Children in Toronto Who Plan to Spend Their March Break Playing Video Games

Parents, unplug those 360s and send your little terrors out into the yard to play! It's going to be a great next few days weather-wise and any kid who thinks it's a good idea to piss away their March Break playing Xbox is, let's face it, a fucking tool.

First of all, some children are too young to be playing video games. If they start playing too early they become desensitized to violence. Then when they become serial killers later in life, they don't appreciate the feeling of ecstasy that runs through you when you take another man's life. If video games are making people violent, that's fine. But I'd hate to think that somewhere a child is murdering someone and not feeling good about it because he played too much Counter-Strike.

Hell, I had to wait till I was 10 or 11 years old before I got my first video game system and Sonic the Hedgehog stole my soul. I'm pretty sure there are babies being born today with Wiis under their arms whose first words are, "Damn it, bitch! Nine fucking months with no TV to hook this shit up to?!?! You gotta be trippin'. Get the fuck outta my way, I gotta get Wii Fit!"

Children don't appreciate good weather enough. Probably because their whole life is a playground. Children don't have to deal with rear ending someone because of ice and having to go through all the stupid pointless crap that we adults have attached to it. The only thing children have to worry about is colouring pictures and crashing into breakable things. Weather is weather to them.

We need to sit these 5-year-olds down and decree, "No Nintendo! You get your ass outside and have fun! This is great weather and I order you to enjoy it! When I was your age it was always cold and I worked in a dirty factory 16 hours day before coming home to my dinner of hard-tack and hose water. Now stop fucking crying, go outside, and HAVE YOUR PANSY ASS SOME FUN!!!"

Or else...

Hangover Cure Reminders

Let me explain this. Every time a holiday comes around where people tend to drink more than usual the big internet guys have to bust out a bunch of hangover information. It's now 2 days away from St. Patty's Day and sure enough Yahoo! has put the usual up on their homepage (see above).

St. Patty's and New Years Eve. Those are the big ones. Without fail, two days before you will see a bunch of hangover crap all over the internet. What causes them and how to get rid of them. And hangover cure myths. All your favourite cures exposed!

Now, it's not that I have a problem with people drinking. I don't have a problem with hangovers (well, I do, but not in this context). I don't have a problem with people going a little overboard at a party. It's the repetitive information in these little "hangover guides" that everyone who's anyone should know.

Is anyone reading these hangover tips and learning something new? First of all, Yahoo! lists the symptoms of a hangover. Are there people out there who are drinking a pint of whiskey, going to bed, and then waking up shaking their heads saying, "The fuck is this shit, man?" If you don't know what a hangover is or what the symptoms are, perhaps you're not ready to be drinking in the first place.

After that it's the same old shit. Cold shower, aspirin, coffee, hair of the dog. Seriously, who hasn't heard of all of these hundreds of times? Tell me there aren't people out there who have been doing hair of the dog for 20 years. Tell me they aren't coming to Yahoo! and reading their little guide and saying "Well, I'll be damned. Hey, Darelene! Guess what. Yeah, turns out we've been doin' it wrong all these years! Hoo-hoooo!"

Take a fucking painkiller, go back to bed, sleep it off and be done with it. There are no secret voodoo remedies for you to indulge in. And to the big internet guys, stop reminding me of peoples' stupidity every single drink-iday (holidays meant for drinking). If folks need to reference your guides, they probably don't know enough about how drinking works and therefore should be left to pay the price and maybe learn a thing or two first-hand.

Smart drinkers don't need these guides. Please stop wasting space on the internet.

Stay tuned. There's a good chance of yelling at children tomorrow. Fuck yeah!

People Who Flaunt Their Ability to Roll "R"s

Every so often you'll be going down on your girl and she'll look down at you and ask, "Say, baby, you wouldn't know how to roll your "R"s by any chance, would you?" And you look up at her and say "No, sweetums, why do you ask?"
"No reason..."

But by then it's too late. You've gotten yourself stuck in the R Rolling Discussion. With two people maybe it's not so bad. One person can do it, one person can't, you have a chuckle, order a pizza, and call it a night.

The problem is when you have several people in the R Rolling Discussion together. Somehow it comes up when you're out with your buddies at the bar and pretty soon everyone has to know how many people at their table have the ability to roll their "R"s.

The room turns into a cesspool of purring and hissing (the people who can't do it, obviously). And out of this cesspool emerges our douchebag for the day. The guy who can't help taking this already annoying scenario and pushing it one step further.

The world apparently needs to know that this guy can roll his "R"s and he's damn good at it too. He'll be fluttering all over the room rolling his "R"s in peoples' faces, especially the ones who can't do it. He'll be trying to roll the loudest and the longest. He'll be singing songs with nothing but rolled "R"s for lyrics.

You just want to grab him, sit him down, point your finger threateningly at him, and say, "Look, we get it. You're versatile with the R rolling. Cool it, okay? Just chill the fuck out and we can all get on with our evening. There is no prize waiting in the back for you."

Fortunately the R Rolling Discussions don't normally last more than 30 seconds. Once you figure out who can do it, you tend to move on, being that it's not a very exciting topic. But still, I have lingering feelings of dislike for the guy just for thinking he's so awesome.

Maybe I'm cranky. Maybe I'm jealous. Or maybe I'm just sad that he got to read the coffee contest commercial instead of me. Curse you, Tim Hortons.

The Kelsey's Cheers Card

I went to Kelsey's tonight for dinner. I also give way too many people free advertising on here.

Now usually when I eat out at a restaurant I'm used to enjoying the meal and then having the waitress bring the bill along with a couple of candies for the road. Kelsey's is doing something a little different these days though because the last two times I've been there I've received the bill, the candies...and a small card that says "Cheers" on the front. On the inside is a thank you note and the waitress's signature.

Now I understand that they're trying to be a friendly restaurant that wants their customers to feel appreciated, but the Cheers card just seems to be a little overboard. I get the hint that they care (or are at least being told by management to pretend to care). They're constantly coming by my table asking me how everything is. They smile. They're friendly. I got it.

The card just seems like a waste. I'm not really sure if I'm supposed to take it home or not. It almost seems like a gift. You wouldn't get a birthday card from your grandfather and then throw it out at the same party. I feel like I'm being a bit rude leaving the Cheers card behind. I feel like the waitress will come back later in the night, see the card still on the table, and feel heartbroken that I didn't like the gift she gave me.

But what am I going to do with it if I take it? It doesn't have enough sentimental meaning to keep around like the card from my grandfather. I'm not going to go home and keep it on the mantle for a couple of weeks. What most people would do is throw it into the trash. Outside the restaurant just in case our well-meaning waitress should happen to be watching. Wouldn't want her to cry.

Either way it's going to end up in the trash pretty damn quick. If I take it, I throw it out. If I leave it, they throw it out. And they give away several of these cards every night. I'm not usually a waste-not, want-not kind of guy, but this is just unnecessary. I don't like the thought of how much paper is being processed and then thrown directly into the trash.

Honestly, Kelsey's, a simple thank you and a smile will do at the end of the night. Really.

Calendars That Start On Monday

Good news, folks! Sometimes limited free time and creative juices make you say, "Fuck it." I missed yesterday so today I'm giving you a double shot of rant! Check back later on for another update!

Now on to...calendars that start on Monday. Makes you shudder, don't it? Perhaps you're lost. What is a calendar that starts on Monday? Well, my inquisitive friend, let me explain.

A normal person's calendar runs:
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday

However, somewhere along the line some yuppie (I'm only guessing, but it had to have been) figured working people might find his work-week-based calendar more helpful:
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday

It is not helpful. Not to me, at least. My whole life I grew up with Sunday leading the charge. Sunday was the start of the week. Sure it was part of the weekend, but everyone kind of silently agreed that Sunday was the first day of the week.

And then suddenly I'm an adult with a job and I have to start working with calendars where my friend has been relocated? Balls! It just throws everything off and makes things more confusing.

When I look at a calendar, I'm not looking at the days of the week, I'm looking at the dates. The days of the week are in my head. Monday is second from left, Wednesday is spot on in the middle, Saturday is second from right, etc.

And then Calendar 2.0 comes along and THURSDAY IS NOW IN THE MIDDLE?! MADNESS! And then I have to spend my time lining up days and dates with my finger because my primitive brain can't cope with this earth-shattering change.

Seriously, is there anyone who finds the Monday calendar more user-friendly than the Sunday? Sunday is the first day of the week and has been ever since I can remember. When you make Monday the first day of the week, well, now you're just playing God and I worry about the repercussions of doing so.

Mr. Lube

For being such a goddamn rip off. I took my truck there for an oil change today and now I have $12 in my bank account. My truck has problems and now I can't afford to fix them. This is bullshit. I can't be bothered to complain at length about this.

Fuck Mr. Lube, fuck the assholes that work there, and fuck my finncial situation. Oh and fuck their shitty little Lube Club or whatever it is that I'm somehow a member of. Did I drive to Mr. Lube blind drunk one night and sign up for their club? Not that I can recall. But somehow I'm a part of their Lube Club. Who the hell wants to be part of a lube club besides twisted sexual deviants?

Fuck my life.

Quit Smoking, Win a Car!

Is it just me or is the Canadian Cancer Society's "Driven to Quit" contest one of the most retarded ideas ever? In case you're not familiar, the Driven to Quit contest awards prizes to people who quit smoking, the biggest being a hybrid car. Am I missing something here or have we gotten really fucking dumb?

In the most recent contest, entrants quit smoking on March 1, remain smoke-free until March 31 at which time there is a winners' draw. In April all the smoke-free verification is done by urine test and the winners are announced less than a month later on April 27. Got that? So all you have to do is quit for less than two months (since relapses after the draw disqualify you) and there you be.

How hard can it possibly be to quit smoking for 2 months, scoop up a car, and then start puffing away again? Again, either I'm missing something or this is a very poorly planned contest.

But that's not my main gripe with this. My question is, why are we rewarding people who chose to pick up an unhealthy and quite possibly deadly habit in the first place. You don't reward someone who gives up doing something they should have the common sense not to do altogether. You don't see prisons releasing guys and saying "Congratulations, Thumper, you haven't stabbed anyone in 7 years. Have a Toyota!"

This a completely ridiculous idea and needs to be rethought. Something along the lines of "Fuck the contest, nobody gets anything." You can't reward the smokers because they're smoking and that goes against the whole Canadian Cancer Society thing to begin with. You can't reward the non-smokers because they didn't even do anything and you don't reward common sense. And you can't reward the quitters because, well, you've just read why up to this point.

Plus they'd probably just get all gay about quitting and brag to everyone and piss a lot of people off.

People Who Send Weird Al Song Ideas

I've never met someone who has sent Weird Al a song idea. I have never met anyone who has considered sending Weird Al a song idea. I know there are people out there who do and have though because Weird Al's website states more than once "Do not send Weird Al song parodies!"

I don't understand this. For two reasons.

1) Creative artists are not Wikipedia. They are not to be used as a means to channel the collected ideas of thousands of people into one product. Weird Al has been a respected parody for decades because he used his own brain to come up with his own ideas using his own humour. Not because he took your advice and did a Girlicious parody for you.

I'm somewhat of a creative artist. Meaning I started a blog, tried to be funny, and assumed I deserved a more important title than "random blogger". Whatever. The point is, I come up with my own ideas using my own brain and my own humour so I know Weird Al's situation. At least I would if people were sending hordes of entry ideas to my inbox. You appreciate that people enjoy your work but you're not interested in writing about something just because someone brought it up.

There's a reason that programs run for an extended period of time on television. They have writers. Writers work for the show and it's their job to make the show flow, keep it entertaining, and keep it consistent. Friends wouldn't have been Friends if they kept taking audience suggestions every week.
"Me and my boys really like Escalades. Can Rachel drive an Escalade for me?"
And then next week. "Me and my girlfriends really like Porsches. Can Rachel drive an Porsche for me?"

The show would end up being "6 People in a Completely Unrelated Situation From Last Week". You can't just take a bunch of crap suggestions and churn them out at random. It doesn't work. Well, I shouldn't say never. Family Guy's doing OK.

Weird Al has lasted for so long because people appreciate his wit, not other peoples'.

2) Hey, genius, here's an idea. If your song idea is so good, why not record it yourself? Why would you write an awesome song and then send it to someone who already has a ton of awesome songs released, denying yourself of almost all credit. If Weird Al took your song idea and recorded it, what would you get? For an idea, probably nothing. If Weird Al used lyrics that you wrote, you'd get a credit in the liner notes....which nobody will see because most people under the age of 70 download all their music and therefore would not get liner notes to begin with.

And even if someone bought the CD, what are the chances they are going to read all the liner notes? And of those chances, what are the chances they'll see your writing credit and remember it? And of those chances, what are the chances they'll give a flying fuck about who you are?

Why not record your awesome song on your own and if it's so great (because apparently it's good enough for Weird Al), people will love you and you'll become the next big parody and you'll have tons more than a crappy little writing credit in Weird Al's liner notes.

But maybe I'm just greedy.

Sitting Backwards in a Chair

There are only two people who should be ever be sitting backwards in a chair.

1) Fathers from late '80s/early '90s family-friendly sitcoms who are consoling their sad children.

2) Entertainers for publicity photos.

And the backwards chair publicity photo has been done to death. It's not original any more. So really, unless you are anything like Danny Tanner you should stop sitting backwards in your chair.

I believe people who do this are desperate for attention but are trying to be subtle about it. They're saying, "Check me out. I'm just here groovin'. Look how I'm sitting in this chair, eh? Pretty crazy. I'm super laid back and just being an individual. I'm such a free spirit."

And it's always the fucking "arms folded with chin resting on top" pose using the back of the chair. I've never seen anyone sit backwards in a chair with their hands in their pockets.

I must point out, however, that as hip as backwards chair people think they are, they are still at a major disadvantage depending on the style of the chair. If some gentleman happens to be sitting in a chair like this guy, it's like his balls are posting a personals ad: Open Legs seek Closed Fist.
Thwack! A straight shot to the beans and not being able to close his legs will teach this guy to sit in a chair like a normal person.

This is some ridiculous '90s trend that's still burning people today. People sat backwards in chairs before the '90s, but that's when it was off the hook. It was the go-to move in sitcoms involving families when a child was sad. The dad would turn the chair around and sit down and pat the kid on the shoulder and say "Let's talk, honey."

It was kind of a visual way of expressing concern and somehow that's acceptable. Everyone else is just trying to look original. Leave the backwards sitting to Danny Tanner and Carl Winslow.

Raisins

Look at them. Just look at them. They look like little pieces of crap. Encounters with raisins ruin my day 100% of the time.

There was a time when I liked to eat raisins. I was two years old and my brain was not developed enough to understand that most foods are a more enjoyable alternative. I had not yet learned that if I should be presented with a small plate of raisins and a small plate of dandruff I should always choose the dandruff. Dandruff isn't food but it's edible. And even if you had to eat a teaspoon of dandruff it probably wouldn't be that bad. Better than raisins.

It's not even like raisins are a "gag-gross" food. I'll eat a raisin. Hell, I might even eat two raisins. They're not going to make me feel like vomiting. They're just unpleasant to eat. They're these small, chewy annoyances that bring tasty food's street cred down.

I can't tell you the number of times I've bit into a cookie or a muffin only to discover it was raisin, not chocolate chip like I had hoped. I just get a feeling of let-down.

It's kind of like when you're waiting around expecting a phone call from a friend. Maybe you have plans to meet somewhere and they're going to call you when they're ready to meet. "Awesome," you're thinking. "I haven't seen my friend in a long time now. It'll be great to catch up. Oh boy! I can't wait for their call!"

The phone rings. "Oh boy! Oh boy! My friend is calling! This is so very exciting! Time to meet my friend and have a grand old time!"

You pick up the phone and try to sound as cool as you can. You can't have your friend know that you've written off all your plans for the day in case they happened to call. Unacceptable. You have to make them think that you totally forgot they were going to give you a ring today, you've just been so caught up with all your other friends (who are nowhere near as awesome and cool as you are) and your Popular Guy of the Month competitions (which you always win, brah!).

"Hello?"
"Hi, sonny boy!"
"AAAAARRRRGH! God damn it! Mom!"
"Oh...that's nice."
"No, no, I didn't mean it like that. I've just been waiting for another call."

It's like that whenever I get a raisin cookie. Yeah, we're back on raisins now. Chocolate chip is the friend I wanted to meet. Raisins are my mom. Even though they resemble my dad much more closely. I get the raisin cookie and it's like "AAAAARRGH......no, it's not really you, I just-, I was kind of hoping for someone else."

I feel kind of bad because raisins have never done anything malicious to me. I just don't like eating them. They're unpleasant. However, the Sun Maid is totally hot and I would enjoy sex with her. Bow chicka bow wow.



Author's note: If anyone is sore with me because I skipped the last two Fridays, fuck you. My blog, my rules, bitch!

Shitty Post-Grunge Vocals

Why is it that every time I switch to a radio station playing "today's best rock", I hear this voice? This forced, gravelly, piece of shit voice. There are entirely too many bands around with lead singers that sound like this and it needs to end as soon as possible. Today's best rock. Shit, man, I think we're in a rut.

The bands, as lined up in my little sound montage I spent way too much time on, are Nickelback, Theory of a Deadman, Seether, and Creed. I realize now that I wanted to put Hinder in as well but forgot. I think you get the idea though. They all sound the same. Creed's a little more distinct, but it's still the same basic voice.

When I was in college it was a known fact that nobody in my class liked Nickelback. Most people couldn't even name someone who actually did. It's a small sample, I know, but based on these results...nobody likes Nickelback + several bands that sound exactly the same dominating the airwaves = WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!

It's just shitty testosterone-rock, is all. It's the musical equivalent of a high school jock. This macho, balls-out, edgy bullshit with no real substance. The jock is not there to offer you any insight or enlightenment, he's there to look intimidating and get the job done (tackling scrawny kids). This mainstream post-grunge crap is there to sound manly and get the job done (sell records to complete fucking morons, wherever they are).

And the problem is that up and coming bands are recognizing that these bands are big and are imitating them in hopes of making it just as big. Theory of a Deadman made it big because their pseudo-Kroeger lead singer gave Chad Kroeger himself a demo tape and he subsequently signed them to his label. That must have been a hard sell. Chad would have looked quite the fool had he put down his headphones and said, "Well now, I don't know. You fellas have the exact same sound as us and your singer sounds exactly like me. However, I'm just not feeling it. Good luck in the future, guys."

How can someone who is garbage to begin with make decisions regarding other peoples' talent? In the end all it means is that there is more diarrhea on the radio. Enough Nickelback clones already and gimme someone that doesn't sound balls awful.

Prohibition

I feel there's a vibe going around about legalization. It seems like it's closer than ever. It's been all over the news lately from Michael Phelps smoking to California introducing a bill to tax and regulate. And with Obama in office I'd say it's far from out of the question.

With the economy in the shape it's in and the huge profit to the government that legalization would bring, now is a better time than ever. NORML, the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, recently had a contest to produce a commercial promoting legalization and this one was the winner.

Unfortunately NORML does not have the funds to put this commercial on television where it would be seen by many, many more people. If you believe in the legalization on marijuana I encourage you to donate to NORML Canada.

Marijuana was made illegal in the 30s because of racist lies and propaganda. It is 2009 and we are much smarter than that now. Keeping it illegal is senseless and needs to end now. Prohibition, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY OFFICE!



*Author's Note: The funny returns tomorrow, kids!

Smart Cars

I swear every time I see a Smart Car on the road I get a huge urge to crash into it as hard as I can. The Smart Car really is just a dumb vehicle bought by dumb people. How big of an asshole do you have to be to decide you want to drive a Micro Machine for the next little while?

I always think of how fun it would be to bonk into a Smart Car while driving. I picture them sliding all over the road, spinning around in little circles like when you used to hit oil slicks in NES games. I also imagine a descending slide whistle noise while this happens. They just seem like toys that would simply biff off a concrete wall and keep going on their way.

How can you possibly look cool driving a Smart Car? No matter what you always look like a fucking goof. Mr. 31-year-old financial advisor has childhood issues and still hasn't gotten over the day his mom told him he was too big for his Little Tikes car and sold it. So he buys a Smart Car and sucks his thumb and cries himself to sleep every night.

I mean really. It looks like it runs on double A batteries. I wish I had more problems with this car because I'm really stretching here. It's just dinky and stupid looking and I have great fun thinking up awesome ways to destroy them. Like parking it and then having two enormous dump trucks sandwich it on both sides at 80mph. Or drive like 30 of them into the Grand Canyon all at the same time so you just see all these little pieces of crap tumbling into the ravine. That's good stuff, man!

This coming from a guy that drove a Suzuki Swift for 5 years...

Acid: For Taking Dr. Seuss's Life

Today, March 2, 2009 would have been Dr. Seuss's 105th birthday had LSD not taken his life. So I present to you a brief history of Seuss's life as recounted by me in tribute.

Theodore Seuss Geisel (Dr. Seuss, dipshit), was born March 2, 1904 in the dank basement of an opium den in Springfield, Massachusetts. Growing up he was always kind of a pain in the ass. In the first week of kindergarten he broke into the art closet and dumped bottles of paint and sparkles all over himself, which then dripped onto the floor and they were never able to get it off.

In first grade, Teddy as he was now known, tried acid for the first time and proceeded to snip intricate geometric patterns into the classroom's curtains. He spent 8 weeks in detention and his parents paid for new curtains. During his incarceration in the principal's office Teddy started writing and lifting weights.

By college Teddy had completed a 2000 page epic that had been in the works since fifth grade. It was titled "Hathaway's Repentance" and critics agreed that it was better than Shakespeare and Dickens combined X 1000. However, they decided that the graphic sexual descriptions and Hathaway's gruesome suicide in the end made it too dangerous for the public and the manuscript was burned, remaining mostly unnoted in history.

This crushed Teddy and he began taking LSD on a daily basis, writing simple rhymes and drawing simple pictures. He grew a big beard and started wearing a top hat wherever he went. He had truly suffered a nervous breakdown after his big rejection and wanted repress the painful memories. He began referring to himself as Dr. Seuss and after 3 years of taking LSD daily and writing simple rhyming literature and drawing strange pictures, he began to get published.

His greatest recognition was perhaps during the late 50s/early 60s with such books as the Grinch, the Cat in the Hat, Yertle the Turtle, Green Eggs and Ham, and One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Dr. Seuss began touring the world, doing interviews, signing books, and he continued to write. Many say he looked very spacy around this time, his eyes always kind of lost in the distance.

In the late 60s he published "I Can Lick 30 Tigers Today! and Other Stories". This title is questionable to some elites in the Seuss community. They speculate that "tiger" was a slang term for a tab of LSD, used within Seuss's hippie circle of friends. This may very well be true as Seuss commented during a 1970 interview on Dutch television, "Everything is just fucking shimmering all the fucking time, man. You dig? It's like...bwaaaaa...shhhhhhhwwwooop...you know? Ah...man..." After which, he got very philosophical with the interviewer and spoke for 4 hours and 45 minutes about Hop on Pop.

In 1971 Seuss wrote "The Lorax", about a creature which had been appearing on a few of his trips. This was during the peak of his environmental hippie protester phase and he felt he had to indoctrinate children with his nutty logic.

Seuss continued writing through the 70s and the early 80s popping out such gems as The Shape of Me and Other Stuff, I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!, and Oh Say Can You Say? It was now very obvious to the world how severe Dr. Seuss's acid problem was. For years he had been writing silly rhymes and stories and drawing creatures and worlds that didn't exist and by this point he was drinking a pint of LSD with his toast each morning.

In 1990 he wrote the last of his books published before his death, "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" It was mostly gibberish and the usual colourful worlds. But god damn it, we loved it just the same.

In early 1991 Seuss's health had declined immensely. He lived alone and mostly lay on his couch making noises to himself. This continued until September 24, 1991 when a neighbor found Seuss dead in his bathroom, naked in a bathtub full of LSD. The great Dr. Seuss had finally cashed out and taken the big trip in the sky.

So today I say "FUCK YOU, LSD, FOR TAKING THE LIFE OF DR. SEUSS!!!" Acid is bad, folks. If you take it you will die. Look what happened to Dr. Seuss. Such a great man. So young, so young...

Say no to acid.

Food Fucks

Some of my past posts have clearly been trivial annoyances that are written more for comedic value than anything. But today I'm writing about Food Fucks and these are people that honest-to-goodness piss me off.

Food Fucks are people that won't shut the hell up about the food during eating times and 100% of the time they know your stomach better than you do. They know when you're hungry and they damn well know ALL of your personal food preferences. Finally, they know that everyone is aching to hear their advice.

Let me explain something. At meal time this is how a food offering should go down:

"Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?"
"Sure, this looks good!"
"Help yourself."
"Thanks!"

or

"Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?"
"No thanks, I'm fine for now."
"Suit yourself."

There is is. Is that so hard? Short, sweet, and to the point. A normal person would understand this. Food Fucks, on the other hand, try my short temper, offer sweet advice, and push me to the point of losing it. Now, a food offering with the Food Fuck:

"Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?"
"No thanks, I'm fine for now."
"Are you sure? There's lots here."
"Yeah, I'm not particularly hungry right now."
"You don't want some potatoes or some corn?"
"No, I'm fine."
"It's really gooood...."
"No thanks."

They just won't let it go. It's like they get peace of mind from knowing that you're chewing on something. What the fuck is the big fascination with food?! Look, if I said I wasn't hungry I probably felt there was no need to eat. It's a simple concept. I don't know why Food Fucks think I'll become hungry if they ask me if I'm sure 15-20 times or why they get some sort of self-relief when I eat.

With food it should come down to one golden rule of thumb: "You like it? YOU eat it!"

Food Fucks need to stop worrying about other peoples' stomachs and focus on their own. Go ahead and offer should you feel the need. Indeed I encourage you to offer. The planet has enough greedy people as it is and it's refreshing to see an act of kindness every now and then. But if you offer and I say no, LET IT GO! When you keep pestering me it becomes incredibly hard to ignore the thoughts of me harming you somehow. If I wanted to eat I'm pretty sure I'd have a fucking fork in my mouth right now, asshole.