Steven Tyler

Jesus fucking tap-dancing Christ. A while back I wrote a bit about Steven Tyler and Aerosmith which I'm not even going to link to because I just re-read it and it's fucking awful. Basically I stood up for him the band, but now...I just don't understand why,

Steven Tyler has joined American fucking Idol. Somebody shoot me now.

I know Tyler's been clean (well, for the most part) since the mid-eighties but I still kind of think (or thought?) of him as a take-it-to-the-limit rock star who's been through the shit. But every time he's big in the news these days I find that image of him fading bit by bit.

American Idol?! Are you fucking kidding me?! What happened?! This guy went from being quite literally carried onto the stage due to being so completely loaded/tweaked (true rock star) to critiquing 16 year old girls' voices on a bullshit television show (true pussy).

Why are our rock stars getting so fucking soft?! Bret Michaels, Ozzy Osbourne, Alice Cooper, Ronnie Wood, Gene Simmons...they've all got their own fucking little TV or radio shows now and it's all a bunch of crap! These people used to be about putting on a fucking show and being total badasses. They've traded whiskey and cocaine and "I don't give a fuck what the establishment thinks" for ratings and stylists and "What do I have to do to make people still like me?"

And I know Tyler's going to sit there on the Idol judge's panel every week with a stupid hat on his head and a bunch of rings on his hands that some image consultant picked out for him and the rest of them will banter and joke about his Aerosmith career. All in good taste, as per the producers' wishes.

When did rock and roll slip from the hands of the musicians and into the hands of PC marketing assholes?

The age old question: why is Steven Tyler's mouth so big? He knew that one day he'd have to fit six or seven Fox executive cocks in there all at once.

Stupid joke. Stupid show. Stupid everything. Fuck this noise.

Haiku

I'm going to dive right into the meat of things:

Fuck you, Haiku! You're not real poetry!

I had to learn this Haiku crap in school and I could never understand it. I mean, I understood how to do it, but I could never understand why this was considered poetry.

It's like reading something from a fortune cookie, but instead of telling you "Good things will come your way" the writer just wanted to be cryptic and confuse the hell out of you.

A poem is supposed to be descriptive and flowing. Haikus are just a few random words that happen to fit the mathematical syllabic scheme. I've got a good poem:

Please blow me, Haiku
Five, seven, five is stupid
Rot in hell, jerkoff.

Limericks are way better anyway.

I once fucked a chick named Gertie
Her age was a hundred and thirty
I wrote a Haiku
She told me it blew
Lim'ricks are fun 'cause they're dirty

You know what? Fuck poetry altogether.

With a few exceptions, poetry is just some guy or girl stringing together a bunch of big, descriptive words so that they sound intellectual. Fuck these people who think they're poets just because they have a vocabulary. Their poems are total nonsense and if you call them on it, they just say you're interpreting it wrong or you don't get it.

Anyway, back to Haiku. The Japanese are probably laughing at us North Americans. They probably know that Haiku is a bunch of bull and they're just pretending to take it seriously as a goof because they know that idiots on this side of the world will think that because it's foreign it's worldly and exotic and cultural and sophisticated. And god knows we've got enough people over here who wear kimonos on a regular basis thinking they're the bee's knees because they're "worldly and exotic." Even though they've never left the country.

So fuck you, Haiku! Come back when your so called "poem" can incorporate more than just a handful of words!

Yahoo! and Their Increasingly Stupid Featured Stories

We are so fucked.

I don't know how many of you visit Yahoo!'s homepage on a regular basis, but at this point I'm ready to recommend that everyone avoid it in the name of sparing yourself a few IQ points.

For those who haven't yet fallen victim to Yahoo!'s idiocy, the basic idea behind Yahoo! Featured Stories is that every day they display a handful of stories on their homepage that are supposed to interest visitors.

The first bout of elevated blood pressure came a long while back when I was under the impression that the Featured Stories were supposed to reflect important things that were happening in the news headlines. For a while I got upset that they were constantly linking to stupid shit like weight loss tips and celebrity gossip. But as time passed I came to realize that "Featured Stories" did not necessarily mean "News Stories". The Features were just meant to appeal to what (moron) readers might be interested in.

So I let it go. Although I still stood in awe of the types of articles Yahoo! assumed it's readers would be interested in. And it scared me a little because Yahoo! wouldn't put them up if there weren't some basis in fact (Yahoo!'s readers must be dim-witted trailer trash).

However, tonight takes the cake. Even with my knowledge that the Featured Stories aren't supposed to reflect the world's most pressing affairs, I'm having a hard time letting this one slide:

http://ca.sports.yahoo.com/mlb/blog/big_league_stew/post/Worst-date-ever-Boyfriend-bails-as-foul-ball-hi?urn=mlb-261442

I don't know exactly how long that link will work for, so if you happen to be reading this and it's no longer working, the basic premise is that a guy took his girlfriend to a baseball game, someone hit a foul ball into the stands, he ducked out of the way and she got hit with the ball. And they actually wrote up a whole fucking article going on about "chivalry is dead" as well as...well, basically a whole fuckload of NOTHING!

This is the kind of crap I'd expect to see written by a 7 year old in a family newsletter. "Extra! Extra! My sister got hit with a baseball at the family reunion!"
And the parents would be so proud that their daughter is becoming quite the little journalist.

But not a "reputable" (chortle!) source like Yahoo!.

I guess the main question I'm asking myself is...hmmm...let me think....oh yeah! "WHO GIVES A FUCK?!" Some meaningless everyday event is now front page because some guy didn't act the way society expects him to act. He didn't save the princess. Holy jumping fucking shitballs, let's get The View on the phone. This is a 5-part episode for them! This is a goldmine! Now a bunch of brain-dead white trash gossips can spend a whole week shrieking about this new addition on their ever-expanding list of "Bullshit That Doesn't Matter Yet Somehow Draws Ratings"

Why is this a fucking story?! Wait...hold on a second....I think...yeah...yeah, I've got it!

This is NOT a story and those slimy fucks at Yahoo! know it! This is a tactic, my dear Watson! This is a clever marketing trick (God, please let it be). Yahoo! knows this story is a big pile of horseshit and they're counting on visitors to think the same thing. They're counting on people like me to drop by, read the headline, and say, "No fucking way is this a story" and then click the link to read "the dumb shit other people are obsessed with" out of sheer curiousity.

That's what this is! A story so dumb it lures in and traps the smart people. The old switcheroo! The hidden ball trick! The electric hand buzzer (I don't know, help me out here)!

Please let it be. Marketing and advertising people are the most useless fuckers on Earth as far as I'm concerned but I'd much rather be tricked by them this one time than to know this story is for real and the human race has officially begun de-evolution.


Oh, by the way, fuck both the guy and his girlfriend for going to a boring baseball game in the first place.

GTFOMO Shitstorm: These Fucking Pussies!

Well, it's been a little while since I've rolled through these parts so I'm going on a tirade tonight. And the subject? Basically anything and everything to do with these soft, whining, bubble-world, wimps who are multipying daily, pissing and moaning about stupid shit*, and more or less sucking the remaining joy out of the lives of people like me who like to have a little fun.

So let's begin.

MADD

And FADD, which I haven't actually looked up, but I can only assume stands for Fascists Against Drunk Driving, based on the behaviour of the other group.

Will you people give it a fucking rest already? Aren't you tea-total-tuckered out yet?

How many more lives do you have to ruin with your Draconian laws and ridiculous alcohol limits? I bit my tongue and didn't say anything when Ontario lowered the "busted" limit from .08 to .05. It was hard, but I did it. Mainly because I've been .08 and .08 is not anywhere near drunk, folks. The fact that they wanted to lower it more and then did is just dumb.

And people won't stand up and argue with this because they're afraid to be labelled as some heartless asshole who's in favour of drunk driving. You might be reading this thinking that's what I am. I'm not. I think drunk driving is risky behaviour, selfish, and I don't encourage or do it at all.

But you have to be real. There's a difference between driving completely shithoused and driving a little loose. A few beers over the course of an evening is not going to make you some terror on the highway. But right now some poor, nearly-sober guy's life is being ruined so some fat bitch can sit in an office and gab about how she's making the streets safer and the world better.

And don't give me that crap about "with every sip your reaction time is slower." Who cares? 99% of the time you spend on the road you're not engaging in split-second reactionary moves anyway. And if you are and you've had a couple...hey, there's still a chance you'll be quick enough. But if not, facts are facts, accidents happen, and you should have learned by this stage that life is full of them. Don't go punishing everyone because of one unfortunate moron.

So get off your tea-totalling high horse and shut the fuck up already.

Miss Perfect Lungs

While we're on vices, I was going to rip on these "designated-smoking-area-certain-distance-from-building-entrances" crybabies who are worried about getting a little breath of secondary smoke here and there, yet are living in a smoggy metropolis shithole...but that's old news here.

Grow a pair.

Purell, Lysol Wipes, and Other Secret Weapons of the Germophobe

I am sick and tired of these Fucking. Purell. People. I've held my tongue for long enough on this one too, but my office has gone off the tracks again. Ever since swine flu came tearing through, we've had a number of permanent Purell dispensers installed all over the building. I was able to calmly ignore them until recently when somebody here crossed the line and decided it would be a brilliant idea to put a second dispenser in a bathroom that's slightly bigger than a closet.

We now have one Purell dispenser right next to the sink and a new one right next to the toilet. Words escape me. And the people who are constantly rubbing this stuff all over their hands are the one's telling me I'm paranoid because I question my government.

And why is everyone always wiping everything down with these disinfectant cloths? These cloths claim to kill 99% of germs yet they never seem to wipe out the most dangerous germ of all: the one holding the damn cloth.

Why are co-workers telling me "I've got a bit of a cold. You might want to wipe the area off" and then handing me a cannister of wipes? Fuck that. Give me your cold germs. I won't die. And my immune system will be stonger as a result. These people think they're staying healthy by wiping everything off and rubbing alcohol all over themselves. We'll see who's healthy when some wimpy little virus fucking destroys you because your immune system's retired and gone to Florida on account of the "lack of work to be done around the office".

Me, on the other hand, I'll be the one who gets cancer 27 times and doesn't miss a day of work because I've spent my life NOT being a pussy who lives in a completely sterile environment, gulping down medication cocktails every time I get the sniffles.

I'll have built up an immune system so strong it would give Superman a hard-on and have the CIA visiting me, hoping to exploit it for international warfare purposes. I'll be going places. Meanwhile, half my office is walking around with 10-gallon jugs of pink disinfectant belted on to their sides, picking up file folders with barbecue tongs.

Parents Who Won't Discipline Their Little Hell-Raisers

I was either brought up during the last glimmer of sensible parenting in this country or my parents were old fashioned. And I'm pretty sure they were just old fashioned. My dad especially.

I was spanked as a kid. And yeah, it fucking hurt. Now, as a man in his mid-twenties, I'm damn glad my parents did it. I learned right from wrong pretty damn quick when my dad grabbed my arm and raised his hand, aiming for a good, solid strike. It was good for me. Kept me in line. Hell, my old man went easy on me. He used his hand. He could have been REALLY old fashioned and given me the old leather belt. Either way, a spanking meant I did something pretty bad and a red ass taught me never to do it again.

Fast forward to today when you can't even wag a finger at your kid without some dipshit calling Child Protection Services. Everyone's bought into this soft "discipline" like time out. Or sitting down and writing your problems on a paper to relieve the stress. Bullshit!

Fuck these "experts" who have turned each child into a special, fragile, little gem. Because of these idiot talking heads on garbage shows like Dr. Phil and The View and Oprah, and all these other daytime shows for brain-dead white trash we now have a population of parents walking around with this mindset:

(from Yahoo! Answers, the hopeless toilet bowl of the internet)
Question: Do you spank your kids in public or have you been spanked in public?

Voted best answer: When I was a child I remember my Mom spanking us in public, yelling at us in public, or griping at us for doing something wrong in front of other people, but not so much our Dad. He would usually not have to do much but raise his voice a little to scare the living daylights out of us, and I only remember him starting to spank me 1 time, in all my life, when I was about 6 years old, maybe! I ran outside yelling that my tummy was "killing me" and he said, "well, you better be good then, so I won't have to spank you, and that was the end of it"!!

But I never spanked or disicplined my own child in public places-- I remembered how humiliated I always felt with everyone looking at me when my Mom was yelling at me--I never wanted my son to go through that-- I always waited until we were alone to talk to him, or if necessary, I would remove him from an activity and take him aside to talk to him and leave with him to discipline him if needed, then allow him time to calm down before bringing him back!!

I feel it damages a young childs self-esteem to disicpline them in public and/or in front of their peers!!

This, folks, is a prime example of someone who just doesn't get it. You never wanted to put your son through that?! Putting your son through that would teach him pretty quickly that acting like a little shit in public = massive humiliation. Therefore, don't act like a little shit in public. Or in private for that matter.

You feel it damages a child's self-esteem, yada, yada, yada?! Good. Let's have your punk kid become one of those 12-year-old little bastards that think so highly of themselves and goes around telling every adult stranger they meet to go fuck themselves. That's exactly what the world needs more of. More pre-teen gangstas and hos who think they're entitled to the world.

Any discipline that's not actual discipline automatically traumatizes a child and damages them for life in the minds of these "parents". Well, hey, the way I see it, you could give your kid a couple of good smacks to straighten them out quickly or you could resort to "time out" and have your kid grow up to be a self-centred asshole who doesn't understand the word "No", treat people like shit, think they deserve everything, and, well, become like every rich, white politician this country has to offer.

And I'm not even necessarily saying "hit your kids", but when your little terror is running around the grocery store punching everyone in the balls, fucking do something!

Fuck these brats and their dipshit parents.

"The Customer is Always Right" and Other Business Strategies That Turn Customers Into Pricks

Sigh. Let's hear it for the almighty dollar once again.

Here's the basic premise: Some idiot business owner values profit more than his dignity so he stops at nothing to pamper a bunch of demanding asses to no end in order to please them and drive up business.

Now, I don't have a problem with helping people out. Quite the opposite. Despite my tone and style on here, I'm actually a very pleasant and helpful guy. But, as always, some people just take it too fucking far.

This customer service mindset of all these business owners has created a society of people who think they're kings and queens every time they shop for something. The box has a dent in it so they demand a discount. Or coupons. Or a freebie. The meal didn't satisfy them so they they want it on the house. GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

These businesses comply because they're worried about damaging their reputation and losing sales so they basically suck every irate customer's cock. What ever happened to guys like the Soup Nazi? Don't like it? Get the fuck out! Guys with dignity and pride in their business who wouldn't let people walk all over them. Everyone these days is running around in a Best Buy uniform apologizing to everyone else.

When the video store is out of the movie I'm looking for, I don't demand discounts, free rentals, coupons, or declare that I'm never coming back. The movies are gone, tough beans, better luck next time. What is so hard to grasp about that? Life isn't always fair. Suck it up and stop being such an arrogant, demanding shit.



*I can see the irony of using this phrase, but when I do it, it matters and I'm always right. So blow me.

Black Licorice

My parents were good parents, but clearly they fucked up when it came to teaching me about the delicate subject of licorice. I'm in my mid 20s now and I still desperately want to believe that licorice is supposed to be red, not black, even though I know I'm wrong. My mom probably fed me a little piece of red licorice when I was three years old and ever since that day my head ain't been quite right.

Let's cut to the chase. Black licorice is shit. All black candies are. Licorice, jelly beans, ju-jubes, gum drops, Colgate Total, you all suck. Black is the colour of death and that's precisely what you taste like. Among other things such as ass, taint, nutsack, and anything else in or around the nether-regions.

Plus, have you ever seen someone after they've eaten a black candy? They look like a ghoul! They've got blue-ish black stains on their teeth and little drops of black juice in the corners of their mouth. It's fucking frightening. They always look like they're about to eat my skin with their black-candy-loving Vampiro fangs.

And are you one of those poor black-candy-loathing pricks like I am who has been in the unfortunate situation where you don't know if the candy you're about to eat is dark purple or black? So you man up and eat it? And it turns out to be black? That fucking sucks! And you almost swear off feeding the gumball machine quarters every time you go shopping.

Also, shame on anyone who actually likes those disgusting assorted licorice candies. Or those Hershey "Goodies".

I will see you and your damn black candies in hell.

Lady Gaga, LeBron James, Justin Bieber, the Cast of Jersey Shore, and TV News

Yesterday I made the huge mistake of turning on the TV. I don't watch television very often, the main reason being that I usually find myself dialing the suicide hotline after a minute or two. I honestly can't figure out how the average person watches between 3 and 8 hours of this parade of shit EVERY DAY! As one of my heroes George Carlin once said, "I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!" So let's begin.

Lady Gaga: Please! Please! Stop writing news articles for every fucking little thing this bitch does! I don't care! I don't! She's just another singer with shitty "music". If you're into this whole Gaga thing, I'm truly asking you to tell me what everyone's so hyped about because I truly don't get it. I just want to have some grasp on what everyone likes about this cunt so I can complain appropriately. I just don't get it at all, though.

Do people find her hot? Is it the whole man/woman thing? I'm so utterly out of touch with youth values and interests. Surely it can't be the music. Whatever it is, stop reporting on and talking about her! She's just another mediocre hack.

Justin Bieber: Speaking of hacks. Is this little shit supposed to be the new voice of the youth or something? First of all his haircut looks like a homosexual cat got run over and turned into a wig and I don't know why everyone's so gaga over it (aaaw, sheet!). Second of all, make songs that aren't total balls or go back to Stratford.

LeBron James: Following sports stars is for fat, middle-aged, sales reps who have pissed half their life away working for the same boss who doesn't appreciate them. They own small, affordable sports cars and have wisps of gray in their hair and they need something, anything to distract them from how shitty their own lives are. They're under the impression that televised sports actually matter and dedicate their lives to a team. Soon they become sports experts and annoy the hell out of people like me, who are right about everything.

The Cast of Jersey Shore: Personally, I can't wait until "The Situation" and Snooki are old and fat and look like a couple of leather purses. Or maybe they won't make it to old age. Maybe they'll all die from "drama overdose". Maybe one of them will have a heart attack because somebody told them their tan was uneven. Maybe a couple of them will fall into a well and die of starvation because they can't think straight without their hair product and 300 dollar shirts.

I say we pull funding for their rinky-dink little show and pump it into the education system. What an ironic little twist that would be.

TV News: I actually find it kind of cute that you guys still take yourselves seriously. That's so adorable! I think it's so cutting edge of you to form your business model around the old "if a thousand monkeys" theory. If you keep jabbering on 24 hours of the day, eventually you'll say something intelligent and relevant to something.

And your on-screen graphics? Those scrolling tickers and the everlasting stock market window? Your holograms and your word clouds? Man, you guys just must have so much information you're just bursting at the seams! You just need a way to get it all out there!

I simply love your casual little banter and joking between anchors too! You guys are so down to earth, just like me! I can totally see that you guys aren't the uptight news snobs I thought you were. We're all just having fun, but staying informed at the same time as one big family!

Hahaha, I defs LOVE you guys, but...go fuck yourselves, lol!


My solution? Guillotine all of these people and everyone under the age of 20. The heads can be auctioned off to those "hip grandmother" types who still connect with today's youth and want Lady Gaga's head. We then guillotine those people and use their heads as soccer balls in the next FIFA "spectacle". We then guillotine all the FIFA players and hire the heads as the new anchors for Fox News, where nothing will really change.

Fox News will then recommend we guillotine everyone to prevent terrorism and America will agree because "how many planes have you seen crash into buildings since everyone was guillotined? See? It's working."

Now I don't know what's more stupid: this entry or the very people I'm complaining about.

IT'S OVER!!!!!

If they announced today that the wars in the middle east are officially over as of midnight, I probably wouldn't be as excited and relieved as I am now. Okay, I would, but you get the point. Anyway, FIFA 2010 is ending! The last game is underway! The end of this long highway of bullshit is on the horizon!

For a month I've had to listen to trivial crap about NOTHING until it was ultimately drowned out by vuvuzelas. I've had to listen to endless stats about players I don't care about, teams I don't care about, and a game I don't care about.

For a month I've had to watch Coca-Cola's bullshit advertising with dancing Africans happily gulping down that sugary crap. I've had to watch a bunch of pricks placing bets based on what a FUCKING OCTOPUS tells them.

For a month I've had to put up with brain-dead people shouting "Gooooooooooaaaaaall!"

Basically, for a month I haven't taken a solid shit.

And now the last game is underway! I don't give a rat's ass who wins! I'm actually crossing my fingers, hoping a giant asteroid will fall from the sky and land directly on the stadium with 20 seconds left in the game!

I'm giving everyone one grace day and only one. I know tomorrow everyone from your average Joes to your news networks to your Daily Shows will have to talk about the "big win". So I'm granting ONE day to get your ya-yas out.

After that I don't want to hear "soccer", "Fifa", "Gooooaaal", or "Al Gore" ever again. Thank you.

Bros With the Doors Taken Off Their Jeeps

OMG, look at you!

The hot weather's here and it's time to bring your A-game! You're going to tell the world you're SO all about summer! You've just been hibernating for the last several months, simply aching for that day when you can remove the doors from your Jeep so everyone will know that sunshine and tasty waves coarse through your veins.

Canada? Who said anything about Canada? In your mind you're cruising the streets of Malibu whistling at the honeys. Only you don't have time to stop. There are shirts to wear unbuttoned, patios to sit on, Natty Ice's to sip. You're a fun-loving bro on the go!

So get your damn flip-flops on, Kevin. The party-mobile has Blink 182's "Dammit" ready to go at full blast and it's setting sail in 5 minutes! You're going to totally break Rule 115 of the Bro Code if you're not on it.

And let's not forget to stick our arms out the side and drum on the roof along with the music so other people driving can see we're listening to something really awesome. Coolness is at stake here, people! We need to blatantly display how chill we are as often as possible!

To the untrained eye, we may look like just a bunch of douchebags driving around suburbia in a Jeep, but actually the fact that the doors are off means we're on a safari! A good old-fashioned poon safari! But again...no time to stop. Too much bro stuff to do. Otherwise we'd totally hit that.

Summer! High-five, Kevin! If only everyone else knew how epic we are!



(Yes, I realize I switched POVs halfway through. I suck as a writer.)

Fishing Shows

A couple of nights ago I had a very interesting evening. I was meeting somebody at a bar before work and I showed up a little under an hour early. As I was killing time I damn near flipped out because there's only so much bullshit your brain can handle at one time. The steady stream of bullshit that everyday life brings is manageable for me, but this time at the bar was like a year's worth packed into 60 minutes.

First I arrived and grabbed a stool at the bar because I was there alone. In front of me were three TVs. And they were all playing the same show. Strike one, but I can let that slide. A lot of bars do this "same show on every TV" crap. It's fucking stupid as far as I'm concerned, but it's their retarded bar and I'm not going to tell them how to run it.

The thing that I just couldn't get over, though, was the fact that they were all tuned to WFN....the WORLD FISHING NETWORK! Dear God, father of all things holy, please deliver me from fucking fishing shows. I'm convinced that stupid people will watch ANYTHING if you slap a theme song on it. I mean, hell, they've got a channel that shows nothing but a burning fireplace around the holidays. It's literally called the Fireplace Channel. We are so fucked, guys.

But fishing shows? I'd rather spend four hours listening to Ben Stein read from the Bible. Fishing shows have to be man's most boring creation to date and I'm truly curious to know who is watching all of them. And why we need a WHOLE FUCKING CHANNEL DEDICATED TO THEM! AND WHY A BAR THINKS THIS IS SUITABLE ENTERTAINMENT!!!!

And the commercials are no better. All they sell is a bunch of crap that's supposed to help you find fish easier. Trust me, this stuff doesn't work. I bought one and all it did was beep when I pointed it at Madonna's crotch. Sorry, that was a stupid joke.

I can sum up every fishing show ever: guy in trucker hat talking about NOTHING, same guy holds up caught fish, guy throws it back, repeat several times, end credits. Is this shit exciting or what?!

The only thing worse is those damn poker shows where everyone's acting like the smoothest muthafucker this side of the Atlantic. Go fuck yourselves, you shallow pricks. Especially you, obligatory one guy in the cowboy hat.

Poker and fishing are stupid.

Creative Homeless People

I don't know that this is a rant so much as just a commentary on these people, but I have to admit, they get me!

The creative homeless person is simply someone who has thought outside the box and has come up with a clever way to scoop the change from the pockets of passers-by. Most often it's just amusing signs, but there are some who have taken it a step further and they come up with elaborate schemes.

I met this one guy tonight as I was walking down the street just minding my own business. He didn't actually ask me for anything, but I ended up giving him a Toonie anyway. He stopped me wondering if I could call the police. I asked him what for and he told me to look up. I didn't see anything. Then he pointed out a raccoon sitting on a small portion of the eaves above the building we were standing next to. He was worried that it would fall and I could kind of see his point because it was huddled on a small platform and didn't have very many places to go.

Anyway, he was hoping I could make a call and I told him I didn't have a cell phone on me because I didn't own one but I could give him some change for a payphone. And that's what I ended up doing.

Then as I was walking away, my crazy old brain started churning out crazy old thoughts as it tends to do. "Wouldn't it be wicked if that homeless guy had that raccoon trained almost like a pet to climb up to absurd places so he could pretend to be concerned about it and grab a few bucks off morons like me?"

In all likelihood that wasn't the case, but I thought to myself, even if it was I'd still be glad to give that guy some change. Why? Why do I give change to creative homeless people? Because that's at least some effort, my friend!

If somebody asks me "Can you spare some change?", that's not effort. That's being the stereotypical bum. I will tell them, "No, but apparently Obama can (any fucking day now...)." Then I will slap myself for using dated humour and carry on with my day. Point being, traditional methods equal no change from me.

If you tickle that creative part of my brain though, you have a much better chance of getting some jingle in your jeans. As I mentioned before, you're giving it some fucking effort! But perhaps more so, I love creative people. If you can come up with some words on a piece of scrap cardboard that can make me laugh, fuck it, here's some change. It's probably a subconscious thought process like, "Why are you homeless?! You're a creative person and somebody should be paying you for your ideas! That person is now me! Why aren't you at least writing for some shitty little prime-time sitcom?! Best to you, brotha!"

That about sums it up. If I'm ever homeless the first thing I'll do is come up with an epic sign. Something really funny. As opposed to the nonsense I write on here.

G20 Special: Police State

If you've read my past rants about anti-government and personal freedoms, you may expect me to get on here and call the police a bunch of fascists and complain about the "fucking police state" we call Canada.

You would be wrong. In fact, I'm getting pretty tired of all these G20 protesters still whining and crying "Police State!" several days after the summit has ended.

Let me make this perfectly clear: We do not live in a police state in Canada. If you had ever actually been to a true police state, I think you would appreciate your Canadian freedoms a whole buttload more. However, this also does not mean that I will be spewing a bunch of garbage about Canada being the greatest country on earth with absolute freedom. That "national pride" shit that politicians are always cramming down our throats irks me just as much and, in my opinion, is arguably more damaging than police state accusations. That's a different rant though.

If you nay-sayers would open your eyes for two seconds (or "wake up", as you like to call it) perhaps you'd see the irony in yelling "Police State!" all over the mainstream AND alternative news, Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Blogger, etc. with no consequences. If you actually lived in a police state, you would not have the right to do that and you'd likely be locked up. Many people in police states have no real grasp of how large government dissidence is because speech is so heavily censored.

Alright, I've gotten that out of the way, so I WILL give you this: I see a lot of evidence of a rising police state. I think if we continue down the road we're travelling on, we WILL have a police state. There were lots of examples of police overstepping their grounds just last weekend. Yes, I DO think it's important to protest this and stop it in its tracks before it runs rampant.

Police State: getting there? Absolutely. Living in one? Fuck no. So quit'cher belly-achin'!

Joe Lieberman

What is up with this guy?

Everytime I'm reading an article that tells me what he's been up to, a few key words float through my mind: cranky, buzzkill, whiner, anti-fun, etc.

Now he's going after the internet. He doesn't have enough fascist control over it. It's the terrorists again. They might, like, uh, hack in or something, and like, fuck up our shit...and stuff. Right. It's always the terrorists. Every time you want to infringe a little bit more on people's liberties just scream "Terrorist" a little bit more and a little bit louder.

Lieberman reminds me of one of those old men that sees you working on something and insists on helping. You're managing fine and don't really want his help because he's old and slow and will probably screw something up, but you feel sorry for him because he doesn't have a lot going on for him and he's just so gosh-darned determined. So you give him something little to do just so he can keep his sense of self-worth.

American government, please stop allowing Lieberman to help! I know it's hard to do, but just flat out tell him, "Lieb-dog, don't get us wrong we appreciate all the ideas that have leaked from that massive head of yours and all the work you've done over the years. But frankly you're getting a little up there in years and we're not so sure anymore that you fully grasp reality. The internet? We don't want to presume, but you seem like the type of guy who's just now learning how to use a PC and spends 45 minutes hunt-and-pecking out a Twitter update.

Do it the Seinfeld way: like a Band-Aid, RIGHT OFF! It'll be better for everyone in the long run.

G20 Special: Violent Protesters

So the G20 summit has officially reached Toronto's downtown core and with it comes comes a tribe of highly employable, jabbering dickweeds. No, it's not the politicians I'm talking about. I mean Dick and Jane Windowpopper.

I'm all for protesting and speaking out for what you believe in. When I see people damaging property and basically causing shit, though, I have to wonder what these idiots are thinking. They appear to be trying to communicate with us. Perhaps their hemmorrhoids have flared up.

I really don't understand the logic in smashing windows.

"Now that a massive protest is occurring, I now have an excuse to engage in juvenile behaviour and most likely get away scot-free! I shall hurl a newspaper box through a Starbucks window. That will tell the world that as an individual I am opposed to any one of the following: Obama, Harper, police, capitalism, Israel, Palestine, 9/11, deodorant, frappuccinos, or intact glass panes. Bitchin'!"

Let's think about this now. If you're opposed to the summit, why are you destroying the front of a building that does not contain the people meeting? If you're opposed to the store or corporations or something like that, you're not doing anything by breaking a couple of windows. Business will go on after you've left. All you've succeeded in doing is piss off a storeowner and create a job for a window installer. Finally, if you're breaking the windows just for the sake of breaking shit, well, you're just an asswipe.

And what's all this I'm hearing about demonstrators being avoidant of the media? Now I'm to understand that you want to draw more attention to your message but you don't actually want to tell anyone what your message is? Alright...

Shit's getting real here and you're not helping.

G20 Special: The Fake Lake

Since the G20 Summit's rollin' through my neck of the woods, Toronto, I've decided to post some shit about that for the next couple of days.

Alright. Let's start with the thing that's on everyone Torontonian's mind. At least until shit hits the fan and there's better things to worry about. But for now, the fake lake.

My tax dollars actually went into the hands of a gangle of idiots who built a fucking artificial lake inside of a building right beside a GIANT FUCKING REAL LAKE!

Are you kidding me?!

This is supposedly to showcase what Canada has to offer. I'll tell you what Canada has to offer: poutine and frightening silver haircut.

When you think of it though, it is quite fitting. A fake lake for fake leaders with fake promises of fake solutions. Fake words, fake smiles, fake everything.

Anyway, hope you guys all get a chance to kick back by the lake while you're here. Twist the cap off of one one of our fine Canadian beers like Oliver Jangleson's. Brewed in the backways of rural New Brunswick, t'always goes down smooth, eh?

And government, if you start seeing little Monopoly bills circulating though your supply, that's just me sending you fake tax dollars. Cheers!

Holy Jumping FUCK!

I got home about 15 minutes ago after a 15 hour shift. I was sitting quietly in bed with my laptop in front of me playing a Nintendo Family Feud game that I found online. Basically minding my own business. Maybe I was stoned, maybe I wasn't...

Suddenly this bug wih a deep buzz comes a-floating down from above and lands on my head. I just flipped shit and started swatting. I didn't even see it, but I ticked it. I couldn't tell how big it was, but from the buzzing it made, it sounded friggin' big.

It flew away and I don't know where it is and it's not buzzing.

Let me tell you something, giant bug: FUCK YOU! You almost made me crap the bed! You better not come back! You will feel my wrath*!

Oh, and I did your sister last night. So...yeah.



*unless you look threatening

Movie Musicals

I've got a few problems with movie musicals (obviously, or you wouldn't be reading this right now). Specifically movie musicals. The musicals I've seen performed live on stage have been, for the most part, extremely well-assembled and highly awesome.

Which segue's me nicely to my first beef: they're uncomfortably fake. "Well, no duh, they're fake," I hear you saying, and I get that. But movie musicals are what I'll call "fake squared". That's right, "Fake" with a little number 2 on the upper right.

Let me explain. When you see a musical on stage the plot is fake, but the performances are the real deal. The actors are carrying on with ridiculous shit that would never happen in real life (more on that later), but the beads of sweat trickling down their faces after the big number are real. Stage musicals are basically the equivalent of the High School Musical director showing up on Day 1 of shooting and telling everyone "I'm'a keep this camera rolling for 2 hours and that's all. One take. Whatever you do is going to theatres, so make it good."

Movie musicals, on the other hand, are fake shit upon more fake shit upon even more fake shit. The plot is fake, but that's normal for most movies. The behaviour is fake, by which I mean rival street gangs DO NOT fucking sing to each other and rumble in meticulously choreographed dance moves. And strike three is that the whole thing is filmed in parts and edited together. More fakery. A performer fucks everything up and you can just yell "Cut!" Pshaw to that!!!

And why are people in musicals always so dangerously happy about everything? Everyone's springing out of bed all doe-eyed and Ritalined up, throwing upper story windows wide open, and busting into song about sunshine and confectionary items. Good for you. You've succeeded once again in waking up. Now put on some damn coffee for Christ's sake. Some of us need it.

The worst part of a movie musical is when an actor sings the first line of a song. Because all that means to me is, "We were here just a second ago with conversation between characters that perhaps you were at least minutely interested in. Now please enjoy 3-4 minutes of crap that does absolutely fuck-all to advance the plot!"
When the singing starts, so does the sighing.

Lastly, there are way too many shaggy-haired prettyboys and overly made-up robo-bitches in anything made in the last decade. I'm looking at you, Disney.

Please, there is music and there are movies. Pick one and stick with it. No more of this "you got movie in my music, you got music in my movie" shit.

Finally getting caught up with The Office...

...after weeks of watching religiously and despite being WAY behind the times, coming in to work at 9am after a 2 hour commute, busting ass all day, staying late, kicking back with Season 5 Episode 1 where Jim finally proposes to Pam and then searching out Episode 2 only to find out it's been removed due to COCKSUCKING VIOLATION OF TERMS OF AGREEMENT AND NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND OUT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!!! AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH! FUCK!

T-Shirts from Fundraisers

T-Shirts given out at fundraising events are a gigantic waste of cloth as far as I'm concerned. Who actually wears these things? When someone hands you one of these shirts they're not saying "Thanks for your support! Here's a little something to show our appreciation!"

What they're really saying is, "Have a nice trip to the Salvation Army!"

Because that's where all of these shirts inevitably end up. Don't believe me? Go to your local Salvation Army store or thrift shop and have a look at the t-shirt section. 95 percent of the shirts in there say "Becel Ride for Heart 1997!" on them with a bunch of insurance company logos printed underneath. If "Breast Cancer Awareness Month" didn't exist, the t-shirt section at thrift stores would be about 8-12 hangers on a doorknob.

And if the t-shirts don't end up a a thrift store? Well, there's always room for them to become sleeping gear, exercise gear, or for the truly daring, a wank rag. Could Planned Parenthood logically disapprove of people jizzing into their t-shirts?

The only people I ever see wearing fundraiser t-shirts in public are people who also wearing a fanny pack and shorts that are riding way too high. They all go to the supermarket specifically to "hang out" on the bench by the door and chat with you about their elderly parents' health problems. Creepy.

Do we really need to keep printing these eyesores?

TLC

What happened to you, man? You've changed.

I still remember the first time my family got cable. I'd imagine most kids would. When you're a kid, cable is the holy grail of your world. It's the sole reason you were put on this earth. Once you've achieved "cable status" there's really nothing else to look forward to for the rest of your life. Kind of depressing, really.

Anyway, I was about 10 years old when we first got cable and it was magical. Channel after channel! Show after show! Anything you wanted was on cable!

I was a nerdy kid (hell, I'm a nerdy adult) so I was totally psyched for TLC - The Learning Channel! My ongoing thirst for knowledge could now be quenched with just the push of a button! Oh, the things I would learn now that we had cable! And oh, how I did learn things!

....

So why am I now turning on TLC, no longer "The Learning Channel", to see a family of dickheads with way too many children, Jon & Kate Plus Who Gives a Fuck*, midgets, weddings, babies, and idiots winning money in cabs? FUCK!

A quest for knowledge has been trumped by low budget programming that I can't imagine anyone except fat redneck women would give two shits about. It's scary to think that people must actually be watching this crap. It wouldn't stay on the air otherwise. Something's seriously wrong.

We oughtta add a "D" to the end of this channel. TLCD: The Lowest Common Denominator.

God, people are boring.



*stolen from You Just Made My List!

"Air Fresheners"

Jesus. To the wonderful people working hard at Glade and other "scent-oriented" companies, I'm asking you: please knock it off!

I realize that you are exposed to scents all day long so perhaps your sense of smell has grown a little dull, much in the same way that listening to loud music all day would damage your hearing. Perhaps you don't realize that the rest of us still have a fairly sharp sense of smell. Perhaps you don't realize that I, like many others, can't stand to breathe in 500 acres of lilac bushes conveniently compressed into a small, handheld canister.

What I'm trying to say is, YOUR SHIT IS TOO STRONG! I'm here using YOUR shit to cover up the stench of MY shit and afterwards I'm left begging for the smell of MY shit because YOUR shit smells like shit. SHIT!

Whatever happened to "hints of things"? Hint of lilac, hint of seabreeze, hint of apple...
I feel like somebody's loading up a bazooka with a bushel of apples and firing it point blank right at my head.

Oh, and your ads with smiling soccer moms flinging open wide windows isn't helping.

Something smells funny in here and I don't think Glade has a label on it...