Bananas

They're fucking gross, okay?

Bananas, as far as I'm concerned, are the worst food ever. They're horrid in every possible way and they should be outlawed. First of all, they taste and smell very homosexual. If "gay" could be encapsulated into a flavour, it would taste like bananas. From that point, they're just squishy and unappealing. And under the peel lies an off-white speckled turd of a "food". Sorry if I'm not enticed by fruit with the same general appearance and consistency as a huge shit.

Bananas are pure evil and as much as they try to warn us, we (and I mean you) keep eating them. They do, they warn us. You want me to explain that, don't you. Ah...well, I can't turn back now.

First, as I've already mentioned, they're very turd-like. It's supposed to be human nature to have no desire to eat feces. Why is that not the case with something that is very close to feces? I don't know, but the banana tried to warn you and you ignored it, you prick.

Second, they're yellow. What's so wrong with yellow? It's a nice sunny, cheerful colour, isn't it? NO! No it absolutely is not! Yellow is the colour of all things bad. Traffic lights have their yellow WARNING light, referees have their yellow CAUTION card, mosquitos carry their yellow fever, the music industry has Coldplay. If you're dumb enough to ignore the banana's blatant WARNING! colour, well, you deserve the consequences that may arise.

And if all of that isn't enough, perhaps numerology shall show us the way once again. Let's rap:

- Banana starts with B, a hidden 13 (put 1 and 3 together, you get B)
- Banana has 3 "a"s, A being the first letter of the alphabet (1), 1+3, another hidden 13
- Banana has 6 letters. The number of "a"s multiplied by the number of "n"s gives us another 6. When I eat bananas I get sicks. Another 6. Three 6s? 666? It's all too clear, isn't it?
- Banana has 6 letters, the same number of points as the Jewish Star of David. It would take a moron not to see the tie-ins with the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and the evil plans for world domination. An absolute moron.
- Banana's only letter that isn't repeated is the letter B, the second letter of the alphabet. 2, connected with the Roman goddess of deception, Aphinia, who often mislead others for her own gain with her split personality.

I mean, I could go on all night here. But I think you get my point. If you want to eat Satan's shit, be my guest, but you can't say I didn't advise against it and with damn good proof, if I do say so myself. If you choose not to heed it, I can only say good luck and be safe.


Oh. And slipping on the peels. That's bad too.

*Special thanks to the Spaceman for a little inspiration in this one.