Steven Tyler

Jesus fucking tap-dancing Christ. A while back I wrote a bit about Steven Tyler and Aerosmith which I'm not even going to link to because I just re-read it and it's fucking awful. Basically I stood up for him the band, but now...I just don't understand why,

Steven Tyler has joined American fucking Idol. Somebody shoot me now.

I know Tyler's been clean (well, for the most part) since the mid-eighties but I still kind of think (or thought?) of him as a take-it-to-the-limit rock star who's been through the shit. But every time he's big in the news these days I find that image of him fading bit by bit.

American Idol?! Are you fucking kidding me?! What happened?! This guy went from being quite literally carried onto the stage due to being so completely loaded/tweaked (true rock star) to critiquing 16 year old girls' voices on a bullshit television show (true pussy).

Why are our rock stars getting so fucking soft?! Bret Michaels, Ozzy Osbourne, Alice Cooper, Ronnie Wood, Gene Simmons...they've all got their own fucking little TV or radio shows now and it's all a bunch of crap! These people used to be about putting on a fucking show and being total badasses. They've traded whiskey and cocaine and "I don't give a fuck what the establishment thinks" for ratings and stylists and "What do I have to do to make people still like me?"

And I know Tyler's going to sit there on the Idol judge's panel every week with a stupid hat on his head and a bunch of rings on his hands that some image consultant picked out for him and the rest of them will banter and joke about his Aerosmith career. All in good taste, as per the producers' wishes.

When did rock and roll slip from the hands of the musicians and into the hands of PC marketing assholes?

The age old question: why is Steven Tyler's mouth so big? He knew that one day he'd have to fit six or seven Fox executive cocks in there all at once.

Stupid joke. Stupid show. Stupid everything. Fuck this noise.

Haiku

I'm going to dive right into the meat of things:

Fuck you, Haiku! You're not real poetry!

I had to learn this Haiku crap in school and I could never understand it. I mean, I understood how to do it, but I could never understand why this was considered poetry.

It's like reading something from a fortune cookie, but instead of telling you "Good things will come your way" the writer just wanted to be cryptic and confuse the hell out of you.

A poem is supposed to be descriptive and flowing. Haikus are just a few random words that happen to fit the mathematical syllabic scheme. I've got a good poem:

Please blow me, Haiku
Five, seven, five is stupid
Rot in hell, jerkoff.

Limericks are way better anyway.

I once fucked a chick named Gertie
Her age was a hundred and thirty
I wrote a Haiku
She told me it blew
Lim'ricks are fun 'cause they're dirty

You know what? Fuck poetry altogether.

With a few exceptions, poetry is just some guy or girl stringing together a bunch of big, descriptive words so that they sound intellectual. Fuck these people who think they're poets just because they have a vocabulary. Their poems are total nonsense and if you call them on it, they just say you're interpreting it wrong or you don't get it.

Anyway, back to Haiku. The Japanese are probably laughing at us North Americans. They probably know that Haiku is a bunch of bull and they're just pretending to take it seriously as a goof because they know that idiots on this side of the world will think that because it's foreign it's worldly and exotic and cultural and sophisticated. And god knows we've got enough people over here who wear kimonos on a regular basis thinking they're the bee's knees because they're "worldly and exotic." Even though they've never left the country.

So fuck you, Haiku! Come back when your so called "poem" can incorporate more than just a handful of words!

Yahoo! and Their Increasingly Stupid Featured Stories

We are so fucked.

I don't know how many of you visit Yahoo!'s homepage on a regular basis, but at this point I'm ready to recommend that everyone avoid it in the name of sparing yourself a few IQ points.

For those who haven't yet fallen victim to Yahoo!'s idiocy, the basic idea behind Yahoo! Featured Stories is that every day they display a handful of stories on their homepage that are supposed to interest visitors.

The first bout of elevated blood pressure came a long while back when I was under the impression that the Featured Stories were supposed to reflect important things that were happening in the news headlines. For a while I got upset that they were constantly linking to stupid shit like weight loss tips and celebrity gossip. But as time passed I came to realize that "Featured Stories" did not necessarily mean "News Stories". The Features were just meant to appeal to what (moron) readers might be interested in.

So I let it go. Although I still stood in awe of the types of articles Yahoo! assumed it's readers would be interested in. And it scared me a little because Yahoo! wouldn't put them up if there weren't some basis in fact (Yahoo!'s readers must be dim-witted trailer trash).

However, tonight takes the cake. Even with my knowledge that the Featured Stories aren't supposed to reflect the world's most pressing affairs, I'm having a hard time letting this one slide:

http://ca.sports.yahoo.com/mlb/blog/big_league_stew/post/Worst-date-ever-Boyfriend-bails-as-foul-ball-hi?urn=mlb-261442

I don't know exactly how long that link will work for, so if you happen to be reading this and it's no longer working, the basic premise is that a guy took his girlfriend to a baseball game, someone hit a foul ball into the stands, he ducked out of the way and she got hit with the ball. And they actually wrote up a whole fucking article going on about "chivalry is dead" as well as...well, basically a whole fuckload of NOTHING!

This is the kind of crap I'd expect to see written by a 7 year old in a family newsletter. "Extra! Extra! My sister got hit with a baseball at the family reunion!"
And the parents would be so proud that their daughter is becoming quite the little journalist.

But not a "reputable" (chortle!) source like Yahoo!.

I guess the main question I'm asking myself is...hmmm...let me think....oh yeah! "WHO GIVES A FUCK?!" Some meaningless everyday event is now front page because some guy didn't act the way society expects him to act. He didn't save the princess. Holy jumping fucking shitballs, let's get The View on the phone. This is a 5-part episode for them! This is a goldmine! Now a bunch of brain-dead white trash gossips can spend a whole week shrieking about this new addition on their ever-expanding list of "Bullshit That Doesn't Matter Yet Somehow Draws Ratings"

Why is this a fucking story?! Wait...hold on a second....I think...yeah...yeah, I've got it!

This is NOT a story and those slimy fucks at Yahoo! know it! This is a tactic, my dear Watson! This is a clever marketing trick (God, please let it be). Yahoo! knows this story is a big pile of horseshit and they're counting on visitors to think the same thing. They're counting on people like me to drop by, read the headline, and say, "No fucking way is this a story" and then click the link to read "the dumb shit other people are obsessed with" out of sheer curiousity.

That's what this is! A story so dumb it lures in and traps the smart people. The old switcheroo! The hidden ball trick! The electric hand buzzer (I don't know, help me out here)!

Please let it be. Marketing and advertising people are the most useless fuckers on Earth as far as I'm concerned but I'd much rather be tricked by them this one time than to know this story is for real and the human race has officially begun de-evolution.


Oh, by the way, fuck both the guy and his girlfriend for going to a boring baseball game in the first place.

GTFOMO Shitstorm: These Fucking Pussies!

Well, it's been a little while since I've rolled through these parts so I'm going on a tirade tonight. And the subject? Basically anything and everything to do with these soft, whining, bubble-world, wimps who are multipying daily, pissing and moaning about stupid shit*, and more or less sucking the remaining joy out of the lives of people like me who like to have a little fun.

So let's begin.

MADD

And FADD, which I haven't actually looked up, but I can only assume stands for Fascists Against Drunk Driving, based on the behaviour of the other group.

Will you people give it a fucking rest already? Aren't you tea-total-tuckered out yet?

How many more lives do you have to ruin with your Draconian laws and ridiculous alcohol limits? I bit my tongue and didn't say anything when Ontario lowered the "busted" limit from .08 to .05. It was hard, but I did it. Mainly because I've been .08 and .08 is not anywhere near drunk, folks. The fact that they wanted to lower it more and then did is just dumb.

And people won't stand up and argue with this because they're afraid to be labelled as some heartless asshole who's in favour of drunk driving. You might be reading this thinking that's what I am. I'm not. I think drunk driving is risky behaviour, selfish, and I don't encourage or do it at all.

But you have to be real. There's a difference between driving completely shithoused and driving a little loose. A few beers over the course of an evening is not going to make you some terror on the highway. But right now some poor, nearly-sober guy's life is being ruined so some fat bitch can sit in an office and gab about how she's making the streets safer and the world better.

And don't give me that crap about "with every sip your reaction time is slower." Who cares? 99% of the time you spend on the road you're not engaging in split-second reactionary moves anyway. And if you are and you've had a couple...hey, there's still a chance you'll be quick enough. But if not, facts are facts, accidents happen, and you should have learned by this stage that life is full of them. Don't go punishing everyone because of one unfortunate moron.

So get off your tea-totalling high horse and shut the fuck up already.

Miss Perfect Lungs

While we're on vices, I was going to rip on these "designated-smoking-area-certain-distance-from-building-entrances" crybabies who are worried about getting a little breath of secondary smoke here and there, yet are living in a smoggy metropolis shithole...but that's old news here.

Grow a pair.

Purell, Lysol Wipes, and Other Secret Weapons of the Germophobe

I am sick and tired of these Fucking. Purell. People. I've held my tongue for long enough on this one too, but my office has gone off the tracks again. Ever since swine flu came tearing through, we've had a number of permanent Purell dispensers installed all over the building. I was able to calmly ignore them until recently when somebody here crossed the line and decided it would be a brilliant idea to put a second dispenser in a bathroom that's slightly bigger than a closet.

We now have one Purell dispenser right next to the sink and a new one right next to the toilet. Words escape me. And the people who are constantly rubbing this stuff all over their hands are the one's telling me I'm paranoid because I question my government.

And why is everyone always wiping everything down with these disinfectant cloths? These cloths claim to kill 99% of germs yet they never seem to wipe out the most dangerous germ of all: the one holding the damn cloth.

Why are co-workers telling me "I've got a bit of a cold. You might want to wipe the area off" and then handing me a cannister of wipes? Fuck that. Give me your cold germs. I won't die. And my immune system will be stonger as a result. These people think they're staying healthy by wiping everything off and rubbing alcohol all over themselves. We'll see who's healthy when some wimpy little virus fucking destroys you because your immune system's retired and gone to Florida on account of the "lack of work to be done around the office".

Me, on the other hand, I'll be the one who gets cancer 27 times and doesn't miss a day of work because I've spent my life NOT being a pussy who lives in a completely sterile environment, gulping down medication cocktails every time I get the sniffles.

I'll have built up an immune system so strong it would give Superman a hard-on and have the CIA visiting me, hoping to exploit it for international warfare purposes. I'll be going places. Meanwhile, half my office is walking around with 10-gallon jugs of pink disinfectant belted on to their sides, picking up file folders with barbecue tongs.

Parents Who Won't Discipline Their Little Hell-Raisers

I was either brought up during the last glimmer of sensible parenting in this country or my parents were old fashioned. And I'm pretty sure they were just old fashioned. My dad especially.

I was spanked as a kid. And yeah, it fucking hurt. Now, as a man in his mid-twenties, I'm damn glad my parents did it. I learned right from wrong pretty damn quick when my dad grabbed my arm and raised his hand, aiming for a good, solid strike. It was good for me. Kept me in line. Hell, my old man went easy on me. He used his hand. He could have been REALLY old fashioned and given me the old leather belt. Either way, a spanking meant I did something pretty bad and a red ass taught me never to do it again.

Fast forward to today when you can't even wag a finger at your kid without some dipshit calling Child Protection Services. Everyone's bought into this soft "discipline" like time out. Or sitting down and writing your problems on a paper to relieve the stress. Bullshit!

Fuck these "experts" who have turned each child into a special, fragile, little gem. Because of these idiot talking heads on garbage shows like Dr. Phil and The View and Oprah, and all these other daytime shows for brain-dead white trash we now have a population of parents walking around with this mindset:

(from Yahoo! Answers, the hopeless toilet bowl of the internet)
Question: Do you spank your kids in public or have you been spanked in public?

Voted best answer: When I was a child I remember my Mom spanking us in public, yelling at us in public, or griping at us for doing something wrong in front of other people, but not so much our Dad. He would usually not have to do much but raise his voice a little to scare the living daylights out of us, and I only remember him starting to spank me 1 time, in all my life, when I was about 6 years old, maybe! I ran outside yelling that my tummy was "killing me" and he said, "well, you better be good then, so I won't have to spank you, and that was the end of it"!!

But I never spanked or disicplined my own child in public places-- I remembered how humiliated I always felt with everyone looking at me when my Mom was yelling at me--I never wanted my son to go through that-- I always waited until we were alone to talk to him, or if necessary, I would remove him from an activity and take him aside to talk to him and leave with him to discipline him if needed, then allow him time to calm down before bringing him back!!

I feel it damages a young childs self-esteem to disicpline them in public and/or in front of their peers!!

This, folks, is a prime example of someone who just doesn't get it. You never wanted to put your son through that?! Putting your son through that would teach him pretty quickly that acting like a little shit in public = massive humiliation. Therefore, don't act like a little shit in public. Or in private for that matter.

You feel it damages a child's self-esteem, yada, yada, yada?! Good. Let's have your punk kid become one of those 12-year-old little bastards that think so highly of themselves and goes around telling every adult stranger they meet to go fuck themselves. That's exactly what the world needs more of. More pre-teen gangstas and hos who think they're entitled to the world.

Any discipline that's not actual discipline automatically traumatizes a child and damages them for life in the minds of these "parents". Well, hey, the way I see it, you could give your kid a couple of good smacks to straighten them out quickly or you could resort to "time out" and have your kid grow up to be a self-centred asshole who doesn't understand the word "No", treat people like shit, think they deserve everything, and, well, become like every rich, white politician this country has to offer.

And I'm not even necessarily saying "hit your kids", but when your little terror is running around the grocery store punching everyone in the balls, fucking do something!

Fuck these brats and their dipshit parents.

"The Customer is Always Right" and Other Business Strategies That Turn Customers Into Pricks

Sigh. Let's hear it for the almighty dollar once again.

Here's the basic premise: Some idiot business owner values profit more than his dignity so he stops at nothing to pamper a bunch of demanding asses to no end in order to please them and drive up business.

Now, I don't have a problem with helping people out. Quite the opposite. Despite my tone and style on here, I'm actually a very pleasant and helpful guy. But, as always, some people just take it too fucking far.

This customer service mindset of all these business owners has created a society of people who think they're kings and queens every time they shop for something. The box has a dent in it so they demand a discount. Or coupons. Or a freebie. The meal didn't satisfy them so they they want it on the house. GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

These businesses comply because they're worried about damaging their reputation and losing sales so they basically suck every irate customer's cock. What ever happened to guys like the Soup Nazi? Don't like it? Get the fuck out! Guys with dignity and pride in their business who wouldn't let people walk all over them. Everyone these days is running around in a Best Buy uniform apologizing to everyone else.

When the video store is out of the movie I'm looking for, I don't demand discounts, free rentals, coupons, or declare that I'm never coming back. The movies are gone, tough beans, better luck next time. What is so hard to grasp about that? Life isn't always fair. Suck it up and stop being such an arrogant, demanding shit.



*I can see the irony of using this phrase, but when I do it, it matters and I'm always right. So blow me.