Magic Mushrooms

Shrooms are bad. Very bad. You should not eat them. Please. Do not eat them.

Why?

Because magic mushrooms are drugs. And drugs are bad. They have no positive qualities. The government has done extensive testing on this. They, as a collective few people, have actually determined what is good for every single person in this country and what isn't. I'm still getting over the shock myself. I find it truly stunning that my country's government knows more about how I will react to a substance I haven't even ingested than I do.

Jeez, these guys seem really smart. I should listen to them. After all, they are my elected officials. They know more than me and they know what's good for me. I don't know how, but they do. Don't question it, just accept. Doing otherwise makes you a terrorist. You don't want to be a terrorist, do you?

People who do shrooms are bad. Scum. They are equivalent to homeless crack addicts. If they happen to share their so called "revelations" with you, pay no attention. It's because they're on drugs. If they refute, don't worry. They're on drugs. Anything they tell you about is their delusional recollection of things that they imagined which do not exist.

We are not one. We have enemies. Iraqis! Apparently they're the "bad" trend for this season. They are not like us. We must destroy them. They do not have families or fascist governments or thought processes like us. They are evil. Higher people have told me so.

Enough about the government. Shrooms. Damn you, shrooms. Damn you for growing naturally on this planet, first of all. You're a fucking huge inconveniece to law makers who somehow have the authority to make certain things that aren't even man-made illegal. How dare you?

Damn you for instilling an overwhelming feeling of love into countless people. Love. I repeat, LOVE. Undoubtedly the most dangerous emotion of all. Didn't Hitler invent love? Positive emotions certainly aren't tolerated by our leaders (who know everything, once again) and must be stopped.

Damn you for showing people there is more to the world than American Idol, jobs, money, taxes, laws, and miracle diets. The absolute nerve you have, shrooms, of letting us know that our physical bodies are here for 75, 80 years, but consciousness is for eternity. The fucking audacity you have to show us that the petty bullshit we deal with day in and day out DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER.

Hold on, hold on. My prime minister, my leader, his minions? They don't matter in the long run? The things they tell me to do and what not to do...they're completely irrelevant? Their power is all a huge fucking illusion? We are all the same consciousness experiencing itself as billions of separate entities as we speak and there is no need for greed, corruption, slander, racism, violence, and warfare?

Shrooms? You're making people severely second guess the integrity of power-hungry assholes the people who know best for the country?

Well, I'm certainly glad you're illegal. You have no business in this society. You unquestionably destroy every life you enter and....I don't know....you're incredibly addictive and you make people want to rape their fathers. That work for you? Father rapers!




...And you taste bad. If you're going to open and expand minds, isn't a watermelon aftertaste the least you can do? Seriously.

Anti-Smoking

That's my smokers' rights prediction for 10 years from now. Am I the only one who finds it absolutely absurd what they're doing to smokers? We've become such a pussy society. We've gone from advertising cigarettes on the Flintstones, of all places, and promoting the sale of candy cigarettes for kids to sticking people into a small box marked off on the pavement and people bitching incessantly when the tiniest wisp of smoke crosses in front of them.

Now you can't smoke in the car with kids, anywhere near a building exit, in parks, on beaches, in bars, on patios, in your own apartment (in some places), and now they're trying to ban American troops from smoking. I mean, isn't my prediction pretty realistic when you think about it. If these "smoke free" people get their way, you won't even be able to drive that 6 hours into the desert for a smoke because some sand beetle might get a whiff of second-hand smoke.

Anyway, this post was mainly supposed to be about this plan to get the troops smoke-free. Here is what I think: get bent. The audacity of these Pentagon pricks. Are they completely insane?

"I've got an idea. Let's manufacture a war and then send a whole shitload of troops over to die in it for no good reason. Let's give these faceless peons guns and shove them into a scenario that comes with a whole array of physical and psychological traumas. Let's really push them to the edge and test their stamina. And then just to fuck with them, let's take away the one thing that keeps them sane at the end of the day. Bloody brilliant! And to think, this probably wouldn't even have occurred to us if we weren't so insecure about our incredibly tiny penises!"

Fucking let the troops smoke, man! It makes no sense! What are you worried about here? The health of soldiers? Moron, their in a fucking war. With bullets and bombs and shit. A few cigarettes ain't going to do much harm in comparison. The cost to the country? Sit down, I've got a stunning idea for you to consider. Lend an ear and listen closely: if you're concerned about war costs.....END THE DAMN WAR! Kind of becomes a non-issue, doesn't it? The war is pointless, just end it. I've had enough of the lies.

Bottom line, though, man up. Quit making smokers feel like bad people because you think a breath of second-hand will kill you instantly. The rules are too strict as they are. They don't need to be any worse. So either man up or stop wearing that disgusting cologne shit around the office every day.

Eco-Crime and the Environmental Police

Are you fucking serious?! I saw this clip and had to double check to make sure I wasn't watching another video from the Onion. Eco-crime? Environmental police? Get the fuck out of here. What a joke.

This shit hasn't hit Canada yet...at least as far as I know, but just wait. I remember confiding in a friend in the months following Inconvenient Truth's release and nobody could shut the hell up about going green. I said to him, "I don't know why and I have nothing that suggests it will, but I get the feeling that this "green movement" will be used to fuck people over." And wouldn't you know it, here we are.

It seems like god damn everything is somehow used as an excuse to fuck everyone over. Now I'm not going to speculate on whether or not 9/11 was an inside job. That's not what I'm here to do tonight. But no matter what you believe about the 9/11 attacks, you simply can't deny that they have been used to fuck over hard-working Americans. Rights are being yanked away and it's all in the name of counter-terrorism. Yeah. OK.

Anyway, back to the environment. Why do we need police so heavily involved in our lives? And why are these morons carrying guns and handcuffs? In case someone has the balls to tell them to fuck off and rip up their silly little eco-ticket? It wasn't enough to get everyone to watch some asshole's global warming video and leave it to them to make "the right choice"? Now they're basically demanding that we save the planet at gunpoint?

I read someone's comment on this clip and it was bloody brilliant. They suggested that Obama should have to pay a "Bullshit Tax" to American citizens every time he says or does something that's complete bullshit. They'd all be millionaires by year's end. Get the government and police out of everyone's lives and stop fucking us over with senseless cash-grabs like this.

To hell with this 5 cents for a plastic bag shit too. I don't need anyone gradually forcing me to save the planet. I'll do it when I'm good and god damned ready.