Children in Toronto Who Plan to Spend Their March Break Playing Video Games

Parents, unplug those 360s and send your little terrors out into the yard to play! It's going to be a great next few days weather-wise and any kid who thinks it's a good idea to piss away their March Break playing Xbox is, let's face it, a fucking tool.

First of all, some children are too young to be playing video games. If they start playing too early they become desensitized to violence. Then when they become serial killers later in life, they don't appreciate the feeling of ecstasy that runs through you when you take another man's life. If video games are making people violent, that's fine. But I'd hate to think that somewhere a child is murdering someone and not feeling good about it because he played too much Counter-Strike.

Hell, I had to wait till I was 10 or 11 years old before I got my first video game system and Sonic the Hedgehog stole my soul. I'm pretty sure there are babies being born today with Wiis under their arms whose first words are, "Damn it, bitch! Nine fucking months with no TV to hook this shit up to?!?! You gotta be trippin'. Get the fuck outta my way, I gotta get Wii Fit!"

Children don't appreciate good weather enough. Probably because their whole life is a playground. Children don't have to deal with rear ending someone because of ice and having to go through all the stupid pointless crap that we adults have attached to it. The only thing children have to worry about is colouring pictures and crashing into breakable things. Weather is weather to them.

We need to sit these 5-year-olds down and decree, "No Nintendo! You get your ass outside and have fun! This is great weather and I order you to enjoy it! When I was your age it was always cold and I worked in a dirty factory 16 hours day before coming home to my dinner of hard-tack and hose water. Now stop fucking crying, go outside, and HAVE YOUR PANSY ASS SOME FUN!!!"

Or else...

People Who Small-Talk About the Weather

In 10th grade, I played the very small role of Lane, the butler in my school's play that year, The Importance of Being Earnest. While I can only, at this point, remember only one of my lines ("Yes, sir." which I said approximately 900 times through the course of the play), to this day I can remember one of my co-star's lines: "Pray don't talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing."

I take it out of context here, but I think of it every single time some jerk informs me "Supposed to get pretty cold in the next couple of days." Thanks. If I wanted the latest scoop on the weather I'd probably be glued to the Weather Network right now instead of staring blankly at you, wondering how I should go about excusing myself in the fastest manner possible.

I can understand if you want to talk about the weather if a hurricane has just flung a puppy at your skull, but to me, when people bring up trivial bits of information like how much sunshine we'll all see on Wednesday, it's obvious to me that they have nothing of substance to say to me. The feeling is mutual.

However, being as socially inept as I am, I tend to shoot back some generic comment based on this meteorological enlightenment I've just been blessed with. And I feel like a prick every time.

The best is when these people continue to talk about the weather as if they weren't aware that it's supposed to be just a dumb small-talk subject for people who can't think of anything better. They babble on about the weather like it's actually intriguing to either of us. I have no hope for these people.

Listen, do me a favour. If we're standing around and you can't think of anything to say, pretend you're getting a call on your cell and go away or shut the fuck up. Awkward silence is not nearly excruciating as talking to you about the latest conditions.