Jimi Hendrix Energy Drink

OK, look, I'm not going to get all worked up about this. I'm not going to go around shrieking "How dare you use Jimi's legacy to sell stupid crap to people?! He wasn't about that, man!" I'm not going to become one of those people that thinks they know what a dead celebrity would have wanted. Hell, maybe if Jimi were alive today he'd be all for his own energy drink. I don't know and neither does anyone else. I'm well aware that Jimi's likeness and legacy has been used to sell other stuff. This is not the first time this has happened so getting overly worked up is just kind of pointless.

But after all that is said, I just think it's a stupid idea. Apparently this is old news, but I just heard about it today. It's just dumb. How does Hendrix have anything to do with caffeinated beverages? It doesn't make any sense. If you must use Hendrix to sell something, why not make a product that actually relates to him? Put his face on a guitar or a headband or tabs of acid.

Beverages? I don't know, I guess you could put his picture on bottles of liquor. But you'd have to sell them with little baggies of barbiturates attached to the neck to really get the point across. An energy drink...I mean, you might as well sell Janis Joplin's Long Distance Savings. I just don't see any correlation between the two.

Why do we need more energy drinks anyway? Energy drinks are garbage and there are too many of them as it is. I never choose energy drinks for the pep, always just the flavour. They don't even work. At least not for me. Maybe they work for some people, but I'm willing to bet that a lot of the people who think they work are just experiencing a placebo affect. I mean, I've gulped down energy drinks and then gone to bed 20 minutes later. For me, I enjoy the taste, but I'm not about to claim that they're giving me a boost.

I like Hendrix as much as the next guy but I'm not going to run out and buy a drink just because his picture is on it. I'd rather spend years learning to play the guitar until I was better than Jimi ever was. Then I'd get my own god dammed energy drink. And on launch day I'd exclaim "Ha! You fucking morons! You'd all drink my piss if I sold it to you in a can, wouldn't you?" People will buy anything.

Yeah, Jimi's picture will be used to sell other stupid crap in the future. I'm not going to throw a hissy fit every time this happens. I just want you to know in advance that I think it's fucking nonsense.

Discovery Channel's "I Love the World" Commercial

I don't know if it's necessarily the commercial that irritates me. I think it's more peoples' reactions to this commercial. The first time I saw this commercial I kind of had that, "Aaah...I see what they're trying to do here." vibe come over me. I can see through Discovery's crap.

But the problem was that I saw what they were getting at but I couldn't seem to accurately and completely describe it in words. Until tonight. I was going through the comments on this video thinking "I have to find something that will help me put my finger on what this is." Then I came across Greenlightgo31's comment and it all fell into place.



Bingo. The fact is, a lot of times I seem to miss out on "feel-good" emotions that the media is trying to convey because I've seen it done before. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but sometimes I think I'm too smart for my own good and I look at these things from a psychological standpoint. Believe me, sometimes I'd love to get caught up in the hype because apparently this stuff is feel-good. I like feeling good. But I always seem to watch these things and make mental notes to myself regarding why they make people feel good instead of simply feeling good. And when it's over I'm just left with, "Okay...I get it. Kind of cheesy."

Let me break down "I Love the World."

1)The feeling I get from this commercial is that it's trying to push a sense of oneness. It wants viewers to see beyond their own point of view and see "the giant community that is earth." Each scene it cuts to is completely different yet all of it is happening on this one planet. Each person sings a different line of the song. Again, oneness. Each person in a different part of the world in a different situation collectively singing the same song.

There is diversity. People from all walks of life. You've even got the African tribe in there. Culture, diversity, we are all one, we are all sharing this awesome planet. People feel good about that shit.

2)The song itself is feel-good. It uses a feel-good chord progression. It uses the same chord progression of endless sappy love songs from the '50s and early '60s. I really don't have to desire to start thinking of examples because that's not the point of this, but Earth Angel comes to mind. Those songs made people feel good and they still do.

A wide variety of different types of singing are used. You've go some people shouting their lines to you, you've got some people quietly singing their lines to themselves, you've got hoarse voices, you've got "Egyptian kings" woman's soft, sweet voice. You've got people who can't really sing, you've got people who can, you've got a couple "walkie talkie" voices. Everyone's different, yet we're all the same. Feel-good.

It all comes together with this sense of oneness and a feel good song. Everyone chanting the song at the end. We're finally all together and "The World is Just Awesome." We feel good.

I can't really blame Discovery Channel. They obviously put a lot of work into the ad and it looks good and sounds good and overall it's just done well. I just get kind of irritated when people melt over it.

I don't know, maybe I'm just a bitter fuck who has a problem with people feeling good. I should probably lighten up and stop overthinking things. Yeah, that's likely it.

I'm still right though. And Earth Angel makes me weep every time.

Ticket Snubs

See what I did there in the title? Notice how I made today's topic a play on the term "ticket stub"? My own cleverness frightens me sometimes.

I'll start by explaining exactly what a ticket snub is. You ever hear of a performer coming to your town and think "All right! I gotta get tickets for this!"? So you ask a bunch of friends if they'd like to go and you end up with a list of people. You order the 5 tickets and all is groovy. And then fuckin' three days before the show you're getting pumped about it with everyone who's going and there's always the one asshole friend who chimes in with "Aaaaawww, shit man. Kayla's having a party that night and I told her I'd be there."

Fucking perfect. What am I supposed to do now? I'm not one to scalp. And I know I'm not going to get money for the unused ticket from my friend because a)he's constantly broke b)he's an asshole c)I'm too much of a fucking pushover.

I don't understand why some people think it's OK to accept an invitation and then blow it off when something better comes along. It's like the two childhood birthday parties that fall on the same day. Everyone wants to go to the rich kid's party because he's going to have a bouncing castle. Nobody wants to come to my party and have a piece of the scrumptious chocolate cake my mom made. My party's not crappy, the rich kid's party is just a little better, is all.

The worst kind of ticket snub is when the god damn performer snubs you. One time I had tickets to see one of my "fave bands EVAR!!!" Granted, 50% of the band was and is now dead because I listen to old-people bands, but I was still super-pumped. Then at the last minute they fucking cancelled the show. I had been waiting 3 years for them to come back to my hometown because I had missed them the last time and they cancel on me. I lay in bed for a week straight, starving myself as my whiskers grew.

The whole inspiration for this topic is, you guessed it, another asshole ticket snubbing me. I don't want anyone to think that I'm all complain and no solution though. I have ideas for shit, believe me. And so I've some up with a brief but handy guide for you to use in the event that you get ticket snubbed. No longer will your spare tickets go unused!

1) Put some tobacco on top of your ticket and roll it into a nice cigar. Damn, Alicia Keys really goes down smooth! It's no Partagas, but it's not horrible either. And for you "law abiding citizens" who go to big hippie music festivals, why not add a dash of herb? Wouldn't it be fun to smoke the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Or if smoking card is not your thing, at least save the ticket for roaches. Please use discretion though. I don't recommend this type of thing for Yo-Yo Ma concerts of presidential inaugurations.

2) If you're unlucky enough to end up with two unused tickets (my sympathies, you poor bastard), play Poohsticks. On a nice day take one of your friends who isn't an ass to a bridge with a creek flowing underneath and fire both tickets in together. Whichever ticket flows out the other side of the bridge first is the winner. You might need a spotter under the bridge though because with two identical tickets you might start throwing down when you can't figure out who won. It's not much, but it's slightly more fun than putting the tickets away in a drawer or throwing them in the trash.

3) Last but not least, my personal favourite. Kidnap the ticket snub in the night, tie him up, and take him to an empty, dimly-lit warehouse. Proceed to use the ticket to administer a nice papercut every 30 seconds on random areas of his body until he agrees to pay up or bleeds to death. Sounds cruel, I know, but hey, if the ticket was in his possession he probably wouldn't be receiving cuts from it.

Those are just a few ideas. I'm sure your creative mind can come up with some other delightful things. And finally, to anyone who has ever ticket snubbed me, I know exactly who you are, what the show was, and how much you owe me. I keep your name on a list beside my bed and curse silently to myself as I stare at it each night. And one day I will come to get you. One day I will walk up to your front door, rap gently 3-4 times and then ask politely if I can please have my money now. You won't know when but I will be there. And you won't like it. Mark my words.

Restaurant Birthday Songs

No joke, every single time I go to a restaurant I'm forced to sit through this horsecrap. There's always someone having a birthday and for 30 seconds my meal is interrupted by clapping and annoying singing.

This wouldn't be such an issue if this was one restaurant's way of celebrating. In fact it would be quite the novelty. But the fact is that every god damn mid-priced restaurant does the same thing. Kelsey's, Shoeless Joe's, Montana's, Swiss Chalet...
They all bring out 4 or 5 employees and start the clapping. Always with the fucking clapping. It's not original, just stop it.

If I owned a chain of restaurants I would make it mandatory to have one gigantic, fat-ass motherfucker to come out wailing on a tuba. That would be the most awesome thing ever. No more of this nervous glancing around when the clappies come out. People would be too busy laughing their asses off. Better yet, put Gigantor in a penguin costume. Then he can't play any notes you say? Fuck it. Just have him come out honking on the thing. What are you going to play on a tuba anyway?

Tell me that's not the greatest idea you've ever heard. Birthdays would be a laugh-riot at my fucking restaurant. No more employees ducking into the bathroom when the boss comes around to assemble a crappy-clappy birthday quartet. Everyone in the restaurant would be like "Oh man, Lenny's going out to blast a song? I gotta fuckin' see this!" God bless Lenny's fat penguin ass and kudos to him for being such a good sport.

But until I open my totally awesome restaurant I guess you're just going to have to live with,

"(clap, clap, clap, clap)
I don't know, but I've been told,
Someone here is getting old.
I see age spots from head to toe,
Birthday greets from Shoeless Joes!
Woooooooo!!!"

And yeah, I just wrote that wrote that now. You can use it if you want, but it sucks. Finally, if you really must do one of these stupid birthday songs, at least fake a little enthusiasm. Not like the morons in the video above who are pretty much back in the kitchen before the song is over. Sheesh.

Co-workers Who Seem to Think Being at Work is Optional

I don't understand the logic. Maybe it's because we work a fairly low-maintenance job. They think being there for a shift is unnecessary. I got a call from a co-worker tonight saying he got tied up with some stuff and wouldn't be in.

Hello? I believe you accepted a job. Not an "I'll show if it doesn't interfere with my other plans" gig. Another person I work with has left 3 hours early the past two Saturdays to go visit her father in the hospital because visiting hours end at 8pm. Again, hello? I'm sorry your dad is in the hospital but you're supposed to be working a job. You find time to visit him when you're not supposed to be at work. That's fundamentally how a job works. She would routinely leave early in the winter if the weather got bad outside because she had to drive a while to get home. I've got news. I drive an hour to get home from work and I'm always there to the end of my shift.

It's a boring job sometimes, but you're being paid to do it. You base your plans on when you have to work, you don't base when you work on what your plans are. I feel paranoid leaving a half-hour early on the rare occasions that I do it, hoping my boss won't show up 10 minutes after I've left and see I'm not there. A half hour (or less) is different than 3 hours though and everything that needs to be done is done before I leave.

Fuck 'em though. If they get caught and their ass gets canned they brought it on themselves. I'm not picking up any slack for them. It's just the principle that gets to me. Work is work. It's not optional. If work ruins your plans you show up and bitch about it like everyone else. You might be in a bad mood but, hey, at least you can say you're responsible.

Obama Snubbing Marijuana Users

Before I get into the topic I had planned for tonight (slacking co-workers), I'd like to make a brief GTFOMO mention to Obama's handling of the marijuana legalization issue at today's online town hall meeting. I'm a bit hesitant because I did Prohibition recently and I don't want to turn my website into a regular commentary on the world of marijuana. However, this goes on the list because it's fairly big in the news today and it's not fair to treat the thousands of responsible, adult marijuana users of America who have serious questions about legalization in such a dismissive and joking manner.

The issue is not that he said no, he doesn't think legalization will help the economy. It's the fact that it really wasn't even treated as a serious question when it most certainly is. If he thinks legalization is not good, then fine, but the least he could have done was elaborate on why not and given the question the same respect he gave the others.

The good thing is, I'm not the only person upset about this. The internet has exploded with people commenting on the incident and most of them are saying what he did was wrong. It has gotten people talking and the more this is out there, the less he can simply shrug it off. If enough people are behind this supporting it, Obama will have to address the issue seriously.

I'm just sick of people thinking that everyone who uses marijuana
-is fat and lazy, no ambition
-is stoned all the time
-is hippy-dippy
-eats a bunch of crap, talks slow, and says "man" a lot
-can't remember anything

Look out your window and take note of the first 10 people you see. There you go, that's your average marijuana user. Notice how they're not all clueless hippies. It's time they were treated with a little respect.

1050 CHUM

Godspeed, old friend.

A few years ago in college I heard some murmurings of 1050 CHUM dropping their oldies format and broadcasting CP24 material. Today I finally received the news that it has. This is bullshit.

The CityPulse stuff officially launched this morning which put an end to the oldies radio station I have known my whole life, aside from a brief stint as a sports-talk station, which was also bullshit.

I tuned in when I read the news to see if it was true and sure enough, it was. I listened for a bit while slowly becoming irate because my internet wasn't fucking working properly. This happens quite frequently at home. My bullshit dial-up internet becomes unresponsive on a regular basis and I can't fucking figure out why. It should go on my list. But it won't. At least not yet. Because nobody wants to read about my internet and I have no desire to write about it.

Back to CP24/CHUM. I ended up super-pissed and this AM station was on and it sounded like a modem because of the reception. What? Oh...silly me. That screeching sound that you used to get when you logged onto the internet in 1997. Back when I wasn't the only asshole in the world with dial-up internet.

Now back to CP24/CHUM. I was pissed, my internet wasn't working, and I was listening to some bitch talking over an annoying screeching sound. And then the breaking point came when I heard some lady say "I'm just on Twitter all the time!" Fuck Shitter and fuck that woman. I flew into a rage and clubbed my radio and my car. And then I calmed down and wondered to myself...why the car?

Honestly, the whole time I was listening it was just technical problem after miscommunication after technical problem. But I'm a nice, reasonable guy (obviously) so I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. I know how radio works and yes, there will be some problems on the first day.

I'm really just kind of saddened because they switched formats because nobody was listening to the oldies stuff (this is what they say). But who the fuck wants to listen to CityPulse shit on AM radio? I picture skinny conspiracy theorists in their late 30s in their empty apartments where they live alone....no wait. You ever see the movie Pi? That's the guy who listens to CP24 on AM radio. People that are probably really, really smart but mentally disturbed. Those with severe social flaws.

This is just one more station that is no longer paying royalties to ancient rock and roll stars. How the fuck are Gerry and the Pacemakers going to make it through retirement!? Didn't think of that, now did you, 1050?

Lipstick On the Office Mugs

I'm not a germophobe, but GROOOOSSSSS!!! To begin with, my work's dishwasher isn't exactly top of the line. I routinely grab a mug from the cupboard to get a nice, hearty sip of H2O and have often looked inside to see a bunch of crap coating the inside. You know when you finish a mug of hot chocolate and there's like a brown, foamy, coating that's left behind inside the mug? I've often found "clean" mugs in the cupboard with that shit in them, only dried.

So finding a clean mug can be a challenge sometimes. And then there are the times I go to the cupboard, grab a mug, and look inside to see that it is nice and (actually) clean. But there's a big, fat lipstick print on the rim!!!

In a worst-case scenario, like only one mug left in the whole cupboard, I'll tough it out and drink from the side of the mug directly across from the handle. It still kind of gives you the heebie-jeebies though.

To me it's like kissing one of your co-workers with a blindfold on and never knowing which one you kissed. No disrespect to my coworkers, but let's be honest. There are some that I really wouldn't want to kiss. On the other hand there are a few who, if they gave me a peck, I might ask for a little dessert.

But it's really a game of Russian Roulette and in my case I'd say about 6 chambers have bullets in them and 2 are empty. I just can't take the chance. A few of my co-workers are seriously good looking and others are kind of office-hot, but let's just say I'd like to leave the majority to my father.

The lipstick on the office mugs is frankly just a downer. Sort of one of those "If I were eating something right now, my appetite would be history." things. However, I couldn't find ANY mugs tonight so I walked around the office sipping water from a wine glass, swishing it around like I was bursting with sophistication. If I was wearing a tuxedo at the time I probably would have been inspired to quit my job and become a lounge singer.

And if you're wondering why my work is stocked with wine glasses but no mugs, well, we're just loaded all the fucking time.

3 Songs That Are Completely Worn Out

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate Rush or AC/DC. There are things about both bands that I'm not such a big fan of, but overall they are both listenable bands. Granted, I usually go look for something else on the radio if they come on. If there's nothing good on though I'll come back to them.

EXCEPT with the following three songs. When I hear the opening notes to these songs I'm all over the next presets like lightning. Which kind of disappoints me because I used to really like all of these songs. I've just heard them so many god damn times that they truly get on my nerves.

Thunderstruck and Back in Black

Two of the most fucking overplayed songs ever. These are actually songs that are not necessarily overplayed now, but they were several years ago and I still have the aftertaste in my mouth to this day. Thunderstruck and Back in Black started getting old right around the SARS concert of '03 in Toronto. Apparently I'm the only person in Toronto who didn't go to this thing, but in the months following it literally everyone I knew had become an AC/DC fan.

Even people who I knew didn't listen to rock were suddenly AC/DC-crazy. Every crappy guitarist I knew had to try to play the Thunderstruck riff to try to impress their scrawny, beanie-wearing, skateboarding friends. Because they too were fans. Everyone had and AC/DC CD with them and everyone could name their favourite song. It was never For Those About to Rock or Big Balls, just for the record

And so nobody could shut the fuck up about AC/DC and the radio stations wouldn't stop playing every version of Thunderstruck and Back in Black they could find. And soon enough, these two songs I used to love became really, really annoying really really fast.

Now I hear them and bad memories come rushing back. I hear them and think to myself "Ugh! Wasn't anyone around in '03-'04? How can there still be people who don't think this song has completely exhausted itself?"

Thunderstruck is for drunks. These kind of "Fackin' roit!" people that like to chant in a big crowd like they're at some sort of ritual sacrifice. Clearly they're reincarnates of Roman Colosseum spectators. Bunch of savages in this town.

YYZ

I'm so god damn sick of this song. For two reasons. First, my brother plays drums and is a big Rush fan. I've heard "ding d-ding ding, ding d-ding ding ding ding, d-d-" so many times the simple melody haunts my dreams nightly. Second, Q107 has recently taken quite a liking to this song. I don't know why exactly. I seem to hear either the original or some live version at least once a day. On the radio. And then I get home and my brother plays it another god damn fifty times.

I feel kind of bad because YYZ is a really creative song, not like the 3 songs AC/DC seems to rewrite every few years (yeah, I told you there were things about them I don't like). Creative songs should be praised, but I'm always so busy changing the station that praising it seems to slip my mind. I've just heard it way too much

Although, I guess it could be worse. The world could suddenly become completely obsessed with Barbra Streisand tomorrow. Christ, if that happened you would find me dead at the bottom of a tall bridge before day's end.

Leprechauns and Money-Grabbers

I present you with a double shot today because even though today's people are dumb as a box of hammers, I just don't feel like going into elaborate rants on them.

First we have some people who have been in the news in the past couple of days: the Money-Grabbers!


Look, I understand that people like money and a lot need it especially in these challenging economic times*. But this is the behaviour of a person with sub-par intelligence and shouldn't be tolerated.

What kind of a moron pulls over on the highway and darts out into the road to collect money like they're on a crappy game show? Better yet, what kind of a moron doesn't even pull over to the side of the road before getting out to astound others with her intellect?

These fat dumbasses skip and frolic all over the road smiling from ear to ear and meanwhile the people who actually have a little bit of common sense launch obscenities at them for holding up the flow of traffic. I tell you, if I was being slowed down like that and then got to the front only to see that it was because of people like this, there would be tires squealing and an engine revving and at least two or three screaming people flying 15 feet into the air. God damn idiots.

This next one is three years old, but I only just saw it yesterday. Which surprises me because I'm usually pretty up to date on most viral videos. But bear with me because hot shit! We've got ourselves a fucking leprechaun living in Alabama!



Don't these people just want to make you puke? Granted, I'm sure some are just playing along and having fun, but clearly there are people taking this seriously. Yes, I'm sure there are several hundred retarded looking leprechauns with no mouths living all over Alabama. This is just the first of many. Keep trying to spot him, I assure you he's there!

Let's think about this. The leprechaun only comes out at night and you can't see it if you shine light on it. Is it any surprise that one of these crackheads thought they saw a leprechaun in a tree?

This isn't even news. It's a bunch of idiots chasing after fairies. While we're at it, why don't we just launch a full blown search for giants and trolls and dragons and motherfucking Thumbelina. I know the asshole in the bullet-proof vest is up for it. Seriously, buddy, camouflage and a bullet-proof vest? It's a friggin' elf, not a 300-pound crazed terrorist. Nice dwarf flute though. You are truly an asset to this investigation.

And the leprechaun does not have any gold under the tree for fuck's sake. He took it all to San Diego, got some money for it, and then threw it all over the road when the cops gave chase. Those assholes in Mobile totally narced on him.


*There is a possibility that I'll write about this stupid, over-used and worn out expression in the future.

Twitter

Honestly, I think the biggest thing that's really pissing me off about Twitter is that nobody can SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT. I have other issues with it which I may choose to elaborate on later, but mainly I just want people to enjoy their stupid Twitter in their own homes or offices or on their phone and I don't want to hear about it every 5 minutes.

It was the same thing 2 or 3 years ago with Facebook. This was when I was in college and at this point I can barely even remember what I went to college for, but I still remember in great detail the endless drone of Facebook talk.

"Are you on Facebook? I'm on Facebook. Why don't you get a Facebook? Facebook is awesome. Facebook is so facebooking awesome that I took a picture of Facebook's home page and posted it on my Facebook. That way anyone who comes to my Facebook will see how much I love Facebook and how facebooking awesome Facebook is.
....I can't wait for Twitter to become topical."

I know Facebook is still pretty damn huge, but the difference is now I live far from people in a cave because I hate everyone who has ever lived...ever. So I don't hear about it as much as I used to, thus it doesn't get on my nerves.

But Twitter is now like Facebook was 3 years ago. Nobody will leave it the fuck alone. It's splattered all over the media like a cyber-beer-shit. "Join the news! We're now on Twitter! Join Discovery Channel! We're now on Twitter! Join me, the Pajamagram Asshole! I'm now on Twitter! And so are Pajamagrams!"

To me it seems like we've got a bunch of children running around calling themselves adults and actually believing they are. Everyone wants the latest toy to show off. Things were working just fine before Twitter and now everyone has to have one. Johnny had fun playing with his G.I. Joe set with all his friends until Max from across the street got a Power Man. Now it's "Fuck you, G.I. Joe!" and everyone's running around with Power Men. And G.I. Joe slinks off and develops a drinking problem because he had the world and it was all taken away and he didn't even do anything wrong. People are just stupid.

It's the same thing with cell phones, and iPods, and BlackBerrys, and penis piercings. Nobody needs one, they just want a toy to walk around and play with.

Before Facebook it was Myspace. Going back to high school here. Everybody had to have a damn Myspace except me. And then I finally got one to share my music with people who might like to hear it. I signed up and looked around and it was a God damn ghost town. Everyone had moved to Facebook.

Being on Myspace is almost laughable now. People ask if I'm on Facebook and I say "No, but I have a Myspace that I never visit and never really did." And they cock their head to the side as if to say, "Myspace? Is that something online? Never heard of it." Cool people are on Facebook. Myspace is now for old people, underdeveloped nations, and creepy people who took it way too seriously when it was at the height of popularity, formed an unhealthy obsession, and who are still on it for most of the day.

But here we are, and I'm stuck with hearing endless comments about Twitter. And I mean, for something to become so huge they could have at least come up with a better name. "Crack" would have been great. This entry would not exist because I'd be too busy laughing at everyone proudly declaring they're on Crack and asking others if they're on Crack. It would also be easier to explain to a curious child why the adults have completely fucked up the planet in the way we have.

Twitter sounds too much like Shitter. And tweeting? Lame. We're all gay little bluebirds flying around chirping at each other now. People, stop wasting your time with pointless bullshit and focus on what's actually important: getting the fuck outta my office frequently.

Horatio Caine

If you have recently been watching television and decided that your normal schedule has been lacking 44-minute-long crime dramas, please consider the following in your quest to fill that void.

The lead character, Horatio Caine, in CSI: Miami is a huge tool and you will be subject to his toolery for a generous amount of time each time you watch.

I don't watch CSI: Miami for this reason among others. I like to avoid it if it's not completely necessary that I watch, which is pretty much always. I know people who are fans of the show though, so I've seen my share of Horatio Caine.

Let's start with the fact that Caine is probably the most smug asshole I know. The only comfort I take in this is the knowledge that he isn't real. But he struts around every crime scene like he's cock of the walk. Like he's coooool as a fucking cucumber.

He's always got this "I'm just too damn cool to show any semblance of the emotion of surprise" vibe going on. He seems to act like he's seen every crime thousands of times before and nothing phases him anymore. That alarms me because I saw one episode where a guy got beheaded and if this is something that investigators are getting used to, we've got a serious problem with the way our society is headed. I don't like knowing that one investigator in one city is getting used to seeing this shit, let alone having it become a nation-wide trend.

Next, he doesn't look like a guy who looks at blood-soaked rooms on a regular basis. He's a skinny, pink-skinned, red-headed fuck. He seems more like a mild-mannered guy with a wife and two kids and a job title like "technical engineer." He doesn't look like he would command a whole lot of authority. I feel like he only has authority because the TV tells me so. I want Dennis Hopper to come along and make him cry. Dennis Hopper's so cool.

Finally, the damn glasses. I may have figured this out though. You see, I believe that many years ago, before Horatio was born, his mom met a man. This man was a warlock (though not malicious) walking the earth in the guise of a human. The two fell madly in love and she became pregnant with twins. However, three months into the pregnancy she revealed to him that she was no longer in love with him, threw him out of the house, and told him that she did not want to see him again.

This broke his heart and he flew into a rage, casting an evil spell on her unborn children. One child, Horatio Caine was born with nothing where his genitals should have been, but with small sexual organs hidden behind his ears. The other child was born Tim Geithner.

Horatio kept his secret concealed extremely well and aside from his wife, doctor, and a few exes, not many people know. Like any other person, though, Horatio has sexual needs that he needs to satisfy and to do this discreetly he rubs his ear clits with his glasses.

And that is precisely why Horatio's arms are in a constant state of either putting his glasses on or removing them. However he doesn't realize that although nobody really knows why he does this, they still find it completely fucking annoying. It makes him look like he has sensitive eyes that can never decide on whether or not a setting is too bright. It makes him look like his eyes can only be exposed to natural sunlight for a few minutes before a mammoth migraine sets in.

So there you have it. I have told you about Horatio Caine. Use this 100% completely true absolute factual information wisely when you decide on which crime show to watch. And if you're thinking, "Gee, that's a little one sided. It's almost like he doesn't want me to watch CSI: Miami and Horatio Caine." well, guilty as charged.

Alas, the choice is yours. But if you choose Horatio I will fucking send Dennis Hopper after you to make you cry.

Paul McCartney's "Let 'Em In"

Great balls of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what a horrid fucking song. Anyone who knows me is privy to the fact that I'm a huge, huge Beatles fan. And Paul McCartney had some good songs after they broke up. This, my friends, is NOT one of them.

How can I explain this the clearest? This song makes me want to commit suicide. If this song were something I could hold onto I would throw it into a barn fire. This song is like Satan got drunk and ate a shit ton of Taco Bell at 2 in the morning, woke up at 4:30, shit continuously for 45 minutes, flushed it down the toilet where it was carried down Hell's sewers and into a sewage-choked pond somewhere around the dead-heroin-using-punk-rocker section where it was picked up by some dead asshole A&R guy who put it into a record sleeve. Yes. This song is a massive satanic Taco Bell dump.

Jesus. The utter balls McCartney has to pull this crap on us. For a while I thought David Bowie's "China Girl" was possibly the most painfully boring song on Earth but, ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.

How do people like this shit? "Let 'Em In" reminds me of being stuck behind some ancient fuck going 20km below the speed limit on a narrow two-lane road at noon on a hot, sticky, summer's day. You've been stuck behind him for 10 minutes and finally you get an opportunity to pass. So you shoot ahead and look over to get a glimpse of this moron and he's driving with two hands on the wheel and a big smile on his face and he's wearing a beige fedora with a small galloping horse logo stitched into the side. AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHH!

I used to hear this song on a regular basis when I worked at a grocery store several years ago. The music there was always crap. It was always this lame soft-rock that was certain not to offend anyone, even the most Christian grandmothers. I had to put up with Hall and Oates, Celine Dion, and Five for Fighting. It was excruciating. The fact that this song was even on our dreadful playlist is proof already that zombies listen to it. And I don't want to have anything to do with zombies. They frighten me.

Mr. McCartney.....sir? You know I have the utmost respect for you.....but I'm a little bit concerned. Paul....? Are you high on drugs? You know I love you, I just don't want you to hurt yourself. I want to talk to you and help you help yourself.

With all due respect, the world is not ready for Luciferian diarrhea.

Me

For being such a damn lamewad every St. Patrick's Day. The picture above is not me but the level of dorkiness encapsulated within matches mine.

Let's start with green clothes. I never intentionally set out to wear green clothes. I don't go to bed with tomorrow's completely green outfit resting at the foot of my bed ready to be worn. Every year, though, I find myself standing at my closet scratching my head like an idiot thinking, "Well...I'll wear green today...I guess..."

I'm not sure anyone really wants to wear green, they just sort of feel obliged to. It's not even that you'd feel like an ass if you didn't wear green. It's not like showing up to a funeral and being the only one wearing Crocs and acid-washed jeans. I think most people just throw on green because it's the one day of the year everyone will be wearing the same colour, it's no sweat off their back, and what the hell, "I can participate without even really doing anything."

So I always end up wearing the green clothes and the second I put them on I just kind of feel like a douche. To me it just seems like a really hokey thing that people do and I've chosen to involve myself. I then spend the rest of the day walking around listening to peoples' comments about how I'm wearing green. And I have to pretend like I'm in the spirit and that I actually think about Irish people more than one day a year.

Next is Guinness. I enjoy a nice Guinness beer. I feel ashamed buying Guinness on St. Patrick's Day though simply because it's so goddamn cliche. I feel like an Irish poser. Guinness beer on St. Pat's is so unoriginal and every brain-dead frat kid since ever has bought it on this most holiest of days. Again, it just seems like one of those things that people feel obliged to do. And it's one of those, "What the hell, it's only one day a year, I might as well" things.

I'm stating now that I'm not Irish, I'm wearing green, and I have Guinness waiting for me at home. I'm probably going to listen to a bunch of Irish shit on the way home from work and yes, I feel like a fucking moron for it.

Does anyone get really excited for St. Patrick's Day? I kind of think of it like those crazy girlies that got all wet over the Beatles in their early days. One girl starts screaming and then the rest of them get caught up in it and it's out of control. A lot of girls were just screaming because everyone else was.

I think most people just get excited about St. Patrick's Day because they think everyone else is excited about it. But no one really is. One guy talks to another and acts pumped about St. Pat's because he thinks he's supposed to. The other guy sees this enthusiasm and thinks everyone else is excited and therefore he must be to. So he talks to another guy and though he's not truly excited, he acts like he is. And it goes on and on and pretty soon the whole country is excited about St. Patty's Day even though they're not.

St. Patrick's Day excitement is a myth and I'm a tool for buying into these stupid little traditions that aren't even mine. I don't feel too bad about it though because there's a good chance you are too, you green-wearing, Guinness-guzzling poser!

Oh, and the next person I see wearing something that says "Kiss me, I'm Irish" is getting knocked right in the fucking mouth.

Children in Toronto Who Plan to Spend Their March Break Playing Video Games

Parents, unplug those 360s and send your little terrors out into the yard to play! It's going to be a great next few days weather-wise and any kid who thinks it's a good idea to piss away their March Break playing Xbox is, let's face it, a fucking tool.

First of all, some children are too young to be playing video games. If they start playing too early they become desensitized to violence. Then when they become serial killers later in life, they don't appreciate the feeling of ecstasy that runs through you when you take another man's life. If video games are making people violent, that's fine. But I'd hate to think that somewhere a child is murdering someone and not feeling good about it because he played too much Counter-Strike.

Hell, I had to wait till I was 10 or 11 years old before I got my first video game system and Sonic the Hedgehog stole my soul. I'm pretty sure there are babies being born today with Wiis under their arms whose first words are, "Damn it, bitch! Nine fucking months with no TV to hook this shit up to?!?! You gotta be trippin'. Get the fuck outta my way, I gotta get Wii Fit!"

Children don't appreciate good weather enough. Probably because their whole life is a playground. Children don't have to deal with rear ending someone because of ice and having to go through all the stupid pointless crap that we adults have attached to it. The only thing children have to worry about is colouring pictures and crashing into breakable things. Weather is weather to them.

We need to sit these 5-year-olds down and decree, "No Nintendo! You get your ass outside and have fun! This is great weather and I order you to enjoy it! When I was your age it was always cold and I worked in a dirty factory 16 hours day before coming home to my dinner of hard-tack and hose water. Now stop fucking crying, go outside, and HAVE YOUR PANSY ASS SOME FUN!!!"

Or else...

Hangover Cure Reminders

Let me explain this. Every time a holiday comes around where people tend to drink more than usual the big internet guys have to bust out a bunch of hangover information. It's now 2 days away from St. Patty's Day and sure enough Yahoo! has put the usual up on their homepage (see above).

St. Patty's and New Years Eve. Those are the big ones. Without fail, two days before you will see a bunch of hangover crap all over the internet. What causes them and how to get rid of them. And hangover cure myths. All your favourite cures exposed!

Now, it's not that I have a problem with people drinking. I don't have a problem with hangovers (well, I do, but not in this context). I don't have a problem with people going a little overboard at a party. It's the repetitive information in these little "hangover guides" that everyone who's anyone should know.

Is anyone reading these hangover tips and learning something new? First of all, Yahoo! lists the symptoms of a hangover. Are there people out there who are drinking a pint of whiskey, going to bed, and then waking up shaking their heads saying, "The fuck is this shit, man?" If you don't know what a hangover is or what the symptoms are, perhaps you're not ready to be drinking in the first place.

After that it's the same old shit. Cold shower, aspirin, coffee, hair of the dog. Seriously, who hasn't heard of all of these hundreds of times? Tell me there aren't people out there who have been doing hair of the dog for 20 years. Tell me they aren't coming to Yahoo! and reading their little guide and saying "Well, I'll be damned. Hey, Darelene! Guess what. Yeah, turns out we've been doin' it wrong all these years! Hoo-hoooo!"

Take a fucking painkiller, go back to bed, sleep it off and be done with it. There are no secret voodoo remedies for you to indulge in. And to the big internet guys, stop reminding me of peoples' stupidity every single drink-iday (holidays meant for drinking). If folks need to reference your guides, they probably don't know enough about how drinking works and therefore should be left to pay the price and maybe learn a thing or two first-hand.

Smart drinkers don't need these guides. Please stop wasting space on the internet.

Stay tuned. There's a good chance of yelling at children tomorrow. Fuck yeah!

People Who Flaunt Their Ability to Roll "R"s

Every so often you'll be going down on your girl and she'll look down at you and ask, "Say, baby, you wouldn't know how to roll your "R"s by any chance, would you?" And you look up at her and say "No, sweetums, why do you ask?"
"No reason..."

But by then it's too late. You've gotten yourself stuck in the R Rolling Discussion. With two people maybe it's not so bad. One person can do it, one person can't, you have a chuckle, order a pizza, and call it a night.

The problem is when you have several people in the R Rolling Discussion together. Somehow it comes up when you're out with your buddies at the bar and pretty soon everyone has to know how many people at their table have the ability to roll their "R"s.

The room turns into a cesspool of purring and hissing (the people who can't do it, obviously). And out of this cesspool emerges our douchebag for the day. The guy who can't help taking this already annoying scenario and pushing it one step further.

The world apparently needs to know that this guy can roll his "R"s and he's damn good at it too. He'll be fluttering all over the room rolling his "R"s in peoples' faces, especially the ones who can't do it. He'll be trying to roll the loudest and the longest. He'll be singing songs with nothing but rolled "R"s for lyrics.

You just want to grab him, sit him down, point your finger threateningly at him, and say, "Look, we get it. You're versatile with the R rolling. Cool it, okay? Just chill the fuck out and we can all get on with our evening. There is no prize waiting in the back for you."

Fortunately the R Rolling Discussions don't normally last more than 30 seconds. Once you figure out who can do it, you tend to move on, being that it's not a very exciting topic. But still, I have lingering feelings of dislike for the guy just for thinking he's so awesome.

Maybe I'm cranky. Maybe I'm jealous. Or maybe I'm just sad that he got to read the coffee contest commercial instead of me. Curse you, Tim Hortons.

The Kelsey's Cheers Card

I went to Kelsey's tonight for dinner. I also give way too many people free advertising on here.

Now usually when I eat out at a restaurant I'm used to enjoying the meal and then having the waitress bring the bill along with a couple of candies for the road. Kelsey's is doing something a little different these days though because the last two times I've been there I've received the bill, the candies...and a small card that says "Cheers" on the front. On the inside is a thank you note and the waitress's signature.

Now I understand that they're trying to be a friendly restaurant that wants their customers to feel appreciated, but the Cheers card just seems to be a little overboard. I get the hint that they care (or are at least being told by management to pretend to care). They're constantly coming by my table asking me how everything is. They smile. They're friendly. I got it.

The card just seems like a waste. I'm not really sure if I'm supposed to take it home or not. It almost seems like a gift. You wouldn't get a birthday card from your grandfather and then throw it out at the same party. I feel like I'm being a bit rude leaving the Cheers card behind. I feel like the waitress will come back later in the night, see the card still on the table, and feel heartbroken that I didn't like the gift she gave me.

But what am I going to do with it if I take it? It doesn't have enough sentimental meaning to keep around like the card from my grandfather. I'm not going to go home and keep it on the mantle for a couple of weeks. What most people would do is throw it into the trash. Outside the restaurant just in case our well-meaning waitress should happen to be watching. Wouldn't want her to cry.

Either way it's going to end up in the trash pretty damn quick. If I take it, I throw it out. If I leave it, they throw it out. And they give away several of these cards every night. I'm not usually a waste-not, want-not kind of guy, but this is just unnecessary. I don't like the thought of how much paper is being processed and then thrown directly into the trash.

Honestly, Kelsey's, a simple thank you and a smile will do at the end of the night. Really.

Calendars That Start On Monday

Good news, folks! Sometimes limited free time and creative juices make you say, "Fuck it." I missed yesterday so today I'm giving you a double shot of rant! Check back later on for another update!

Now on to...calendars that start on Monday. Makes you shudder, don't it? Perhaps you're lost. What is a calendar that starts on Monday? Well, my inquisitive friend, let me explain.

A normal person's calendar runs:
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday

However, somewhere along the line some yuppie (I'm only guessing, but it had to have been) figured working people might find his work-week-based calendar more helpful:
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday

It is not helpful. Not to me, at least. My whole life I grew up with Sunday leading the charge. Sunday was the start of the week. Sure it was part of the weekend, but everyone kind of silently agreed that Sunday was the first day of the week.

And then suddenly I'm an adult with a job and I have to start working with calendars where my friend has been relocated? Balls! It just throws everything off and makes things more confusing.

When I look at a calendar, I'm not looking at the days of the week, I'm looking at the dates. The days of the week are in my head. Monday is second from left, Wednesday is spot on in the middle, Saturday is second from right, etc.

And then Calendar 2.0 comes along and THURSDAY IS NOW IN THE MIDDLE?! MADNESS! And then I have to spend my time lining up days and dates with my finger because my primitive brain can't cope with this earth-shattering change.

Seriously, is there anyone who finds the Monday calendar more user-friendly than the Sunday? Sunday is the first day of the week and has been ever since I can remember. When you make Monday the first day of the week, well, now you're just playing God and I worry about the repercussions of doing so.

Mr. Lube

For being such a goddamn rip off. I took my truck there for an oil change today and now I have $12 in my bank account. My truck has problems and now I can't afford to fix them. This is bullshit. I can't be bothered to complain at length about this.

Fuck Mr. Lube, fuck the assholes that work there, and fuck my finncial situation. Oh and fuck their shitty little Lube Club or whatever it is that I'm somehow a member of. Did I drive to Mr. Lube blind drunk one night and sign up for their club? Not that I can recall. But somehow I'm a part of their Lube Club. Who the hell wants to be part of a lube club besides twisted sexual deviants?

Fuck my life.

Quit Smoking, Win a Car!

Is it just me or is the Canadian Cancer Society's "Driven to Quit" contest one of the most retarded ideas ever? In case you're not familiar, the Driven to Quit contest awards prizes to people who quit smoking, the biggest being a hybrid car. Am I missing something here or have we gotten really fucking dumb?

In the most recent contest, entrants quit smoking on March 1, remain smoke-free until March 31 at which time there is a winners' draw. In April all the smoke-free verification is done by urine test and the winners are announced less than a month later on April 27. Got that? So all you have to do is quit for less than two months (since relapses after the draw disqualify you) and there you be.

How hard can it possibly be to quit smoking for 2 months, scoop up a car, and then start puffing away again? Again, either I'm missing something or this is a very poorly planned contest.

But that's not my main gripe with this. My question is, why are we rewarding people who chose to pick up an unhealthy and quite possibly deadly habit in the first place. You don't reward someone who gives up doing something they should have the common sense not to do altogether. You don't see prisons releasing guys and saying "Congratulations, Thumper, you haven't stabbed anyone in 7 years. Have a Toyota!"

This a completely ridiculous idea and needs to be rethought. Something along the lines of "Fuck the contest, nobody gets anything." You can't reward the smokers because they're smoking and that goes against the whole Canadian Cancer Society thing to begin with. You can't reward the non-smokers because they didn't even do anything and you don't reward common sense. And you can't reward the quitters because, well, you've just read why up to this point.

Plus they'd probably just get all gay about quitting and brag to everyone and piss a lot of people off.

People Who Send Weird Al Song Ideas

I've never met someone who has sent Weird Al a song idea. I have never met anyone who has considered sending Weird Al a song idea. I know there are people out there who do and have though because Weird Al's website states more than once "Do not send Weird Al song parodies!"

I don't understand this. For two reasons.

1) Creative artists are not Wikipedia. They are not to be used as a means to channel the collected ideas of thousands of people into one product. Weird Al has been a respected parody for decades because he used his own brain to come up with his own ideas using his own humour. Not because he took your advice and did a Girlicious parody for you.

I'm somewhat of a creative artist. Meaning I started a blog, tried to be funny, and assumed I deserved a more important title than "random blogger". Whatever. The point is, I come up with my own ideas using my own brain and my own humour so I know Weird Al's situation. At least I would if people were sending hordes of entry ideas to my inbox. You appreciate that people enjoy your work but you're not interested in writing about something just because someone brought it up.

There's a reason that programs run for an extended period of time on television. They have writers. Writers work for the show and it's their job to make the show flow, keep it entertaining, and keep it consistent. Friends wouldn't have been Friends if they kept taking audience suggestions every week.
"Me and my boys really like Escalades. Can Rachel drive an Escalade for me?"
And then next week. "Me and my girlfriends really like Porsches. Can Rachel drive an Porsche for me?"

The show would end up being "6 People in a Completely Unrelated Situation From Last Week". You can't just take a bunch of crap suggestions and churn them out at random. It doesn't work. Well, I shouldn't say never. Family Guy's doing OK.

Weird Al has lasted for so long because people appreciate his wit, not other peoples'.

2) Hey, genius, here's an idea. If your song idea is so good, why not record it yourself? Why would you write an awesome song and then send it to someone who already has a ton of awesome songs released, denying yourself of almost all credit. If Weird Al took your song idea and recorded it, what would you get? For an idea, probably nothing. If Weird Al used lyrics that you wrote, you'd get a credit in the liner notes....which nobody will see because most people under the age of 70 download all their music and therefore would not get liner notes to begin with.

And even if someone bought the CD, what are the chances they are going to read all the liner notes? And of those chances, what are the chances they'll see your writing credit and remember it? And of those chances, what are the chances they'll give a flying fuck about who you are?

Why not record your awesome song on your own and if it's so great (because apparently it's good enough for Weird Al), people will love you and you'll become the next big parody and you'll have tons more than a crappy little writing credit in Weird Al's liner notes.

But maybe I'm just greedy.

Sitting Backwards in a Chair

There are only two people who should be ever be sitting backwards in a chair.

1) Fathers from late '80s/early '90s family-friendly sitcoms who are consoling their sad children.

2) Entertainers for publicity photos.

And the backwards chair publicity photo has been done to death. It's not original any more. So really, unless you are anything like Danny Tanner you should stop sitting backwards in your chair.

I believe people who do this are desperate for attention but are trying to be subtle about it. They're saying, "Check me out. I'm just here groovin'. Look how I'm sitting in this chair, eh? Pretty crazy. I'm super laid back and just being an individual. I'm such a free spirit."

And it's always the fucking "arms folded with chin resting on top" pose using the back of the chair. I've never seen anyone sit backwards in a chair with their hands in their pockets.

I must point out, however, that as hip as backwards chair people think they are, they are still at a major disadvantage depending on the style of the chair. If some gentleman happens to be sitting in a chair like this guy, it's like his balls are posting a personals ad: Open Legs seek Closed Fist.
Thwack! A straight shot to the beans and not being able to close his legs will teach this guy to sit in a chair like a normal person.

This is some ridiculous '90s trend that's still burning people today. People sat backwards in chairs before the '90s, but that's when it was off the hook. It was the go-to move in sitcoms involving families when a child was sad. The dad would turn the chair around and sit down and pat the kid on the shoulder and say "Let's talk, honey."

It was kind of a visual way of expressing concern and somehow that's acceptable. Everyone else is just trying to look original. Leave the backwards sitting to Danny Tanner and Carl Winslow.

Raisins

Look at them. Just look at them. They look like little pieces of crap. Encounters with raisins ruin my day 100% of the time.

There was a time when I liked to eat raisins. I was two years old and my brain was not developed enough to understand that most foods are a more enjoyable alternative. I had not yet learned that if I should be presented with a small plate of raisins and a small plate of dandruff I should always choose the dandruff. Dandruff isn't food but it's edible. And even if you had to eat a teaspoon of dandruff it probably wouldn't be that bad. Better than raisins.

It's not even like raisins are a "gag-gross" food. I'll eat a raisin. Hell, I might even eat two raisins. They're not going to make me feel like vomiting. They're just unpleasant to eat. They're these small, chewy annoyances that bring tasty food's street cred down.

I can't tell you the number of times I've bit into a cookie or a muffin only to discover it was raisin, not chocolate chip like I had hoped. I just get a feeling of let-down.

It's kind of like when you're waiting around expecting a phone call from a friend. Maybe you have plans to meet somewhere and they're going to call you when they're ready to meet. "Awesome," you're thinking. "I haven't seen my friend in a long time now. It'll be great to catch up. Oh boy! I can't wait for their call!"

The phone rings. "Oh boy! Oh boy! My friend is calling! This is so very exciting! Time to meet my friend and have a grand old time!"

You pick up the phone and try to sound as cool as you can. You can't have your friend know that you've written off all your plans for the day in case they happened to call. Unacceptable. You have to make them think that you totally forgot they were going to give you a ring today, you've just been so caught up with all your other friends (who are nowhere near as awesome and cool as you are) and your Popular Guy of the Month competitions (which you always win, brah!).

"Hello?"
"Hi, sonny boy!"
"AAAAARRRRGH! God damn it! Mom!"
"Oh...that's nice."
"No, no, I didn't mean it like that. I've just been waiting for another call."

It's like that whenever I get a raisin cookie. Yeah, we're back on raisins now. Chocolate chip is the friend I wanted to meet. Raisins are my mom. Even though they resemble my dad much more closely. I get the raisin cookie and it's like "AAAAARRGH......no, it's not really you, I just-, I was kind of hoping for someone else."

I feel kind of bad because raisins have never done anything malicious to me. I just don't like eating them. They're unpleasant. However, the Sun Maid is totally hot and I would enjoy sex with her. Bow chicka bow wow.



Author's note: If anyone is sore with me because I skipped the last two Fridays, fuck you. My blog, my rules, bitch!

Shitty Post-Grunge Vocals

Why is it that every time I switch to a radio station playing "today's best rock", I hear this voice? This forced, gravelly, piece of shit voice. There are entirely too many bands around with lead singers that sound like this and it needs to end as soon as possible. Today's best rock. Shit, man, I think we're in a rut.

The bands, as lined up in my little sound montage I spent way too much time on, are Nickelback, Theory of a Deadman, Seether, and Creed. I realize now that I wanted to put Hinder in as well but forgot. I think you get the idea though. They all sound the same. Creed's a little more distinct, but it's still the same basic voice.

When I was in college it was a known fact that nobody in my class liked Nickelback. Most people couldn't even name someone who actually did. It's a small sample, I know, but based on these results...nobody likes Nickelback + several bands that sound exactly the same dominating the airwaves = WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!

It's just shitty testosterone-rock, is all. It's the musical equivalent of a high school jock. This macho, balls-out, edgy bullshit with no real substance. The jock is not there to offer you any insight or enlightenment, he's there to look intimidating and get the job done (tackling scrawny kids). This mainstream post-grunge crap is there to sound manly and get the job done (sell records to complete fucking morons, wherever they are).

And the problem is that up and coming bands are recognizing that these bands are big and are imitating them in hopes of making it just as big. Theory of a Deadman made it big because their pseudo-Kroeger lead singer gave Chad Kroeger himself a demo tape and he subsequently signed them to his label. That must have been a hard sell. Chad would have looked quite the fool had he put down his headphones and said, "Well now, I don't know. You fellas have the exact same sound as us and your singer sounds exactly like me. However, I'm just not feeling it. Good luck in the future, guys."

How can someone who is garbage to begin with make decisions regarding other peoples' talent? In the end all it means is that there is more diarrhea on the radio. Enough Nickelback clones already and gimme someone that doesn't sound balls awful.

Prohibition

I feel there's a vibe going around about legalization. It seems like it's closer than ever. It's been all over the news lately from Michael Phelps smoking to California introducing a bill to tax and regulate. And with Obama in office I'd say it's far from out of the question.

With the economy in the shape it's in and the huge profit to the government that legalization would bring, now is a better time than ever. NORML, the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, recently had a contest to produce a commercial promoting legalization and this one was the winner.

Unfortunately NORML does not have the funds to put this commercial on television where it would be seen by many, many more people. If you believe in the legalization on marijuana I encourage you to donate to NORML Canada.

Marijuana was made illegal in the 30s because of racist lies and propaganda. It is 2009 and we are much smarter than that now. Keeping it illegal is senseless and needs to end now. Prohibition, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY OFFICE!



*Author's Note: The funny returns tomorrow, kids!

Smart Cars

I swear every time I see a Smart Car on the road I get a huge urge to crash into it as hard as I can. The Smart Car really is just a dumb vehicle bought by dumb people. How big of an asshole do you have to be to decide you want to drive a Micro Machine for the next little while?

I always think of how fun it would be to bonk into a Smart Car while driving. I picture them sliding all over the road, spinning around in little circles like when you used to hit oil slicks in NES games. I also imagine a descending slide whistle noise while this happens. They just seem like toys that would simply biff off a concrete wall and keep going on their way.

How can you possibly look cool driving a Smart Car? No matter what you always look like a fucking goof. Mr. 31-year-old financial advisor has childhood issues and still hasn't gotten over the day his mom told him he was too big for his Little Tikes car and sold it. So he buys a Smart Car and sucks his thumb and cries himself to sleep every night.

I mean really. It looks like it runs on double A batteries. I wish I had more problems with this car because I'm really stretching here. It's just dinky and stupid looking and I have great fun thinking up awesome ways to destroy them. Like parking it and then having two enormous dump trucks sandwich it on both sides at 80mph. Or drive like 30 of them into the Grand Canyon all at the same time so you just see all these little pieces of crap tumbling into the ravine. That's good stuff, man!

This coming from a guy that drove a Suzuki Swift for 5 years...

Acid: For Taking Dr. Seuss's Life

Today, March 2, 2009 would have been Dr. Seuss's 105th birthday had LSD not taken his life. So I present to you a brief history of Seuss's life as recounted by me in tribute.

Theodore Seuss Geisel (Dr. Seuss, dipshit), was born March 2, 1904 in the dank basement of an opium den in Springfield, Massachusetts. Growing up he was always kind of a pain in the ass. In the first week of kindergarten he broke into the art closet and dumped bottles of paint and sparkles all over himself, which then dripped onto the floor and they were never able to get it off.

In first grade, Teddy as he was now known, tried acid for the first time and proceeded to snip intricate geometric patterns into the classroom's curtains. He spent 8 weeks in detention and his parents paid for new curtains. During his incarceration in the principal's office Teddy started writing and lifting weights.

By college Teddy had completed a 2000 page epic that had been in the works since fifth grade. It was titled "Hathaway's Repentance" and critics agreed that it was better than Shakespeare and Dickens combined X 1000. However, they decided that the graphic sexual descriptions and Hathaway's gruesome suicide in the end made it too dangerous for the public and the manuscript was burned, remaining mostly unnoted in history.

This crushed Teddy and he began taking LSD on a daily basis, writing simple rhymes and drawing simple pictures. He grew a big beard and started wearing a top hat wherever he went. He had truly suffered a nervous breakdown after his big rejection and wanted repress the painful memories. He began referring to himself as Dr. Seuss and after 3 years of taking LSD daily and writing simple rhyming literature and drawing strange pictures, he began to get published.

His greatest recognition was perhaps during the late 50s/early 60s with such books as the Grinch, the Cat in the Hat, Yertle the Turtle, Green Eggs and Ham, and One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Dr. Seuss began touring the world, doing interviews, signing books, and he continued to write. Many say he looked very spacy around this time, his eyes always kind of lost in the distance.

In the late 60s he published "I Can Lick 30 Tigers Today! and Other Stories". This title is questionable to some elites in the Seuss community. They speculate that "tiger" was a slang term for a tab of LSD, used within Seuss's hippie circle of friends. This may very well be true as Seuss commented during a 1970 interview on Dutch television, "Everything is just fucking shimmering all the fucking time, man. You dig? It's like...bwaaaaa...shhhhhhhwwwooop...you know? Ah...man..." After which, he got very philosophical with the interviewer and spoke for 4 hours and 45 minutes about Hop on Pop.

In 1971 Seuss wrote "The Lorax", about a creature which had been appearing on a few of his trips. This was during the peak of his environmental hippie protester phase and he felt he had to indoctrinate children with his nutty logic.

Seuss continued writing through the 70s and the early 80s popping out such gems as The Shape of Me and Other Stuff, I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!, and Oh Say Can You Say? It was now very obvious to the world how severe Dr. Seuss's acid problem was. For years he had been writing silly rhymes and stories and drawing creatures and worlds that didn't exist and by this point he was drinking a pint of LSD with his toast each morning.

In 1990 he wrote the last of his books published before his death, "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" It was mostly gibberish and the usual colourful worlds. But god damn it, we loved it just the same.

In early 1991 Seuss's health had declined immensely. He lived alone and mostly lay on his couch making noises to himself. This continued until September 24, 1991 when a neighbor found Seuss dead in his bathroom, naked in a bathtub full of LSD. The great Dr. Seuss had finally cashed out and taken the big trip in the sky.

So today I say "FUCK YOU, LSD, FOR TAKING THE LIFE OF DR. SEUSS!!!" Acid is bad, folks. If you take it you will die. Look what happened to Dr. Seuss. Such a great man. So young, so young...

Say no to acid.

Food Fucks

Some of my past posts have clearly been trivial annoyances that are written more for comedic value than anything. But today I'm writing about Food Fucks and these are people that honest-to-goodness piss me off.

Food Fucks are people that won't shut the hell up about the food during eating times and 100% of the time they know your stomach better than you do. They know when you're hungry and they damn well know ALL of your personal food preferences. Finally, they know that everyone is aching to hear their advice.

Let me explain something. At meal time this is how a food offering should go down:

"Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?"
"Sure, this looks good!"
"Help yourself."
"Thanks!"

or

"Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?"
"No thanks, I'm fine for now."
"Suit yourself."

There is is. Is that so hard? Short, sweet, and to the point. A normal person would understand this. Food Fucks, on the other hand, try my short temper, offer sweet advice, and push me to the point of losing it. Now, a food offering with the Food Fuck:

"Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?"
"No thanks, I'm fine for now."
"Are you sure? There's lots here."
"Yeah, I'm not particularly hungry right now."
"You don't want some potatoes or some corn?"
"No, I'm fine."
"It's really gooood...."
"No thanks."

They just won't let it go. It's like they get peace of mind from knowing that you're chewing on something. What the fuck is the big fascination with food?! Look, if I said I wasn't hungry I probably felt there was no need to eat. It's a simple concept. I don't know why Food Fucks think I'll become hungry if they ask me if I'm sure 15-20 times or why they get some sort of self-relief when I eat.

With food it should come down to one golden rule of thumb: "You like it? YOU eat it!"

Food Fucks need to stop worrying about other peoples' stomachs and focus on their own. Go ahead and offer should you feel the need. Indeed I encourage you to offer. The planet has enough greedy people as it is and it's refreshing to see an act of kindness every now and then. But if you offer and I say no, LET IT GO! When you keep pestering me it becomes incredibly hard to ignore the thoughts of me harming you somehow. If I wanted to eat I'm pretty sure I'd have a fucking fork in my mouth right now, asshole.