Chap/Lip/Stick/Gloss

With winter comes chapped lips unfortunately, and I am not excluded. Every so often I will start to get that sensation of "imminent chap". You know, your lips won't stay wet for longer than a few nanoseconds which leads to the feeling of discomfort when you purse your lips together or open really, really wide like Steven Tyler singing Walk This Way.

This is when I decide that I had better put on chap stick before I go to bed or I'm going to wake up and spend the day looking like I'm wearing lipstick. Because that's what happens. A pasty-as-fuck dude who gets chapped lips looks like he's wearing lipstick. Its annoying because not only do I have to walk around with the discomfort of chapped lips, I have to look like I'm a little too in touch with my feminine side as well.

And so, like most people would do, I whip out the ol' tube of chap stick.....and proceed to make the problem worse. You see, I don't know what it is, but whenever I put on chap stick I might as well be putting on lip gloss. I guess it helps the lips and all, but more than anything it just gives me delicate looking, shiny, kissable lips. Which would fucking rock if that was the effect I was going for.

It doesn't matter how much I put on. Even a quick practice lap around Oral Speedway will do it. So I either have to put on chap stick and stay in private for a while or put in on and kiss something so that half of it rubs off. In which case, usually it's breasts. But dodging swinging purses is getting boring so I might just start carrying around a napkin.

I'm just fed up with chapped lips and the solution for them that's almost worse than the problem. And perhaps with the fact that my life is so empty my biggest worry is the negative implications of chap stick.

Stupid Products: Go Girl and Fundies

Some people like me will, on occasion, just be sitting around the house when an idea will pop into their head. Maybe this idea come when they're inconvenienced. Maybe this idea will be for...a new product? Maybe it'll be a really good idea like the printing press and they'll declare to themselves, "Brilliant!" with a finger pointed to the sky. Maybe it'll be a really stupid idea like Fundies and they'll declare to themselves, "Brilliant!" with a finger pointed to the sky. Well, unfortunately there are a lot of dumb people out there.

Today, two of the latest "dumbest products ever" I've just come upon, the Go Girl and Fundies. Let's start with the Go Girl.

The Go Girl is for women who want to pee like men. Looking at the picture above, I think you'll be able to figure out pretty quickly how it works. OK, I get that squatting is not easy or convenient. But how often are you going to be taking a piss, thinking to yourself, "Man, I wish I had a vag funnel right now"? The fact is that most girls probably do not need this product because most of the time they have access to a toilet. And when they don't, I mean, couldn't you suck it up one time and just squat instead of wasting $5?

And what if you're accidentally spotted using one or you spot someone else using one? That's going to be an awkward conversation the next time you see them. You either have to discuss transsexuality or piss funnels with them. Count me out.

The most disturbing piece of news I've read on this so far comes from the Go Girl's creator Sarah Dillon who "encouraged women to "have fun with" the product, which comes with a funnel attachment for mess-free relief." Go away. The last thing I want to read about is women having fun using their pissing devices. Have fun? What does that mean? Throw a Go Girl theme party? *shudder*

OK, now on to Fundies. Yes, folks, one of the most important inventions of our lives, underwear for two. Golly, I thought it would never arrive.

Maybe it's because I haven't tried it out and discovered how much fun it really is, but this just seems like a really fucking stupid idea. I get how it's supposed to be sexy, but it just looks like an assload of impracticality. You can't do much inside them. I can picture a couple trying to move in them and falling and "sexy" resulting in a broken hip. You could probably have awkward sex in them but what's the point? Who would choose awkward sex in Fundies over total-freedom, bare-ass banging action?

The slogan for Fundies is "Half the fun is getting in them, the other half's up to you." I suspect this isn't so much the Fundies people being "wink, wink, nudge, nudge" with us. This sounds like they invented the underwear and then it occurred to them, "So...great job and all.....but what the fuck are you supposed to do with them?"

The Fundies people are just taking a great idea and turning it into something dumb. What they should be doing is going after these fucking whales of human beings. I'm sure these people have a hard enough time trying to find underwear that fits. All you need to do is stop calling it underwear for two and just call it underwear for one.

Because heaven knows there are more fat people who need underwear out there than couples looking to make their sex life more awkward.

The Mythbusters

I don't want you to get the wrong idea now. I don't hate Mythbusters. I don't hate Adam and Jamie. The concept is great and the hosts are tolerable...in small doses. What I mean is that everyone you meet will have that one small thing about them that just gets on your nerves and today I'm on the Mythbusters.

Jamie: You guessed it. Goo goo g'joob. How do you eat with that thing, man? It's like a car wash for food. And let's give the beret a rest. Berets should only be worn by French artists living in empty apartments. If your soul is not broken as you paint grapes under a single pale yellow bulb, don't bother.

Adam: Calm the fuck down. Every time I see you you seem to have one emotion: peppy. If you're trying to counterbalance the utter monotony of your co-host, I get it. But watch it. Overdoing it is really irritating. You know how morning people annoy the piss out of people that just woke up because they're too god damn cheerful? To me, you come off as being that person 24 hours a day. Please "ease us into the morning", so to speak.

Thank you for the hours of entertainment, guys (about 5 1/2 so far)! I'll be a fan for life! Or at least until 3 months after you're canceled and I forget about your show. I just feel like the sooner we clear the air the sooner we can be the bestest of friends!

*cough*

People Who Can't Stop Laughing When They Tell You A Joke

Every so often you get that one guy that comes up to you laughing uncontrollably. When you're faced with him he either insists you listen to what's so funny or he keeps laughing and you eventually feel obligated to ask him.

Now, I enjoy a good joke as much as the next guy. But there's nothing funny about standing around listening to someone tell the first few words of a joke and then double over in laughter for another 8 minutes. When they finally gain composure they start the joke all over again and get no further than they did the first time before cracking up.

This goes on and eventually you just have to step in and comment, "Excuse me, I hate to interrupt, but I have to take a huge dump so would you please PROCEED IMMEDIATELY WITH THE GOD DAMN JOKE?!?!"

Usually they'll get the hint and realize that your bowels don't care much for their laughter. So they'll manage to get the joke out and surprise, surprise. Not funny. Gosh, I expected to find it so hilarious I'd forget all about having to drop a dook and spend the next 20 minutes laughing like a fucking moron along with them.

But no. I've found that when someone starts telling you a joke or a story and can't get through the first few words without losing it, it's best to save your time and leave immediately. 100% of the time the joke turns out to be a complete disappointment. Why? Because it's all in the delivery of course. There's a reason why people find John Cleese, George Carlin, and Jerry Lewis funny. They don't stand there guffawing through their entire sets.

Please, if you can't tell a joke properly, wait until you've calmed down or shut the hell up. And leave saltines out of it. You shoot little chucks everywhere and they get stuck in my hair.

Insane Soup Can Woman

Today I was watching all of my Tivoed Jay Jay the Jet Plane episodes when it occurred to me, "I'm getting sick of eating toast corners and Kahlua for breakfast every morning. I should go buy some food."

And with that, I was off to the grocery store. What a marvelous trip it was too. The crackhead that always harasses me outside the main entrance was sleeping up against the side of the pop machine which put me into a pretty good mood. I decided I only needed a few things so I just took a basket into the store. I bought all my stuff including the new package of toilet paper that had managed to slip my mind the previous three weeks.

At this point I stroll up to the checkout counter with my basket of crap. There are only two lines open. The express line and one other counter. Having well over 12 items and not wanting to be a dick to other shoppers, I take my place in the non-express line behind a cart with no shopper attached. There is a couple up ahead getting their crap checked out so I figure the cart is theirs.

Suddenly this woman who is probably in her mid to late 60s jumps in front of me, puts a divider on the conveyor belt, and starts unloading the cart. OK, the cart is hers and she was grabbing a last minute item. No biggie.

So she's busy unloading her cart and I'm busy looking around the store glaring at people for no reason. It's a hobby of mine. At one point my eyes come back to her cart and I notice she's done unloading the top section of her cart. There is still a bottom section which I didn't notice before. And it's FILLED WITH FUCKING SOUP CANS!

Look at the picture above and try to imagine about 7 or 8 times the number of cans. This insane woman is evidently preparing for meltdown. I'm standing here with my little basket of crap and she is unloading the soup aisle onto the counter. Just bloody perfect.

And as if I wasn't tested enough, she, the cashier, and the bagger guy start blabbing about the FUCKING OSCARS! Why me?

Watching this woman going back and forth over and over and over for cans of soup, I don't know whether or not I should stand there and do my best to look annoyed (because that's how hardcore I am in these situations) or thank her for a laugh. Because it got to the point where it was just ridiculous and I was trying not to laugh and look like I was high on marijuana cigarettes. I wasn't. It was mushrooms and I hate when people confuse the two.

But she got through the checkout by about 3:30 and then I got to pay for my basket of crap and wouldn't you know it, bagger guy starts chatting about how cold it is. I swear I'm not making this up.

Out in the parking lot I saw Insane Soup Can Woman loading her bags of soup cans into the back of her pickup truck. So just as a little practical joke I waited until she was about to drive off and then I opened up her tailgate. When she hit the gas all the cans rolled out the back and all over the parking lot. Some old dude slipped on one and spilled his coffee all over a dog and I just drove away laughing my fucking ass off.

The Oscars

I've been complaining about award shows for years. So seeing as how tonight's Oscar night and I needed something to complain about today, this entry was kind of inevitable. Not that that makes any sense.

The thing is, I realized tonight that I complain about award shows from time to time, but I really haven't seen one in years. So I figured I'd take one for the team (me) and watch the Oscars just so I have at least a smidgen of credibility. I thought maybe the Oscars would give me some material and this would be a cute little entry.

It's 11 o'clock. I've been watching this crap since 7 because "surely the red carpet will nauseate me enough to inspire me." 4 hours and this crap is STILL ON. I know it usually runs a while and I watched a bunch of red carpet stuff before the actual event, but Jesus Christ. This is what I've been complaining about for so long? The Oscars haven't so much directly given me material as they have managed to bore me to fucking tears.

It's been like a movie that promises to make me laugh, make me cry. And it seems to be doing that for the audience. But it's all just sentimental garbage and piss poor jokes. I don't understand this. Did I nod off during all the good parts?

Why do people hype this every year? It's not even good. If you missed it and after reading this far, still want to know what went down, allow me to bring you up to speed:

"Ladies and gentlemen, Hugh Jackman. (applause)
"Thanks folks, I'm going to sing a shitty song even though I was told not to! You're welcome!"
(shitty song)
"Holy crap, that was fucking rad! Thanks everyone! Now please welcome, to introduce our first nominees, THESE people!"
"Blah blah blah, and the winner is, blah blah blah, thank you to the Academy, blah blah blah, oh my goodness, blah blah blah, Heath Ledger, Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire, Wall-E, blah blah blah.
"And now a musical bit featuring some of the worst songs ever!"
(musical bit featuring some of the worst songs ever)
"THE MUSICAL IS BACK!!!" (this alone fucking ruined my night)
"Blah blah blah, video clips, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, blah blah blah, Dark Knight, Heath Ledger, Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire, Wall-E, blah, blah, blah."

As I say, it's still on so that's only what I've got so far. Sorry to leave you with such a cliffhanger ending. As for the red carpet, that was just jam-packed so full of useless shit I'd like to go about forgetting all about it.

How do people endure this fucking snore-a-thon every year?

Skyler Hornback

(Post removed by request)

Alan,

Thank you for your comment. I have removed the post in question as you can see. I should point out that it was difficult for me to decide whether to remove it or leave it up.

Normally I'd object to censoring myself just because somebody becomes offended or disagrees with me, except in certain rare circumstances. I believe that a person should take ownership and be responsible for their opinions no matter how popular or unpopular they may be.

However, I've decided that this is one of those rare circumstances and so I've made an exception for you. Here's why:

First of all, my original post was made over 3 years ago and I like to think I've grown up in many ways since posting it. I don't feel like I have anything to gain by criticizing a certain kid and it's not going to make me some champion of morals to leave the post up to prove a point. Besides, I watched Skyler's CNN video again before deleting it. Maybe your comment made me see the video from a different perspective or maybe it's just being 3 years older, but I don't think it's nearly as bad as I made it out to be in my original post.

Lastly, and this was a huge deciding factor, your comment(s) were professional and polite. You didn't curse me out or call me names or threaten me. You made a courteous request and explained yourself. I admire that. So I figured the least I could do was to show you, Skyler, and the rest of the family the same respect.

I hope this smoothes things over and there are no hard feelings. Thanks for visiting!

"Obama-tailers"

Yesterday President Obama made his first stop to Canada as I'm sure you're aware. I tried to follow it the best I could and as it turned out the media started fixating on something dumb as usual. I'm talking about the fact that he stopped into a store afterwards to buy some Beavertails and maple leaf cookies.

Does anyone care? The answer, my friends, is yes. Because today on the news I hear that that very store's Beavertail and cookie sales have shot up since Obama visited. Some people are really fucking stupid. There is entirely too much Obama-worship going on.

Look, I know that the majority is happy that Obama got elected and happy with the job he's done so far. I don't have a problem with that. Be happy that he got elected. Be proud of him. But some people just have to take things way too far. They treat him like he's God himself and worship every little thing he does.

What's the point of buying things from the same store as Obama bought something from for no other reason other than the fact that Obama bought something there? Are you suddenly better than everyone else for having done so? Do you now have some unspoken, spiritual connection with Obama? I don't get it.

In the news segment there were people interviewed who actually said that they would not have bought a Beavertail there if Obama hadn't. So I'm not just making this up. These people have nothing going on and I have no hope for them.

Half of this country would start drinking piss with breakfast every morning if Time magazine told them Obama did.

People Who Buy Car Washes When They Don't Need Them

If you know me well enough to know about the condition I keep my vehicle in, it shouldn't surprise you if I said that I don't buy car washes very often. My truck is really just my own mobile survival unit. If the world erupted in nuclear warfare tomorrow, I could dash to my truck in my boxers and probably be able to survive a good two months at least. At any given time there is enough crap flying around in there that I'd be able to eat, drink, sleep and entertain myself until radiation levels dropped and society rebuilt itself. And of course my vehicle is encrusted in so much filth I'd be completely guarded from deformation and all that crap. But I digress.

The point being, I wash my vehicle almost never. So when I do decide to pull into the wash line, I know it truly needs it. I'm usually prompted by the gentle advice of a passerby who has drawn "Dirty Fucking Hippie--Are you joking me?!" into my tailgate while I was in the mall. I don't bother wiping it out as I'm always most grateful for a second opinion.

Now, I've come to learn that car wash lines are probably some of the slowest lines you'll ever wait in. I often see patrons who park their cars in line and run off to do a bit of light shopping. Nobody ever seems to have a problem with this so I know that when I pull up in line behind an empty car, I'm probably going to be waiting a while.

So you can see that when I'm waiting in a car-wash line that processes roughly 6 cars annually and I see some moron whose car is nearly spotless I feel just slightly pissed the fuck off.

There is nothing more arrogant than holding up people who actually need washes just because you can't see your smug reflection in your hood as well as you could before. These are the people that use their vehicles primarily as a status symbol. The people that buy sports cars to fill the void in their empty lives. The people that are so insecure about themselves that they feel the need to try and express themselves through their car. Lord knows a smudge on the door could mean the difference between "gettin' da pussay" and "not gettin' da pussay."

But what can I do besides curse these people to myself? They're already paid for and in line and complaining to them in person would be less productive than their impending "wash". So I watch these most intelligent individuals run through the car wash and WHAT THE FUCK?! The car looks almost the same as it did going in! Christ, I totally didn't see that coming!

Congratulations, asshole, you just spent ten dollars to confirm to everyone around you that you're completely full of yourself.

Road Warriors Part 1

I think I'm going to give a special category to people we share the road with. I anticiapte that I will have more driving stories to share at some point so I present my first subsection, Road Warriors.

The first road warrior is the asshole that won't merge when you allow him to do so. I spend a lot of time on the road because my job is not exactly close to home. Therefore I spend a good deal of time on the highway. I can't tell you how pissed I get when I'm in the right hand lane and some guy shoots up beside me on an entrance ramp, just slightly ahead of where I am. Being a courteous driver, I slow down to let him in before he runs out of ramp and barrels into a concrete wall, exploding into a gigantic ball of flames. Which I saw one time and it was fucking awesome. It may have been a minivan full of children, I don't know, the fire truck was kind of in the way.

But anyway, I slow dow to let this guy in and he matches speed. Let's go! I'm letting you in! Step on the gas, for Pete's sake! I always feel awkward. I don't want this guy to think that I'm matching his speed so he can't get over. I'm being a legitimately nice guy here! I'm letting you in, but you're driving like an ass, don't hate me!

At this point I've either slowed to about 40kms below the posted speed limit before he inches in or cursed him and floored it to get ahead of him. In both cases I wonder how this moron got a license and scream at him to stay the fuck off the highway if he doesn't know how it works.

Road Warrior #2 is the guy that stops at the intersection with no stop sign. I was driving home after eating dinner out tonight and came to a 2-way stop. East-West had to stop at the interesction. North-South did not. I was travelling East-West and came to the stop....right as North-South dickweed came to the intersection...and STOPPED.

As it was his right of way, I continued to wait there. This genius actually stopped where there was no stop sign and flashed his lights to let me through, all while holding up another vehicle.

Now that I think of it, I really should have taken George Carlin's advice. I should have stopped dead at the intersection. When he's waited there for several seconds and realized that I'm not going to move, he'd proceed. And right when he's in the middle of the road, BRRRRRRUUUMMMM, I floor it and crash into him.

"You told me to go."

People Who Small-Talk About the Weather

In 10th grade, I played the very small role of Lane, the butler in my school's play that year, The Importance of Being Earnest. While I can only, at this point, remember only one of my lines ("Yes, sir." which I said approximately 900 times through the course of the play), to this day I can remember one of my co-star's lines: "Pray don't talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing."

I take it out of context here, but I think of it every single time some jerk informs me "Supposed to get pretty cold in the next couple of days." Thanks. If I wanted the latest scoop on the weather I'd probably be glued to the Weather Network right now instead of staring blankly at you, wondering how I should go about excusing myself in the fastest manner possible.

I can understand if you want to talk about the weather if a hurricane has just flung a puppy at your skull, but to me, when people bring up trivial bits of information like how much sunshine we'll all see on Wednesday, it's obvious to me that they have nothing of substance to say to me. The feeling is mutual.

However, being as socially inept as I am, I tend to shoot back some generic comment based on this meteorological enlightenment I've just been blessed with. And I feel like a prick every time.

The best is when these people continue to talk about the weather as if they weren't aware that it's supposed to be just a dumb small-talk subject for people who can't think of anything better. They babble on about the weather like it's actually intriguing to either of us. I have no hope for these people.

Listen, do me a favour. If we're standing around and you can't think of anything to say, pretend you're getting a call on your cell and go away or shut the fuck up. Awkward silence is not nearly excruciating as talking to you about the latest conditions.

The Pajamagram Asshole

If Tim Geithner didn't exist, this guy would be the biggest douchebag on TV.

http://www.pajamagram.com/commercial-2008.html

I saw this commercial on CNN periodically leading up to Valentine's Day. Thank heavens Valentine's Day is over because I can't stand this guy. The first time it came on I thought "Fucking right! Chicks getting nekkid!" and then Pajamagram Asshole had to come along and ruin any chances of getting a hard on.

It's like a family friendly version of watching porn and right when you're getting into it they cut to hairy man ass for 10 seconds. It just ruins your day.

If douchebaggery was art, this guy would be Monet somewhere towards the end of the commercial. There's a point where he's sitting on the couch with his arm around the girl and they each have a glass of wine in their hands. In slow motion he turns to the camera with a smile on his face and proceeds to nauseate everyone with his pompous eyebrow raise as his smile gets even wider.

It's like he's saying to me through body language, "Hell yeah, I'm gettin' laid tonight, bro! High five!" You just want to leave the bastard hanging and punch him instead. He's like the guy that thinks he's your friend, but really you'd be happier just to drive him to Montana and leave him there.

Again, I'm so grateful that Valentine's is over because Pajamagram Asshole raises my blood pressure every time I see him and it's not good for me.