IT'S OVER!!!!!

If they announced today that the wars in the middle east are officially over as of midnight, I probably wouldn't be as excited and relieved as I am now. Okay, I would, but you get the point. Anyway, FIFA 2010 is ending! The last game is underway! The end of this long highway of bullshit is on the horizon!

For a month I've had to listen to trivial crap about NOTHING until it was ultimately drowned out by vuvuzelas. I've had to listen to endless stats about players I don't care about, teams I don't care about, and a game I don't care about.

For a month I've had to watch Coca-Cola's bullshit advertising with dancing Africans happily gulping down that sugary crap. I've had to watch a bunch of pricks placing bets based on what a FUCKING OCTOPUS tells them.

For a month I've had to put up with brain-dead people shouting "Gooooooooooaaaaaall!"

Basically, for a month I haven't taken a solid shit.

And now the last game is underway! I don't give a rat's ass who wins! I'm actually crossing my fingers, hoping a giant asteroid will fall from the sky and land directly on the stadium with 20 seconds left in the game!

I'm giving everyone one grace day and only one. I know tomorrow everyone from your average Joes to your news networks to your Daily Shows will have to talk about the "big win". So I'm granting ONE day to get your ya-yas out.

After that I don't want to hear "soccer", "Fifa", "Gooooaaal", or "Al Gore" ever again. Thank you.

Bros With the Doors Taken Off Their Jeeps

OMG, look at you!

The hot weather's here and it's time to bring your A-game! You're going to tell the world you're SO all about summer! You've just been hibernating for the last several months, simply aching for that day when you can remove the doors from your Jeep so everyone will know that sunshine and tasty waves coarse through your veins.

Canada? Who said anything about Canada? In your mind you're cruising the streets of Malibu whistling at the honeys. Only you don't have time to stop. There are shirts to wear unbuttoned, patios to sit on, Natty Ice's to sip. You're a fun-loving bro on the go!

So get your damn flip-flops on, Kevin. The party-mobile has Blink 182's "Dammit" ready to go at full blast and it's setting sail in 5 minutes! You're going to totally break Rule 115 of the Bro Code if you're not on it.

And let's not forget to stick our arms out the side and drum on the roof along with the music so other people driving can see we're listening to something really awesome. Coolness is at stake here, people! We need to blatantly display how chill we are as often as possible!

To the untrained eye, we may look like just a bunch of douchebags driving around suburbia in a Jeep, but actually the fact that the doors are off means we're on a safari! A good old-fashioned poon safari! But again...no time to stop. Too much bro stuff to do. Otherwise we'd totally hit that.

Summer! High-five, Kevin! If only everyone else knew how epic we are!



(Yes, I realize I switched POVs halfway through. I suck as a writer.)

Fishing Shows

A couple of nights ago I had a very interesting evening. I was meeting somebody at a bar before work and I showed up a little under an hour early. As I was killing time I damn near flipped out because there's only so much bullshit your brain can handle at one time. The steady stream of bullshit that everyday life brings is manageable for me, but this time at the bar was like a year's worth packed into 60 minutes.

First I arrived and grabbed a stool at the bar because I was there alone. In front of me were three TVs. And they were all playing the same show. Strike one, but I can let that slide. A lot of bars do this "same show on every TV" crap. It's fucking stupid as far as I'm concerned, but it's their retarded bar and I'm not going to tell them how to run it.

The thing that I just couldn't get over, though, was the fact that they were all tuned to WFN....the WORLD FISHING NETWORK! Dear God, father of all things holy, please deliver me from fucking fishing shows. I'm convinced that stupid people will watch ANYTHING if you slap a theme song on it. I mean, hell, they've got a channel that shows nothing but a burning fireplace around the holidays. It's literally called the Fireplace Channel. We are so fucked, guys.

But fishing shows? I'd rather spend four hours listening to Ben Stein read from the Bible. Fishing shows have to be man's most boring creation to date and I'm truly curious to know who is watching all of them. And why we need a WHOLE FUCKING CHANNEL DEDICATED TO THEM! AND WHY A BAR THINKS THIS IS SUITABLE ENTERTAINMENT!!!!

And the commercials are no better. All they sell is a bunch of crap that's supposed to help you find fish easier. Trust me, this stuff doesn't work. I bought one and all it did was beep when I pointed it at Madonna's crotch. Sorry, that was a stupid joke.

I can sum up every fishing show ever: guy in trucker hat talking about NOTHING, same guy holds up caught fish, guy throws it back, repeat several times, end credits. Is this shit exciting or what?!

The only thing worse is those damn poker shows where everyone's acting like the smoothest muthafucker this side of the Atlantic. Go fuck yourselves, you shallow pricks. Especially you, obligatory one guy in the cowboy hat.

Poker and fishing are stupid.

Creative Homeless People

I don't know that this is a rant so much as just a commentary on these people, but I have to admit, they get me!

The creative homeless person is simply someone who has thought outside the box and has come up with a clever way to scoop the change from the pockets of passers-by. Most often it's just amusing signs, but there are some who have taken it a step further and they come up with elaborate schemes.

I met this one guy tonight as I was walking down the street just minding my own business. He didn't actually ask me for anything, but I ended up giving him a Toonie anyway. He stopped me wondering if I could call the police. I asked him what for and he told me to look up. I didn't see anything. Then he pointed out a raccoon sitting on a small portion of the eaves above the building we were standing next to. He was worried that it would fall and I could kind of see his point because it was huddled on a small platform and didn't have very many places to go.

Anyway, he was hoping I could make a call and I told him I didn't have a cell phone on me because I didn't own one but I could give him some change for a payphone. And that's what I ended up doing.

Then as I was walking away, my crazy old brain started churning out crazy old thoughts as it tends to do. "Wouldn't it be wicked if that homeless guy had that raccoon trained almost like a pet to climb up to absurd places so he could pretend to be concerned about it and grab a few bucks off morons like me?"

In all likelihood that wasn't the case, but I thought to myself, even if it was I'd still be glad to give that guy some change. Why? Why do I give change to creative homeless people? Because that's at least some effort, my friend!

If somebody asks me "Can you spare some change?", that's not effort. That's being the stereotypical bum. I will tell them, "No, but apparently Obama can (any fucking day now...)." Then I will slap myself for using dated humour and carry on with my day. Point being, traditional methods equal no change from me.

If you tickle that creative part of my brain though, you have a much better chance of getting some jingle in your jeans. As I mentioned before, you're giving it some fucking effort! But perhaps more so, I love creative people. If you can come up with some words on a piece of scrap cardboard that can make me laugh, fuck it, here's some change. It's probably a subconscious thought process like, "Why are you homeless?! You're a creative person and somebody should be paying you for your ideas! That person is now me! Why aren't you at least writing for some shitty little prime-time sitcom?! Best to you, brotha!"

That about sums it up. If I'm ever homeless the first thing I'll do is come up with an epic sign. Something really funny. As opposed to the nonsense I write on here.

G20 Special: Police State

If you've read my past rants about anti-government and personal freedoms, you may expect me to get on here and call the police a bunch of fascists and complain about the "fucking police state" we call Canada.

You would be wrong. In fact, I'm getting pretty tired of all these G20 protesters still whining and crying "Police State!" several days after the summit has ended.

Let me make this perfectly clear: We do not live in a police state in Canada. If you had ever actually been to a true police state, I think you would appreciate your Canadian freedoms a whole buttload more. However, this also does not mean that I will be spewing a bunch of garbage about Canada being the greatest country on earth with absolute freedom. That "national pride" shit that politicians are always cramming down our throats irks me just as much and, in my opinion, is arguably more damaging than police state accusations. That's a different rant though.

If you nay-sayers would open your eyes for two seconds (or "wake up", as you like to call it) perhaps you'd see the irony in yelling "Police State!" all over the mainstream AND alternative news, Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Blogger, etc. with no consequences. If you actually lived in a police state, you would not have the right to do that and you'd likely be locked up. Many people in police states have no real grasp of how large government dissidence is because speech is so heavily censored.

Alright, I've gotten that out of the way, so I WILL give you this: I see a lot of evidence of a rising police state. I think if we continue down the road we're travelling on, we WILL have a police state. There were lots of examples of police overstepping their grounds just last weekend. Yes, I DO think it's important to protest this and stop it in its tracks before it runs rampant.

Police State: getting there? Absolutely. Living in one? Fuck no. So quit'cher belly-achin'!

Joe Lieberman

What is up with this guy?

Everytime I'm reading an article that tells me what he's been up to, a few key words float through my mind: cranky, buzzkill, whiner, anti-fun, etc.

Now he's going after the internet. He doesn't have enough fascist control over it. It's the terrorists again. They might, like, uh, hack in or something, and like, fuck up our shit...and stuff. Right. It's always the terrorists. Every time you want to infringe a little bit more on people's liberties just scream "Terrorist" a little bit more and a little bit louder.

Lieberman reminds me of one of those old men that sees you working on something and insists on helping. You're managing fine and don't really want his help because he's old and slow and will probably screw something up, but you feel sorry for him because he doesn't have a lot going on for him and he's just so gosh-darned determined. So you give him something little to do just so he can keep his sense of self-worth.

American government, please stop allowing Lieberman to help! I know it's hard to do, but just flat out tell him, "Lieb-dog, don't get us wrong we appreciate all the ideas that have leaked from that massive head of yours and all the work you've done over the years. But frankly you're getting a little up there in years and we're not so sure anymore that you fully grasp reality. The internet? We don't want to presume, but you seem like the type of guy who's just now learning how to use a PC and spends 45 minutes hunt-and-pecking out a Twitter update.

Do it the Seinfeld way: like a Band-Aid, RIGHT OFF! It'll be better for everyone in the long run.

G20 Special: Violent Protesters

So the G20 summit has officially reached Toronto's downtown core and with it comes comes a tribe of highly employable, jabbering dickweeds. No, it's not the politicians I'm talking about. I mean Dick and Jane Windowpopper.

I'm all for protesting and speaking out for what you believe in. When I see people damaging property and basically causing shit, though, I have to wonder what these idiots are thinking. They appear to be trying to communicate with us. Perhaps their hemmorrhoids have flared up.

I really don't understand the logic in smashing windows.

"Now that a massive protest is occurring, I now have an excuse to engage in juvenile behaviour and most likely get away scot-free! I shall hurl a newspaper box through a Starbucks window. That will tell the world that as an individual I am opposed to any one of the following: Obama, Harper, police, capitalism, Israel, Palestine, 9/11, deodorant, frappuccinos, or intact glass panes. Bitchin'!"

Let's think about this now. If you're opposed to the summit, why are you destroying the front of a building that does not contain the people meeting? If you're opposed to the store or corporations or something like that, you're not doing anything by breaking a couple of windows. Business will go on after you've left. All you've succeeded in doing is piss off a storeowner and create a job for a window installer. Finally, if you're breaking the windows just for the sake of breaking shit, well, you're just an asswipe.

And what's all this I'm hearing about demonstrators being avoidant of the media? Now I'm to understand that you want to draw more attention to your message but you don't actually want to tell anyone what your message is? Alright...

Shit's getting real here and you're not helping.

G20 Special: The Fake Lake

Since the G20 Summit's rollin' through my neck of the woods, Toronto, I've decided to post some shit about that for the next couple of days.

Alright. Let's start with the thing that's on everyone Torontonian's mind. At least until shit hits the fan and there's better things to worry about. But for now, the fake lake.

My tax dollars actually went into the hands of a gangle of idiots who built a fucking artificial lake inside of a building right beside a GIANT FUCKING REAL LAKE!

Are you kidding me?!

This is supposedly to showcase what Canada has to offer. I'll tell you what Canada has to offer: poutine and frightening silver haircut.

When you think of it though, it is quite fitting. A fake lake for fake leaders with fake promises of fake solutions. Fake words, fake smiles, fake everything.

Anyway, hope you guys all get a chance to kick back by the lake while you're here. Twist the cap off of one one of our fine Canadian beers like Oliver Jangleson's. Brewed in the backways of rural New Brunswick, t'always goes down smooth, eh?

And government, if you start seeing little Monopoly bills circulating though your supply, that's just me sending you fake tax dollars. Cheers!

Holy Jumping FUCK!

I got home about 15 minutes ago after a 15 hour shift. I was sitting quietly in bed with my laptop in front of me playing a Nintendo Family Feud game that I found online. Basically minding my own business. Maybe I was stoned, maybe I wasn't...

Suddenly this bug wih a deep buzz comes a-floating down from above and lands on my head. I just flipped shit and started swatting. I didn't even see it, but I ticked it. I couldn't tell how big it was, but from the buzzing it made, it sounded friggin' big.

It flew away and I don't know where it is and it's not buzzing.

Let me tell you something, giant bug: FUCK YOU! You almost made me crap the bed! You better not come back! You will feel my wrath*!

Oh, and I did your sister last night. So...yeah.



*unless you look threatening

Movie Musicals

I've got a few problems with movie musicals (obviously, or you wouldn't be reading this right now). Specifically movie musicals. The musicals I've seen performed live on stage have been, for the most part, extremely well-assembled and highly awesome.

Which segue's me nicely to my first beef: they're uncomfortably fake. "Well, no duh, they're fake," I hear you saying, and I get that. But movie musicals are what I'll call "fake squared". That's right, "Fake" with a little number 2 on the upper right.

Let me explain. When you see a musical on stage the plot is fake, but the performances are the real deal. The actors are carrying on with ridiculous shit that would never happen in real life (more on that later), but the beads of sweat trickling down their faces after the big number are real. Stage musicals are basically the equivalent of the High School Musical director showing up on Day 1 of shooting and telling everyone "I'm'a keep this camera rolling for 2 hours and that's all. One take. Whatever you do is going to theatres, so make it good."

Movie musicals, on the other hand, are fake shit upon more fake shit upon even more fake shit. The plot is fake, but that's normal for most movies. The behaviour is fake, by which I mean rival street gangs DO NOT fucking sing to each other and rumble in meticulously choreographed dance moves. And strike three is that the whole thing is filmed in parts and edited together. More fakery. A performer fucks everything up and you can just yell "Cut!" Pshaw to that!!!

And why are people in musicals always so dangerously happy about everything? Everyone's springing out of bed all doe-eyed and Ritalined up, throwing upper story windows wide open, and busting into song about sunshine and confectionary items. Good for you. You've succeeded once again in waking up. Now put on some damn coffee for Christ's sake. Some of us need it.

The worst part of a movie musical is when an actor sings the first line of a song. Because all that means to me is, "We were here just a second ago with conversation between characters that perhaps you were at least minutely interested in. Now please enjoy 3-4 minutes of crap that does absolutely fuck-all to advance the plot!"
When the singing starts, so does the sighing.

Lastly, there are way too many shaggy-haired prettyboys and overly made-up robo-bitches in anything made in the last decade. I'm looking at you, Disney.

Please, there is music and there are movies. Pick one and stick with it. No more of this "you got movie in my music, you got music in my movie" shit.

Finally getting caught up with The Office...

...after weeks of watching religiously and despite being WAY behind the times, coming in to work at 9am after a 2 hour commute, busting ass all day, staying late, kicking back with Season 5 Episode 1 where Jim finally proposes to Pam and then searching out Episode 2 only to find out it's been removed due to COCKSUCKING VIOLATION OF TERMS OF AGREEMENT AND NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND OUT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!!! AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH! FUCK!

T-Shirts from Fundraisers

T-Shirts given out at fundraising events are a gigantic waste of cloth as far as I'm concerned. Who actually wears these things? When someone hands you one of these shirts they're not saying "Thanks for your support! Here's a little something to show our appreciation!"

What they're really saying is, "Have a nice trip to the Salvation Army!"

Because that's where all of these shirts inevitably end up. Don't believe me? Go to your local Salvation Army store or thrift shop and have a look at the t-shirt section. 95 percent of the shirts in there say "Becel Ride for Heart 1997!" on them with a bunch of insurance company logos printed underneath. If "Breast Cancer Awareness Month" didn't exist, the t-shirt section at thrift stores would be about 8-12 hangers on a doorknob.

And if the t-shirts don't end up a a thrift store? Well, there's always room for them to become sleeping gear, exercise gear, or for the truly daring, a wank rag. Could Planned Parenthood logically disapprove of people jizzing into their t-shirts?

The only people I ever see wearing fundraiser t-shirts in public are people who also wearing a fanny pack and shorts that are riding way too high. They all go to the supermarket specifically to "hang out" on the bench by the door and chat with you about their elderly parents' health problems. Creepy.

Do we really need to keep printing these eyesores?

TLC

What happened to you, man? You've changed.

I still remember the first time my family got cable. I'd imagine most kids would. When you're a kid, cable is the holy grail of your world. It's the sole reason you were put on this earth. Once you've achieved "cable status" there's really nothing else to look forward to for the rest of your life. Kind of depressing, really.

Anyway, I was about 10 years old when we first got cable and it was magical. Channel after channel! Show after show! Anything you wanted was on cable!

I was a nerdy kid (hell, I'm a nerdy adult) so I was totally psyched for TLC - The Learning Channel! My ongoing thirst for knowledge could now be quenched with just the push of a button! Oh, the things I would learn now that we had cable! And oh, how I did learn things!

....

So why am I now turning on TLC, no longer "The Learning Channel", to see a family of dickheads with way too many children, Jon & Kate Plus Who Gives a Fuck*, midgets, weddings, babies, and idiots winning money in cabs? FUCK!

A quest for knowledge has been trumped by low budget programming that I can't imagine anyone except fat redneck women would give two shits about. It's scary to think that people must actually be watching this crap. It wouldn't stay on the air otherwise. Something's seriously wrong.

We oughtta add a "D" to the end of this channel. TLCD: The Lowest Common Denominator.

God, people are boring.



*stolen from You Just Made My List!

"Air Fresheners"

Jesus. To the wonderful people working hard at Glade and other "scent-oriented" companies, I'm asking you: please knock it off!

I realize that you are exposed to scents all day long so perhaps your sense of smell has grown a little dull, much in the same way that listening to loud music all day would damage your hearing. Perhaps you don't realize that the rest of us still have a fairly sharp sense of smell. Perhaps you don't realize that I, like many others, can't stand to breathe in 500 acres of lilac bushes conveniently compressed into a small, handheld canister.

What I'm trying to say is, YOUR SHIT IS TOO STRONG! I'm here using YOUR shit to cover up the stench of MY shit and afterwards I'm left begging for the smell of MY shit because YOUR shit smells like shit. SHIT!

Whatever happened to "hints of things"? Hint of lilac, hint of seabreeze, hint of apple...
I feel like somebody's loading up a bazooka with a bushel of apples and firing it point blank right at my head.

Oh, and your ads with smiling soccer moms flinging open wide windows isn't helping.

Something smells funny in here and I don't think Glade has a label on it...

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!....(ahem)...The British Government

As I was saying, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

I've known that Britain was a big surveillance state, but this crosses the fucking line.

I urge you to read the link and look into it more, but if you're too lazy to even do that, here's a paragraph that sums it up:

According to the report, the government will use the cameras to make sure the kids are doing their homework and going to bed on time. They will engage in 'behavioural contracts' with the parents and ensure certain duties are met.

IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE?! Hold on...calendar check.

Nope, it really is August, not April. I can't believe I'm reading this! Do I need to fucking say it again? Government, politicians, dipshits:

STAY....(are you with me?)...OUT....(still there?)... OF PEOPLES' FUCKING LIVES!

I'm really get fed up with all these governments that feel the need to intervene into and have complete control over every aspect of everyone's life. The government does not own us (them) and they have no right to do this. It's downright sickening. What kind of evil, drivel-brained assdicks dreamed up this idea in the first place? I'd surely love to pound their fucking skulls in with a baseball bat until their brains are all over the sidewalk. Maybe if I can speak directly to their splattered grey matter instead of trying to get through their thick-ass heads, they'll GET A GOD DAMN CLUE.*

But wait a second. If I have nothing to hide, why should I be worrying?

Can you stop with this absolute bullshit question? Every fucking time a privacy issue is raised I hear this. Fine. If you're that fucking dense, be my guest. Give up every last right you currently have. Please forward me your banking information, your complete internet history, which puppet candidate you voted for in the last election, and several nude photographs of yourself from all angles.

Don't you see? Everyone has something to hide. But oh, I'm just a random guy. Not government officials who are doing things in your best interest. Why would you disclose anything to me? The government(s) are corrupt. They don't give a fuck about you. They do give a fuck about having complete control over you however. We need to stop giving up our rights left, right, and centre.

Nobody needs these corrupt, greedy, power-hungry, shit-for-brains, dickweed cocksuckers making sure they're raising their children to set guidelines. Again, the government does not own you or your family. The fact that I even have to rant about this happening is abhorrent.

Oh and...(insert obligatory Nineteen Eighty-Four reference or comparison).


*I don't condone or support physical violence. Just trying to get my point across. Uh...I hope you're all writing those stern letters...