Lady Gaga, LeBron James, Justin Bieber, the Cast of Jersey Shore, and TV News

Yesterday I made the huge mistake of turning on the TV. I don't watch television very often, the main reason being that I usually find myself dialing the suicide hotline after a minute or two. I honestly can't figure out how the average person watches between 3 and 8 hours of this parade of shit EVERY DAY! As one of my heroes George Carlin once said, "I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!" So let's begin.

Lady Gaga: Please! Please! Stop writing news articles for every fucking little thing this bitch does! I don't care! I don't! She's just another singer with shitty "music". If you're into this whole Gaga thing, I'm truly asking you to tell me what everyone's so hyped about because I truly don't get it. I just want to have some grasp on what everyone likes about this cunt so I can complain appropriately. I just don't get it at all, though.

Do people find her hot? Is it the whole man/woman thing? I'm so utterly out of touch with youth values and interests. Surely it can't be the music. Whatever it is, stop reporting on and talking about her! She's just another mediocre hack.

Justin Bieber: Speaking of hacks. Is this little shit supposed to be the new voice of the youth or something? First of all his haircut looks like a homosexual cat got run over and turned into a wig and I don't know why everyone's so gaga over it (aaaw, sheet!). Second of all, make songs that aren't total balls or go back to Stratford.

LeBron James: Following sports stars is for fat, middle-aged, sales reps who have pissed half their life away working for the same boss who doesn't appreciate them. They own small, affordable sports cars and have wisps of gray in their hair and they need something, anything to distract them from how shitty their own lives are. They're under the impression that televised sports actually matter and dedicate their lives to a team. Soon they become sports experts and annoy the hell out of people like me, who are right about everything.

The Cast of Jersey Shore: Personally, I can't wait until "The Situation" and Snooki are old and fat and look like a couple of leather purses. Or maybe they won't make it to old age. Maybe they'll all die from "drama overdose". Maybe one of them will have a heart attack because somebody told them their tan was uneven. Maybe a couple of them will fall into a well and die of starvation because they can't think straight without their hair product and 300 dollar shirts.

I say we pull funding for their rinky-dink little show and pump it into the education system. What an ironic little twist that would be.

TV News: I actually find it kind of cute that you guys still take yourselves seriously. That's so adorable! I think it's so cutting edge of you to form your business model around the old "if a thousand monkeys" theory. If you keep jabbering on 24 hours of the day, eventually you'll say something intelligent and relevant to something.

And your on-screen graphics? Those scrolling tickers and the everlasting stock market window? Your holograms and your word clouds? Man, you guys just must have so much information you're just bursting at the seams! You just need a way to get it all out there!

I simply love your casual little banter and joking between anchors too! You guys are so down to earth, just like me! I can totally see that you guys aren't the uptight news snobs I thought you were. We're all just having fun, but staying informed at the same time as one big family!

Hahaha, I defs LOVE you guys, but...go fuck yourselves, lol!


My solution? Guillotine all of these people and everyone under the age of 20. The heads can be auctioned off to those "hip grandmother" types who still connect with today's youth and want Lady Gaga's head. We then guillotine those people and use their heads as soccer balls in the next FIFA "spectacle". We then guillotine all the FIFA players and hire the heads as the new anchors for Fox News, where nothing will really change.

Fox News will then recommend we guillotine everyone to prevent terrorism and America will agree because "how many planes have you seen crash into buildings since everyone was guillotined? See? It's working."

Now I don't know what's more stupid: this entry or the very people I'm complaining about.

Movie Musicals

I've got a few problems with movie musicals (obviously, or you wouldn't be reading this right now). Specifically movie musicals. The musicals I've seen performed live on stage have been, for the most part, extremely well-assembled and highly awesome.

Which segue's me nicely to my first beef: they're uncomfortably fake. "Well, no duh, they're fake," I hear you saying, and I get that. But movie musicals are what I'll call "fake squared". That's right, "Fake" with a little number 2 on the upper right.

Let me explain. When you see a musical on stage the plot is fake, but the performances are the real deal. The actors are carrying on with ridiculous shit that would never happen in real life (more on that later), but the beads of sweat trickling down their faces after the big number are real. Stage musicals are basically the equivalent of the High School Musical director showing up on Day 1 of shooting and telling everyone "I'm'a keep this camera rolling for 2 hours and that's all. One take. Whatever you do is going to theatres, so make it good."

Movie musicals, on the other hand, are fake shit upon more fake shit upon even more fake shit. The plot is fake, but that's normal for most movies. The behaviour is fake, by which I mean rival street gangs DO NOT fucking sing to each other and rumble in meticulously choreographed dance moves. And strike three is that the whole thing is filmed in parts and edited together. More fakery. A performer fucks everything up and you can just yell "Cut!" Pshaw to that!!!

And why are people in musicals always so dangerously happy about everything? Everyone's springing out of bed all doe-eyed and Ritalined up, throwing upper story windows wide open, and busting into song about sunshine and confectionary items. Good for you. You've succeeded once again in waking up. Now put on some damn coffee for Christ's sake. Some of us need it.

The worst part of a movie musical is when an actor sings the first line of a song. Because all that means to me is, "We were here just a second ago with conversation between characters that perhaps you were at least minutely interested in. Now please enjoy 3-4 minutes of crap that does absolutely fuck-all to advance the plot!"
When the singing starts, so does the sighing.

Lastly, there are way too many shaggy-haired prettyboys and overly made-up robo-bitches in anything made in the last decade. I'm looking at you, Disney.

Please, there is music and there are movies. Pick one and stick with it. No more of this "you got movie in my music, you got music in my movie" shit.

Hannah Montana

I was doing some research for another topic that quite honestly would have led to a very weak update. I've been fucking busy and flat out brain-drained for the past couple of days and it was getting down to the zero hour for tonight. Thankfully good ol' Hannah Montana swooped in and saved the day with her mediocrity.

See, I was trying to find Nickelback's Rock Star video and saw that Montana also has a song called Rock Star. And when a Disney artist sings about rock stars, red flags go up for me. I listened to it, and as I suspected, both Nickelback and Hannah Montana are in dangerous territory.

Nickelback can be forgiven because their whole song is about wanting to be a rock star. To me it's the first sensible thing they've done in their careers. I have issues with their awful fucking music and forced badboy image, but damn it, I respect them for being totally honest and admitting that they don't deserve to be seated at the "rock stars' table".

Hannah? She's even less of a rock star than the blokes in Nickelback and she's proclaiming that she is indeed, without question, a rock star! No, no, and no! 16-year old Disney-approved artists don't get to be rock stars unfortunately. Check in later when you're a little less clean-cut and have kicked a 7-year heroin habit that nearly killed you on several occasions. Get back to me when you can make me actually believe you're passionate about what you do instead of giving a me a bullshit fake wink and smile as you rattle off shitty lyrics about high school.

This is why I respect the hell out of Amy Winehouse even though everyone else apparently hates her. She's got a great voice and is dangerously close to kicking the bucket because of drugs. Voila. Winehouse, to me, is one of the few artists today keeping the spirit alive (the spirit being Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll). If she died tomorrow I wouldn't be one of those morons saying things like, "Gosh, that's so sad. Why'd a nice girl like that have to lose it all because of drugs?" I'd say, "Damn straight, Winehouse, you worked hard, you played hard, and you stuck it to the Man. I couldn't ask for anything more. Enjoy the flight to hell (because all the best bands are affiliated with Satan, of course)."

Anyway, I'm getting bored with this and I'm not telling you anything that Bill Hicks hasn't already said. Point is, Disney stars do not equal rock stars. Quite the opposite.

Screw it, I'll just post this, which tells it 1000X better than I have and promise you something much better for tomorrow.

Please Donate to the Canadian Hearing Society Today

I'm on to something here. I'm starting to figure it out. It's all becoming clear.

For years I assumed the people blaring shitty music from their vehicles were just assholes. I thought that they were brain dead gangstas who were so insecure about themselves that they chose to play their music loud enough that everyone within a two mile radius would hear it in hopes that one or two people would perk up, march over and ask if they could be peeps 4 lyfe.

My God, I feel simply terrible. How could I have been so insensitive? How, I ask you?! I've recently started putting the pieces of the puzzle together and I've come across a startling discovery.

SHITTY SUBSTANCELESS MUSIC DEVOID OF ANY SOUL CAUSES GRADUAL HEARING LOSS. You heard it hear, folks. Take a moment to gather your thoughts before continuing if you need to. I'll understand. When I came to this realization I sank back in my chair and felt an overwhelming wave of guilt wash over me and it stayed with me for days.

All of these years I've been criticizing these poor souls. The unfortunate truth is that they're oblivious to the fact that this is even happening to them. They aren't assholes, they're victims! The nerve I had...

I encourage everyone, if you're waiting at a red light and one of these lost causes rolls up beside you playing Flo Rida so loud that the bass is making your car fall apart, don't curse him, salute him! Show him your support. He is in the Profound Stage of hearing loss and needs your love. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute and you'll soon realize that this man can barely hear his own music. To you it sounds like an atomic bomb exploding but to him it must sound like the quiet murmur of a clock radio gently lulling someone into a good night's sleep.

Now, don't go kissing my hand and thanking me repeatedly for making this discovery just yet. I'm still studying this phenomenon. Working out the bugs, you know how it is. What I know so far is that it's definitely just shitty substanceless music devoid of any soul. You never see any cars driving through town blaring Lynyrd Skynyrd or Debussy. It's always hip hop and awful techno music. That's because Skynyrd and Debussy wrote with feeling and passion and their music was good. Hip Hop and awful techno music are not. When your music is good, your hearing is good and there's no need for the blare-a-thon, do you follow?

However, I'm still trying to find precisely what it is about awful music that causes hearing loss in the first place. I have a theory, but I'm going to need to work with a crack team of researchers to determine whether or not it has any merit.

It involves the old saying "Music feeds the soul." There may be some truth to it. Now, I'm no expert on souls (again, this is where the crack R&D department comes in), but could it be possible that our soul resides in our ears? It's a bit out there, I know, but bear with me. Okay, supposing our souls reside in our ears, music feeds the soul, and given the fact that hip hop, rap, and shitty techno can barely be classified as music (this is scientifically proven), would this not lead to our souls becoming malnourished? Souls in ears...malnourished...hearing loss? I'm fucking onto something here!

Tomorrow I will visit the Canadian Hearing Society and share this with them. I hope to work closely with their team to get to the bottom of this and stop the insanity. So please, please, please donate what you can. It doesn't have to be this way.

Music blarers: They're not assholes, they're victims. God bless.

Fred Astaire

Easter Parade - I'm Stepping Out With My Baby
Uploaded by diaperbiscuits.

Fuck you, Fred Astaire. Fuck you for completely destroying any chance I have of impressing a woman after she's seen you. Thank God you're dead. That only means that there is still a small chance that she will realize that she will never be yours and reluctantly settle for me. If you were alive, though, all bets would be off. I'm pretty sure no man would ever get laid again.

I have to admit that although I've known who Fred Astaire was for years, it was just today that I became aware that he's indisputably the greatest person ever. If there is a God, it's Fred Astaire.

A while back I'm pretty sure I shared my views on dancing and how dumb it is. Today Fred Astaire took that notion, wiped his ass with it, and smeared it in my face. Seriously, when this guy was alive he must have been rolling in the pussy. How could he not be with such epic moves?

And Christ, man, talk about PIMPING! In "Steppin' Out With My Baby" 2:47 says it all. He tilts the head down and snaps the fingers and all bets are off. Verbally, I think this would equate to "Buckle up, toots, this is my god damned stage and you're playing by my rules now. For I am Fred A-fucking-staire." I think if I saw a dude like this pimpin' down the street I would ask if I could please pay him one hundred dollars just for reeking of class.

And as if all that isn't enough, clearly the man is enchanted. You saw the videos. Without missing a beat he flipped off every scientist ever and said, "Fred Astaire don't follow no laws of physics." and proceeded to defy gravity. And look closely. In "Puttin' on the Ritz" he fucking went Jedi on his cane!

So tonight I give Fred a big "Fuck You" for making the rest of the male population look like worthless pieces of shit.

Neil Peart's Consistently Vacant Expression

If you've ever watched Rush play live you've probably noticed that Neil Peart has one facial expression and only one. It's kind of this constipated grimace. He always seems to look like he's thinking, "God damn it, not another tour. This shit isn't even fun anymore." It's like he's mentally rolling his eyes at the whole situation.

I've decided that Neil Peart either:

a) is a government robot and that's why he's so good (likeliest scenario).
b) had a hardened authoritarian father who locked him in a dim cellar and made him practice the drums at least 9 or 10 hours a day. Neil was fed cabbage, processed meat (which actually contained almost no meat at all), and hose water twice daily and would be given a thorough lashing if he complained about blisters.

It can't be anything else.

Peart actally reminds me of a wise and solemn shaman with his headbands and stiff, wrinkly face. He seems like he's probably seen some shit. Maybe drumming produces some sort of visionary experience for him. Who knows?

I just don't like musicians that seem like they take their work way too seriously. Eric Clapton's been guilty of this as well. I'm not saying I have a problem with their music, in fact a lot of it's good. I just get annoyed with their attitudes. Music's supposed to be fun. Good times. They just need to crack a smile once in a while and not look like their talents are the result of childhood abuse.

Sean Kingston

Jesus Christ, does this guy ever make my blood boil. Every time I hear his shitty re-written versions of good songs I feel the urge to coat the room in vomit. This guy is the epitome of uncreative, over-worshiped, talentless hacks.

Can I start with the fact that he sounds like a friggin' robot in all of his songs? Buddy, lay off the autotune and pick up some autotalent. I'd rather have that dickhead Tim Geithner come to my house every night for a month and read me economics textbooks before bed than listen to 4 minutes of this garbled, computerized horseshit.

You know what would make Sean Kingston's music more enjoyable? If Sean Kingston was not involved. That wouldn't make it enjoyable though, just more enjoyable. The only way I'd find his music completely enjoyable is if I were in a coma.

I really hate the fact that this guy probably pulls into the McDonalds drive-thru every single day of the week and every day in a different Porsche and he can do that just by taking a giant shit on the music industry. I can't understand why people like this guy. His music is completely devoid of any real substance or soul. I imagine his typical recording session as him stepping out of a limo filled with women, being handed a lyric sheet, singing one take, and then arguing with the producer about cutting into his autograph signing time. The session lasts less than 10 minutes and a few months down the road Kingston hears his song on the radio, turns to a friend, and asks who it is, "it's pretty catchy."

I really want Ben E. King to march up to Sean Kingston in silence, look him up and down, take a big drag from a cigarette, blow it in Kingston's face, and then say, "You ruined my fucking song. Of all the versions of Stand By Me, yours is the one the finally broke my soul and made me weep. Music is dead. Get the fuck out of my way."

All I ask right now is that Sean Kingston issue a public apology for being a talentless asshole who releases shitty music.

People Who Dont Get Steven Tyler and Aerosmith

May I deliver a message the 15-year old girl "Aerosmith fans" out there? Yes?

Fuck you.

Perhaps there were a few in that bunch that didn't deserve it. I'd like to say that I'm an Aerosmith fan. But I'm not one of the bullshit fans I'm posting about tonight.

Aerosmith is not about being a fucking sex symbol. As far as I can tell, no one in Aerosmith is "sexy". Aerosmith is about being at death's door and then coming back and still making good music.

Old school Aerosmith fans get it. Teenage girls don't. Steven Tyler is not sexy. He looks like a meth addict. And that's the point. Aerosmith IS...WAS... drugs. They've been there. They are not there to make 14 year old girls wet. They are not the Backstreet Boys. Aerosmith is about sex, drugs, and rock and roll, not exclusively "he's so hot!"

Back in the day Steven Tyler was looking for coke and a cigarette, not 14 year olds telling him that "Dream On was awesome!" You didn't scream to Joe Perry that he was sexy. You put a good cigar in his mouth, lit it, and hoped that he would look at you in gratitude.

Aerosmith is not for teenage wimps. They are for people who have been doing cocaine for 14 hours straight and are now at least 10 beers deep.

Aerosmith shouldn't be applauded for their sexiness, they should be applauded for their ability to persevere through incredible drug abuse. Aerosmith is badass, not sexy. That is all.

Classical Crossover

I know my classical music. Not only was I a classical aficionado for several years, the nature of my job exposes me to classical music 5 days a week. So I know what I'm talking about here. Now...

To any budding classical music fans, I have one very important thing to tell you and here it is: no matter how badly you want them to be, Josh Groban, Sarah Brightman, Andrea Bocelli, Paul Potts, and film scores are not classical music. Especially Josh Groban. In fact, Josh Groban may someday receive his own entry just because he irritates me so much. Anyway, this music (with the exception of film scores) is what is called classical crossover. It's like classical meets pop. And it's shit.

Now that I've said that, I'd like to address that these people do perform operatic repertoire and that's the one thing that keeps me from completely disrespecting everything they do. But why does everyone melt over their bullshit songs like Time to Say Goodbye (the video above)? Con te partiro is the fucking worst. I've heard it way too many times, morons love it, and it's not even a great song to begin with.

People apparently listen to this and think it's opera. There is nothing I'd love more than to see Puccini, Rossini, Verdi, and Wagner crawl out of their graves and kick these peoples' asses.

I think my main problem with classical crossover is that I think of it as being sort of the Miley Cyrus of the classical music world. Today's mainstream music is all dumbed down and classical music is no exception. I hear so much great music today that never gets radio airplay or publicity because some jackass decided that it wouldn't make any money so it's no good. Instead they'll give people Miley Cyrus because she's good looking. But the music is FUCKING BULLSHIT. And that's the problem with the music industry. It's the "hotness industry" not the music industry. People apparently don't mind mediocre music if the singer is hot.

Classical crossover is the same. Everyone likes it because it's melodramatic and catchy and sounds more refined than Fergie because there are classical instruments involved and it's sung in an operatic way. And hey, most of the time the singers are hot. But it's garbage! Verdi never would have written crap like Besame Mucho. Well...he might have. He would have written it with his ass cheeks in less than 5 minutes and then wiped his ass with the manuscript after realizing he could do so much better.

And I'm sick of English rock songs being passed off as something more sophisticated just by transcribing it to classical instrumentation and changing the lyrics to Italian. Doesn't work that way. Paul Potts sings "Ognuno Soffre" (or R.E.M.'s Everybody Hurts to normal people). My theory is that they change the lyrics to Italian because if singers sang the words in English against a classical backing, they'd be ridiculed for doing a cheesy version of a song. But people are so dumb that if you just change the lyrics to another language, the song now becomes "refined" and "passionate" and "breathtaking".

Finally, film scores. I don't mind them nearly as much because they're a lot closer to classical music than Josh Groban. But again, the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack isn't classical music. It's instrumental music. This is a young person thing. Everyone loves the Pirates soundtrack. Well of course you do. It's not like that boring old Haydn. This has cymbal crashes and shit. It's exciting and brief enough to keep your dull little mind stimulated.

Anyway, I'm getting sick of writing this. There are some notes from a music snob.

3 Songs That Are Completely Worn Out

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate Rush or AC/DC. There are things about both bands that I'm not such a big fan of, but overall they are both listenable bands. Granted, I usually go look for something else on the radio if they come on. If there's nothing good on though I'll come back to them.

EXCEPT with the following three songs. When I hear the opening notes to these songs I'm all over the next presets like lightning. Which kind of disappoints me because I used to really like all of these songs. I've just heard them so many god damn times that they truly get on my nerves.

Thunderstruck and Back in Black

Two of the most fucking overplayed songs ever. These are actually songs that are not necessarily overplayed now, but they were several years ago and I still have the aftertaste in my mouth to this day. Thunderstruck and Back in Black started getting old right around the SARS concert of '03 in Toronto. Apparently I'm the only person in Toronto who didn't go to this thing, but in the months following it literally everyone I knew had become an AC/DC fan.

Even people who I knew didn't listen to rock were suddenly AC/DC-crazy. Every crappy guitarist I knew had to try to play the Thunderstruck riff to try to impress their scrawny, beanie-wearing, skateboarding friends. Because they too were fans. Everyone had and AC/DC CD with them and everyone could name their favourite song. It was never For Those About to Rock or Big Balls, just for the record

And so nobody could shut the fuck up about AC/DC and the radio stations wouldn't stop playing every version of Thunderstruck and Back in Black they could find. And soon enough, these two songs I used to love became really, really annoying really really fast.

Now I hear them and bad memories come rushing back. I hear them and think to myself "Ugh! Wasn't anyone around in '03-'04? How can there still be people who don't think this song has completely exhausted itself?"

Thunderstruck is for drunks. These kind of "Fackin' roit!" people that like to chant in a big crowd like they're at some sort of ritual sacrifice. Clearly they're reincarnates of Roman Colosseum spectators. Bunch of savages in this town.

YYZ

I'm so god damn sick of this song. For two reasons. First, my brother plays drums and is a big Rush fan. I've heard "ding d-ding ding, ding d-ding ding ding ding, d-d-" so many times the simple melody haunts my dreams nightly. Second, Q107 has recently taken quite a liking to this song. I don't know why exactly. I seem to hear either the original or some live version at least once a day. On the radio. And then I get home and my brother plays it another god damn fifty times.

I feel kind of bad because YYZ is a really creative song, not like the 3 songs AC/DC seems to rewrite every few years (yeah, I told you there were things about them I don't like). Creative songs should be praised, but I'm always so busy changing the station that praising it seems to slip my mind. I've just heard it way too much

Although, I guess it could be worse. The world could suddenly become completely obsessed with Barbra Streisand tomorrow. Christ, if that happened you would find me dead at the bottom of a tall bridge before day's end.

Paul McCartney's "Let 'Em In"

Great balls of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what a horrid fucking song. Anyone who knows me is privy to the fact that I'm a huge, huge Beatles fan. And Paul McCartney had some good songs after they broke up. This, my friends, is NOT one of them.

How can I explain this the clearest? This song makes me want to commit suicide. If this song were something I could hold onto I would throw it into a barn fire. This song is like Satan got drunk and ate a shit ton of Taco Bell at 2 in the morning, woke up at 4:30, shit continuously for 45 minutes, flushed it down the toilet where it was carried down Hell's sewers and into a sewage-choked pond somewhere around the dead-heroin-using-punk-rocker section where it was picked up by some dead asshole A&R guy who put it into a record sleeve. Yes. This song is a massive satanic Taco Bell dump.

Jesus. The utter balls McCartney has to pull this crap on us. For a while I thought David Bowie's "China Girl" was possibly the most painfully boring song on Earth but, ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.

How do people like this shit? "Let 'Em In" reminds me of being stuck behind some ancient fuck going 20km below the speed limit on a narrow two-lane road at noon on a hot, sticky, summer's day. You've been stuck behind him for 10 minutes and finally you get an opportunity to pass. So you shoot ahead and look over to get a glimpse of this moron and he's driving with two hands on the wheel and a big smile on his face and he's wearing a beige fedora with a small galloping horse logo stitched into the side. AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHH!

I used to hear this song on a regular basis when I worked at a grocery store several years ago. The music there was always crap. It was always this lame soft-rock that was certain not to offend anyone, even the most Christian grandmothers. I had to put up with Hall and Oates, Celine Dion, and Five for Fighting. It was excruciating. The fact that this song was even on our dreadful playlist is proof already that zombies listen to it. And I don't want to have anything to do with zombies. They frighten me.

Mr. McCartney.....sir? You know I have the utmost respect for you.....but I'm a little bit concerned. Paul....? Are you high on drugs? You know I love you, I just don't want you to hurt yourself. I want to talk to you and help you help yourself.

With all due respect, the world is not ready for Luciferian diarrhea.

People Who Send Weird Al Song Ideas

I've never met someone who has sent Weird Al a song idea. I have never met anyone who has considered sending Weird Al a song idea. I know there are people out there who do and have though because Weird Al's website states more than once "Do not send Weird Al song parodies!"

I don't understand this. For two reasons.

1) Creative artists are not Wikipedia. They are not to be used as a means to channel the collected ideas of thousands of people into one product. Weird Al has been a respected parody for decades because he used his own brain to come up with his own ideas using his own humour. Not because he took your advice and did a Girlicious parody for you.

I'm somewhat of a creative artist. Meaning I started a blog, tried to be funny, and assumed I deserved a more important title than "random blogger". Whatever. The point is, I come up with my own ideas using my own brain and my own humour so I know Weird Al's situation. At least I would if people were sending hordes of entry ideas to my inbox. You appreciate that people enjoy your work but you're not interested in writing about something just because someone brought it up.

There's a reason that programs run for an extended period of time on television. They have writers. Writers work for the show and it's their job to make the show flow, keep it entertaining, and keep it consistent. Friends wouldn't have been Friends if they kept taking audience suggestions every week.
"Me and my boys really like Escalades. Can Rachel drive an Escalade for me?"
And then next week. "Me and my girlfriends really like Porsches. Can Rachel drive an Porsche for me?"

The show would end up being "6 People in a Completely Unrelated Situation From Last Week". You can't just take a bunch of crap suggestions and churn them out at random. It doesn't work. Well, I shouldn't say never. Family Guy's doing OK.

Weird Al has lasted for so long because people appreciate his wit, not other peoples'.

2) Hey, genius, here's an idea. If your song idea is so good, why not record it yourself? Why would you write an awesome song and then send it to someone who already has a ton of awesome songs released, denying yourself of almost all credit. If Weird Al took your song idea and recorded it, what would you get? For an idea, probably nothing. If Weird Al used lyrics that you wrote, you'd get a credit in the liner notes....which nobody will see because most people under the age of 70 download all their music and therefore would not get liner notes to begin with.

And even if someone bought the CD, what are the chances they are going to read all the liner notes? And of those chances, what are the chances they'll see your writing credit and remember it? And of those chances, what are the chances they'll give a flying fuck about who you are?

Why not record your awesome song on your own and if it's so great (because apparently it's good enough for Weird Al), people will love you and you'll become the next big parody and you'll have tons more than a crappy little writing credit in Weird Al's liner notes.

But maybe I'm just greedy.

Shitty Post-Grunge Vocals

Why is it that every time I switch to a radio station playing "today's best rock", I hear this voice? This forced, gravelly, piece of shit voice. There are entirely too many bands around with lead singers that sound like this and it needs to end as soon as possible. Today's best rock. Shit, man, I think we're in a rut.

The bands, as lined up in my little sound montage I spent way too much time on, are Nickelback, Theory of a Deadman, Seether, and Creed. I realize now that I wanted to put Hinder in as well but forgot. I think you get the idea though. They all sound the same. Creed's a little more distinct, but it's still the same basic voice.

When I was in college it was a known fact that nobody in my class liked Nickelback. Most people couldn't even name someone who actually did. It's a small sample, I know, but based on these results...nobody likes Nickelback + several bands that sound exactly the same dominating the airwaves = WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!

It's just shitty testosterone-rock, is all. It's the musical equivalent of a high school jock. This macho, balls-out, edgy bullshit with no real substance. The jock is not there to offer you any insight or enlightenment, he's there to look intimidating and get the job done (tackling scrawny kids). This mainstream post-grunge crap is there to sound manly and get the job done (sell records to complete fucking morons, wherever they are).

And the problem is that up and coming bands are recognizing that these bands are big and are imitating them in hopes of making it just as big. Theory of a Deadman made it big because their pseudo-Kroeger lead singer gave Chad Kroeger himself a demo tape and he subsequently signed them to his label. That must have been a hard sell. Chad would have looked quite the fool had he put down his headphones and said, "Well now, I don't know. You fellas have the exact same sound as us and your singer sounds exactly like me. However, I'm just not feeling it. Good luck in the future, guys."

How can someone who is garbage to begin with make decisions regarding other peoples' talent? In the end all it means is that there is more diarrhea on the radio. Enough Nickelback clones already and gimme someone that doesn't sound balls awful.