Hallmark Holidays

Yeah, it's Father's Day and I'm here to sound like an asshole again. With all due respect to my parents, I'm sick of being guilted into buying shit. Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Valentine's Day are just stupid. How did we get to the point where it's basically a requirement to buy someone some piece of useless crap to celebrate otherwise you're cheap and a dickhead?

I'm stuck in this commercial trap and it's a nightmare. I want to just tell my parents I love them and thank them for pissing away their awesome lives to raise a little terror. And if I have children, (which is a "dream" on the horizon at this point), I'd expect them to do the same. How does a fucking GPS system tell dad you love him? If my son got me a GPS system I'd sit him down, tell him to take that overpriced piece of shit back to Best Buy, and make him write "I love you, Dad" on a post-it note. All of these electonics they're whoring out don't say "I love you and thanks", they say, "I'm a cluless fuck who got duped by the marketing machine once again."

But no, if I simply say "I love you and thanks" there's a long pause and the other person stares at me as if to say, "...there's a gift coming too, right?" Damn it, this is why I hate Christmas too! I can't opt out of the dumbass "buy a bunch of shit" tradition without being "cheap." Aaargh! Father's Day! It's supposed to be about letting your father know you appreciate him, not supporting big-box stores.

And besides, my dad hates all the electronic crap that all the commercials are saying he'll love. My dad's kind of like me (or vice versa), the only difference is that I bitch about everything and he basically just ignores it. But we both use very little. Neither one of us needs more stupid shit. People buy us stupid shit all the time because...well, I've already been over that...and we don't need it! Nobody does! Fuck iPods and Blackberries and cell phones and toasters and TVs and all of these damned gizmos they're pumping out at an alarming rate. It's all stupid shit.

I say, down with stupid shit and let's take Father's Day back from advertisers.

Urinal Code

I assume the majority of male readers will hate me for saying this, but Urinal Code is fucking dumb. I find it terribly ironic that men, in an effort to maintain their status as a man's man and avoid being thought of homosexual, will fuss over petty, insignificant details, something normally associated with...their FEMALE counterparts!

The video left out two parts to urinal code that I have witnessed:

1)If you can't avoid standing beside another man at a urinal, use a stall.
2)If you can't avoid standing beside another man at a urinal OR use a stall, wait until you can occupy a urinal that is not beside one in use.

The bathroom in the bar that I go to every Friday has two urinals and one stall so I've seen Urinal Code in effect quite routinely. I've been in the situation where I'm taking a piss and someone walks in and despite there being a free urinal, they go for the stall.

My view of Urinal Code is this: I have to piss, there's a toilet, it's free, and damn it, I'm using it. I really couldn't give a fuck about another man's deep-seated homophobia. Pissing is a normal bodily function and guess what? You're in a bathroom, genius. Pissing beside others is expected and it doesn't make you gay. Grow up and grow a pair. I don't have time to dick around at the back of the washroom playing number games in my head while my bladder bursts.

That said, I don't deliberately break Urinal Code. I follow it to some degree, just not if it inconveniences me. For example, if there are 5 urinals and only 1 is taken, I don't march up and drop trou right next to him. We all need personal space. Likewise, I don't look around the room or at anything besides the wall in front of me and I don't speak unless spoken to. I never initiate urinal conversation, but if someone strikes up, I have no problem with brief small talk. I'm not one of those guys that gets weirded out by talking in the bathroom and I have to say I don't understand why some guys do.

Urinal Code, as far as I'm concerned, is just a bunch of guys trying to act tough, but actually coming across as very wimpy and insecure in the process. We're all human beings here. Can't we all just take a piss without fretting over absurd rules?

Larry King's Career

What is going on this week? Is it just me or is Larry King being shit on? See, I was under the impression that he was a qualified and respected anchor/interviewer and good at what he does. But this week he's been stuck chatting with morons.

Larry King should be delivering hard-hitting, informative reporting. That's the kind of thing I see him doing. Not asking the Jonas Brothers about their girlfriends, as he's doing tonight. He's too good for that and he's above it.

Tuesday he had Kathy Griffin on his show and it was awful. I have to admit that I've never followed any of her stuff even though I've known her name and what she does for years. I realized how thankful I am for that time in the dark because she turned out to be really, really annoying. She was unfunny, wouldn't shut the fuck up, and the whole interview was just awkward.

And on Monday (I believe?) he had to talk with Idol winner David Cook. Like, what the hell?! Why does such a good anchor get stuck covering absolute fluff? I really feel sorry for him. Why isn't he given the opportunity to use his talents to cover Tehran or Obama's latest doings? Get these fucking pop stars off the news network!

Talk about hindered talent.

Guantanamo Shell

I had a downright ghastly experience at the gas station last night. I was driving home from work and hadn't eaten in a long time so I decided to stop at a gas station at about the halfway point to grab a bag of chips. I don't usually stop at this gas station, but as I pulled in I assumed I'd be able to grab my chips, pay, and leave. If that was the case though, I wouldn't be writing this.

Maybe I'm just not up to speed on gas station culture, but the Shell station I stopped at was seriously taking security on a joyride. I got out of my truck and noticed a younger guy outside talking to the clerk through a little window beside the register. I payed no attention and walked up to the doors, pulled, and discovered they were locked.

So I went over to the little window where the guy was still paying for his gas and smokes and waited. When he was done I said loudly to the clerk through the window, "Can I get a bag of chips or are you guys closed?" He replied back that he couldn't open the door but he could pass me them through the window.

Now this window was more of a small box attached to the side of the store. There was a door that the clerk could open and a door that the customer could open. They couldn't be opened at the same time though for security reasons I guess.

So the clerk goes around the counter and over to the chips and he starts pointing at bags and looking at me to signal to him which bag I want. But the aisle is set up in a way that I can't see what he's pointing at. So I keep repositioning myself and eventually I lean way over and it looks like he's pointing at the bag I want so I just give him a thumbs up and it's not the bag I wanted but fuck it, I'm sick of this shit and I feel like a moron.

Then he brings the wrong chips around and rings them up and go figure, I don't even have enough change to pay for them. So I have to put them on debit and have him stretch the fucking machine through the stupid god damned window-box piece of shit. And then we go through this whole process of him trying to pass me the chips through the window and it not working out because we're both trying to open our little doors at the same time and it doesn't work like that!

What the hell?! Why must I feel like a criminal at the gas station?! I felt like I was in a reverse prison cell and instead of passing stuff to me through a lockable slot in the door, they were passing my shit out. I understand the need for security at convenience stores, but isn't this taking it a little far?

It took me like four and a half hours to buy a bag of chips when I could have just walked in, gotten the RIGHT DAMNED KIND, plopped them on the counter, and paid. I'd have been in and out in 30 seconds. Instead I had to mouth words, play charades with a guy and pass a bunch of shit through a fucking window.

Next time hunger strikes while I'm driving, I'm pulling over and eating grass and dirt out of the ditch. I can't say it will be pleasant, but it will be filling and I won't need to be a theatre major to get some chow.

EEEWWWWWW!!!

Dear God, why?! Why?! I really hate how you can't unsee things.

You're probably a little confused. Why is the title an exclamation of disgust? Why do I want to apparently unsee Milo and Otis, such an innocent children's movie? Well, I'm here to tell you, friend.

<<< SPOILER ALERT >>>

Milo and Otis was a family favourite when I was a kid. Dudley Moore's charming narration and British Bob Saget-like animal voices could always coax a smile from my brother and I. Then I grew up and the our video just kind of disappeared and was forgotten about.

A couple weeks ago I read something online that mentioned the movie and I had one of those "OMGZZZ I TOTES FORGOT ABOUT THAT!!!" moment and decided that if I happened to come across it in the video store I'd check it out again for old time's sake. Well, I did see it in the video store and I did rent it.

Today I watched it and was having a nice trip down memory lane. Milo didn't die when he went over the waterfall in a box...Otis rescued his friend from a hole that he was trapped in...and then DEAR SWEET GOD WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! THE CAT JUST SHIT OUT A KITTEN! IN EXTREME CLOSE-UP! WITH INCREDIBLE DETAIL!

I spent the next hour and a half periodically dipping my head into a bucket to expell my lunch of yogurt, Werther's Original, and caffeine tablets. My head was spinning. How could this be? It was like the filmakers wanted to drop an atomic bomb on my friendly, sunny mosey down memory lane. And then crash like 6 trains into it.

This was not in the script. I was supposed to watch this movie without crapping yogurt out my mouth. I couldn't remember ever seeing graphic footage of a cat dumping out the brood. Of all the times I watched Milo and Otis as a kid, I can't remember ever being completely grossed out. Was the scene cut from the copy I had? Have I just become a huge pussy (no pun intended) in my age? Either way, I'm now traumatized.

In closing, use your best discretion when watching Milo and Otis. It gets pretty rough. Apparently you get to see the dog laying egg as well, but I was too busy vomitting and crying like a little girl to notice. Speaking of which, fun fact: yogurt has pretty much the same consistency coming out as it did going in. The more you know.

Rod Blagojevich

Can this guy just fuck off and find a hobby already? In case you're unaware, Blagojevich was governor of Illinois until he was kicked the fuck out at the beginning of the year for being such an assclown. No wait, for being a corrupt politician, or as I like to call them..."politicians." Ever since he got his just desserts he's been popping up periodically on the news in what seems to be a desperate stab for attention.

I just saw him on the news performing in a Second City musical called "Rod Blagojevich Superstar". He was standing on a chair singing. I think Rod's officially lost it. Next thing you know, we'll be seeing him auditioning for American Idol or announcing his new clothing line. He just seems like he's given up.

Aside from his occasionally televised "pity coverage', I just can't stand the way he looks. He looks like the result of Spencer Rice having sex with a lab rat. He grew up, entered politics, got a really terrible haircut, and started whining incessantly.

Christ, I saw enough of this guy during the whole impeachment process in January. After he was kicked out I was relieved that maybe I wouldn't have to look at his dumbass hair and tiny eyes every day. But he keeps coming back! He won't stay in Hell!

Blago, go away. At least when your look-alike Spencer Rice whines about everything it's funny. You're just damned irritating.

Cutesy Flavours

Don't you hate it when you just want some ice cream and the girl at the counter asks what flavour you'd like and you're suddenly caught in that awkward but critical moment when you have to decide whether you should sheepishly mutter "Very Berry Strawberry" or just point and say "...that one."? I sure do. Almost as much as I hate opening sentences that seemingly never end.

I spent roughly 10 seconds thinking of stores that offer cutesy flavours and I came up with 2 (though I'm sure there are many more): Baskin-Robbins and Kernels. I don't understand why they have to embarrass people just for some cheap creativity. Honestly, can we cut the crap? I don't want Sting Me or Bahama Mama or Super Kid. Just gimme a fucking bag of popcorn!

It sucks, because usually the only people working at these places are cute girls and there's no way to say you want a Rock 'N Pop Swirl cone and still seem like maybe you're cool. Given, Rock 'N Pop Swirl sounds mighty suggestive and it just might work in different circumstances. In the ice cream parlour, though, it just sounds a little creepy.

But you know, for comedy's sake, a small part of me wants them to come up with an outrageously long flavour that would just piss everyone off. Even the "Okey-Dokey" dads who seem to be totally comfortable reciting these dumbass flavours.
"Try our new Rava-Flava Totally Tastetasic Toffee Nut Syrup and Poppin' Peanut/Pecan Vanilla and Chocolate Devilish Double-Up Swirlclone in your choice of Reggie Cone, Waffle Cone, Sugar Cone, Sprinkle Cone, or Deep-Fried Bacon-Wrapped Cone!"

Guaranteed, most people wouldn't even bother with that shit. They'd order a small vanilla cone, get the fuck out of there, and thenceforth visit Granddad's Olde-Tyme Creamatorium, a shack on wheels, where, although Granddad is a registered sex offender and routinely gets 'Nam flashbacks, he's still a lot more mentally stable than those fucks at Baskin-Robbins.

Nightclubs

I have a real problem with nightclubs, namely that every fucking aspect of them is incredibly stupid. So let's begin.

1)Dancing. It blows. I've had my share of drunk girls pull me onto the dance floor and every moment I'm there is pure fucking agony. Part of it being that I can't dance worth two shits. I've got like 3 moves and they all suck ass. I'm just not creative that way. But mostly it's just my belief that dancing is for idiots. I've got this idea that dancing is just a byproduct of our animal brains. Hard to put it in words but I picture clubbers' brains as being just, "Me want girl. Me move body for girl. Girl think sexy. Girl want Clubber." It just seems so fucking primitive and pointless and desperate.

2)Shitty music. Gosh, do I ever like dancing to 12 minute songs that are just 20 second segments looped over and over and over! Of course I don't. I already said I hate dancing. I honestly don't understand why people like these so called "beats". They're boring as fuck and they all sound the same. And that just covers those delightful clubs where everyone's on X. Let's not forget the hip hop/R&B houses of hell....I can't really go much further into them besides saying that their music is equally shitty.

3)Alpha males. Big muscles, thin beards, smelly colognes, and empty heads. Go the fuck home and take your ego with you. I want to slap these overly-confident assholes who think they're God's gift to the world. But I don't because they'd undoubtedly kick my ass. Badly.

4)Drunk girls. Don't take that the wrong way, I've got no problem with a girl who can drink. I'm talking about the girls who have two beers and then turn into complete fucking morons. Intellect is a major factor for me in deciding which girls are a turn-on. Which is why I will never hook up with Tila Tequila (among many, many other reasons). Why can't I ever talk to any drunk and smart girls at the bar?! Every one I talk to giggles, plays with my hair, and points out quite obviously that it's curly. They're loud, they're annoying, and they're fucking dumb as rocks.

Nightclubs are just a place where horny people meet to participate in inane activities, drink pussy drinks, and bullshit each other for a few hours. A pointless place for pointless people.

Realizing That Basically the Only Thing I've Done All Day is Watch DVD Commentaries

If you think the above picture is a bit depressing, I didn't even have the girl in the bed! God damn, what a waste of a day. I'm not saying I'm the most productive person in the world, but on average, I do more than stay in bed and watch DVD commentaries all day!

And it's not like I was watching deep, intelligent movies where the commentary was describing the movie's symbolism and whatnot. I was watching Ace Ventura, Mallrats, and Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Not a whole lot of symbolism in giving someone the stinkpalm. It's pretty much something you take at face value.

It would have been bad enough if I had just stayed in bed watching DVDs all day. But I watched the commentaries, the telltale sign of having way too much time on your hands. On the other hand, though, at least I haven't taken to writing lengthy rants on the message boards at IMDB. Still, I feel like I could have been more productive with my day.

Watching skateboarding DVD commentaries would have been just cause for an immediate head examination. Do skateboarding DVDs even have commentaries? I sure hope not. It would just be 2 hours of losers desperately trying to find something interesting to talk about. "And...that was Jeremy doing a 180 shove-it....into a double heelflip....oh, and here's Brent....he smashed his nads on the rail like 19 times before he finally landed that....(sighs and looks at watch)"

Tomorrow I'm going to run for prime minister just to make up today's hopelessly lost productivity. That oughta even things up.

Skateboarding DVDs

I was just looking at my movie collection and it occurred to me what an empty-headed teenager I was. The reason being that I own 3 skateboarding DVDs. Yes, folks, entire DVDs of skateboarding footage set to shitty music.

I haven't watched them in several years and with good reason I say. Who wants to watch skateboarding footage? It's god damned boring. I'd rather watch golf. Skateboarding is a guy flipping a board with his feet over and over. These guys need to kickflip their asses into a job interview.

The guys in these videos always look so wimpy too. They're always 85 pounds, they've always got their stupid hair in their eyes because they have stupid haircuts, and they're always wearing tight girls shirts.

I own one DVD called "The DC Video". Supposedly it's so creatively named after a skateboarding company, but given it's track record in my DVD player, I think it must be short for "The Dust Collecting Video".

Another one I own is called Yeah Right! Apparently named for the reaction one has while looking through one's DVD collection and realizing what a dumbass one was. The last one I own is a DVD some guys made called Opinion. Sadly, theirs aren't being heard in my household.

But enough with the lame jokes. What a waste of money. Anyone want 3 skateboarding DVDs for like 5 bucks? I won't judge...

Bullshit TV Talent Show Contestants

...and the way nobody can shut the fuck up about them.

First of all, Fox has no right to assume I'm going to look up to these people. The show really should be called "People Who Would Presumably Appeal to Those With Sub-Par Intelligence". I have not once thought of any Idol winners as my heroes. American Idol, Canadian Idol, Pakistani Idol, I don't care what my citizenship is, in my eyes these people are all completely lame.

It's always the same routine anyway. Some prettyboy wins the stupid little contest and then they're the News Network Idol for a few weeks. Skip forward 3 years and you're drunkenly browsing Wikipedia at 4am. You somehow end up at one of these Idol winner's pages and you think, "Oh man, I forgot all about that dude!". As it turns out he's released several albums, none of which you've heard or care about. Some idol. Oh, how I yearn to be deemed a hero of the people after using up my fifteen minutes of fame, something which everyone supposedly gets.

Now that that's out of the way, I have to make a request to the media: GIVE IT A FUCKING REST! I don't care about Susan Boyle's mental health and I don't care that Adam Lambert is gay. Can you please report on shit that actually matters? I'll even give you a head start. Here's a headline to wet your whistle: Populations Getting Dumber at Alarming Rate, Obsession With Non-News a Contributing Factor. Aaaaaand...GO!

See, I'm not one of those people who bawled their eyes out while watching Susan Boyle's "I Dreamed a Dream" performance. Personally I don't think Susan Boyle made anyone cry. The video production department made people cry. The whole clip was produced like a feel-good movie. If you just sat Boyle down in a room and she sang to you one on one, I'll bet the only thing you'd think of is, "Damn, this guy has a good voice."

Sorry, cheap joke. The point I'm trying to make is that everyone needs to shut up about Idol winners and supposed inspirational people from talent shows. They're just people with good singing voices who end up releasing piss poor "music" that nobody listens to. I don't need to hear about them every fucking day. Gosh I can't wait until this Paul Potts movie I've been hearing about is released! Then I get to put up with more crying girls!

I'm tired of this bullshit.

The Dickhead From the Weekender Commercial

Seriously, do I even need to post the video? I'm pissed off just looking at this clown. Oh, all right.



The first reason I want to punch this guy every time I see him is because he literally looks like a dickhead, what with his bald head and his turtleneck. I've never heard of a cock wearing incredibly annoying glasses or sporting a five o'clock shadow, but there's a first for everything. Please, buddy, I don't care how you do it, but change your look somehow! Grow a skullet, grow a beard, get contact lenses, have a friend hit you in the face with a shovel a few times. Do what you need to do, but if I see your penis-like head in a turtleneck one more time, I'm going to go postal.

The other reason I want to shoot this man with a crossbow is because of the incredibly smug, douche-y way he speaks. When I watch this Weekender commercial I don't hear a man casually talking about a newspaper. I hear the muffled words of a man speaking from his upper digestive tract because he's got his head so far up his ass. This is the type of guy who lives alone in a high rise condo, drinks only super-expensive wine, owns a fluffy white cat, attends fine arts performances whenever possible, and uses the word "cultured" way too often when describing said performances.

I get the feeling this guy thinks he's better than me and everyone else on this planet. He seems like he likes to brag about how everything he owns is better than the shit I own. If I'm not drinking Dom Perignon and listening to eloquent Chopin compositions every night with dinner, I have no right to even live in the same city as him. Nor would I want to.

I just wish Dickhead would get off my TV screen and stop being so full of himself.

Charities Closing Major Highways

I drive a vehicle so automtically I'm a self-centred asshole in some people's minds. But I'm about to become an even bigger asshole because today I'm ranting about major highways being closed so that some charity can throw an event to raise money for themselves.

This weekend it's the Heart and Stroke Foundation closing down the DVP and Gardiner so they can ride their little bicycles and roller blades. Sorry to be a heartless bastard and stroke my own ego, but get the fuck off the highways! Go to Fergus or something, I don't care. The only time I really have any need for the Heart and Stroke Foundation is when my blood pressure goes through the roof as a result of them closing the fucking highways! I don't think they realize that they're pissing off a lot of asshole motorists such as myself.

My drive in to work takes long enough as it is. I don't need detours that slow the traffic to a near stop. I don't like taking alternate routes through the city because all the pissed off people take the same routes. Drving through town is slow enough as it is. Add a bunch of people that would normally be on the highway and you've got yourself one hell of a nightmare, my friend. And Christ, traffic lights every 5 feet?

I think the real reason this concerns me so much is because when I think of thousands of cyclists riding down two of Toronto's major highways, I'm thinking HUGE FUCKING BIKER GANG! I've told you before that a pack of 8 or 10 bikers makes me nervous, but here we've got a gang of bloody thousands! They're liable to burn down the whole city and crucify us all!

No good can come from bikers closing down the highway. And that's why next time I'm going to rent a dump truck, set the cruise control, and "shut down their little event", knowwhaddamean?

Missing a Friend's Birthday Party

I'm a lonely guy to begin with. I don't have many friends and rarely do I spend time with the few that I have. I mean, I rant online every day, is it that much of a surprise? So when someone calls me to hang out I try to do everything I can to make it work, which is hard with the unusual hours that I work.

A couple weeks ago my friend/bandmate informed me of a birthday party he was hosting for himself, which happened to be today. Since I work every Saturday night I did my best to get some time off and I succeeded in getting half of my shift off (7pm-11pm were supposed to be a non-issue for me). That was until yesterday, when I was given a special task.

"No biggie," I thought, "I'll still be able to leave by 7, 7:30 at the latest." Boy was I wrong. The special task ended up dragging on for-fucking-ever and I didn't finish until nearly 10:00. Since it would take me close to an hour to get to my friend's house, the birthday party ended up being a fucking write-off. FUCK!

Why today, man, why today? All year I've spent each Saturday doing fuck all at work because Saturday's are just like that here. The one time when I actually get to have a social life I get sprung with bullshit which completely denies me that opportunity. Woe is me.

All I wanted to do was drink a couple beers, play a little guitar, and have some fun. Thanks to my abysmal social life I probably won't see any of my friends for 3-4 months now. Because that's the way it's being working for me for the last couple of years.

I suck, work sucks, and I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Neil Peart's Consistently Vacant Expression

If you've ever watched Rush play live you've probably noticed that Neil Peart has one facial expression and only one. It's kind of this constipated grimace. He always seems to look like he's thinking, "God damn it, not another tour. This shit isn't even fun anymore." It's like he's mentally rolling his eyes at the whole situation.

I've decided that Neil Peart either:

a) is a government robot and that's why he's so good (likeliest scenario).
b) had a hardened authoritarian father who locked him in a dim cellar and made him practice the drums at least 9 or 10 hours a day. Neil was fed cabbage, processed meat (which actually contained almost no meat at all), and hose water twice daily and would be given a thorough lashing if he complained about blisters.

It can't be anything else.

Peart actally reminds me of a wise and solemn shaman with his headbands and stiff, wrinkly face. He seems like he's probably seen some shit. Maybe drumming produces some sort of visionary experience for him. Who knows?

I just don't like musicians that seem like they take their work way too seriously. Eric Clapton's been guilty of this as well. I'm not saying I have a problem with their music, in fact a lot of it's good. I just get annoyed with their attitudes. Music's supposed to be fun. Good times. They just need to crack a smile once in a while and not look like their talents are the result of childhood abuse.