Black Licorice

My parents were good parents, but clearly they fucked up when it came to teaching me about the delicate subject of licorice. I'm in my mid 20s now and I still desperately want to believe that licorice is supposed to be red, not black, even though I know I'm wrong. My mom probably fed me a little piece of red licorice when I was three years old and ever since that day my head ain't been quite right.

Let's cut to the chase. Black licorice is shit. All black candies are. Licorice, jelly beans, ju-jubes, gum drops, Colgate Total, you all suck. Black is the colour of death and that's precisely what you taste like. Among other things such as ass, taint, nutsack, and anything else in or around the nether-regions.

Plus, have you ever seen someone after they've eaten a black candy? They look like a ghoul! They've got blue-ish black stains on their teeth and little drops of black juice in the corners of their mouth. It's fucking frightening. They always look like they're about to eat my skin with their black-candy-loving Vampiro fangs.

And are you one of those poor black-candy-loathing pricks like I am who has been in the unfortunate situation where you don't know if the candy you're about to eat is dark purple or black? So you man up and eat it? And it turns out to be black? That fucking sucks! And you almost swear off feeding the gumball machine quarters every time you go shopping.

Also, shame on anyone who actually likes those disgusting assorted licorice candies. Or those Hershey "Goodies".

I will see you and your damn black candies in hell.

Breaking My Playstation 2

Today I broke my PS2. Apparently I'm not good at fixing things.

My PS2 was always used mainly for watching DVDs. I'm not a big gamer although I do play the odd round of Barbie Horse Adventures. Mostly, though, it was used for watching Anchorman for the 700th time at 4:30am after a night at the bar. Well...to be fair, it would have been the 699th and a quarter time if that was the case. Don't you love waking up at 1pm with the DVD title screen looping over and over?

But anyway. A while back the PS2 started acting up with DVDs. They wouldn't play properly. The movie would freeze every few seconds and continue to do so until you got fed up and turned the system off. And recently it just flat out stopped reading DVDs. Games were fine, but DVDs were like poison.

I looked into it and concluded that the lens must need cleaning. So I got instructions on how to open up the PS2 to clean it. And today I set out to finally nip the problem in the bud.

Let me say right now that opening up a PS2 is way harder than getting those hard-shell packages open. I went at this thing with screwdrivers and vice grips and scissors and it took me well over half an hour to get it open.

In the midst of prying and crying and screaming and swearing I managed to cut myself on a sharp edge on one of the pieces inside. It started to bleed and I thought to myself, "Oh no, oh shit, oh boy. This is bad, this is bad." I became worried and drove myself to the emergency room. Panicking, I entered the hospital and I was rushed immediately into one of the rooms where a doctor looked at my hand.

I still haven't been able to figure out why, but the doctor seemed none too pleased with me. I was still a little shaken from my accident so I didn't quite absorb everything he said. But "asshole" and "for real emergencies only" were tossed around quite a bit. Whatever. I think he was just jealous that I left with his last Flinstones Band-aid wrapped around my pinky. And why was that kid with the two broken femurs glaring at me as I passed back through the waiting room? Jeez, lighten up.

After I returned home I continued to try and fix my PS2 only to have it conk out completely. Nothing works. I think I must have damaged the ribbon that connects the reset and eject buttons to the rest of the system. It's fucking balls.

Now I have no DVD player, no video game console, and a wound on my right pinky (which apparently isn't that serious but it so totally IS!). Plus I have to live with the knowledge that I can't fix things for shit and as such, can never be labelled as a real man.

Fuck.