Lipstick On the Office Mugs

I'm not a germophobe, but GROOOOSSSSS!!! To begin with, my work's dishwasher isn't exactly top of the line. I routinely grab a mug from the cupboard to get a nice, hearty sip of H2O and have often looked inside to see a bunch of crap coating the inside. You know when you finish a mug of hot chocolate and there's like a brown, foamy, coating that's left behind inside the mug? I've often found "clean" mugs in the cupboard with that shit in them, only dried.

So finding a clean mug can be a challenge sometimes. And then there are the times I go to the cupboard, grab a mug, and look inside to see that it is nice and (actually) clean. But there's a big, fat lipstick print on the rim!!!

In a worst-case scenario, like only one mug left in the whole cupboard, I'll tough it out and drink from the side of the mug directly across from the handle. It still kind of gives you the heebie-jeebies though.

To me it's like kissing one of your co-workers with a blindfold on and never knowing which one you kissed. No disrespect to my coworkers, but let's be honest. There are some that I really wouldn't want to kiss. On the other hand there are a few who, if they gave me a peck, I might ask for a little dessert.

But it's really a game of Russian Roulette and in my case I'd say about 6 chambers have bullets in them and 2 are empty. I just can't take the chance. A few of my co-workers are seriously good looking and others are kind of office-hot, but let's just say I'd like to leave the majority to my father.

The lipstick on the office mugs is frankly just a downer. Sort of one of those "If I were eating something right now, my appetite would be history." things. However, I couldn't find ANY mugs tonight so I walked around the office sipping water from a wine glass, swishing it around like I was bursting with sophistication. If I was wearing a tuxedo at the time I probably would have been inspired to quit my job and become a lounge singer.

And if you're wondering why my work is stocked with wine glasses but no mugs, well, we're just loaded all the fucking time.

Chap/Lip/Stick/Gloss

With winter comes chapped lips unfortunately, and I am not excluded. Every so often I will start to get that sensation of "imminent chap". You know, your lips won't stay wet for longer than a few nanoseconds which leads to the feeling of discomfort when you purse your lips together or open really, really wide like Steven Tyler singing Walk This Way.

This is when I decide that I had better put on chap stick before I go to bed or I'm going to wake up and spend the day looking like I'm wearing lipstick. Because that's what happens. A pasty-as-fuck dude who gets chapped lips looks like he's wearing lipstick. Its annoying because not only do I have to walk around with the discomfort of chapped lips, I have to look like I'm a little too in touch with my feminine side as well.

And so, like most people would do, I whip out the ol' tube of chap stick.....and proceed to make the problem worse. You see, I don't know what it is, but whenever I put on chap stick I might as well be putting on lip gloss. I guess it helps the lips and all, but more than anything it just gives me delicate looking, shiny, kissable lips. Which would fucking rock if that was the effect I was going for.

It doesn't matter how much I put on. Even a quick practice lap around Oral Speedway will do it. So I either have to put on chap stick and stay in private for a while or put in on and kiss something so that half of it rubs off. In which case, usually it's breasts. But dodging swinging purses is getting boring so I might just start carrying around a napkin.

I'm just fed up with chapped lips and the solution for them that's almost worse than the problem. And perhaps with the fact that my life is so empty my biggest worry is the negative implications of chap stick.