Fred Astaire

Easter Parade - I'm Stepping Out With My Baby
Uploaded by diaperbiscuits.

Fuck you, Fred Astaire. Fuck you for completely destroying any chance I have of impressing a woman after she's seen you. Thank God you're dead. That only means that there is still a small chance that she will realize that she will never be yours and reluctantly settle for me. If you were alive, though, all bets would be off. I'm pretty sure no man would ever get laid again.

I have to admit that although I've known who Fred Astaire was for years, it was just today that I became aware that he's indisputably the greatest person ever. If there is a God, it's Fred Astaire.

A while back I'm pretty sure I shared my views on dancing and how dumb it is. Today Fred Astaire took that notion, wiped his ass with it, and smeared it in my face. Seriously, when this guy was alive he must have been rolling in the pussy. How could he not be with such epic moves?

And Christ, man, talk about PIMPING! In "Steppin' Out With My Baby" 2:47 says it all. He tilts the head down and snaps the fingers and all bets are off. Verbally, I think this would equate to "Buckle up, toots, this is my god damned stage and you're playing by my rules now. For I am Fred A-fucking-staire." I think if I saw a dude like this pimpin' down the street I would ask if I could please pay him one hundred dollars just for reeking of class.

And as if all that isn't enough, clearly the man is enchanted. You saw the videos. Without missing a beat he flipped off every scientist ever and said, "Fred Astaire don't follow no laws of physics." and proceeded to defy gravity. And look closely. In "Puttin' on the Ritz" he fucking went Jedi on his cane!

So tonight I give Fred a big "Fuck You" for making the rest of the male population look like worthless pieces of shit.