Get the Fuck Outta My Office!

Steven Tyler

2010-08-19T21:47:00.004-04:00

Jesus fucking tap-dancing Christ. A while back I wrote a bit about Steven Tyler and Aerosmith which I'm not even going to link to because I just re-read it and it's fucking awful. Basically I stood up for him the band, but now...I just don't understand why,

Steven Tyler has joined American fucking Idol. Somebody shoot me now.

I know Tyler's been clean (well, for the most part) since the mid-eighties but I still kind of think (or thought?) of him as a take-it-to-the-limit rock star who's been through the shit. But every time he's big in the news these days I find that image of him fading bit by bit.

American Idol?! Are you fucking kidding me?! What happened?! This guy went from being quite literally carried onto the stage due to being so completely loaded/tweaked (true rock star) to critiquing 16 year old girls' voices on a bullshit television show (true pussy).

Why are our rock stars getting so fucking soft?! Bret Michaels, Ozzy Osbourne, Alice Cooper, Ronnie Wood, Gene Simmons...they've all got their own fucking little TV or radio shows now and it's all a bunch of crap! These people used to be about putting on a fucking show and being total badasses. They've traded whiskey and cocaine and "I don't give a fuck what the establishment thinks" for ratings and stylists and "What do I have to do to make people still like me?"

And I know Tyler's going to sit there on the Idol judge's panel every week with a stupid hat on his head and a bunch of rings on his hands that some image consultant picked out for him and the rest of them will banter and joke about his Aerosmith career. All in good taste, as per the producers' wishes.

When did rock and roll slip from the hands of the musicians and into the hands of PC marketing assholes?

The age old question: why is Steven Tyler's mouth so big? He knew that one day he'd have to fit six or seven Fox executive cocks in there all at once.

Stupid joke. Stupid show. Stupid everything. Fuck this noise.

Haiku

2010-08-12T23:13:00.004-04:00

I'm going to dive right into the meat of things:

Fuck you, Haiku! You're not real poetry!

I had to learn this Haiku crap in school and I could never understand it. I mean, I understood how to do it, but I could never understand why this was considered poetry.

It's like reading something from a fortune cookie, but instead of telling you "Good things will come your way" the writer just wanted to be cryptic and confuse the hell out of you.

A poem is supposed to be descriptive and flowing. Haikus are just a few random words that happen to fit the mathematical syllabic scheme. I've got a good poem:

Please blow me, Haiku
Five, seven, five is stupid
Rot in hell, jerkoff.

Limericks are way better anyway.

I once fucked a chick named Gertie
Her age was a hundred and thirty
I wrote a Haiku
She told me it blew
Lim'ricks are fun 'cause they're dirty

You know what? Fuck poetry altogether.

With a few exceptions, poetry is just some guy or girl stringing together a bunch of big, descriptive words so that they sound intellectual. Fuck these people who think they're poets just because they have a vocabulary. Their poems are total nonsense and if you call them on it, they just say you're interpreting it wrong or you don't get it.

Anyway, back to Haiku. The Japanese are probably laughing at us North Americans. They probably know that Haiku is a bunch of bull and they're just pretending to take it seriously as a goof because they know that idiots on this side of the world will think that because it's foreign it's worldly and exotic and cultural and sophisticated. And god knows we've got enough people over here who wear kimonos on a regular basis thinking they're the bee's knees because they're "worldly and exotic." Even though they've never left the country.

So fuck you, Haiku! Come back when your so called "poem" can incorporate more than just a handful of words!

Yahoo! and Their Increasingly Stupid Featured Stories

2010-08-11T00:21:00.004-04:00

We are so fucked.

I don't know how many of you visit Yahoo!'s homepage on a regular basis, but at this point I'm ready to recommend that everyone avoid it in the name of sparing yourself a few IQ points.

For those who haven't yet fallen victim to Yahoo!'s idiocy, the basic idea behind Yahoo! Featured Stories is that every day they display a handful of stories on their homepage that are supposed to interest visitors.

The first bout of elevated blood pressure came a long while back when I was under the impression that the Featured Stories were supposed to reflect important things that were happening in the news headlines. For a while I got upset that they were constantly linking to stupid shit like weight loss tips and celebrity gossip. But as time passed I came to realize that "Featured Stories" did not necessarily mean "News Stories". The Features were just meant to appeal to what (moron) readers might be interested in.

So I let it go. Although I still stood in awe of the types of articles Yahoo! assumed it's readers would be interested in. And it scared me a little because Yahoo! wouldn't put them up if there weren't some basis in fact (Yahoo!'s readers must be dim-witted trailer trash).

However, tonight takes the cake. Even with my knowledge that the Featured Stories aren't supposed to reflect the world's most pressing affairs, I'm having a hard time letting this one slide:

http://ca.sports.yahoo.com/mlb/blog/big_league_stew/post/Worst-date-ever-Boyfriend-bails-as-foul-ball-hi?urn=mlb-261442

I don't know exactly how long that link will work for, so if you happen to be reading this and it's no longer working, the basic premise is that a guy took his girlfriend to a baseball game, someone hit a foul ball into the stands, he ducked out of the way and she got hit with the ball. And they actually wrote up a whole fucking article going on about "chivalry is dead" as well as...well, basically a whole fuckload of NOTHING!

This is the kind of crap I'd expect to see written by a 7 year old in a family newsletter. "Extra! Extra! My sister got hit with a baseball at the family reunion!"
And the parents would be so proud that their daughter is becoming quite the little journalist.

But not a "reputable" (chortle!) source like Yahoo!.

I guess the main question I'm asking myself is...hmmm...let me think....oh yeah! "WHO GIVES A FUCK?!" Some meaningless everyday event is now front page because some guy didn't act the way society expects him to act. He didn't save the princess. Holy jumping fucking shitballs, let's get The View on the phone. This is a 5-part episode for them! This is a goldmine! Now a bunch of brain-dead white trash gossips can spend a whole week shrieking about this new addition on their ever-expanding list of "Bullshit That Doesn't Matter Yet Somehow Draws Ratings"

Why is this a fucking story?! Wait...hold on a second....I think...yeah...yeah, I've got it!

This is NOT a story and those slimy fucks at Yahoo! know it! This is a tactic, my dear Watson! This is a clever marketing trick (God, please let it be). Yahoo! knows this story is a big pile of horseshit and they're counting on visitors to think the same thing. They're counting on people like me to drop by, read the headline, and say, "No fucking way is this a story" and then click the link to read "the dumb shit other people are obsessed with" out of sheer curiousity.

That's what this is! A story so dumb it lures in and traps the smart people. The old switcheroo! The hidden ball trick! The electric hand buzzer (I don't know, help me out here)!

Please let it be. Marketing and advertising people are the most useless fuckers on Earth as far as I'm concerned but I'd much rather be tricked by them this one time than to know this story is for real and the human race has officially begun de-evolution.

Oh, by the way, fuck both the guy and his girlfriend for going to a boring baseball game in the first place.

GTFOMO Shitstorm: These Fucking Pussies!

2010-08-09T23:00:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been a little while since I've rolled through these parts so I'm going on a tirade tonight. And the subject? Basically anything and everything to do with these soft, whining, bubble-world, wimps who are multipying daily, pissing and moaning about stupid shit*, and more or less sucking the remaining joy out of the lives of people like me who like to have a little fun.

So let's begin.

MADD

And FADD, which I haven't actually looked up, but I can only assume stands for Fascists Against Drunk Driving, based on the behaviour of the other group.

Will you people give it a fucking rest already? Aren't you tea-total-tuckered out yet?

How many more lives do you have to ruin with your Draconian laws and ridiculous alcohol limits? I bit my tongue and didn't say anything when Ontario lowered the "busted" limit from .08 to .05. It was hard, but I did it. Mainly because I've been .08 and .08 is not anywhere near drunk, folks. The fact that they wanted to lower it more and then did is just dumb.

And people won't stand up and argue with this because they're afraid to be labelled as some heartless asshole who's in favour of drunk driving. You might be reading this thinking that's what I am. I'm not. I think drunk driving is risky behaviour, selfish, and I don't encourage or do it at all.

But you have to be real. There's a difference between driving completely shithoused and driving a little loose. A few beers over the course of an evening is not going to make you some terror on the highway. But right now some poor, nearly-sober guy's life is being ruined so some fat bitch can sit in an office and gab about how she's making the streets safer and the world better.

And don't give me that crap about "with every sip your reaction time is slower." Who cares? 99% of the time you spend on the road you're not engaging in split-second reactionary moves anyway. And if you are and you've had a couple...hey, there's still a chance you'll be quick enough. But if not, facts are facts, accidents happen, and you should have learned by this stage that life is full of them. Don't go punishing everyone because of one unfortunate moron.

So get off your tea-totalling high horse and shut the fuck up already.

Miss Perfect Lungs

While we're on vices, I was going to rip on these "designated-smoking-area-certain-distance-from-building-entrances" crybabies who are worried about getting a little breath of secondary smoke here and there, yet are living in a smoggy metropolis shithole...but that's old news here.

Grow a pair.

Purell, Lysol Wipes, and Other Secret Weapons of the Germophobe

I am sick and tired of these Fucking. Purell. People. I've held my tongue for long enough on this one too, but my office has gone off the tracks again. Ever since swine flu came tearing through, we've had a number of permanent Purell dispensers installed all over the building. I was able to calmly ignore them until recently when somebody here crossed the line and decided it would be a brilliant idea to put a second dispenser in a bathroom that's slightly bigger than a closet.

We now have one Purell dispenser right next to the sink and a new one right next to the toilet. Words escape me. And the people who are constantly rubbing this stuff all over their hands are the one's telling me I'm paranoid because I question my government.

And why is everyone always wiping everything down with these disinfectant cloths? These cloths claim to kill 99% of germs yet they never seem to wipe out the most dangerous germ of all: the one holding the damn cloth.

Why are co-workers telling me "I've got a bit of a cold. You might want to wipe the area off" and then handing me a cannister of wipes? Fuck that. Give me your cold germs. I won't die. And my immune system will be stonger as a result. These people think they're staying healthy by wiping everything off and rubbing alcohol all over themselves. We'll see who's healthy when some wimpy little virus fucking destroys you because your immune system's retired and gone to Florida on account of the "lack of work to be done around the office".

Me, on the other hand, I'll be the one who gets cancer 27 times and doesn't miss a day of work because I've spent my life NOT being a pussy who lives in a completely sterile environment, gulping down medication cocktails every time I get the sniffles.

I'll have built up an immune system so strong it would give Superman a hard-on and have the CIA visiting me, hoping to exploit it for international warfare purposes. I'll be going places. Meanwhile, half my office is walking around with 10-gallon jugs of pink disinfectant belted on to their sides, picking up file folders with barbecue tongs.

Parents Who Won't Discipline Their Little Hell-Raisers

I was either brought up during the last glimmer of sensible parenting in this country or my parents were old fashioned. And I'm pretty sure they were just old fashioned. My dad especially.

I was spanked as a kid. And yeah, it fucking hurt. Now, as a man in his mid-twenties, I'm damn glad my parents did it. I learned right from wrong pretty damn quick when my dad grabbed my arm and raised his hand, aiming for a good, solid strike. It was good for me. Kept me in line. Hell, my old man went easy on me. He used his hand. He could have been REALLY old fashioned and given me the old leather belt. Either way, a spanking meant I did something pretty bad and a red ass taught me never to do it again.

Fast forward to today when you can't even wag a finger at your kid without some dipshit calling Child Protection Services. Everyone's bought into this soft "discipline" like time out. Or sitting down and writing your problems on a paper to relieve the stress. Bullshit!

Fuck these "experts" who have turned each child into a special, fragile, little gem. Because of these idiot talking heads on garbage shows like Dr. Phil and The View and Oprah, and all these other daytime shows for brain-dead white trash we now have a population of parents walking around with this mindset:

(from Yahoo! Answers, the hopeless toilet bowl of the internet)
Question: Do you spank your kids in public or have you been spanked in public?

Voted best answer: When I was a child I remember my Mom spanking us in public, yelling at us in public, or griping at us for doing something wrong in front of other people, but not so much our Dad. He would usually not have to do much but raise his voice a little to scare the living daylights out of us, and I only remember him starting to spank me 1 time, in all my life, when I was about 6 years old, maybe! I ran outside yelling that my tummy was "killing me" and he said, "well, you better be good then, so I won't have to spank you, and that was the end of it"!!

But I never spanked or disicplined my own child in public places-- I remembered how humiliated I always felt with everyone looking at me when my Mom was yelling at me--I never wanted my son to go through that-- I always waited until we were alone to talk to him, or if necessary, I would remove him from an activity and take him aside to talk to him and leave with him to discipline him if needed, then allow him time to calm down before bringing him back!!

I feel it damages a young childs self-esteem to disicpline them in public and/or in front of their peers!!

This, folks, is a prime example of someone who just doesn't get it. You never wanted to put your son through that?! Putting your son through that would teach him pretty quickly that acting like a little shit in public = massive humiliation. Therefore, don't act like a little shit in public. Or in private for that matter.

You feel it damages a child's self-esteem, yada, yada, yada?! Good. Let's have your punk kid become one of those 12-year-old little bastards that think so highly of themselves and goes around telling every adult stranger they meet to go fuck themselves. That's exactly what the world needs more of. More pre-teen gangstas and hos who think they're entitled to the world.

Any discipline that's not actual discipline automatically traumatizes a child and damages them for life in the minds of these "parents". Well, hey, the way I see it, you could give your kid a couple of good smacks to straighten them out quickly or you could resort to "time out" and have your kid grow up to be a self-centred asshole who doesn't understand the word "No", treat people like shit, think they deserve everything, and, well, become like every rich, white politician this country has to offer.

And I'm not even necessarily saying "hit your kids", but when your little terror is running around the grocery store punching everyone in the balls, fucking do something!

Fuck these brats and their dipshit parents.

"The Customer is Always Right" and Other Business Strategies That Turn Customers Into Pricks

Sigh. Let's hear it for the almighty dollar once again.

Here's the basic premise: Some idiot business owner values profit more than his dignity so he stops at nothing to pamper a bunch of demanding asses to no end in order to please them and drive up business.

Now, I don't have a problem with helping people out. Quite the opposite. Despite my tone and style on here, I'm actually a very pleasant and helpful guy. But, as always, some people just take it too fucking far.

This customer service mindset of all these business owners has created a society of people who think they're kings and queens every time they shop for something. The box has a dent in it so they demand a discount. Or coupons. Or a freebie. The meal didn't satisfy them so they they want it on the house. GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

These businesses comply because they're worried about damaging their reputation and losing sales so they basically suck every irate customer's cock. What ever happened to guys like the Soup Nazi? Don't like it? Get the fuck out! Guys with dignity and pride in their business who wouldn't let people walk all over them. Everyone these days is running around in a Best Buy uniform apologizing to everyone else.

When the video store is out of the movie I'm looking for, I don't demand discounts, free rentals, coupons, or declare that I'm never coming back. The movies are gone, tough beans, better luck next time. What is so hard to grasp about that? Life isn't always fair. Suck it up and stop being such an arrogant, demanding shit.

*I can see the irony of using this phrase, but when I do it, it matters and I'm always right. So blow me.

Black Licorice

2010-07-28T13:35:00.004-04:00

My parents were good parents, but clearly they fucked up when it came to teaching me about the delicate subject of licorice. I'm in my mid 20s now and I still desperately want to believe that licorice is supposed to be red, not black, even though I know I'm wrong. My mom probably fed me a little piece of red licorice when I was three years old and ever since that day my head ain't been quite right.

Let's cut to the chase. Black licorice is shit. All black candies are. Licorice, jelly beans, ju-jubes, gum drops, Colgate Total, you all suck. Black is the colour of death and that's precisely what you taste like. Among other things such as ass, taint, nutsack, and anything else in or around the nether-regions.

Plus, have you ever seen someone after they've eaten a black candy? They look like a ghoul! They've got blue-ish black stains on their teeth and little drops of black juice in the corners of their mouth. It's fucking frightening. They always look like they're about to eat my skin with their black-candy-loving Vampiro fangs.

And are you one of those poor black-candy-loathing pricks like I am who has been in the unfortunate situation where you don't know if the candy you're about to eat is dark purple or black? So you man up and eat it? And it turns out to be black? That fucking sucks! And you almost swear off feeding the gumball machine quarters every time you go shopping.

Also, shame on anyone who actually likes those disgusting assorted licorice candies. Or those Hershey "Goodies".

I will see you and your damn black candies in hell.

Lady Gaga, LeBron James, Justin Bieber, the Cast of Jersey Shore, and TV News

2010-07-13T11:21:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I made the huge mistake of turning on the TV. I don't watch television very often, the main reason being that I usually find myself dialing the suicide hotline after a minute or two. I honestly can't figure out how the average person watches between 3 and 8 hours of this parade of shit EVERY DAY! As one of my heroes George Carlin once said, "I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!" So let's begin.

Lady Gaga: Please! Please! Stop writing news articles for every fucking little thing this bitch does! I don't care! I don't! She's just another singer with shitty "music". If you're into this whole Gaga thing, I'm truly asking you to tell me what everyone's so hyped about because I truly don't get it. I just want to have some grasp on what everyone likes about this cunt so I can complain appropriately. I just don't get it at all, though.

Do people find her hot? Is it the whole man/woman thing? I'm so utterly out of touch with youth values and interests. Surely it can't be the music. Whatever it is, stop reporting on and talking about her! She's just another mediocre hack.

Justin Bieber: Speaking of hacks. Is this little shit supposed to be the new voice of the youth or something? First of all his haircut looks like a homosexual cat got run over and turned into a wig and I don't know why everyone's so gaga over it (aaaw, sheet!). Second of all, make songs that aren't total balls or go back to Stratford.

LeBron James: Following sports stars is for fat, middle-aged, sales reps who have pissed half their life away working for the same boss who doesn't appreciate them. They own small, affordable sports cars and have wisps of gray in their hair and they need something, anything to distract them from how shitty their own lives are. They're under the impression that televised sports actually matter and dedicate their lives to a team. Soon they become sports experts and annoy the hell out of people like me, who are right about everything.

The Cast of Jersey Shore: Personally, I can't wait until "The Situation" and Snooki are old and fat and look like a couple of leather purses. Or maybe they won't make it to old age. Maybe they'll all die from "drama overdose". Maybe one of them will have a heart attack because somebody told them their tan was uneven. Maybe a couple of them will fall into a well and die of starvation because they can't think straight without their hair product and 300 dollar shirts.

I say we pull funding for their rinky-dink little show and pump it into the education system. What an ironic little twist that would be.

TV News: I actually find it kind of cute that you guys still take yourselves seriously. That's so adorable! I think it's so cutting edge of you to form your business model around the old "if a thousand monkeys" theory. If you keep jabbering on 24 hours of the day, eventually you'll say something intelligent and relevant to something.

And your on-screen graphics? Those scrolling tickers and the everlasting stock market window? Your holograms and your word clouds? Man, you guys just must have so much information you're just bursting at the seams! You just need a way to get it all out there!

I simply love your casual little banter and joking between anchors too! You guys are so down to earth, just like me! I can totally see that you guys aren't the uptight news snobs I thought you were. We're all just having fun, but staying informed at the same time as one big family!

Hahaha, I defs LOVE you guys, but...go fuck yourselves, lol!

My solution? Guillotine all of these people and everyone under the age of 20. The heads can be auctioned off to those "hip grandmother" types who still connect with today's youth and want Lady Gaga's head. We then guillotine those people and use their heads as soccer balls in the next FIFA "spectacle". We then guillotine all the FIFA players and hire the heads as the new anchors for Fox News, where nothing will really change.

Fox News will then recommend we guillotine everyone to prevent terrorism and America will agree because "how many planes have you seen crash into buildings since everyone was guillotined? See? It's working."

Now I don't know what's more stupid: this entry or the very people I'm complaining about.

IT'S OVER!!!!!

2010-07-11T15:09:00.003-04:00

If they announced today that the wars in the middle east are officially over as of midnight, I probably wouldn't be as excited and relieved as I am now. Okay, I would, but you get the point. Anyway, FIFA 2010 is ending! The last game is underway! The end of this long highway of bullshit is on the horizon!

For a month I've had to listen to trivial crap about NOTHING until it was ultimately drowned out by vuvuzelas. I've had to listen to endless stats about players I don't care about, teams I don't care about, and a game I don't care about.

For a month I've had to watch Coca-Cola's bullshit advertising with dancing Africans happily gulping down that sugary crap. I've had to watch a bunch of pricks placing bets based on what a FUCKING OCTOPUS tells them.

For a month I've had to put up with brain-dead people shouting "Gooooooooooaaaaaall!"

Basically, for a month I haven't taken a solid shit.

And now the last game is underway! I don't give a rat's ass who wins! I'm actually crossing my fingers, hoping a giant asteroid will fall from the sky and land directly on the stadium with 20 seconds left in the game!

I'm giving everyone one grace day and only one. I know tomorrow everyone from your average Joes to your news networks to your Daily Shows will have to talk about the "big win". So I'm granting ONE day to get your ya-yas out.

After that I don't want to hear "soccer", "Fifa", "Gooooaaal", or "Al Gore" ever again. Thank you.

Bros With the Doors Taken Off Their Jeeps

2010-07-10T18:21:00.002-04:00

OMG, look at you!

The hot weather's here and it's time to bring your A-game! You're going to tell the world you're SO all about summer! You've just been hibernating for the last several months, simply aching for that day when you can remove the doors from your Jeep so everyone will know that sunshine and tasty waves coarse through your veins.

Canada? Who said anything about Canada? In your mind you're cruising the streets of Malibu whistling at the honeys. Only you don't have time to stop. There are shirts to wear unbuttoned, patios to sit on, Natty Ice's to sip. You're a fun-loving bro on the go!

So get your damn flip-flops on, Kevin. The party-mobile has Blink 182's "Dammit" ready to go at full blast and it's setting sail in 5 minutes! You're going to totally break Rule 115 of the Bro Code if you're not on it.

And let's not forget to stick our arms out the side and drum on the roof along with the music so other people driving can see we're listening to something really awesome. Coolness is at stake here, people! We need to blatantly display how chill we are as often as possible!

To the untrained eye, we may look like just a bunch of douchebags driving around suburbia in a Jeep, but actually the fact that the doors are off means we're on a safari! A good old-fashioned poon safari! But again...no time to stop. Too much bro stuff to do. Otherwise we'd totally hit that.

Summer! High-five, Kevin! If only everyone else knew how epic we are!

(Yes, I realize I switched POVs halfway through. I suck as a writer.)

Fishing Shows

2010-07-07T12:04:00.006-04:00

A couple of nights ago I had a very interesting evening. I was meeting somebody at a bar before work and I showed up a little under an hour early. As I was killing time I damn near flipped out because there's only so much bullshit your brain can handle at one time. The steady stream of bullshit that everyday life brings is manageable for me, but this time at the bar was like a year's worth packed into 60 minutes.

First I arrived and grabbed a stool at the bar because I was there alone. In front of me were three TVs. And they were all playing the same show. Strike one, but I can let that slide. A lot of bars do this "same show on every TV" crap. It's fucking stupid as far as I'm concerned, but it's their retarded bar and I'm not going to tell them how to run it.

The thing that I just couldn't get over, though, was the fact that they were all tuned to WFN....the WORLD FISHING NETWORK! Dear God, father of all things holy, please deliver me from fucking fishing shows. I'm convinced that stupid people will watch ANYTHING if you slap a theme song on it. I mean, hell, they've got a channel that shows nothing but a burning fireplace around the holidays. It's literally called the Fireplace Channel. We are so fucked, guys.

But fishing shows? I'd rather spend four hours listening to Ben Stein read from the Bible. Fishing shows have to be man's most boring creation to date and I'm truly curious to know who is watching all of them. And why we need a WHOLE FUCKING CHANNEL DEDICATED TO THEM! AND WHY A BAR THINKS THIS IS SUITABLE ENTERTAINMENT!!!!

And the commercials are no better. All they sell is a bunch of crap that's supposed to help you find fish easier. Trust me, this stuff doesn't work. I bought one and all it did was beep when I pointed it at Madonna's crotch. Sorry, that was a stupid joke.

I can sum up every fishing show ever: guy in trucker hat talking about NOTHING, same guy holds up caught fish, guy throws it back, repeat several times, end credits. Is this shit exciting or what?!

The only thing worse is those damn poker shows where everyone's acting like the smoothest muthafucker this side of the Atlantic. Go fuck yourselves, you shallow pricks. Especially you, obligatory one guy in the cowboy hat.

Poker and fishing are stupid.

Creative Homeless People

2010-07-03T23:45:00.004-04:00

I don't know that this is a rant so much as just a commentary on these people, but I have to admit, they get me!

The creative homeless person is simply someone who has thought outside the box and has come up with a clever way to scoop the change from the pockets of passers-by. Most often it's just amusing signs, but there are some who have taken it a step further and they come up with elaborate schemes.

I met this one guy tonight as I was walking down the street just minding my own business. He didn't actually ask me for anything, but I ended up giving him a Toonie anyway. He stopped me wondering if I could call the police. I asked him what for and he told me to look up. I didn't see anything. Then he pointed out a raccoon sitting on a small portion of the eaves above the building we were standing next to. He was worried that it would fall and I could kind of see his point because it was huddled on a small platform and didn't have very many places to go.

Anyway, he was hoping I could make a call and I told him I didn't have a cell phone on me because I didn't own one but I could give him some change for a payphone. And that's what I ended up doing.

Then as I was walking away, my crazy old brain started churning out crazy old thoughts as it tends to do. "Wouldn't it be wicked if that homeless guy had that raccoon trained almost like a pet to climb up to absurd places so he could pretend to be concerned about it and grab a few bucks off morons like me?"

In all likelihood that wasn't the case, but I thought to myself, even if it was I'd still be glad to give that guy some change. Why? Why do I give change to creative homeless people? Because that's at least some effort, my friend!

If somebody asks me "Can you spare some change?", that's not effort. That's being the stereotypical bum. I will tell them, "No, but apparently Obama can (any fucking day now...)." Then I will slap myself for using dated humour and carry on with my day. Point being, traditional methods equal no change from me.

If you tickle that creative part of my brain though, you have a much better chance of getting some jingle in your jeans. As I mentioned before, you're giving it some fucking effort! But perhaps more so, I love creative people. If you can come up with some words on a piece of scrap cardboard that can make me laugh, fuck it, here's some change. It's probably a subconscious thought process like, "Why are you homeless?! You're a creative person and somebody should be paying you for your ideas! That person is now me! Why aren't you at least writing for some shitty little prime-time sitcom?! Best to you, brotha!"

That about sums it up. If I'm ever homeless the first thing I'll do is come up with an epic sign. Something really funny. As opposed to the nonsense I write on here.

G20 Special: Police State

2010-07-02T11:13:00.003-04:00

If you've read my past rants about anti-government and personal freedoms, you may expect me to get on here and call the police a bunch of fascists and complain about the "fucking police state" we call Canada.

You would be wrong. In fact, I'm getting pretty tired of all these G20 protesters still whining and crying "Police State!" several days after the summit has ended.

Let me make this perfectly clear: We do not live in a police state in Canada. If you had ever actually been to a true police state, I think you would appreciate your Canadian freedoms a whole buttload more. However, this also does not mean that I will be spewing a bunch of garbage about Canada being the greatest country on earth with absolute freedom. That "national pride" shit that politicians are always cramming down our throats irks me just as much and, in my opinion, is arguably more damaging than police state accusations. That's a different rant though.

If you nay-sayers would open your eyes for two seconds (or "wake up", as you like to call it) perhaps you'd see the irony in yelling "Police State!" all over the mainstream AND alternative news, Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Blogger, etc. with no consequences. If you actually lived in a police state, you would not have the right to do that and you'd likely be locked up. Many people in police states have no real grasp of how large government dissidence is because speech is so heavily censored.

Alright, I've gotten that out of the way, so I WILL give you this: I see a lot of evidence of a rising police state. I think if we continue down the road we're travelling on, we WILL have a police state. There were lots of examples of police overstepping their grounds just last weekend. Yes, I DO think it's important to protest this and stop it in its tracks before it runs rampant.

Police State: getting there? Absolutely. Living in one? Fuck no. So quit'cher belly-achin'!

Joe Lieberman

2010-06-28T18:52:00.003-04:00

What is up with this guy?

Everytime I'm reading an article that tells me what he's been up to, a few key words float through my mind: cranky, buzzkill, whiner, anti-fun, etc.

Now he's going after the internet. He doesn't have enough fascist control over it. It's the terrorists again. They might, like, uh, hack in or something, and like, fuck up our shit...and stuff. Right. It's always the terrorists. Every time you want to infringe a little bit more on people's liberties just scream "Terrorist" a little bit more and a little bit louder.

Lieberman reminds me of one of those old men that sees you working on something and insists on helping. You're managing fine and don't really want his help because he's old and slow and will probably screw something up, but you feel sorry for him because he doesn't have a lot going on for him and he's just so gosh-darned determined. So you give him something little to do just so he can keep his sense of self-worth.

American government, please stop allowing Lieberman to help! I know it's hard to do, but just flat out tell him, "Lieb-dog, don't get us wrong we appreciate all the ideas that have leaked from that massive head of yours and all the work you've done over the years. But frankly you're getting a little up there in years and we're not so sure anymore that you fully grasp reality. The internet? We don't want to presume, but you seem like the type of guy who's just now learning how to use a PC and spends 45 minutes hunt-and-pecking out a Twitter update.

Do it the Seinfeld way: like a Band-Aid, RIGHT OFF! It'll be better for everyone in the long run.

G20 Special: Violent Protesters

2010-06-26T16:53:00.004-04:00

So the G20 summit has officially reached Toronto's downtown core and with it comes comes a tribe of highly employable, jabbering dickweeds. No, it's not the politicians I'm talking about. I mean Dick and Jane Windowpopper.

I'm all for protesting and speaking out for what you believe in. When I see people damaging property and basically causing shit, though, I have to wonder what these idiots are thinking. They appear to be trying to communicate with us. Perhaps their hemmorrhoids have flared up.

I really don't understand the logic in smashing windows.

"Now that a massive protest is occurring, I now have an excuse to engage in juvenile behaviour and most likely get away scot-free! I shall hurl a newspaper box through a Starbucks window. That will tell the world that as an individual I am opposed to any one of the following: Obama, Harper, police, capitalism, Israel, Palestine, 9/11, deodorant, frappuccinos, or intact glass panes. Bitchin'!"

Let's think about this now. If you're opposed to the summit, why are you destroying the front of a building that does not contain the people meeting? If you're opposed to the store or corporations or something like that, you're not doing anything by breaking a couple of windows. Business will go on after you've left. All you've succeeded in doing is piss off a storeowner and create a job for a window installer. Finally, if you're breaking the windows just for the sake of breaking shit, well, you're just an asswipe.

And what's all this I'm hearing about demonstrators being avoidant of the media? Now I'm to understand that you want to draw more attention to your message but you don't actually want to tell anyone what your message is? Alright...

Shit's getting real here and you're not helping.

G20 Special: The Fake Lake

2010-06-25T01:29:00.002-04:00

Since the G20 Summit's rollin' through my neck of the woods, Toronto, I've decided to post some shit about that for the next couple of days.

Alright. Let's start with the thing that's on everyone Torontonian's mind. At least until shit hits the fan and there's better things to worry about. But for now, the fake lake.

My tax dollars actually went into the hands of a gangle of idiots who built a fucking artificial lake inside of a building right beside a GIANT FUCKING REAL LAKE!

Are you kidding me?!

This is supposedly to showcase what Canada has to offer. I'll tell you what Canada has to offer: poutine and frightening silver haircut.

When you think of it though, it is quite fitting. A fake lake for fake leaders with fake promises of fake solutions. Fake words, fake smiles, fake everything.

Anyway, hope you guys all get a chance to kick back by the lake while you're here. Twist the cap off of one one of our fine Canadian beers like Oliver Jangleson's. Brewed in the backways of rural New Brunswick, t'always goes down smooth, eh?

And government, if you start seeing little Monopoly bills circulating though your supply, that's just me sending you fake tax dollars. Cheers!

Holy Jumping FUCK!

2010-06-18T01:18:00.007-04:00

I got home about 15 minutes ago after a 15 hour shift. I was sitting quietly in bed with my laptop in front of me playing a Nintendo Family Feud game that I found online. Basically minding my own business. Maybe I was stoned, maybe I wasn't...

Suddenly this bug wih a deep buzz comes a-floating down from above and lands on my head. I just flipped shit and started swatting. I didn't even see it, but I ticked it. I couldn't tell how big it was, but from the buzzing it made, it sounded friggin' big.

It flew away and I don't know where it is and it's not buzzing.

Let me tell you something, giant bug: FUCK YOU! You almost made me crap the bed! You better not come back! You will feel my wrath*!

Oh, and I did your sister last night. So...yeah.

*unless you look threatening

Movie Musicals

2010-06-15T20:11:00.006-04:00

I've got a few problems with movie musicals (obviously, or you wouldn't be reading this right now). Specifically movie musicals. The musicals I've seen performed live on stage have been, for the most part, extremely well-assembled and highly awesome.

Which segue's me nicely to my first beef: they're uncomfortably fake. "Well, no duh, they're fake," I hear you saying, and I get that. But movie musicals are what I'll call "fake squared". That's right, "Fake" with a little number 2 on the upper right.

Let me explain. When you see a musical on stage the plot is fake, but the performances are the real deal. The actors are carrying on with ridiculous shit that would never happen in real life (more on that later), but the beads of sweat trickling down their faces after the big number are real. Stage musicals are basically the equivalent of the High School Musical director showing up on Day 1 of shooting and telling everyone "I'm'a keep this camera rolling for 2 hours and that's all. One take. Whatever you do is going to theatres, so make it good."

Movie musicals, on the other hand, are fake shit upon more fake shit upon even more fake shit. The plot is fake, but that's normal for most movies. The behaviour is fake, by which I mean rival street gangs DO NOT fucking sing to each other and rumble in meticulously choreographed dance moves. And strike three is that the whole thing is filmed in parts and edited together. More fakery. A performer fucks everything up and you can just yell "Cut!" Pshaw to that!!!

And why are people in musicals always so dangerously happy about everything? Everyone's springing out of bed all doe-eyed and Ritalined up, throwing upper story windows wide open, and busting into song about sunshine and confectionary items. Good for you. You've succeeded once again in waking up. Now put on some damn coffee for Christ's sake. Some of us need it.

The worst part of a movie musical is when an actor sings the first line of a song. Because all that means to me is, "We were here just a second ago with conversation between characters that perhaps you were at least minutely interested in. Now please enjoy 3-4 minutes of crap that does absolutely fuck-all to advance the plot!"
When the singing starts, so does the sighing.

Lastly, there are way too many shaggy-haired prettyboys and overly made-up robo-bitches in anything made in the last decade. I'm looking at you, Disney.

Please, there is music and there are movies. Pick one and stick with it. No more of this "you got movie in my music, you got music in my movie" shit.

Finally getting caught up with The Office...

2010-06-09T22:54:00.004-04:00

...after weeks of watching religiously and despite being WAY behind the times, coming in to work at 9am after a 2 hour commute, busting ass all day, staying late, kicking back with Season 5 Episode 1 where Jim finally proposes to Pam and then searching out Episode 2 only to find out it's been removed due to COCKSUCKING VIOLATION OF TERMS OF AGREEMENT AND NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND OUT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!!! AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH! FUCK!

T-Shirts from Fundraisers

2010-06-05T15:42:00.003-04:00

T-Shirts given out at fundraising events are a gigantic waste of cloth as far as I'm concerned. Who actually wears these things? When someone hands you one of these shirts they're not saying "Thanks for your support! Here's a little something to show our appreciation!"

What they're really saying is, "Have a nice trip to the Salvation Army!"

Because that's where all of these shirts inevitably end up. Don't believe me? Go to your local Salvation Army store or thrift shop and have a look at the t-shirt section. 95 percent of the shirts in there say "Becel Ride for Heart 1997!" on them with a bunch of insurance company logos printed underneath. If "Breast Cancer Awareness Month" didn't exist, the t-shirt section at thrift stores would be about 8-12 hangers on a doorknob.

And if the t-shirts don't end up a a thrift store? Well, there's always room for them to become sleeping gear, exercise gear, or for the truly daring, a wank rag. Could Planned Parenthood logically disapprove of people jizzing into their t-shirts?

The only people I ever see wearing fundraiser t-shirts in public are people who also wearing a fanny pack and shorts that are riding way too high. They all go to the supermarket specifically to "hang out" on the bench by the door and chat with you about their elderly parents' health problems. Creepy.

Do we really need to keep printing these eyesores?

TLC

2010-06-04T01:57:00.004-04:00

What happened to you, man? You've changed.

I still remember the first time my family got cable. I'd imagine most kids would. When you're a kid, cable is the holy grail of your world. It's the sole reason you were put on this earth. Once you've achieved "cable status" there's really nothing else to look forward to for the rest of your life. Kind of depressing, really.

Anyway, I was about 10 years old when we first got cable and it was magical. Channel after channel! Show after show! Anything you wanted was on cable!

I was a nerdy kid (hell, I'm a nerdy adult) so I was totally psyched for TLC - The Learning Channel! My ongoing thirst for knowledge could now be quenched with just the push of a button! Oh, the things I would learn now that we had cable! And oh, how I did learn things!

....

So why am I now turning on TLC, no longer "The Learning Channel", to see a family of dickheads with way too many children, Jon & Kate Plus Who Gives a Fuck*, midgets, weddings, babies, and idiots winning money in cabs? FUCK!

A quest for knowledge has been trumped by low budget programming that I can't imagine anyone except fat redneck women would give two shits about. It's scary to think that people must actually be watching this crap. It wouldn't stay on the air otherwise. Something's seriously wrong.

We oughtta add a "D" to the end of this channel. TLCD: The Lowest Common Denominator.

God, people are boring.

*stolen from You Just Made My List!

"Air Fresheners"

2010-06-04T01:07:00.002-04:00

Jesus. To the wonderful people working hard at Glade and other "scent-oriented" companies, I'm asking you: please knock it off!

I realize that you are exposed to scents all day long so perhaps your sense of smell has grown a little dull, much in the same way that listening to loud music all day would damage your hearing. Perhaps you don't realize that the rest of us still have a fairly sharp sense of smell. Perhaps you don't realize that I, like many others, can't stand to breathe in 500 acres of lilac bushes conveniently compressed into a small, handheld canister.

What I'm trying to say is, YOUR SHIT IS TOO STRONG! I'm here using YOUR shit to cover up the stench of MY shit and afterwards I'm left begging for the smell of MY shit because YOUR shit smells like shit. SHIT!

Whatever happened to "hints of things"? Hint of lilac, hint of seabreeze, hint of apple...
I feel like somebody's loading up a bazooka with a bushel of apples and firing it point blank right at my head.

Oh, and your ads with smiling soccer moms flinging open wide windows isn't helping.

Something smells funny in here and I don't think Glade has a label on it...

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!....(ahem)...The British Government

2009-08-03T23:59:00.002-04:00

As I was saying, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

I've known that Britain was a big surveillance state, but this crosses the fucking line.

I urge you to read the link and look into it more, but if you're too lazy to even do that, here's a paragraph that sums it up:

According to the report, the government will use the cameras to make sure the kids are doing their homework and going to bed on time. They will engage in 'behavioural contracts' with the parents and ensure certain duties are met.

IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE?! Hold on...calendar check.

Nope, it really is August, not April. I can't believe I'm reading this! Do I need to fucking say it again? Government, politicians, dipshits:

STAY....(are you with me?)...OUT....(still there?)... OF PEOPLES' FUCKING LIVES!

I'm really get fed up with all these governments that feel the need to intervene into and have complete control over every aspect of everyone's life. The government does not own us (them) and they have no right to do this. It's downright sickening. What kind of evil, drivel-brained assdicks dreamed up this idea in the first place? I'd surely love to pound their fucking skulls in with a baseball bat until their brains are all over the sidewalk. Maybe if I can speak directly to their splattered grey matter instead of trying to get through their thick-ass heads, they'll GET A GOD DAMN CLUE.*

But wait a second. If I have nothing to hide, why should I be worrying?

Can you stop with this absolute bullshit question? Every fucking time a privacy issue is raised I hear this. Fine. If you're that fucking dense, be my guest. Give up every last right you currently have. Please forward me your banking information, your complete internet history, which ~~puppet~~ candidate you voted for in the last election, and several nude photographs of yourself from all angles.

Don't you see? Everyone has something to hide. But oh, I'm just a random guy. Not government officials who are doing things in your best interest. Why would you disclose anything to me? The government(s) are corrupt. They don't give a fuck about you. They do give a fuck about having complete control over you however. We need to stop giving up our rights left, right, and centre.

Nobody needs these corrupt, greedy, power-hungry, shit-for-brains, dickweed cocksuckers making sure they're raising their children to set guidelines. Again, the government does not own you or your family. The fact that I even have to rant about this happening is abhorrent.

Oh and...(insert obligatory Nineteen Eighty-Four reference or comparison).

*I don't condone or support physical violence. Just trying to get my point across. Uh...I hope you're all writing those stern letters...

DVD Slip Cases

2009-07-30T21:52:00.003-04:00

They're irritating. What is the point? The DVD is in a hard case, it's got sticky anti-theft stuff around the edges, and it's wrapped in plastic. Why is there a need for these cardboard cases?

The only thing that happens is I take the DVD case out and then throw the slip case into a corner somewhere because I don't have the heart to throw it away. I feel like it's part of the DVD. It's like throwing out a book after reading it. Sure, I've already read it, but it doesn't seem appropriate to just throw it away. So I keep it.

I mean, with all the talk about saving the environment, how about we not bullshit carbon tax people and maybe think about cutting out all of this extraneous packaging that's everywhere, not just on DVDs. It's fucking useless. I buy a pair of headphones and by the time I've got them out my garbage can is overflowing. All of it adds up. Just gimme the headphones and cut out the bullshit shell casing and paper and cardboard and twist ties. Fuck.

Like, you're taking a DVD with a picture on the cover and putting it inside a piece of cardboard with the exact same picture on it. It's completely pointless. A bunch of decoration isn't going to make the movie more enjoyable. Cut the crap already.

Me

2009-07-30T12:20:00.004-04:00

You fucking moron! Why the fuck did you think it was a good idea to drink somewhere between 19 and 23 beers?! I mean, I know that's totally like the most you've ever drank in your life by far and whatnot, but what the fuck?!

Why the fuck would you lie down on the bedroom floor "to rest for a sec" knowing full well you wouldn't be coming back up? Remember how you woke up in bed this morning with the radio still on thinking "What happened...?" Remember how you spent 10 minutes blindly searching your room for your lost glasses? That means you're a fucking idiot and you overdid it. Fuck you!

Here's a tip: when you puke, you're done. That doesn't mean your body is freeing up space for 7 more beers.

Sure, it was your night off work and all that, but for God's sake, use a little discretion, man! You're better than that.

*Sorry, folks. Consider this last night's update. More to come later on today!*

Assholes on Their Cell Phones at the Checkout Counter

2009-07-28T20:07:00.003-04:00

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, IDIOT! MOVE IT! YOU INCONSIDERATE FUCK!

I see this from time to time and it truly does piss me off. I saw one today as a matter of fact. These morons chatting on their cell phones while waiting in line and continuing to do so while paying. How fucking impolite can you be?

These self-absorbed fucks don't even have the common decency to pull themselves away from their MEANINGLESS FUCKING CONVERSATIONS to greet the cashier and get out of there in a timely fashion like an NORMAL FUCKING PERSON! Gaaaah!

Let me clue you into something that apparently you're unaware of. The cashier you're completely ignoring....he's a person. Not a change machine. He has feelings too and he probably doesn't appreciate you treating him like a lesser person so you can continue to gab to your fat girlfriends about the pedicure you just got.

Perhaps you haven't been well versed in how these situations work. Let me help you out.

Step 1 - Grow a clue. (quite possibly the most important step)
Step 2 - Tell whoever you're yakking to that you choose to develop of reputation of "not a complete asshole" and you'll have to put the phone down for 20 seconds.
Step 3 - Smile.
Step 4 - Greet cashier.
Step 5 - Pay.
Step 6 - Move the fuck out of the way so others can pay.

It's that simple. Surely you're able to get a grasp on that. If you can't, I'm stunned that you have the mental capacity to buy a shitty cell phone in the first place.

For fuck's sake, stop being so self-centred, stop being so loud and obnoxious and nasally, and put down the phone for 20 god damned seconds. Thank you.

Hubert

2009-07-27T21:24:00.003-04:00

Does anyone actually read this anymore? It'd be kind of depressing to learn that I'm wasting my time (nearly) night after night...

Anyhoo, am I the only one who finds this guy really creepy? Grown men should not be behaving like this. He seems to

a) Have some sort of mental illness. I feel like if I approached him he'd get hostile and firmly tell me, "Don't bother me now! I'm hunting for birds!" and then quickly scamper off to "bathe himself" in true feline fashion. Thank God they didn't show that.

b) Be mentally sound, but just one of those guys you meet who's super weird. "I just like cats a lot," he'd tell you. I get the impression that Hubert frequently attends swingers gatherings and gets off on really fucked up shit. Like he'd ask you to handcuff him and tease his nipples with a feather while punching him in the balls "because it's hot." He'd probably incorporate the whole cat act into it too. Fucking strange, I tell you.

The last few seconds, I must say, are profoundly disturbing. It seems to go way beyond a "cat" enjoying a scratch and comes across as being highly sexual. Which, as far as I'm concerned, is entirely inappropriate for a cat food commercial. Sexual deviants have never made me incredibly motivated to go out and buy some pet chow.

The truly sad part is that...it's Wink Yahoo! From Uh-Oh! I'm serious, go back and watch it again! A bit of research told me 'tis true. Oh, Wink, Wink, Wink. What have you become? You used to be such a cool guy. Now you're just...really god-damned weird.

If I dressed up like the Punisher would you return to your old ways...or would you just take off your pants and tell me you've been a naughty boy and need to be punished?

Magic Mushrooms

2009-07-25T21:25:00.005-04:00

Shrooms are bad. Very bad. You should not eat them. Please. Do not eat them.

Why?

Because magic mushrooms are drugs. And drugs are bad. They have no positive qualities. The government has done extensive testing on this. They, as a collective few people, have actually determined what is good for every single person in this country and what isn't. I'm still getting over the shock myself. I find it truly stunning that my country's government knows more about how I will react to a substance I haven't even ingested than I do.

Jeez, these guys seem really smart. I should listen to them. After all, they are my elected officials. They know more than me and they know what's good for me. I don't know how, but they do. Don't question it, just accept. Doing otherwise makes you a terrorist. You don't want to be a terrorist, do you?

People who do shrooms are bad. Scum. They are equivalent to homeless crack addicts. If they happen to share their so called "revelations" with you, pay no attention. It's because they're on drugs. If they refute, don't worry. They're on drugs. Anything they tell you about is their delusional recollection of things that they imagined which do not exist.

We are not one. We have enemies. Iraqis! Apparently they're the "bad" trend for this season. They are not like us. We must destroy them. They do not have families or ~~fascist~~ governments or thought processes like us. They are evil. Higher people have told me so.

Enough about the government. Shrooms. Damn you, shrooms. Damn you for growing naturally on this planet, first of all. You're a fucking huge inconveniece to law makers who somehow have the authority to make certain things that aren't even man-made illegal. How dare you?

Damn you for instilling an overwhelming feeling of love into countless people. Love. I repeat, LOVE. Undoubtedly the most dangerous emotion of all. Didn't Hitler invent love? Positive emotions certainly aren't tolerated by our leaders (who know everything, once again) and must be stopped.

Damn you for showing people there is more to the world than American Idol, jobs, money, taxes, laws, and miracle diets. The absolute nerve you have, shrooms, of letting us know that our physical bodies are here for 75, 80 years, but consciousness is for eternity. The fucking audacity you have to show us that the petty bullshit we deal with day in and day out DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER.

Hold on, hold on. My prime minister, my leader, his minions? They don't matter in the long run? The things they tell me to do and what not to do...they're completely irrelevant? Their power is all a huge fucking illusion? We are all the same consciousness experiencing itself as billions of separate entities as we speak and there is no need for greed, corruption, slander, racism, violence, and warfare?

Shrooms? You're making people severely second guess the integrity of ~~power-hungry assholes~~ the people who know best for the country?

Well, I'm certainly glad you're illegal. You have no business in this society. You unquestionably destroy every life you enter and....I don't know....you're incredibly addictive and you make people want to rape their fathers. That work for you? Father rapers!

...And you taste bad. If you're going to open and expand minds, isn't a watermelon aftertaste the least you can do? Seriously.

Life's Little (cough, bullshit) Instructions (and Lists Like It)

2009-07-24T13:29:00.001-04:00

Mr. Snell, I appreciate that you lived to be at least 95 years old and that you wanted to leave people with some positive words, but I do believe you're full of shit and I must debunk and destroy your list piece by piece. There are too many of these hokey inspirational lists floating around the internet. If you take 10 seconds out to actually think about the things these lists advocate, you'll see that they're completely fucking meaningless. And I'm here to prove that. So strap in.

Sing in the shower.
Please don't. Most people are fucking rubbish. The last thing I need is a bunch of shitty singers pissing me off.

Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
Tried it. Doesn't work. People walk all over me every damn day.

Watch a sunrise at least once a year.
Done it. The hangover's fucking brutal the next day, I'll tell you.

Never refuse homemade brownies.
This is arguably the best advice ever or the worst, depending on the situation. If you're visiting the frat kids that enjoy a classic prank, bad idea. If you're at Tommy Chong's house...

Strive for excellence, not perfection.
How about I work on getting the job done without you berating my work and calling me a fuckup? Then we can focus on the above-average striving.

Plant a tree on your birthday.
Are you high? What does this possibly accomplish? This sounds like some asshole with his finger up his nose decided that the idea sounded symbolic of something but couldn't figure out what so he put it off until later and just never got around to it. What a load of crap.

Learn three clean jokes.
What for? To keep kids at a birthday party entertained for 22 seconds?

Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.
This should be common sense and common courtesy. If you need a list to suggest this to you, you're probably a dick.

Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Yeah. That's all I need is a bunch of people suspecting I'm on ecstasy. For God's sake, as good as it looks in writing, telling everyone you love them is a bad idea.

Leave everything better than you found it.
How in the fuck is anyone supposed to do that?! Does Mr. Snell think everyone is unemployed and has all day to waste their time trying to do this impossible task? Let's say I'm walking through the forest with this mantra in my head. I accidentally trample some flowers. Shit! So to leave it better than I found it, I go find some better flowers from another part of the woods, bring them back, and plant them where the trampled flowers were. But oh shit again! Now I have to find some even better flowers to replace the flowers that a replaced the trampled flowers with! And pretty soon I'm spending my whole day rearranging the whole forest. This is just one of the many scenarios that happen in the course of a day. I don't have the time to spend leaving everything better than I found it. It can't be done.

Keep it simple.
Yes you have. Do you mind being more specific? Keep what simple?

Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.
Is this...is this code for masturbation? You dirty old man!

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
I'm not off to a good start, am I?

Be forgiving on yourself and others.
Damn it, if he had just added "...my son" at the end, I would've thought Jesus himself wrote this list!

Say "thank you" a lot.
The little Asian man at the convenience store on my drive home from work thanks me when I ask him how he is, when I give him my debit card, when he RETURNS my debit card, when I put down the debit machine, when I say goodbye, and when I leave the store. The amount of gratitude he has is actually a little uncomfortable. Bad idea.

Say "please" a lot.
What kind of reputation are you going to have if you ask people permission for everything? A nobody, that's who. Have some backbone and take charge, son!

Avoid negative people.
If you're actually still reading at this point in the list, yeah, you're the type of person who should avoid me. You'd just be doing us both a favour.

Wear polished shoes.
Fucking asshole! My Vans are now fucking ruined because of your shitty advice! You owe me!

Remember other peoples' birthdays.
Dale Greenwood of Mobile, Montana- June 9
Chang Xiopang of Fu Hai, China- February 18
Hans Birdenbich of Kolderwein, Germany- July 22

Oh, people I know? Be specific. Dumb people like me might be wasting their time.

Commit yourself to constant improvement.
Kind of like Jocelyn Wildenstein? Doesn't always work. Sometimes it's better to leave things the way they are.

Have a firm handshake.
I'll do it just because it's one of the easiest things on the list, but I don't get how it'll improve my life.

Send lots of valentine cards, sign them.
I did. My girlfriend found out, called me a two-timing pig, and dumped me. I did, however get laid 5 1/2 times that Valentine's Day and not with the same girl twice.

On second thought, this one's not so bad.

Look people in the eye.
Again, too damn vague. Do this in moderation. When you're constantly looking at someone with saucer eyes, they think you're up to something.

Be the first to say hello.
Not in prison. A smile, a wave, and a big hello to everyone there means your ass is grass in less than an hour.

Return all things you borrow.
What if I borrow your cat while you go on vacation for 2 months and it dies an hour after your flight leaves? Do you still want it back when you return in 8 weeks? Because I don't mind saving it for you.

Make new friends but cherish the old ones.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. More advice about something people pretty much do naturally.

Keep secrets.
Except from the IRS. They HATE that.

Plant flowers every spring.
I ran out of soil after all that meaningless birthday tree planting. Can't do it, sorry.

Have a dog.
Being a human male, I think that's virtually impossible. And I think bestiality is illegal anyway. I'll just adopt instead.

Always accept an outstretched hand.
Even if I'm fully aware that I'm about to get stinkpalmed? Or what if it's all nasty and only has two fingers on it? What if zombies are chasing me? Should I go with them? What if it's Edward Scissorhands? Does that technically count as a hand?

Stop blaming others.
Why would you presume that I already do this? And even if I did blame others, what if they actually did it? Do you expect me to confess to shit I didn't even do and go to jail over three words on a bullshit list? Get real.

Take responsibility over everything in your life.
Take that, religion! No more of this "It's God's will" crap. Free will is not questionable according to Mr. Snell. Time to step up to the plate!

Wave at kids on school buses.
In this day and age? I think not. Maybe in 1950 that was acceptable, sir. But today being kind to children automatically makes you a pedophile, you're a lost cause, straight to the slammer with no trial, mandatory minimum sentence: life. Do not show any compassion for children, you twisted fuck.

Be there when people need you.
Hook me up with a beeper and a cell phone. Call me anytime. ANY time. Everyone I know has my contact info and I will gladly leave my wife as she's giving birth to come help you open that pickle jar. You need me, I'm there. I'm your friend and assistant on call 24/7.

Don't expect life to be fair.
Shouldn't this be the actual disclaimer at the top of the list? "If you choose to follow this advice..."

Never underestimate the power of love.
Oh, I don't. Huey Lewis and the News can write a solid tune, no doubt. And it was used so well in Back the the Future!

Drink champagne for no reason at all.
I did. Just this morning actually. 8 glasses with my morning toast. The boss was not impressed. My behaviour according to him was "unruly and completely inappropriate for the workplace."

Live your life like an exclamation, not an explanation.
I'm happy for you. You've found two big words that rhyme. Now would you mind taking a short break from this rule to explain to me exactly what the fuck it means?

Don't be afraid to say "I made a mistake."
You first. Apologize for this damn list, Snell!

Don't be afraid to say "I don't know."
See previous point.

Compliment even small improvements.
But don't be afraid to tell them they've still got a hell of a long way to go.

Keep your promises no matter what.
What if I die? Surely there are extenuating circumstances. Can you cut me some slack? I honestly didn't mean to die. It just kind of happened.

Marry only for love.
Take that, Indians! Once again, here comes Big Snell stomping all over customs different from his own! Arranged marriage has no place on this list and therefore no place in the world.

Rekindle old friendships.
Didn't you tell me to "Make new friends but cherish old ones"? If I was doing that, I wouldn't have to rekindle shit.

Count your blessings.
Done. 247. What did you get? Did I win? I won, right?

Call your mother.
MOM!

...Nope. No answer. She doesn't love me.

And your dad too, if they happen to be alive.
I'm not calling my dad! He's a hardass and he's busy at work. If I did he would leave early to come home and bludgeon me with a lamp for wasting money on phone calls. My dad's one of those people who you just don't exchange "I love you"s with. We both know the other loves us, but we would never ever ever say it. Things would get uh-gly.

Well, there you go. The list doesn't have that warm fuzzy feeling any more, does it? Kind of seems like a load of crap? Hopefully. Do not pay any attention to these feel-good things floating around on the internet, folks. They'll destroy your fucking life.

Corporations Trying to Sell Me "Happiness"

2009-07-23T21:27:00.003-04:00

I'm no stranger to basic marketing techniques. I'm no expert, but I'm no stranger either. I know that when I watch TV commercials I'm not simply being shown a 30 second video of a person with a product. I know that every minor detail is fine tuned to appeal to my subconscious desires. But I still watch the occasional hour of TV anyway and just keep mental notes of companies that are evil (nearly all of them) so I can avoid buying their products.

Today some poor ad placement made one of these marketing techniques stand out a lot more than it should have. Instead of just watching the commercials knowing that my subconscious was being attacked with suggestions but not quite knowing what they were, I found myself going, "AHA! I'm on to you, Corporate America!"

See, the first ad I saw was the French's ad above. 40% more happy in each bottle? Who the hell is on the marketing team at French's? The 8 year-old narrator's schoolyard chums? God, I beg that it's true because if I owned French's I'd be a little concerned over the fact that my adult marketing people couldn't even use the English language properly. The term you're looking for is "happiness". But I digress.

The ad immediately following it was a Coca Cola ad ended with:

Perfect. I mean, at first I was worried. I was beginning to get frustrated when I kept running out of happy without warning using the old French's mustard. And then I saw that they were adding 40% more happy. THANK GOD!!! No more tear-filled nights in the bathroom with the razor blades because I've run out of mustard! It's like, when I reach the point where I'd normally be hacking away at my skin...now I have more happy to get me through!

But then I thought...what if I forget about that 40% more and use the whole bottle of mustard like it only has 100% happy?! Great Scott, no! I'd be a wreck! But then, a light from heaven. Coca Cola: Open Happiness.

NO WAY! Another product, a SECOND product that delivers happiness?! I'm saved! When it's 2:30am, the grocery store is closed, and my "40% more happy" French's mustard is farting, all I need to do is run down to the corner store for a Coke to squash those suicidal thoughts! I can't believe it! Out of the millions of products in this world, TWO of them actually deliver happiness! What an age we live in...

Anyway, sarcasm aside, I want to let French's and Coke know...you're not being subliminal enough. People aren't supposed to catch on to your marketing trickery. They're supposed to watch your ads and promptly march like zombies to the store to buy your product with the thought that they need it, but not sure why.

Unless the media's dumbed people down so much that corporations don't even need to be slick anymore. "Buy it, sucker, it makes you feel good and yada yada yada." That'll soon be the type of slogan every commercial ends with and people will still eat that shit up.

All I ask is that you subject me to your mind control without my knowledge or consent like any good corporation or government agency would do. Stop blatantly advertising the emotions your products undoubtedly evoke. When you do that, it hints to me that you think I'm dumb enough that you can just skip the psychological toying around and cut right to the chase and it's actually a little insulting.

Please just meddle with my mind! I don't care if I end up with a house full of crap I don't need. At least I'll feel smart.

Deer God, Bambi's Dead!!!

2009-07-21T21:37:00.004-04:00

Whyyyyy?!?! God whyyyyy?!?! You killed him, you asshole! Bambi's dead!

Today as I was driving along there was a car a little distance up in front of me. I could call it a night right now and just by those few sentences you'd know what happened. But where's the fun in that?

I saw a deer dart out in front of said car. It made it across. "Cool," I thought as my eyes wandered. Then as they focused back on the road I saw an animal on the road in the oncoming lane. As I passed...(gulp)...I...(sniffle)...

(choke)BAMBI!!! NOOOOOOO!!! YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD!!!

The innocent, bright-eyed Disney faun lay on the pavement writhing. The car that hit it was stopped a short distance up undamaged. And I just kept saying "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?!"

I should point out that it was noon and I'd been playing Dora the Explorer drinking games all morning. I was not in a good frame of mind as I opened by truck door, beer cans spilling out. I ran over to Bambi crying as cars swerved around me honking. I knelt down beside him and his glassy eye stared blankly into the sky. I slid the neck of a Jose Cuervo bottle into it's mouth and tilted it back.

"It'll be OK, little one," I sobbed, "it'll be OK."

I took a swig of Bambi's tequila and wrapped my arms around his neck. Between tears I choked out, "Looove is a song that never ends..." The police showed up soon after and questioned me about my public intoxication and my lack of pants. However, they saw that I was emotionally distressed and let me off with a warning.

Now here I sit sober as a goose (if you've never heard that expression it's because I just made it up now). I'm still traumatized. Next thing you know Aladdin's going to be stabbed to death by Abu. Mowgli's going to be kidnapped and forced into an illegal sex trade. Fantasia's acid will finally wear off after 70 years!

When will the madness end?! The humanity!!!

Those Damned Bees That Hover Around You!

2009-07-20T22:22:00.004-04:00

Please, bee, please! Go the fuck away! I don't have anything for you! These aren't the droids you're looking for! Fuck off!

These bees have to be near the top of my "Raw Hatred" list that I have saved on my computer. Every so often I'll print out a copy and torch it or throw darts at it or grenade it just to blow off steam. No matter how many times I destroy it, nothing on the list seems to go away. Especially hovering bees.

All they do is dart around you like you're a flower or something. The won't get out of my face and when they get near the crotch that's when I start sweating. One wrong move and I'll have a cock the size of my forearm. Which, on second thought, might not be all that bad.

I'd love to know what the bee is thinking as it's being such an asshole. It has to be one of two things:

1) "Dum de dum de dooooo....doo doo dee dee dooooo....dee dee dum de dooo..."
2) (snicker, snicker, snicker) "You're pissed off, aren't ya? I'm just gonna go ahead and keep buzzing around your face for a few more minutes as you go batshit crazy. (snicker, snicker) Damn, it's good to be a bee. I could do this all day and there's nothing you can do about it. Swing at me, pussy, just try it. I'll getcha! (snicker, snicker) Naaah, I'll leave you alone for now. I'm outs to pick up some fine-ass bee bitches, son! Peace!"

Even though it's most likely #1, deep down I wish it would be #2. Just because it would be awesome if bees were actually badass like that and had bee bitches. I'll bet bee bitches are super easy and suck a mean stinger.

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah...fuck off, bees!

Sean Jones and Saul Korman

2009-07-18T20:49:00.003-04:00

I realize I've been lacking in the updates lately so it's another double shot day! My second piece about fat people is below this one.

Anyway, I felt the need to write about the two most annoying commercial voices we continuously got making appearances in Toronto. Somebody needs to get these people off the radio. Like immediately.

Sean Jones

If you don't know this guy by name, he's the annoying Spence Diamonds guy. The first thing he needs to do is take the enthusiasm knob that he's got cranked to 11 and dial it back a few points. I've heard his commercials. I get it. He's got jewellry at good prices. Stop reading ever sentence like it's the most mind-blowing news ever. Until Sean Jones came along I didn't believe overarticulation was a problem on radio.

And what's with the random sound effects? It's like he realized that his voice alone probably wasn't going to get his full potential clientele into his store but he was completely out of creative energy. "Fuck...I don't know...(whewwwww)...let's just, for no particular reason, add in sound effects that only children and morons would find funny."

I swear if I hear "WAAAOOOWW!!" one more time I'm going to start ramming other vehicles on the road. There has never been a more out of place sound effect in any other commercial ever. It's a damn jewellry store, not a Bud Light commercial. Even in a beer commercial that sound effect would be puke-inducing. Get the fuck off my radio.

Saul Korman

To illustrate my point with the man from Korry's Clothiers, I thoughtit would be appropriate to write a Korry's ad in mad lib form:

"Saaauul Korman here for Korry's Clothiers, 569 Danforth. Let me tell you we've got _________(adjective) suits from _______(plug), _______(plug), and ________(plug). And I know this because last week ____________________________________________ (boring story about his partners in the biz). And also, _________________(plug). So when you come to Korry's don't forget to check out _______________(plug). And I almost forgot, _____________(plug). Just wanted to say, ______________(irrelevant crap that applies to only to three people who probably aren't even fucking listening anyway). And before I go I need to mention __________(plug). Korry's, in the ______(body part) of Greektown, at 569 Danforth."

Saul Korman seems like a guy who has too much money and his guilty pleasure is to spend it on meaningless crap just for kicks. His commercials make me imagine a guy sitting around a big table with all of his business associates drinking scotches. It's been a good night, Saul's getting a littly jolly, and he tells everyone to shut up for s second and listen.

"As you all know, I've got a great deal of money. I've been running over this idea in my head for a couple of weeks now. I'm going to buy airtime on the radio. I'll say some stuff, but mostly I'M GOING TO MENTION ALL OF YOU GUYS!! IN EVERY FUCKING DAILY AD! NO WAY, I KNOW!

Ahem...now obviously I want to get word out about my store and all that crap....but mainly....I'M GOING TO SAY YOUR NAMES! ON THE RADIO! WE CAN ALL LISTEN AND REACT ACCORDINGLY WHEN WE HEAR THEM!

Ahem....now obviously we don't want normal listeners to think we're just a bunch of jerks with egos so we'll say some good crap about the store...I guess...but OH MAN! HOW WICKED WOULD IT BE IF I JUST PLUGGED YOUR GUYS' SHIT?! THIS IS FOR US, FELLAS! WE ARE ALL SUCH GREAT FRIENDS AND I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY! I SHALL BUY A ROLLER COASTER!"

On the bright side, at least he's not so much of an asshole that he refers to himself as "Korry" in his spots. Either way, get the fuck off my radio.

Fat People Exiting Large Vehicles

2009-07-18T18:29:00.002-04:00

Why do fat people continue to buy vehicles that they have such a hard time getting into and out of? I can tell just by their actions that they're putting themslves under a lot of unnecessary stress. It actually is qute amusing to watch.

The door of their van flies open and a big cankle shoots out. After several seconds (apparently spent slowly shifting themselves in their seat) a second cankle appears along with a sagging belly and a chunky arm embracing several Wendy's bags and a bucket of KFC.

Then the comedy begins as this person's toes point downward trying to touch the ground and they do that "belly-out" slide down the side of the seat. It just looks like a huge mass of flab spilling out of the vehicle. And the best is when they get their foot caught on the running board and fall out face first, spilling chicken all over the pavement.

Really, why buy a vehicle that's a hassle even while parked? Do fat people think the daily struggle of getting into and out of their vehicles counts as exercise? Come to think of it, I wouldn't be surprised if did, given the amount of perspiration these people wring out of their shirts afterward.

Have you considered a Honda Civic, fatties? Not trying to be mean, just asking.

Bananas

2009-07-14T21:40:00.003-04:00

They're fucking gross, okay?

Bananas, as far as I'm concerned, are the worst food ever. They're horrid in every possible way and they should be outlawed. First of all, they taste and smell very homosexual. If "gay" could be encapsulated into a flavour, it would taste like bananas. From that point, they're just squishy and unappealing. And under the peel lies an off-white speckled turd of a "food". Sorry if I'm not enticed by fruit with the same general appearance and consistency as a huge shit.

Bananas are pure evil and as much as they try to warn us, we (and I mean you) keep eating them. They do, they warn us. You want me to explain that, don't you. Ah...well, I can't turn back now.

First, as I've already mentioned, they're very turd-like. It's supposed to be human nature to have no desire to eat feces. Why is that not the case with something that is very close to feces? I don't know, but the banana tried to warn you and you ignored it, you prick.

Second, they're yellow. What's so wrong with yellow? It's a nice sunny, cheerful colour, isn't it? NO! No it absolutely is not! Yellow is the colour of all things bad. Traffic lights have their yellow WARNING light, referees have their yellow CAUTION card, mosquitos carry their yellow fever, the music industry has Coldplay. If you're dumb enough to ignore the banana's blatant WARNING! colour, well, you deserve the consequences that may arise.

And if all of that isn't enough, perhaps numerology shall show us the way once again. Let's rap:

- Banana starts with B, a hidden 13 (put 1 and 3 together, you get B)
- Banana has 3 "a"s, A being the first letter of the alphabet (1), 1+3, another hidden 13
- Banana has 6 letters. The number of "a"s multiplied by the number of "n"s gives us another 6. When I eat bananas I get sicks. Another 6. Three 6s? 666? It's all too clear, isn't it?
- Banana has 6 letters, the same number of points as the Jewish Star of David. It would take a moron not to see the tie-ins with the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and the evil plans for world domination. An absolute moron.
- Banana's only letter that isn't repeated is the letter B, the second letter of the alphabet. 2, connected with the Roman goddess of deception, Aphinia, who often mislead others for her own gain with her split personality.

I mean, I could go on all night here. But I think you get my point. If you want to eat Satan's shit, be my guest, but you can't say I didn't advise against it and with damn good proof, if I do say so myself. If you choose not to heed it, I can only say good luck and be safe.

Oh. And slipping on the peels. That's bad too.

*Special thanks to the Spaceman for a little inspiration in this one.

Anti-Smoking

2009-07-13T22:41:00.003-04:00

That's my smokers' rights prediction for 10 years from now. Am I the only one who finds it absolutely absurd what they're doing to smokers? We've become such a pussy society. We've gone from advertising cigarettes on the Flintstones, of all places, and promoting the sale of candy cigarettes for kids to sticking people into a small box marked off on the pavement and people bitching incessantly when the tiniest wisp of smoke crosses in front of them.

Now you can't smoke in the car with kids, anywhere near a building exit, in parks, on beaches, in bars, on patios, in your own apartment (in some places), and now they're trying to ban American troops from smoking. I mean, isn't my prediction pretty realistic when you think about it. If these "smoke free" people get their way, you won't even be able to drive that 6 hours into the desert for a smoke because some sand beetle might get a whiff of second-hand smoke.

Anyway, this post was mainly supposed to be about this plan to get the troops smoke-free. Here is what I think: get bent. The audacity of these Pentagon pricks. Are they completely insane?

"I've got an idea. Let's manufacture a war and then send a whole shitload of troops over to die in it for no good reason. Let's give these faceless peons guns and shove them into a scenario that comes with a whole array of physical and psychological traumas. Let's really push them to the edge and test their stamina. And then just to fuck with them, let's take away the one thing that keeps them sane at the end of the day. Bloody brilliant! And to think, this probably wouldn't even have occurred to us if we weren't so insecure about our incredibly tiny penises!"

Fucking let the troops smoke, man! It makes no sense! What are you worried about here? The health of soldiers? Moron, their in a fucking war. With bullets and bombs and shit. A few cigarettes ain't going to do much harm in comparison. The cost to the country? Sit down, I've got a stunning idea for you to consider. Lend an ear and listen closely: if you're concerned about war costs.....END THE DAMN WAR! Kind of becomes a non-issue, doesn't it? The war is pointless, just end it. I've had enough of the lies.

Bottom line, though, man up. Quit making smokers feel like bad people because you think a breath of second-hand will kill you instantly. The rules are too strict as they are. They don't need to be any worse. So either man up or stop wearing that disgusting cologne shit around the office every day.

Hannah Montana

2009-07-12T23:19:00.003-04:00

I was doing some research for another topic that quite honestly would have led to a very weak update. I've been fucking busy and flat out brain-drained for the past couple of days and it was getting down to the zero hour for tonight. Thankfully good ol' Hannah Montana swooped in and saved the day with her mediocrity.

See, I was trying to find Nickelback's Rock Star video and saw that Montana also has a song called Rock Star. And when a Disney artist sings about rock stars, red flags go up for me. I listened to it, and as I suspected, both Nickelback and Hannah Montana are in dangerous territory.

Nickelback can be forgiven because their whole song is about wanting to be a rock star. To me it's the first sensible thing they've done in their careers. I have issues with their awful fucking music and forced badboy image, but damn it, I respect them for being totally honest and admitting that they don't deserve to be seated at the "rock stars' table".

Hannah? She's even less of a rock star than the blokes in Nickelback and she's proclaiming that she is indeed, without question, a rock star! No, no, and no! 16-year old Disney-approved artists don't get to be rock stars unfortunately. Check in later when you're a little less clean-cut and have kicked a 7-year heroin habit that nearly killed you on several occasions. Get back to me when you can make me actually believe you're passionate about what you do instead of giving a me a bullshit fake wink and smile as you rattle off shitty lyrics about high school.

This is why I respect the hell out of Amy Winehouse even though everyone else apparently hates her. She's got a great voice and is dangerously close to kicking the bucket because of drugs. Voila. Winehouse, to me, is one of the few artists today keeping the spirit alive (the spirit being Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll). If she died tomorrow I wouldn't be one of those morons saying things like, "Gosh, that's so sad. Why'd a nice girl like that have to lose it all because of drugs?" I'd say, "Damn straight, Winehouse, you worked hard, you played hard, and you stuck it to the Man. I couldn't ask for anything more. Enjoy the flight to hell (because all the best bands are affiliated with Satan, of course)."

Anyway, I'm getting bored with this and I'm not telling you anything that Bill Hicks hasn't already said. Point is, Disney stars do not equal rock stars. Quite the opposite.

Screw it, I'll just post this, which tells it 1000X better than I have and promise you something much better for tomorrow.

"Live Every Day Like It's Your Last!"

2009-07-09T21:21:00.004-04:00

What kind of a stupid bullshit motivational phrase is this? This is something clueless morons say to themselves to feel good about life, but clearly they put no thought into it at all.

If I lived even two days like they were my last I'd either be dead or I'd need a long-ass visit to Slumberland. In all likelihood, I'd be dead. Probably from a drug overdose or a police sniper's bullet. Depends how I schedule my activities.

But no matter. That's just me. That's just one guy. The scary thing is, there are people spouting off "Live every day like it's your last!" to several people. They think this is advice ALL people should follow. The world I do not want to live in is the one where everyone is living their day like it's their last. Life as we know it would cease to exist before lunchtime.

Murder would skyrocket. If one were to assume they wouldn't be around in 24 hours, it's quite possibly they'd pick up a gun or a knife and hunt down their ex, their boss, and who knows, maybe even those assholes at Mr. Lube who ripped me off. How will we have time to worry about the economy when everyone's dead?

The highways will be fucked. Everyone will steal cars and drive down highways at very high rates of speed. People will be run over without remorse. There will be car crashes every 5 feet. The freeway will be engulfed in fire and explosions. Take public transit that day.

Millions of people will take LSD, think they can fly, and jump off buildings. Not necessarily because they actually believe they can fly, just because they'd think it's fun to go out in the cliche way. As for other drugs, they'd be smoked, swallowed, snorted, and injected so quickly, you wouldn't be able to find anything anywhere. Of course, the delusional U.S. government would quickly hold a press conference proudly annoucing "We've finally won the War on Drugs!", taking full credit and telling reporters, "No one believed us, but we always KNEW it was working!"

Rape would increase. I'd elaborate, but rape isn't funny, I'm told.

Now, bear in mind this is the stuff that would happen if world leaders didn't exist. This is what would happen if people actually had the time to do this stuff. With world leaders, they absolutely wouldn't. Every country that had 'em would say "Fuck it" and promptly deploy their nukes. The sky would be filled with missles, bombs, bullets, arrows....guys launched from catapults, I don't know. The point is, the world would turn into a giant ball of fire and radiation and dead shit.

So the next time someone tells you to live every day like it's your last, tell them to go fuck themselves and then quietly finish your Twinkie. No planet ever got annihilated by twin-wrapped cakes.

Please Donate to the Canadian Hearing Society Today

2009-07-07T21:01:00.004-04:00

I'm on to something here. I'm starting to figure it out. It's all becoming clear.

For years I assumed the people blaring shitty music from their vehicles were just assholes. I thought that they were brain dead gangstas who were so insecure about themselves that they chose to play their music loud enough that everyone within a two mile radius would hear it in hopes that one or two people would perk up, march over and ask if they could be peeps 4 lyfe.

My God, I feel simply terrible. How could I have been so insensitive? How, I ask you?! I've recently started putting the pieces of the puzzle together and I've come across a startling discovery.

SHITTY SUBSTANCELESS MUSIC DEVOID OF ANY SOUL CAUSES GRADUAL HEARING LOSS. You heard it hear, folks. Take a moment to gather your thoughts before continuing if you need to. I'll understand. When I came to this realization I sank back in my chair and felt an overwhelming wave of guilt wash over me and it stayed with me for days.

All of these years I've been criticizing these poor souls. The unfortunate truth is that they're oblivious to the fact that this is even happening to them. They aren't assholes, they're victims! The nerve I had...

I encourage everyone, if you're waiting at a red light and one of these lost causes rolls up beside you playing Flo Rida so loud that the bass is making your car fall apart, don't curse him, salute him! Show him your support. He is in the Profound Stage of hearing loss and needs your love. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute and you'll soon realize that this man can barely hear his own music. To you it sounds like an atomic bomb exploding but to him it must sound like the quiet murmur of a clock radio gently lulling someone into a good night's sleep.

Now, don't go kissing my hand and thanking me repeatedly for making this discovery just yet. I'm still studying this phenomenon. Working out the bugs, you know how it is. What I know so far is that it's definitely just shitty substanceless music devoid of any soul. You never see any cars driving through town blaring Lynyrd Skynyrd or Debussy. It's always hip hop and awful techno music. That's because Skynyrd and Debussy wrote with feeling and passion and their music was good. Hip Hop and awful techno music are not. When your music is good, your hearing is good and there's no need for the blare-a-thon, do you follow?

However, I'm still trying to find precisely what it is about awful music that causes hearing loss in the first place. I have a theory, but I'm going to need to work with a crack team of researchers to determine whether or not it has any merit.

It involves the old saying "Music feeds the soul." There may be some truth to it. Now, I'm no expert on souls (again, this is where the crack R&D department comes in), but could it be possible that our soul resides in our ears? It's a bit out there, I know, but bear with me. Okay, supposing our souls reside in our ears, music feeds the soul, and given the fact that hip hop, rap, and shitty techno can barely be classified as music (this is scientifically proven), would this not lead to our souls becoming malnourished? Souls in ears...malnourished...hearing loss? I'm fucking onto something here!

Tomorrow I will visit the Canadian Hearing Society and share this with them. I hope to work closely with their team to get to the bottom of this and stop the insanity. So please, please, please donate what you can. It doesn't have to be this way.

Music blarers: They're not assholes, they're victims. God bless.

Stephen Harper...Again!

2009-07-06T21:00:00.003-04:00

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

As a rule I'm going to begin each of my Stephen Harper rants with that. Jesus Christ, I am fucking livid. Fuck you, Harper, you're ruining this country. GET THE FUCK OUT NOW. Leave politics forever. Never come back. You're a fucking moron and I'll say it again, YOU'RE DESTROYING THE FUCKING COUNTRY. Ugh. I wish at the very least I could type in even bigger letters.

So what is this all about? Well, Stephen Harper, our "heroic" prime minister decided to take a 10 minute break from devouring kittens to pass legislation to hand out mandatory jail sentences to people growing marijuana. "Surely," you must be saying, "surely this is for people growing several hundred plants."

WRONG! It's a mandatory six month jail sentence for people growing ONE to two hundred plants and the jail time increases going beyond that. I'll say that again. ONE...to two hundred plants. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!

Now we're in a situation where some otherwise law-abiding guy or girl can go to jail and quite possibly have their life ruined for growing ONE marijuana plant for personal use. This is completely god damned FUCKING looney tunes ridiculous.

Let's think about this. As it was, if you were caught growing you were taken to a judge who could, get this, JUDGE...and maybe let you off. But no, now it's wham, bam, six months right off the bat, possibly with more time depending on the circumstances. What, are we going to start releasing violent criminals because there is not enough room in our jails to hold the people who got caught with a damn marijuana plant?

Fuck you, Harper. I'll bet your idol George Bush comes over to your house every night and you two feast on kittens and then fuck each other in the ass on top of a pile of taxpayers' money and partially burnt flags. And here I was, stupid enough to briefly believe that our country was more progressive and reasonable than our neighbours to the south. What a kick in the nuts. Just when you think we're making some headway towards gaining back some of the freedom they're yanking away from us all at an alarming rate, they bend you over and anally rape you and set the country back decades.

It absolutely blows my mind how a group of people can decide for everyone that nature is illegal. For thousands of years people used marijuana for a plethora of different things and then a couple of assholes come along in the 20th century, spread outrageous lies, and outlaw it because it's "dangerous." It ruins lives, they say. Yeah, because you're fucking throwing people in jail for using a plant! The plant is not ruining anyone's life, your fucking lies and laws are!

IMPEACH THIS FUCKING DICKWAD RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW.

Road Warriors Part 3: The Two Idiots With Vanity Plates

2009-07-05T21:40:00.003-04:00

Most vanity plates are stupid. Every so often though, you'll get a comedic genius behind the wheel who has come up with something that makes you chuckle. Given the two plates I saw today on my drive in to work, the individuals behind the wheel were NOT comedic geniuses.

The first one I saw came as a red Ferrari Testarossa came up on my left side. I glanced over as most people would do upon glimpsing a rarely seen car. The first thing I thought was, "Nice car...your love muscle is on the stubby side, isn't it?" And then as it passed I saw the licence plate and it was painfully obvious that the man driving was a total dickhead.

"HOT 4RE"

Great. You've proudly indicated to the world the vehicle you're driving and your opinion of it. Where do we go from here? I've never met you, but already I can tell you're a rich asshole who is too absorbed in his mode of transportation. Tell you what, let's cut the crap and I'll shell out the cash to buy you a new plate with a little more truth and a little less self-importance attached. "TNY DCK", maybe. Or "RCHASHL", perhaps. Or maybe you could ask the woman with the second plate I saw today if you can have hers...

"IM SPCHL"

(nice segue, huh?) This woman drove up past me, again on the left, just a minute after the Ferrari passed and since she was the next car in the lane after it, I thought maybe I should get off the road quick. Evidently I was sharing the road with some not too bright people this particular afternoon and things could turn dangerous.

Yes, lady. Yes you are special. But all crazy person jokes aside, this woman was worse than the Ferrari guy as far as I was concerned. The guy only implied that he was a pompous moron. This woman blatantly advertised that she's full of herself. Why did she feel the need to go about displaying her narcissism on her car? It's not like someone was handing out free bumper stickers and she casually slapped one onto the bumper. It takes some work to get licence plates.

I picture her waking up one morning and skipping down to the MTO office singing "I love meeeee! I loooove meeeeee!" and then waiting in line for half an hour with a shit-eating grin on her face that just won't go away.

Either that or she's just a cold bitch who thinks she's better than everyone else. Sorry, lady, driving a '97 Corolla doesn't make you a goddess. Better luck next plate.

These people...I'll tell you...

Sarah Palin Running for President

2009-07-04T19:28:00.003-04:00

I know it's not breaking news that Sarah Palin could run for prez in 2012, but since the whole governor resignation thing made it's way into the news, I've heard more talk about it than usual. I will say this: it scares the crap out of me.

Man, we (and by we, I mean "they") dodged a bullet there in November. Even being vice-president of the guy that lost was way, way too close for me. If McCain won and then died, they'd be fucked. Absolutely fucked. And then the rest of the world would be fucked.

This talk that Palin could head straight for the big-time doesn't sit too well with me. Imagine if Dubya fell off a cliff and survived, but suffered massive head trauma and spent 8 weeks in a coma. Upon awakening he'd lost half of the few brain cells he had previously. He then proceeded to submerge his nude self in a vat of LSD for exactly one year. After emerging, he was clubbed in the head repeatedly by mafia members and spent another 6 months in coma. When he woke up the nurse gave him two good slaps across the face and shoved him into the Oval Office and told him to go to work. Imagine that guy running the United States of America. Now imagine if that guy were a woman. Presto! Sarah Palin!

Don't take this the wrong way, I have nothing against female presidents, but Palin is in a league of her own. If she got into office, I'll bet you people around the globe would BEG for George W. again. Palin would turn America into one giant Mormon. America would become one big cesspool of anti-everything. Anti-sex, anti-abortion, anti-smoking, anti-atheist, anti-fucking everything.

And politics aside, if Palin, by some miracle, got elected as president, I'd be off to the caves from Day 1 to spend the following 4 years in isolation. Although I don't agree with a lot of what he's doing in office, thank God Obama is not downright annoying to watch and listen to. At least he looks good and speaks well. If I had to put up with four years of Palin's "folksy" attitude and irritating voice, I'd flat out off myself.

Sarah, I appreciate your enthusiasm and drive and whatnot, but please, please keep it at home and away from an entire nation of people. We're all fucked, but we could, at the very least, prolong the inevitable hitting of rock bottom.

Bret Michaels and Tila Tequila

2009-07-03T20:42:00.003-04:00

Hey, since networks can't get enough of reality shows, I've got an idea for a good one. I call it, "Bret and Tila Realize They're Both Looking for Love, Hook Up With Each Other, Fuck Off to Fiji, and Never Bother Me With Their Stupid Bullshit Ever Again." Don't worry, I'm working on a better title, but you get the idea.

Is anyone else as tired of these fucks as I am? In case you're wondering, I severely dislike them because they're two of the biggest sellouts I've ever seen and people love them.

Bret

He was lead singer in a little band from the 80s called Poison. Now he walks around in a cowboy hat trying to impress a bunch of skanks while people film it (VH1's Rock of Love). What the hell kind of a life is that? I really get annoyed when rock stars pansy out. They're supposed to be on stage chugging whiskey, snorting coke, making sexual gestures towards female audience members, and generally acting badass until they die before they reach 30. Not starring on reality TV shows and sharing their inner feelings about women. Washed up or not, you're a fucking rock star. Man up and start acting like it for Christ's sake.

Tila

Please, God, if you're there, I beg of you to deliver me from this wench's endless stream of bullshit. I'm convinced that the people who are fans of Tila have no hope. They will never win a Nobel Prize or achieve anything even remotely close academically. The only thing they will achieve is maybe earning the title of "Most Likely to Blow Life Savings on iPod Accessories and Stalk MTV Hosts." These people are dumb, they're on the bottom rung of the intellectual ladder, and they're going nowhere.

Let's take some of her songs (which are just awful), for example. One is called "Stripper Friends". Another one, "Fuck Ya Man" (as in Fuck Your Man). Good gravy, I'll bet they're super profound, real thinkers!

See, that's one of my biggest problems with Tila Tequila. She takes the "sex sells" philosophy way, way, way to far. She uses sex to sell fucking everything and it's so incredibly blatant that it's annoying. She's a god damn fake.

And she's one of those girls who's hot and knows it and uses it like it's a tool. For instance, she'll be in an interview and nonchalantly gives the camera a wink and a cheeky smile. Come on! I see right through your sexy bullshit, Tila! The only reason you're doing that is to get a rise out of guys. I think of it as a stripper winking at a customer so he'll think she's actually into him, but really it's just for tips. Everything about Tila Tequila seems like the same scenario. Again, she's a fake.

So I wish Bret and Tila would just get together and that way they could stop subjecting people to their terrible, terrible shows and empty, dumbass personalities. I will, in fact, personally pay for two one-way flights to Ethiopia for these assholes. Or Fiji, I don't care. As long as there is not a television camera, microphone, or internet access within 50 miles of them I'm happy.

I will also gladly accept donations if you're with me on this. Contribute today to the "Send These Two Blockheads Away For Good!" fund!

Fred Astaire

2009-07-02T21:15:00.004-04:00

Easter Parade - I'm Stepping Out With My Baby
Uploaded by diaperbiscuits.

Fuck you, Fred Astaire. Fuck you for completely destroying any chance I have of impressing a woman after she's seen you. Thank God you're dead. That only means that there is still a small chance that she will realize that she will never be yours and reluctantly settle for me. If you were alive, though, all bets would be off. I'm pretty sure no man would ever get laid again.

I have to admit that although I've known who Fred Astaire was for years, it was just today that I became aware that he's indisputably the greatest person ever. If there is a God, it's Fred Astaire.

A while back I'm pretty sure I shared my views on dancing and how dumb it is. Today Fred Astaire took that notion, wiped his ass with it, and smeared it in my face. Seriously, when this guy was alive he must have been rolling in the pussy. How could he not be with such epic moves?

And Christ, man, talk about PIMPING! In "Steppin' Out With My Baby" 2:47 says it all. He tilts the head down and snaps the fingers and all bets are off. Verbally, I think this would equate to "Buckle up, toots, this is my god damned stage and you're playing by my rules now. For I am Fred A-fucking-staire." I think if I saw a dude like this pimpin' down the street I would ask if I could please pay him one hundred dollars just for reeking of class.

And as if all that isn't enough, clearly the man is enchanted. You saw the videos. Without missing a beat he flipped off every scientist ever and said, "Fred Astaire don't follow no laws of physics." and proceeded to defy gravity. And look closely. In "Puttin' on the Ritz" he fucking went Jedi on his cane!

So tonight I give Fred a big "Fuck You" for making the rest of the male population look like worthless pieces of shit.

Lil Jon

2009-06-30T22:28:00.003-04:00

This is actually kind of a touchy subject for me because I was taught that one of the worst things you could do is make fun of mentally challenged people. I have to say, though, that Lil Jon completely astounds me.

First I'd like to share a piece of information about Lil Jon that may surprise you, as it has surprised me after recently learning it. Folks, Lil Jon is...thirty eight years old. I'll repeat. THIRTY EIGHT YEARS OLD!

We have serious problems with society here, guys. On the one hand we have 12 year old girls dressing like prostitutes. On the other we have Lil Jon and guys in emo bands acting like 14 year olds. What the hell is going on?! I'm going to give these people a piece of advice that my dad told me numerous times as a young'un: ACT YOUR AGE.

And really, hasn't anyone besides me had the notion that we could probably save the economy if Lil Jon just turned in all his bling? I'm starting to think Fort Knox is just a big sham. Lil Jon's got all the country's gold and you know it. It's just a shame he has to use it all to make dumbass impractical necklaces with huge absurd phrases on them. And goblets? Who the hell needs a goblet?

Other than that, all he does is grin maniacally and scream 1-3 word phrases. My uncle Bert did the same thing and we had to put him under 24 hour watch. People like that are unpredictable and potentially dangerous. This is not "Fuck da po-lice!" we're talking about here. It's screaming words that have no context whatsoever. "WHAT?!"

If this guy weren't famous, I'm quite certain he'd be the scraggly-haired guy pushing a shopping cart down the sidewalk laughing to himself for no reason. And I'd be the guy trying to avoid his gaze.

Marriage Ceremonies

2009-06-29T21:18:00.004-04:00

Just so everyone knows where I'm coming from on this one, I feel I should start by saying a couple things.

1)I don't hate marriage or anyone who gets married
2)If I wasn't such an epic failure with women I'd gladly get married if the circumstances were right.

Marriage ceremonies, to me, fall into the "I don't get it" category. When you think about it, they really seems ridiculously pointless.

Two people are in love. The man goes out and buys a very expensive piece of metal and this somehow means that he loves her. Spending money on metal=love. Stay with me. He gets down on one knee (another tradition that seems to have make no fucking sense in today's society) and asks the girl to marry him. She starts going ape-shit (because she believes marriage is important for some reason).

They both go out and spend thousands of dollars on flowers, a church, a tuxedo, a dress that's impractical more than anything, dresses for other women, a cake, hors d'oeuvres, other food, a minister...do I need to go on? The point being they spend an absurd amount of money.

The dude at the front blabs for a bit using flowery language to make the ceremony seem more meaningful and less like the sham that it actually is. The bride and groom basically say "I love you" (something they've undoubtedly done countless times before) but more elaborately (vows). They kiss for some reason (again, something they've done many, many times before). They sign some shit, pose for photos, maybe get into a fancy car that they would have paid even more money for, go to a second place with the same people that were at the marriage ceremony, everyone dances and gets drunk and goes home.

Then the bride and groom wake up the next morning with a hangover and if they're smart, realize "Hey, this situation is kind of...exactly like...it was a week ago. I'm me, you're you, we live together and we're in love. Tell me....why the fuck did we spend all that money on all that shit?"

Really, why do we need marriage ceremonies? As far as I'm concerned, marriage is a legal thing, not a love thing. You shouldn't need to buy a bunch of shit to show someone you love them, which is all that marriage ceremonies are. The only thing you really need is the marriage certificate. Good. Go down to the courthouse, sign some shit, and get your certificate. That's what marriage should be. Not a bunch of flowery bullshit that doesn't mean anything. Love is love, my friend.

Marriage doesn't mean a damn thing except in a legal sense. It doesn't mean love and it certainly doesn't mean eternal fidelity. If it did, there wouldn't be so many divorces. So go ahead and get married. I would. But try to be realistic about the whole thing.

An Open Letter to Kylie From the PC Commercial

2009-06-28T19:01:00.005-04:00

Dear Kylie,

How are you? I am fine. I wish to start by saying that you're a very cute little girl. But your commercial annoys the piss out of me.

You're still very young, only 4 and a half, so I feel it's my duty to inform you of some of the harsh realities and injustices to come in your life in order to prepare you for the utter disappointment you will experience as you come of age.

It saddens me to tell you that even though your parents have likely taught you to never tell any lies, the world we live on is jam-packed full of them. Remember those nice people in two piece suits that gave you juice and cookies when you were filming your commercial? See, they weren't actually being nice to you because they wanted to be your friend, they were doing something called "exploiting you." That means that they wanted to use your age and your cute-as-a-button qualities to sell computers and make money for themselves. Have you wondered why you haven't seen those nice people since you stopped filming? That's just it, Kylie, you were never their friend. Money was more important to them.

You're a child, Kylie, and so I'll bet you can't wait until you're a grownup just like mommy and daddy, huh? Won't that be exciting? Nobody to tell you that it's bedtime or that you have to eat your carrots if you want dessert? Wouldn't it be great to do whatever you want, eat whatever you want, and go to bed whenever you want? I hate to burst your bubble, Kylie, but mommy and daddy have people telling them what to do as well. These people are called the government and you should learn now that despite what they will tell you, they don't have your best interests in mind and they don't care about you.

Do you like orange juice, Kylie? It's tasty, isn't it? And good for you too. Well, imagine if mommy and daddy told you that you couldn't make, drink, buy, or sell orange juice any more because it is bad for you, morally wrong, and has no useful purposes in today's world. Suppose after hearing this you went out and bought a bottle of orange juice. Wouldn't you be upset if they found out and sent you to your room for making a personal decision to put something into your own body that they've given you false information about, and even if it was bad for you, wouldn't harm anyone but you, the person who made the choice to put it into yourself in the first place? The government does this every day, Kylie.

They will tell you lies that will determine how you dress, where you can go, what you can do, and what you can put into your own body. They will deny you rights for no good reason. Remember the camera you used to take a picture of your fish Dorothy? What if mommy and daddy told you that you couldn't use that camera any more because of a tiny, tiny chance that Tommy, the mean boy from down your street, will come over to your house, plug the camera into the wall and drop it in Dorothy's tank, killing her? What if they told you that you couldn't ride your bike, watch Dora, or jump rope because Tommy might hurt you when you did these things? What if Tommy then moved away, but they wouldn't give your favourite playtime activities back? Worse yet, what if your parents dropped the camera into Dorothy's tank and blamed it on Tommy just so they could take away some of your basic playtime activities? Never trade your liberties for the illusion of security, Kylie.

As you grow up you'll hopefully realize that the big beautiful world you know now is full of lies. Lies from television and newspapers telling you what to think and how to feel. Maybe Tommy's not really that bad of a kid. Maybe his parents are telling him that you, Kylie, are evil and that's why he wants to hurt you. I think maybe if you both stopped listening to the lies that your parents are telling you and actually talked to each other, you'd discover that you have a lot in common and there is no need to kill each other. And yes, you or your peers will be told lies to get you to kill other people.

Anyway, Kylie, I've spoken at great length here and although I'm not even close to finished, I must be going. I just want to prepare you. Do not let smiling people in suits exploit you and don't trust anyone. I was once a chipper little kid like you and then I grew up and discovered the true workings of the world. Now I'm a cold, skeptical, pessimisstic asshole (pardon my language, Kylie).

Enjoy your childhood while you can before you're old enough for them to really start telling you what to do. I'm sorry I'm such a downer, Kylie.

Best wishes,

-Get the Fuck Outta My Office

Pre-Movie Crapola

2009-06-27T22:28:00.004-04:00

Damn it, I remember (vaguely, mind you) when going to see a movie meant going to see a movie. But today you don't just go to the theatre to see a movie, you go to plant your ass down and take in roughly 10-11 hours of Coca Cola and Levis ads. Once you're through that, you can give youself a pat on the back and rest easy knowing that you've finally made it. Made it all the way to the elaborate and expensive looking "Coming Attractions" intro. At this point you're thinking, "Christ Almighty, do I still have my ticket stub on me? I'm going for a smoke."

Like, what the fuck is going on? The coming attractions I can understand because you're in a movie theatre and it makes sense to advertise upcoming movies in a movie theatre. That doesn't mean I enjoy watching them, it just means I see where they're coming from.

Back in the day I remember the coming attractions portion being quite tolerable and I'd imagine that has to be true because I would have been a kid and very antsy. If my squirmy little 10 year old ass could sit through the previews without getting up and tearing through the theatre throwing poporn everywhere, they couldn't have been too bad.

But then the coming attractions segment got super long. I was older and more patient, but even then I remember thinking, "This is...kind of ridiculous." And a few times I even forgot what movie I had come to see for a second or two. But length aside, it was still "Coming Attractions" so it was somehow acceptable.

Then the day came when (gasp!) a Coke ad was played before the coming attractions. Imagine! A TV advertisment in a movie theatre! How devilishly scandalous! It was only a minute long though so it's brevity made this risquee move relatively harmless.

And here we are today when we actually have to sit through an endless stream of advertisements that are completely unrelated to movies or movie theatres. Those boring-ass Telus ads with the animals on a white background are bad enough on TV. I have no desire to see them on the big screen with surround sound. Seriously, this is not one 60-second ad we're talking about here. It's not something that you can laugh off and say "Whatever" to. I mean, you could walk three towns over for a glass of beer and return before this shit is over and they still have the audacity to show a bunch of trailers for shitty romantic comedies.

I go to the theatre like once a year and I'm still fed up with this crap. I think I've discovered why I have trouble sitting through movies. By the time the movie starts I need to walk around and stretch my legs. It's absurd.

Obama's Smoking Habit

2009-06-24T23:32:00.004-04:00

Oh no, oh HAIL no! You gotta be joking me. No, no, no, no. This cannot be.

Today I found out that the United States president, yes, the man you all look up to, get this....SMOKES!!! He smokes! Cigarettes! Can you believe it?! Questionably THE most popular man on the planet right now....he SMOKES!

I, for one, can't believe this and will not tolerate it. The last thing a man in charge of a country at war should be doing is getting cancer. He smokes! I still can't believe it! This is definitely headline news. People should know about the U.S. president's habit. As far as I'm concerned, this is way more important than the state of the economy, the war, the events in Iran, and even the government keeping UFOs under wraps. Seriously! The president of the United States of America...SMOKES CIGARETTES!!!

I honestly can't understand why the media is not all over this. He's smoking! Cigarettes! Doesn't President Obama know that cigarettes are bad for you? Isn't he worried about getting the cancer? It hasn't even been a day since I found out and I still can't believe the president of the U.S. smokes!

Seriously, there should be impeachment immediately. I mean, the president smokes! Do you honestly think a SMOKER could run America? I think not. All smokers get cancer and we can't have the U.S. president dying in a year because he SMOKES!
I mean, what's next? A heroin using president? Presidents of the U.S. should:

-be white
-be male
-be a virgin
-be Christian
-never have ingested any of the devil's drugs
-enjoy only things that the......well....no. Enjoy nothing. Whatever it is, it's a sin, it's unhealthy, and it's WRONG!!!

God damn. The president of the U.S. smokes. I never thought I'd see the day. This is what happens when you let young people vote. You should have to be at least 40 to vote. Anyone under 40 can't make logical decisions. Especially in regards to SMOKING!!!

The president smokes. This is truly the end of the world. The internet agrees with me.

I'm On Strike!

2009-06-23T21:29:00.004-04:00

I've decided to go on strike because apparently everyone else in this city is doing the same. I don't have a boss that tells me what to put on my site, but if I did, I imagine he'd tell me write about Jon and Kate, which I won't do because I honestly don't give a fuck about them or anyone who, for some incredibly retarded reason, treats them and their family as news. So for that made up reason, I'm going on strike.

Well, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Sorry, but I'm not going on strike. I just needed an intro for my rant about these morons lining up at the LCBO with obscene amounts of booze like this "maybe/maybe not" strike is Y2K Jr.

I'll give exception to the people who run bars and pubs and whatnot who rely on the LCBO to provide them with the liquor they serve. But methinks that the LCBO is not jam packed solely with bar owners this evening. There are 3 other groups of people stocking up tonight: alcoholics, dumbass wine aficionados, and plain old empty-headed dickweeds.

Someone please explain this behaviour to me. Why is there this intense need to stock up on liquor? The Beer Store's still going to be open. Is there something wrong with popping a beer if the liquor store strikes?

Silly me...of course there is. To these ignoramuses at least. The alcoholics need hard liquor because it gets them drunk quickly and efficiently. The wine aficionados need wine because they're better than me and wouldn't be caught drinking beer, nectar of the peons. And the plain old empty-headed dickweeds need liquor for their faggoty little daiquiris and other pansy mixed drinks. I just can't respect anyone who enjoys drinking a Shirley Temple with half a shot of vodka in it.

I truly would enjoy it if they announced no strike. Just to witness these people's heads drop as they curse, "....shit. Just...(sigh)...shit."

But at least the ones in Toronto would be able to get mashed as they watch their garbage bag total slowly creep upwards to match their liquor bottle total. You win some, you lose some.

The Obama "Hope" Poster and the Zillions of Take-Offs On It

2009-06-22T18:53:00.002-04:00

This update would have been more relevant several months ago, so sue me.

The original "Hope" poster just slightly irritates me because personally I find it really hard to look at. It's just ugly. The colour scheme is just awful. It's like they chose a four year old to pick out the colours and decided beforehand that they'd just run with whatever colours the kid randomly picked. The two main shades just don't match properly. It looks like barf.

Then you've got all the parodies and personalized "Hope" posters. I've done some research and what I've concluded is that 100% of them are not funny. Nor are they cute or original. People seem to think they're being clever by making a "Hope" poster with their own face on it. They're not. All they've managed to do is take a sensible, attractive photo of themselves and turn it into a bland, ugly piece of dog shit.

I studied the "Hope" poster for a long time last night trying to figure out what the hell the big deal was. I was just about to give up and throw it in the garbage, but I thought I'd give my backup theory a go, though I was pretty sure it would be a flop. So I went out and I bought a pair of those cheap red and blue 3D glasses that are made of cardboard and I put them on. Alas, I was right. My 3D Obama theory didn't work either. The president was still as two dimensional as the idiots crying and shrieking "Yes We Can!" at the inauguration.

All I'm trying to say is, stop making ugly rip-offs of ugly posters. If you're going to choose such a terrible colour scheme, I jolly well better be getting some eye-popping 3D action from it. End of story.

Hallmark Holidays

2009-06-21T21:21:00.003-04:00

Yeah, it's Father's Day and I'm here to sound like an asshole again. With all due respect to my parents, I'm sick of being guilted into buying shit. Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Valentine's Day are just stupid. How did we get to the point where it's basically a requirement to buy someone some piece of useless crap to celebrate otherwise you're cheap and a dickhead?

I'm stuck in this commercial trap and it's a nightmare. I want to just tell my parents I love them and thank them for pissing away their awesome lives to raise a little terror. And if I have children, (which is a "dream" on the horizon at this point), I'd expect them to do the same. How does a fucking GPS system tell dad you love him? If my son got me a GPS system I'd sit him down, tell him to take that overpriced piece of shit back to Best Buy, and make him write "I love you, Dad" on a post-it note. All of these electonics they're whoring out don't say "I love you and thanks", they say, "I'm a cluless fuck who got duped by the marketing machine once again."

But no, if I simply say "I love you and thanks" there's a long pause and the other person stares at me as if to say, "...there's a gift coming too, right?" Damn it, this is why I hate Christmas too! I can't opt out of the dumbass "buy a bunch of shit" tradition without being "cheap." Aaargh! Father's Day! It's supposed to be about letting your father know you appreciate him, not supporting big-box stores.

And besides, my dad hates all the electronic crap that all the commercials are saying he'll love. My dad's kind of like me (or vice versa), the only difference is that I bitch about everything and he basically just ignores it. But we both use very little. Neither one of us needs more stupid shit. People buy us stupid shit all the time because...well, I've already been over that...and we don't need it! Nobody does! Fuck iPods and Blackberries and cell phones and toasters and TVs and all of these damned gizmos they're pumping out at an alarming rate. It's all stupid shit.

I say, down with stupid shit and let's take Father's Day back from advertisers.

Urinal Code

2009-06-20T20:03:00.004-04:00

I assume the majority of male readers will hate me for saying this, but Urinal Code is fucking dumb. I find it terribly ironic that men, in an effort to maintain their status as a man's man and avoid being thought of homosexual, will fuss over petty, insignificant details, something normally associated with...their FEMALE counterparts!

The video left out two parts to urinal code that I have witnessed:

1)If you can't avoid standing beside another man at a urinal, use a stall.
2)If you can't avoid standing beside another man at a urinal OR use a stall, wait until you can occupy a urinal that is not beside one in use.

The bathroom in the bar that I go to every Friday has two urinals and one stall so I've seen Urinal Code in effect quite routinely. I've been in the situation where I'm taking a piss and someone walks in and despite there being a free urinal, they go for the stall.

My view of Urinal Code is this: I have to piss, there's a toilet, it's free, and damn it, I'm using it. I really couldn't give a fuck about another man's deep-seated homophobia. Pissing is a normal bodily function and guess what? You're in a bathroom, genius. Pissing beside others is expected and it doesn't make you gay. Grow up and grow a pair. I don't have time to dick around at the back of the washroom playing number games in my head while my bladder bursts.

That said, I don't deliberately break Urinal Code. I follow it to some degree, just not if it inconveniences me. For example, if there are 5 urinals and only 1 is taken, I don't march up and drop trou right next to him. We all need personal space. Likewise, I don't look around the room or at anything besides the wall in front of me and I don't speak unless spoken to. I never initiate urinal conversation, but if someone strikes up, I have no problem with brief small talk. I'm not one of those guys that gets weirded out by talking in the bathroom and I have to say I don't understand why some guys do.

Urinal Code, as far as I'm concerned, is just a bunch of guys trying to act tough, but actually coming across as very wimpy and insecure in the process. We're all human beings here. Can't we all just take a piss without fretting over absurd rules?

Larry King's Career

2009-06-18T21:32:00.003-04:00

What is going on this week? Is it just me or is Larry King being shit on? See, I was under the impression that he was a qualified and respected anchor/interviewer and good at what he does. But this week he's been stuck chatting with morons.

Larry King should be delivering hard-hitting, informative reporting. That's the kind of thing I see him doing. Not asking the Jonas Brothers about their girlfriends, as he's doing tonight. He's too good for that and he's above it.

Tuesday he had Kathy Griffin on his show and it was awful. I have to admit that I've never followed any of her stuff even though I've known her name and what she does for years. I realized how thankful I am for that time in the dark because she turned out to be really, really annoying. She was unfunny, wouldn't shut the fuck up, and the whole interview was just awkward.

And on Monday (I believe?) he had to talk with Idol winner David Cook. Like, what the hell?! Why does such a good anchor get stuck covering absolute fluff? I really feel sorry for him. Why isn't he given the opportunity to use his talents to cover Tehran or Obama's latest doings? Get these fucking pop stars off the news network!

Talk about hindered talent.

Guantanamo Shell

2009-06-17T21:11:00.003-04:00

I had a downright ghastly experience at the gas station last night. I was driving home from work and hadn't eaten in a long time so I decided to stop at a gas station at about the halfway point to grab a bag of chips. I don't usually stop at this gas station, but as I pulled in I assumed I'd be able to grab my chips, pay, and leave. If that was the case though, I wouldn't be writing this.

Maybe I'm just not up to speed on gas station culture, but the Shell station I stopped at was seriously taking security on a joyride. I got out of my truck and noticed a younger guy outside talking to the clerk through a little window beside the register. I payed no attention and walked up to the doors, pulled, and discovered they were locked.

So I went over to the little window where the guy was still paying for his gas and smokes and waited. When he was done I said loudly to the clerk through the window, "Can I get a bag of chips or are you guys closed?" He replied back that he couldn't open the door but he could pass me them through the window.

Now this window was more of a small box attached to the side of the store. There was a door that the clerk could open and a door that the customer could open. They couldn't be opened at the same time though for security reasons I guess.

So the clerk goes around the counter and over to the chips and he starts pointing at bags and looking at me to signal to him which bag I want. But the aisle is set up in a way that I can't see what he's pointing at. So I keep repositioning myself and eventually I lean way over and it looks like he's pointing at the bag I want so I just give him a thumbs up and it's not the bag I wanted but fuck it, I'm sick of this shit and I feel like a moron.

Then he brings the wrong chips around and rings them up and go figure, I don't even have enough change to pay for them. So I have to put them on debit and have him stretch the fucking machine through the stupid god damned window-box piece of shit. And then we go through this whole process of him trying to pass me the chips through the window and it not working out because we're both trying to open our little doors at the same time and it doesn't work like that!

What the hell?! Why must I feel like a criminal at the gas station?! I felt like I was in a reverse prison cell and instead of passing stuff to me through a lockable slot in the door, they were passing my shit out. I understand the need for security at convenience stores, but isn't this taking it a little far?

It took me like four and a half hours to buy a bag of chips when I could have just walked in, gotten the RIGHT DAMNED KIND, plopped them on the counter, and paid. I'd have been in and out in 30 seconds. Instead I had to mouth words, play charades with a guy and pass a bunch of shit through a fucking window.

Next time hunger strikes while I'm driving, I'm pulling over and eating grass and dirt out of the ditch. I can't say it will be pleasant, but it will be filling and I won't need to be a theatre major to get some chow.

EEEWWWWWW!!!

2009-06-16T19:28:00.004-04:00

Dear God, why?! Why?! I really hate how you can't unsee things.

You're probably a little confused. Why is the title an exclamation of disgust? Why do I want to apparently unsee Milo and Otis, such an innocent children's movie? Well, I'm here to tell you, friend.

<<< SPOILER ALERT >>>

Milo and Otis was a family favourite when I was a kid. Dudley Moore's charming narration and British Bob Saget-like animal voices could always coax a smile from my brother and I. Then I grew up and the our video just kind of disappeared and was forgotten about.

A couple weeks ago I read something online that mentioned the movie and I had one of those "OMGZZZ I TOTES FORGOT ABOUT THAT!!!" moment and decided that if I happened to come across it in the video store I'd check it out again for old time's sake. Well, I did see it in the video store and I did rent it.

Today I watched it and was having a nice trip down memory lane. Milo didn't die when he went over the waterfall in a box...Otis rescued his friend from a hole that he was trapped in...and then DEAR SWEET GOD WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! THE CAT JUST SHIT OUT A KITTEN! IN EXTREME CLOSE-UP! WITH INCREDIBLE DETAIL!

I spent the next hour and a half periodically dipping my head into a bucket to expell my lunch of yogurt, Werther's Original, and caffeine tablets. My head was spinning. How could this be? It was like the filmakers wanted to drop an atomic bomb on my friendly, sunny mosey down memory lane. And then crash like 6 trains into it.

This was not in the script. I was supposed to watch this movie without crapping yogurt out my mouth. I couldn't remember ever seeing graphic footage of a cat dumping out the brood. Of all the times I watched Milo and Otis as a kid, I can't remember ever being completely grossed out. Was the scene cut from the copy I had? Have I just become a huge pussy (no pun intended) in my age? Either way, I'm now traumatized.

In closing, use your best discretion when watching Milo and Otis. It gets pretty rough. Apparently you get to see the dog laying egg as well, but I was too busy vomitting and crying like a little girl to notice. Speaking of which, fun fact: yogurt has pretty much the same consistency coming out as it did going in. The more you know.

Rod Blagojevich

2009-06-15T21:00:00.004-04:00

Can this guy just fuck off and find a hobby already? In case you're unaware, Blagojevich was governor of Illinois until he was kicked the fuck out at the beginning of the year for being such an assclown. No wait, for being a corrupt politician, or as I like to call them..."politicians." Ever since he got his just desserts he's been popping up periodically on the news in what seems to be a desperate stab for attention.

I just saw him on the news performing in a Second City musical called "Rod Blagojevich Superstar". He was standing on a chair singing. I think Rod's officially lost it. Next thing you know, we'll be seeing him auditioning for American Idol or announcing his new clothing line. He just seems like he's given up.

Aside from his occasionally televised "pity coverage', I just can't stand the way he looks. He looks like the result of Spencer Rice having sex with a lab rat. He grew up, entered politics, got a really terrible haircut, and started whining incessantly.

Christ, I saw enough of this guy during the whole impeachment process in January. After he was kicked out I was relieved that maybe I wouldn't have to look at his dumbass hair and tiny eyes every day. But he keeps coming back! He won't stay in Hell!

Blago, go away. At least when your look-alike Spencer Rice whines about everything it's funny. You're just damned irritating.

Cutesy Flavours

2009-06-14T22:13:00.002-04:00

Don't you hate it when you just want some ice cream and the girl at the counter asks what flavour you'd like and you're suddenly caught in that awkward but critical moment when you have to decide whether you should sheepishly mutter "Very Berry Strawberry" or just point and say "...that one."? I sure do. Almost as much as I hate opening sentences that seemingly never end.

I spent roughly 10 seconds thinking of stores that offer cutesy flavours and I came up with 2 (though I'm sure there are many more): Baskin-Robbins and Kernels. I don't understand why they have to embarrass people just for some cheap creativity. Honestly, can we cut the crap? I don't want Sting Me or Bahama Mama or Super Kid. Just gimme a fucking bag of popcorn!

It sucks, because usually the only people working at these places are cute girls and there's no way to say you want a Rock 'N Pop Swirl cone and still seem like maybe you're cool. Given, Rock 'N Pop Swirl sounds mighty suggestive and it just might work in different circumstances. In the ice cream parlour, though, it just sounds a little creepy.

But you know, for comedy's sake, a small part of me wants them to come up with an outrageously long flavour that would just piss everyone off. Even the "Okey-Dokey" dads who seem to be totally comfortable reciting these dumbass flavours.
"Try our new Rava-Flava Totally Tastetasic Toffee Nut Syrup and Poppin' Peanut/Pecan Vanilla and Chocolate Devilish Double-Up Swirlclone in your choice of Reggie Cone, Waffle Cone, Sugar Cone, Sprinkle Cone, or Deep-Fried Bacon-Wrapped Cone!"

Guaranteed, most people wouldn't even bother with that shit. They'd order a small vanilla cone, get the fuck out of there, and thenceforth visit Granddad's Olde-Tyme Creamatorium, a shack on wheels, where, although Granddad is a registered sex offender and routinely gets 'Nam flashbacks, he's still a lot more mentally stable than those fucks at Baskin-Robbins.

Nightclubs

2009-06-13T21:22:00.004-04:00

I have a real problem with nightclubs, namely that every fucking aspect of them is incredibly stupid. So let's begin.

1)Dancing. It blows. I've had my share of drunk girls pull me onto the dance floor and every moment I'm there is pure fucking agony. Part of it being that I can't dance worth two shits. I've got like 3 moves and they all suck ass. I'm just not creative that way. But mostly it's just my belief that dancing is for idiots. I've got this idea that dancing is just a byproduct of our animal brains. Hard to put it in words but I picture clubbers' brains as being just, "Me want girl. Me move body for girl. Girl think sexy. Girl want Clubber." It just seems so fucking primitive and pointless and desperate.

2)Shitty music. Gosh, do I ever like dancing to 12 minute songs that are just 20 second segments looped over and over and over! Of course I don't. I already said I hate dancing. I honestly don't understand why people like these so called "beats". They're boring as fuck and they all sound the same. And that just covers those delightful clubs where everyone's on X. Let's not forget the hip hop/R&B houses of hell....I can't really go much further into them besides saying that their music is equally shitty.

3)Alpha males. Big muscles, thin beards, smelly colognes, and empty heads. Go the fuck home and take your ego with you. I want to slap these overly-confident assholes who think they're God's gift to the world. But I don't because they'd undoubtedly kick my ass. Badly.

4)Drunk girls. Don't take that the wrong way, I've got no problem with a girl who can drink. I'm talking about the girls who have two beers and then turn into complete fucking morons. Intellect is a major factor for me in deciding which girls are a turn-on. Which is why I will never hook up with Tila Tequila (among many, many other reasons). Why can't I ever talk to any drunk and smart girls at the bar?! Every one I talk to giggles, plays with my hair, and points out quite obviously that it's curly. They're loud, they're annoying, and they're fucking dumb as rocks.

Nightclubs are just a place where horny people meet to participate in inane activities, drink pussy drinks, and bullshit each other for a few hours. A pointless place for pointless people.

Realizing That Basically the Only Thing I've Done All Day is Watch DVD Commentaries

2009-06-11T21:37:00.003-04:00

If you think the above picture is a bit depressing, I didn't even have the girl in the bed! God damn, what a waste of a day. I'm not saying I'm the most productive person in the world, but on average, I do more than stay in bed and watch DVD commentaries all day!

And it's not like I was watching deep, intelligent movies where the commentary was describing the movie's symbolism and whatnot. I was watching Ace Ventura, Mallrats, and Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Not a whole lot of symbolism in giving someone the stinkpalm. It's pretty much something you take at face value.

It would have been bad enough if I had just stayed in bed watching DVDs all day. But I watched the commentaries, the telltale sign of having way too much time on your hands. On the other hand, though, at least I haven't taken to writing lengthy rants on the message boards at IMDB. Still, I feel like I could have been more productive with my day.

Watching skateboarding DVD commentaries would have been just cause for an immediate head examination. Do skateboarding DVDs even have commentaries? I sure hope not. It would just be 2 hours of losers desperately trying to find something interesting to talk about. "And...that was Jeremy doing a 180 shove-it....into a double heelflip....oh, and here's Brent....he smashed his nads on the rail like 19 times before he finally landed that....(sighs and looks at watch)"

Tomorrow I'm going to run for prime minister just to make up today's hopelessly lost productivity. That oughta even things up.

Skateboarding DVDs

2009-06-10T22:00:00.003-04:00

I was just looking at my movie collection and it occurred to me what an empty-headed teenager I was. The reason being that I own 3 skateboarding DVDs. Yes, folks, entire DVDs of skateboarding footage set to shitty music.

I haven't watched them in several years and with good reason I say. Who wants to watch skateboarding footage? It's god damned boring. I'd rather watch golf. Skateboarding is a guy flipping a board with his feet over and over. These guys need to kickflip their asses into a job interview.

The guys in these videos always look so wimpy too. They're always 85 pounds, they've always got their stupid hair in their eyes because they have stupid haircuts, and they're always wearing tight girls shirts.

I own one DVD called "The DC Video". Supposedly it's so creatively named after a skateboarding company, but given it's track record in my DVD player, I think it must be short for "The Dust Collecting Video".

Another one I own is called Yeah Right! Apparently named for the reaction one has while looking through one's DVD collection and realizing what a dumbass one was. The last one I own is a DVD some guys made called Opinion. Sadly, theirs aren't being heard in my household.

But enough with the lame jokes. What a waste of money. Anyone want 3 skateboarding DVDs for like 5 bucks? I won't judge...

Bullshit TV Talent Show Contestants

2009-06-09T21:17:00.003-04:00

...and the way nobody can shut the fuck up about them.

First of all, Fox has no right to assume I'm going to look up to these people. The show really should be called "People Who Would Presumably Appeal to Those With Sub-Par Intelligence". I have not once thought of any Idol winners as my heroes. American Idol, Canadian Idol, Pakistani Idol, I don't care what my citizenship is, in my eyes these people are all completely lame.

It's always the same routine anyway. Some prettyboy wins the stupid little contest and then they're the News Network Idol for a few weeks. Skip forward 3 years and you're drunkenly browsing Wikipedia at 4am. You somehow end up at one of these Idol winner's pages and you think, "Oh man, I forgot all about that dude!". As it turns out he's released several albums, none of which you've heard or care about. Some idol. Oh, how I yearn to be deemed a hero of the people after using up my fifteen minutes of fame, something which everyone supposedly gets.

Now that that's out of the way, I have to make a request to the media: GIVE IT A FUCKING REST! I don't care about Susan Boyle's mental health and I don't care that Adam Lambert is gay. Can you please report on shit that actually matters? I'll even give you a head start. Here's a headline to wet your whistle: Populations Getting Dumber at Alarming Rate, Obsession With Non-News a Contributing Factor. Aaaaaand...GO!

See, I'm not one of those people who bawled their eyes out while watching Susan Boyle's "I Dreamed a Dream" performance. Personally I don't think Susan Boyle made anyone cry. The video production department made people cry. The whole clip was produced like a feel-good movie. If you just sat Boyle down in a room and she sang to you one on one, I'll bet the only thing you'd think of is, "Damn, this guy has a good voice."

Sorry, cheap joke. The point I'm trying to make is that everyone needs to shut up about Idol winners and supposed inspirational people from talent shows. They're just people with good singing voices who end up releasing piss poor "music" that nobody listens to. I don't need to hear about them every fucking day. Gosh I can't wait until this Paul Potts movie I've been hearing about is released! Then I get to put up with more crying girls!

I'm tired of this bullshit.

The Dickhead From the Weekender Commercial

2009-06-08T21:47:00.003-04:00

Seriously, do I even need to post the video? I'm pissed off just looking at this clown. Oh, all right.

The first reason I want to punch this guy every time I see him is because he literally looks like a dickhead, what with his bald head and his turtleneck. I've never heard of a cock wearing incredibly annoying glasses or sporting a five o'clock shadow, but there's a first for everything. Please, buddy, I don't care how you do it, but change your look somehow! Grow a skullet, grow a beard, get contact lenses, have a friend hit you in the face with a shovel a few times. Do what you need to do, but if I see your penis-like head in a turtleneck one more time, I'm going to go postal.

The other reason I want to shoot this man with a crossbow is because of the incredibly smug, douche-y way he speaks. When I watch this Weekender commercial I don't hear a man casually talking about a newspaper. I hear the muffled words of a man speaking from his upper digestive tract because he's got his head so far up his ass. This is the type of guy who lives alone in a high rise condo, drinks only super-expensive wine, owns a fluffy white cat, attends fine arts performances whenever possible, and uses the word "cultured" way too often when describing said performances.

I get the feeling this guy thinks he's better than me and everyone else on this planet. He seems like he likes to brag about how everything he owns is better than the shit I own. If I'm not drinking Dom Perignon and listening to eloquent Chopin compositions every night with dinner, I have no right to even live in the same city as him. Nor would I want to.

I just wish Dickhead would get off my TV screen and stop being so full of himself.

Charities Closing Major Highways

2009-06-07T15:51:00.003-04:00

I drive a vehicle so automtically I'm a self-centred asshole in some people's minds. But I'm about to become an even bigger asshole because today I'm ranting about major highways being closed so that some charity can throw an event to raise money for themselves.

This weekend it's the Heart and Stroke Foundation closing down the DVP and Gardiner so they can ride their little bicycles and roller blades. Sorry to be a heartless bastard and stroke my own ego, but get the fuck off the highways! Go to Fergus or something, I don't care. The only time I really have any need for the Heart and Stroke Foundation is when my blood pressure goes through the roof as a result of them closing the fucking highways! I don't think they realize that they're pissing off a lot of asshole motorists such as myself.

My drive in to work takes long enough as it is. I don't need detours that slow the traffic to a near stop. I don't like taking alternate routes through the city because all the pissed off people take the same routes. Drving through town is slow enough as it is. Add a bunch of people that would normally be on the highway and you've got yourself one hell of a nightmare, my friend. And Christ, traffic lights every 5 feet?

I think the real reason this concerns me so much is because when I think of thousands of cyclists riding down two of Toronto's major highways, I'm thinking HUGE FUCKING BIKER GANG! I've told you before that a pack of 8 or 10 bikers makes me nervous, but here we've got a gang of bloody thousands! They're liable to burn down the whole city and crucify us all!

No good can come from bikers closing down the highway. And that's why next time I'm going to rent a dump truck, set the cruise control, and "shut down their little event", knowwhaddamean?

Missing a Friend's Birthday Party

2009-06-06T22:03:00.004-04:00

I'm a lonely guy to begin with. I don't have many friends and rarely do I spend time with the few that I have. I mean, I rant online every day, is it that much of a surprise? So when someone calls me to hang out I try to do everything I can to make it work, which is hard with the unusual hours that I work.

A couple weeks ago my friend/bandmate informed me of a birthday party he was hosting for himself, which happened to be today. Since I work every Saturday night I did my best to get some time off and I succeeded in getting half of my shift off (7pm-11pm were supposed to be a non-issue for me). That was until yesterday, when I was given a special task.

"No biggie," I thought, "I'll still be able to leave by 7, 7:30 at the latest." Boy was I wrong. The special task ended up dragging on for-fucking-ever and I didn't finish until nearly 10:00. Since it would take me close to an hour to get to my friend's house, the birthday party ended up being a fucking write-off. FUCK!

Why today, man, why today? All year I've spent each Saturday doing fuck all at work because Saturday's are just like that here. The one time when I actually get to have a social life I get sprung with bullshit which completely denies me that opportunity. Woe is me.

All I wanted to do was drink a couple beers, play a little guitar, and have some fun. Thanks to my abysmal social life I probably won't see any of my friends for 3-4 months now. Because that's the way it's being working for me for the last couple of years.

I suck, work sucks, and I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Neil Peart's Consistently Vacant Expression

2009-06-05T19:02:00.004-04:00

If you've ever watched Rush play live you've probably noticed that Neil Peart has one facial expression and only one. It's kind of this constipated grimace. He always seems to look like he's thinking, "God damn it, not another tour. This shit isn't even fun anymore." It's like he's mentally rolling his eyes at the whole situation.

I've decided that Neil Peart either:

a) is a government robot and that's why he's so good (likeliest scenario).
b) had a hardened authoritarian father who locked him in a dim cellar and made him practice the drums at least 9 or 10 hours a day. Neil was fed cabbage, processed meat (which actually contained almost no meat at all), and hose water twice daily and would be given a thorough lashing if he complained about blisters.

It can't be anything else.

Peart actally reminds me of a wise and solemn shaman with his headbands and stiff, wrinkly face. He seems like he's probably seen some shit. Maybe drumming produces some sort of visionary experience for him. Who knows?

I just don't like musicians that seem like they take their work way too seriously. Eric Clapton's been guilty of this as well. I'm not saying I have a problem with their music, in fact a lot of it's good. I just get annoyed with their attitudes. Music's supposed to be fun. Good times. They just need to crack a smile once in a while and not look like their talents are the result of childhood abuse.

Cowboy Lawyers

2009-06-04T21:40:00.003-04:00

Huh?! I know there are at least 2 versions of this commercial. You're pimping around watching TV (sorry, I just finished Threevening), commercials are on, another fucking lawsuit commercial comes up, everything's business as usual, and then WHAM! Buddy appears wearing a fucking cowboy hat?! Is this a joke?

He might as well just show up in a clown suit or a Power Rangers uniform. How can I ever be expected to watch a lawyer in a cowboy hat and take him seriously? I feel like his best method of winning a case is to bust out a lasso and hogtie everyone in the courtroom. He seems like he might have a very skewed understanding of how things work.

I picture court day as being quite routine until suddenly there's a huge crash and the courtroom doors explode open and there you see a snow-white stallion reared back on it's hind legs whinnying. Seated on it's back is Charles Binder wearing his cowboy hat, a pair of spurs, and a big gold star badge. He rides his horse up to the front without batting an eye, dismounts, ties his horse to the judge's bench, and declares "Let's begin, your Honour!"

I just can't take these Binder and Binder guys seriously. And it's not like I can pinpoint a reason why they're wearing cowboy hats in their commercials and I'm saying, "That's a dumb idea." I can't for the life of me figure it out. It just seems so random and unnecessary. Surely cowboy hats don't help these guys win cases and lawyers generally aren't known to don them. It's not like a guy playing a doctor on TV and wearing a white coat and stethoscope for credibility. The cowboy hat has no place in today's legal proceedings.

Now that I think of it though, I really would enjoy seeing someone one-up Binder and Binder and just do a whole commercial in Power Rangers costume. Perhaps that fat, pink, shapeless, bearded, beady-eyed Patrick Cox weirdo from the Tax Masters commercial.

CNN's Richard Quest

2009-06-03T23:10:00.003-04:00

Sorry, I don't have the internet capabilities (dial up) or patience to give you a video clip of this guy. But you're a big boy or girl. You can search "Richard Quest" on Youtube. It's not that hard. And if you don't have the time to do that, why are you even reading this?

Richard Quest. This guy makes me laugh and makes me cringe at the same time. He's a CNN reporter who, I swear, is Family Guy's British person's stereotype come to life. He's got huge teeth. He's really fucking loud.

Really, this guy's like a real-life caricature. I don't know how else to explain it. He makes me laugh because of his loud but sincere British way of speaking. Not to insult British people, but he's got a really unique style. He makes me cringe because he seems like just that: a caricature who insults intelligent British people. I mean, Mr. Bean knew what was going on. Mr. Bean probably could have made world peace in 5 minutes without even knowing it. How? Because Mr. Bean is fucking awesome.

What the hell am I talking about? Oh yeah, Richard Quest. Can we make this guy a Colbert or Daly feature? As of right now, I just can't take him seriously on CNN.

Tomorrow's update: Yesterday was my 100th rant, and I still couldn't write worth a fuck!

Cookie Crisp

2009-06-02T21:20:00.004-04:00

Whoa, whoa, hold on. Don't get all up in arms yet. Let me clear something up. I don't hate Cookie Crisp. I hate the fact that I'm 23 years old and not once in my life have I tasted what I would imagine is probably the absolute greatest fucking cereal of all time.

I mean, come on. Fucking cookies! For breakfast! How can that not be every kid's dream? The first time I saw a commercial for Cookie Crisp as a child my head almost exploded. I remember it well. I was watching Ninja Turtles and during a break a cartoon cop and robber came onto the screen. There were tiny cookies. There was milk. So far so good. And then..."part of this complete breakfast!"

I shouted, "HOLY SHIT!!!" at the top of my lungs and then quickly realized what I had done. My father came into the room and promptly defenestrated me for cursing. I'd like to say it was totally worth it, but it really wasn't since I still haven't had Cookie Crisp.

Not only would my parents probably never in a million years have bought it for me, to this day I have not seen one box of it on any shelf of any store I've ever been in. I'm actually starting to think it doesn't even exist and General Mills is just fucking with kids and having a good belly laugh over the whole thing. If there is anyone reading this who has actually obtained this elusive cereal and tasted it's sweet, sweet cookie goodness, please feel free to tell me all about it and be as detailed as possible!

Holy crap, I want this cereal so badly. So, so badly.

Wine Aficionados and Wine Tastings

2009-06-01T23:59:00.000-04:00

I'll start off by saying that I feel that I must be criticizing something which I don't understand here. Surely there must be a part to the picture I'm missing. Wine freaks and wine tastings just seem so ridiculously pointless to me.

I've never seen a wine aficionado that didn't give off an "I'm a complete pompous douchebag" vibe. They all seem to think they're better than everyone else. I can't stand seeing them swirl that small portion of wine at the bottom of the glass. I can't stand the way they waft the scent up to their noses and then eloquently describe it's aroma. And I can't stand the way they swish the wine around in their mouth, spit it out, and then comment on it's aftertaste.

I'm frightened of people who elevate beverages to a godlike status. Christ, it's just a drink, get over yourself. I don't see any milkshake aficionados. I don't see any soda water aficionados. Why the fascination with wine? Because it's commonly viewed as a sophisticated drink and so you have an excuse to get all high-nosed about it? Really, I don't care what type of grapes my wine was made from and what other things the taste is "reminiscent of". It's a drink and it gives me a buzz. Can we move on?

Wine tastings are horrid and I should hope I never have to attend one. All a wine tasting is is an open bar packed with assholes who are full of themselves and not even getting trashed. Which I think we can all agree is the point of an open bar. It shouldn't be a bunch of bespectacled 65 year old men with fat heads and white beards talking out of their asses and lecturing everyone. No thank you.

I have an idea of what would possibly be the best thing ever. You're at a wine tasting and you're ready to slap the next guy in a turtleneck who walks up to you and wants to chat about all the things you couldn't give a fuck about. Suddenly there's a huge crash behind you complete with the sound of shattering glass. You look behind you and some guy has passed out cold and fallen through a table, breaking it in half. He's now soaked in wine and people are gasping and slapping his face, trying to wake him up. You applaud and think to yourself, "Now there's a man who truly knows how to enjoy a wine tasting." How awesome would that be?

Really...wine people, just a bunch of snobby assholes.

Beggin' Strips Commercials

2009-05-31T17:33:00.005-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, this dog does not need bacon. He obviously needs rehab. Clearly we should not be feeding our pets this much cocaine. If Rover wants to have a little toot at a party, so be it, but I get the feeling he's sniffing up several eightballs a day.

So the dog gets all jacked up and tears through the house and the family is completely indifferent to the havoc he wreaks. If my dog jumped on my nads while I was sleeping he'd have a one-way ticket to the farm coming his way. Even his obnoxious inner monologue is high. It sounds like Gilbert Gottfried in a speed-talking competition and that's something I could do without.

And then we've got the baby-talking mom with the big smile on her face. Her mushy-cushy atttude towards the dog's spazzy behaviour just annoys me. Instead of pampering him and giving him a fix she should be telling him to calm the fuck down and then phoning an obedience school. The dog has problems.

Another thing that irritates me: the dog jummps onto the stove in both commercials? How irresponsible of the family. What if the stove had been turned on and in Rover's coke-fuelled craze, he scorched his ass? Well...I guess that would be learning the hard way not to act like a jackass in the house.

And another thing: the most pressing issue in this perky family's world is that bacon's popular? It was on the news so it must be true. I actually kind of want to live in that family's world. Apparently they're not fighting a war or freaking out over swine flu. Awesome!

So what have we learned? Dogs and blow don't mix.

Eco-Crime and the Environmental Police

2009-05-30T21:12:00.002-04:00

Are you fucking serious?! I saw this clip and had to double check to make sure I wasn't watching another video from the Onion. Eco-crime? Environmental police? Get the fuck out of here. What a joke.

This shit hasn't hit Canada yet...at least as far as I know, but just wait. I remember confiding in a friend in the months following Inconvenient Truth's release and nobody could shut the hell up about going green. I said to him, "I don't know why and I have nothing that suggests it will, but I get the feeling that this "green movement" will be used to fuck people over." And wouldn't you know it, here we are.

It seems like god damn everything is somehow used as an excuse to fuck everyone over. Now I'm not going to speculate on whether or not 9/11 was an inside job. That's not what I'm here to do tonight. But no matter what you believe about the 9/11 attacks, you simply can't deny that they have been used to fuck over hard-working Americans. Rights are being yanked away and it's all in the name of counter-terrorism. Yeah. OK.

Anyway, back to the environment. Why do we need police so heavily involved in our lives? And why are these morons carrying guns and handcuffs? In case someone has the balls to tell them to fuck off and rip up their silly little eco-ticket? It wasn't enough to get everyone to watch some asshole's global warming video and leave it to them to make "the right choice"? Now they're basically demanding that we save the planet at gunpoint?

I read someone's comment on this clip and it was bloody brilliant. They suggested that Obama should have to pay a "Bullshit Tax" to American citizens every time he says or does something that's complete bullshit. They'd all be millionaires by year's end. Get the government and police out of everyone's lives and stop fucking us over with senseless cash-grabs like this.

To hell with this 5 cents for a plastic bag shit too. I don't need anyone gradually forcing me to save the planet. I'll do it when I'm good and god damned ready.

These Fucking Talent Agent Commercials

2009-05-29T18:39:00.003-04:00

Every few weeks Q107 plays a commercial advertising a different childrens' talent agent who will be in town to make her "next big discovery". It's always the same commercial, just with a different agent's name. Fuck you.

I really wish I had a sample of one of these commercials, but I don't. The never fail to piss me off though. It's always a bubbly announcer asking me if my child keeps bugging me to be on TV or in movies and telling me I should phone for an audition time. Every time the agent's credits include some bullshit Disney show/movie like High School Musical.

It honestly pains me a little bit to say it because I grew up with the Jungle Book and the Rescuers, but fuck Disney. Have you seen some of the low-brow diarrhea they're churning out these days? It's turning children into unenlightened robots. I'm sick of Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers and High School Musical. It's shit. I can't watch childrens' programming for more than 2 minutes these days without getting irate. I find myself wondering, "Did I watch stuff like this when I was a kid? Was I being brainwashed on such a massive scale?" Thank god my parents didn't let me have everything I saw on TV at the age when my mind was most vulnerable. I probably would have been a selfish, bitter little shit...

I'm getting way off topic. I think the real reason I hate these talent agent commercials is because I feel bad that innocent, vulnerable children have been conditioned to think that fame and acting and money are important. They think Miley Cyrus should be idolized. They think if they can get a part in a Disney production their lives will be complete. Keeping in mind that I'm not a child and this is just speculation. I feel really bad that children are being lied to and taken advantage of and, I'll say it again, conditioned.

Parents, discipline your kids and stop treating them little princes and princesses. Making a choice that causes your child to cry is not the end of the world. It's good for them. It teaches them that they can't have everything they want and prepares them for "the real world". If you give in to their every demand all you're doing is telling them that they're in charge and you're setting them up for some huge disappointments further down the line.

Getting to Disney shouldn't be the goal here. The idea that someone's big goal in life is to be part of a corporation upsets me. And I'm going to stop now because this update is going nowhere and it's god damn written like crap. Sorry.

Sean Kingston

2009-05-28T19:10:00.005-04:00

Jesus Christ, does this guy ever make my blood boil. Every time I hear his shitty re-written versions of good songs I feel the urge to coat the room in vomit. This guy is the epitome of uncreative, over-worshiped, talentless hacks.

Can I start with the fact that he sounds like a friggin' robot in all of his songs? Buddy, lay off the autotune and pick up some autotalent. I'd rather have that dickhead Tim Geithner come to my house every night for a month and read me economics textbooks before bed than listen to 4 minutes of this garbled, computerized horseshit.

You know what would make Sean Kingston's music more enjoyable? If Sean Kingston was not involved. That wouldn't make it enjoyable though, just more enjoyable. The only way I'd find his music completely enjoyable is if I were in a coma.

I really hate the fact that this guy probably pulls into the McDonalds drive-thru every single day of the week and every day in a different Porsche and he can do that just by taking a giant shit on the music industry. I can't understand why people like this guy. His music is completely devoid of any real substance or soul. I imagine his typical recording session as him stepping out of a limo filled with women, being handed a lyric sheet, singing one take, and then arguing with the producer about cutting into his autograph signing time. The session lasts less than 10 minutes and a few months down the road Kingston hears his song on the radio, turns to a friend, and asks who it is, "it's pretty catchy."

I really want Ben E. King to march up to Sean Kingston in silence, look him up and down, take a big drag from a cigarette, blow it in Kingston's face, and then say, "You ruined my fucking song. Of all the versions of Stand By Me, yours is the one the finally broke my soul and made me weep. Music is dead. Get the fuck out of my way."

All I ask right now is that Sean Kingston issue a public apology for being a talentless asshole who releases shitty music.

Proposition 8 and This Whole Pointless Bullshit Gay Marriage Debate

2009-05-28T11:13:00.004-04:00

I'm not going to lie. I was piss drunk last night and I didn't think to post nor did I care to post. That's for anyone who noticed and cared. But I've got 2 updates today so fear not!

Well....this bullshit is back in the news. This whole gay marriage in Cali debate. Why, you ask? Good question and I'll tell you the answer: Because some people are, let's face it, pretty god damned stupid and unenlightened.

America likes to think it's a smart nation. I'm not bashing my neighbour here. There are many Americans that are fucking brilliant as far as I'm concerned. But think of it this way: they can safely remove tumors from a person's body and they put a man on the moon, yet they're arguing over whether or not two people should be allowed to marry? Doesn't that seem completely backwards?

I'm a guy that would like to see a change in marijuana laws (legalize, if you have to ask). As far as I'm concerned, gay marriage is even less of an issue than marijuana. I can understand why people would be hesitant to legalize weed. They believe what the government tells them and think it's dangerous or harmful or a gateway drug. But gay marriage? I see that as being unquestionably OK. Gay marriage, just like marijuana, does not give you lung cancer, it does not make you unmotivated, and it most certainly does not lead to harder gays, if you'll pardon my little pun.

Gay marriage does not affect anyone but the two people who are married and even then it's barely even noticeable. Personally I think marriage is a pointless, meaningless ritual, but I acknowledge that most people don't feel this way. So if they want to get married, let them get married.

Can anyone link me to any clips where an anti-gay marriage supporter is asked how gay marriage affects them personally? I've never heard that asked and I'd love to hear how they respond. I mean, complain until you're blue in the face like I do, but don't actually step in and make laws telling other people how to live their lives.

One day I hope to live in a world where drugs are legal, gay marriage is legal, there is no bullshit carbon tax, everyone's happy, and the government stops meddling into peoples' fucking lives. But until then we're going to have to listen to these "anti-assholes" and wait for the government to declare war. The War on Gays. It's truly going to be sad if gays need their own Rosa Parks or MLK to get the rights they deserve. When are these fucking idiots going to wake up?

The Wearable Towel

2009-05-26T21:55:00.005-04:00

Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha! Losers!

Honestly, I think if I'm ever having a slow idea night I'm just going to go into the infomercial vaults. Not that tonight is a slow idea night. There is just no shortage of completely inane products.

I wouldn't be caught dead in a wearable towel and this is coming from they guy that wore some pretty questionable clothing in high school and college. I wouldn't even want anyone to know I owned a wearable towel, let alone wore one. It's just so gosh darn embarrassing.

This is a females' product if anything. Some girls, let's face it, just buy some completely retarded things. If a girl wore this thing it would be downright dumb, but understandable on some level. But a man? I reckon any guy wearing one of these is automatically a huge douche.

Really, the guy getting the morning paper made the whole commercial for me. He gets the "Asshat of the Year Award" for sure. If that guy was my neighbour I would kick him in the balls and then promptly pack my shit up and move. I wouldn't want anyone to think we were friends or anything. That could severely ruin a guy's reputation.

But wearable towel aside, why would you even need to wear a normal towel when you're getting the paper? Are you spending several hours each day in a towel? Honestly, shower, dry off, and put some damn clothes on. Why anyone would need to wear a towel outside is beyond me. Trust me, your neighbours couldn't give two shits about your six-pack if that's what this is about. Cover up.

I'm not really sure which is worse, the wearable towel or the wearable blanket (Snuggie). Both of them are basically the same thing and both of them are completely unnecessary. And they're both bought buy the same two groups of people:

1) College kids who think the product is so stupid that they order one as a joke among friends. It arrives and it's funny for maybe 15 minutes and then it sits in the back of the closet, never to be worn again.

2) Empty-headed people who are convinced the product is a good idea and they will use it on a regular basis. It arrives and it's fun for maybe 15 minutes and then it sits in the back of the closet, never to be worn again.

My only regret about the wearable towel commercial is that none of the chicks were going toga style. That would have been the one thing that could have made this product somewhat reasonable. As it stands though....waste of money.

Stephen Harper

2009-05-25T18:55:00.003-04:00

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

I knew a Stephen Harper post was inevitable at some point and here we are. I'd like to first say that I hate this fucking puppet cocksucker asshole, but never have I felt the degree of hatred for him that I'm feeling right now. Mr. Harper, you're the George Bush of Canada and I want you out of office immediately. You're ruining this country as you bumble around with your stupid fucking smile and your stupid fucking voice and your stupid fucking hair. It would not surprise me to learn that after the above picture was taken you promptly devoured the cat. You are evil scum and fuck you.

I had to get that out of my system. Now I can tell you why I've suddenly exploded with "fucks" directed towards our shitty prime minister. Here's why: Ottawa's plan to fingerprint those not yet charged under fire.

I've been following this type of thing and it's happening in the States. Finally it's come to Canada and I'm fucking pissed. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of governments slowly taking away citizens' freedoms. We're supposed to be a fucking free country. This is complete horseshit.

I'm sick of freedoms being taken away in the name of security or efficiency. I'm sick of freedoms being taken away and the government telling us it's for our benefit. Lies, lies, lies. I know the government doesn't give two shits about me or anyone else in this country. They care about power and slowly they're working their way up to absolute power. The government doesn't have our best interests in mind. They'd be just as happy, scratch that, happier to see us all work 24 hours a day, completely under their thumb. They'd love it if we had no way of overthrowing bad, shitty governments like this one.

Why should I be treated like a suspect or a criminal when I've done nothing wrong? This is not innocent until proven guilty, this is guilty until proven innocent. Why should the police and the government have my fingerprints and picture if I haven't committed a crime? This is not for efficiency. This is another fuck up the ass that brings the government one step closer towards complete control.

It's the frog in boiling water analogy yet again. Slowly take away peoples' rights and they won't even notice. Until we all wake up one morning and realize we're living in a complete fucking police state. Screw travelling to the States too. I'm not getting a passport or one of these enhanced driver's licenses either. It's another fuck up the ass.

Stephen Harper's a puppet, Bush was a puppet, and I know a lot of people won't like it, but Obama's a puppet.

And while we're here, fuck the Patriot Act too.

Don't Forget the Lyrics

2009-05-24T21:56:00.006-04:00

If you've never seen this horrible excuse for a TV show, consider yourself lucky. This has got to be hands-down, without question, one of the worst shows ever conceived in the history of time. I would beg on my knees for Two and a Half Men before I agreed to watch this pile of crap again.

First of all, I'd like to acknowledge the stunning marketing department who came up with such a knock-out title. Please. Don't Forget the Lyrics? It's like they gave one guy 5 seconds and no more to come up with a name for the show.
"Uh- uh- UH! DON'T FORGET THE LYRICS"
"Aaaaand time! There you have it folks, let's run with it!"

Well, on the plus side the title gives you fair warning of the intellect you're about to discover on the show when you sit down to watch. I think at this point I've seen somewhere in between 2 and 3 full episodes of the show and the contestants still haven't gotten any brighter. Every time it's these bottom-of-the-IQ-barrel, overly enthusiastic, airheads with big smiles on their faces. And boy, do they ever have great singing voices.

On to the content, once again I ask myself "Who the hell would ever want to watch this shit?" It's the same feeling I get with those fucking poker championship shows all over the tube. Why would anyone ever want to watch somebody else playing cards? In this case, why the fuck would you care to watch Fox's glammed-up version of your local bar's "Bad Karaoke Night"? The real thing is bad enough. This thing ain't even live and the people aren't even drunk. Where is the fun? In the money all the greedy assholes are after? Are you entertained by a bunch of glowing lights and scrolling text? Do you just like that hunk Wayne Brady? I don't get it.

I feel sorry for the clearly talented musicians on the show that have to be associated with this low-brow crap. Clearly they're good enough that they could be doing much better. These guys probably cry themselves to sleep every night.

Christ, there are better things on TV. Dancing With the Stars and Fox News, for instance.

Road Warriors Part 2

2009-05-23T16:12:00.003-04:00

It's been a while since the last Road Warriors post so it's time for Part 2.

People With a Lot of Stuffed Animals in Their Rear Window

It's a car, not your child's playpen. And if you don't even have children....what the hell is wrong with you?

And why does it always seem to be Winnie the Pooh characters? Why do so many people feel the need to have a bunch of Tigger and Piglet toys in their car? Not to mention the Pooh Bear window shades.

So you have a kid, good for you. So do a ton of other people. You don't need to flaunt it. You're not a super-special mommy and your toys aren't cute. Get that crap out of your window.

One of these days your mother will be in critical condition in an ambulance that is trying to get around your slow ass. She will die before the ambulance reaches the hospital and if Dora the Explorer hadn't been grinning at you in the rearview, you might have pulled over to let the ambulance pass and you mother would still be alive. Your stupid animals won't be so cute then.

Overly Friendly Courtesy Waves

In case the title was a little confusing, this is when you let someone merge and they give you the courtesy wave. But they take it too far and literally wave at you. They don't just give the open-handed, five-fingers-up-in-the-air, rear window signal. They give you the wave where they actually shake their hand back and forth.

Christ, I'm just letting you onto the highway, I'm not trying to make friends with you. Stop waving at me like a crazy person. There's too much god damned friendliness in today's world. Sometimes I wish someone would just up and start a war or something.

I appreciate the courtesy wave, don't get me wrong, but when I see someone frantically waving at me through their rear window I imagine the person at the wheel is dangerously happy. I always expect to pass them and look over and see a guy grinning maniacally and drooling. And perhaps he has large, random patches of hair shaved out of his head. When I get an overly friendly courtesy wave I think that maybe it's best I don't share the road with this lunatic for too long.

The worst part is that a lot of the time these raving wavers are mommies with a bunch of crap in their back window.

Our Dumb World

2009-05-22T19:45:00.004-04:00

No affiliation with the Onion, which by the way is awesome. It's just the best way to describe this horror.

I was watching CNN again and they flashed up one of their polls (what you see above). Please, please for the love of god tell me I'm missing something or they just wanted to have a "silly poll". Please tell me we're not actually at the point where this is an honest question.

When they passed the bailout bill without reading it I was flabbergasted. I thought, "How could these assholes possibly get away with this?" Why would anyone ever consider passing legislation without even knowing what they're passing? This is completely unacceptable.

When I voted the obvious YES answer in the poll, the results showed that 23 people had voted NO. I'm honestly dying for an explanation. I really hope it's just mischievous people and there aren't people who don't have a problem with legislation that affects everyone being passed without even being looked at. If you would vote no, I really would like to hear why you feel that way.

Think of it like this: if Congress didn't read anything they voted on you could put whatever you wanted into the legislation and it would get passed. Think of what would happen if somebody slipped something into a bill that completely took away every civilian's rights. Congress passes it and presto, you are the government's property. They can do whatever they want to you and can make you do anything they want. If you refuse you are thrown in jail or killed. I'm not trying to sound extremist here, just an example. You'd probably wish that the bill was read.

Of course Congress should have to read everything they vote on. The fact that this is even being asked on such a reputable news network is sickening. And the fact that Congress can do and has done this without much opposition is just more proof that the government is fucking with us constantly and we're mostly just rolling over and taking it. Fuck.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

2009-05-21T19:21:00.002-04:00

This game easily deserves the title of being both the best and the worst game ever made. I defy you to find one parent on the entire planet who truly thinks Hungry Hungry Hippos is a good idea for a game. I highly doubt anyone's ever said, "Daddy's got a splitting headache. You kids get out the Hungry Hungry Hippos and let him rest."

It has to be hands-down the noisiest game ever invented. You can't play it quietly. It's impossible. Man, you talk about great game soundtracks, from start to finish the game is nothing but CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK! That and children giggling loudly (and maybe even the odd internet ranter).

It's like the creators deliberately set out to piss off as many parents as they could. "Ve're going to create a monster today, people. Ve need to come up vis a children's game so noisy and annoying zat every parent vill vish for early death....zat is until ve create a line of furry toy robots zat von't shut up! Zen zee parents vill BEG for zee Hippos! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Besides being incredibly loud, Hungry Hungry Hippos takes absolutely no skill whatsoever to play and win. You just smack a hippo's ass repeatedly and hope for the best. You can't really be good at it. It's all luck. Really, the only way you can be at a disadvantage is if you have no limbs.

My last gripe with Hungry Hungry Hippos is the marbles. For one, they always seem to slowly disappear until you realize that the reason that none your games have lasted longer than 3 seconds is because you're only playing with 2 marbles. Those bastards are hard to replace too. You can't use regular glass marbles because they're too big. I mean, come on, it's a hippo for Christ's sake. One of the largest mouths in the animal kingdom. You should be able to fit a Hyundai in there. But these pansies can't even swallow a marble.

And even after all that, still, Hungry Hungry Hippos: Best Fucking Game Ever.

People Who Dont Get Steven Tyler and Aerosmith

2009-05-20T22:46:00.004-04:00

May I deliver a message the 15-year old girl "Aerosmith fans" out there? Yes?

Fuck you.

Perhaps there were a few in that bunch that didn't deserve it. I'd like to say that I'm an Aerosmith fan. But I'm not one of the bullshit fans I'm posting about tonight.

Aerosmith is not about being a fucking sex symbol. As far as I can tell, no one in Aerosmith is "sexy". Aerosmith is about being at death's door and then coming back and still making good music.

Old school Aerosmith fans get it. Teenage girls don't. Steven Tyler is not sexy. He looks like a meth addict. And that's the point. Aerosmith IS...WAS... drugs. They've been there. They are not there to make 14 year old girls wet. They are not the Backstreet Boys. Aerosmith is about sex, drugs, and rock and roll, not exclusively "he's so hot!"

Back in the day Steven Tyler was looking for coke and a cigarette, not 14 year olds telling him that "Dream On was awesome!" You didn't scream to Joe Perry that he was sexy. You put a good cigar in his mouth, lit it, and hoped that he would look at you in gratitude.

Aerosmith is not for teenage wimps. They are for people who have been doing cocaine for 14 hours straight and are now at least 10 beers deep.

Aerosmith shouldn't be applauded for their sexiness, they should be applauded for their ability to persevere through incredible drug abuse. Aerosmith is badass, not sexy. That is all.

People Who Sit in "Drive-Thru Alley"

2009-05-19T21:30:00.003-04:00

You're probably asking yourself what the title means. Well, not to worry, I'm here to explain of course.

The "drive-thru alley" sitter is the person in the restaurant who sits at the table or booth right next to the window facing the drive-thru line. So when you're waiting in your car in the line you're like 5 feet away from this person and you can see their table and everything on it. If there wasn't a plate of glass separating you from this person they'd pretty much be able to feed you as you sit waiting to order.

These people make me nervous because I always end up looking in at their table and for a few moments we share that nervous eye contact. You know what I mean. You're looking at someone and they catch you looking at them so you quickly look away. But then you think, "Are they still looking at me?" So you look back and they are. And then they get nervous and do the same thing. You don't want them to think you're staring at them, you just want to know if they're staring at you! It's another of those awkward human moments.

So there's that. But I also feel like I'm invading their privacy even though they're the ones that chose to sit right by the window. I pull up in the line and end up next to them and I feel like I'm non-verbally saying to them, "Hey, folks! Don't mind if I just scoot in here and watch you eat, do you? Just checking in to see how everything's going at your table." I feel like an uninvited guest who doesn't even want to be an uninvited guest. I just kind of wandered into the trap.

The worst is when there's more than one person at the table. I imagine them talking about me. "Don't look now but there's a weird fucking guy with long hair peering over your shoulder in the drive-thru line. He keeps looking at me nervously. What's his problem? He's probably on drugs or something. I think I'm really creeping him out somehow. This is fun, let's always sit here!"

At this point I've become so fixated on the people just inside the window that I haven't noticed that the line has long since moved up and the guy behind me is now blaring his horn and hollering at me from his window. His honking is justified but I think calling me a "fucking prick" was a bit much. It's weird, but for me, holding the drive-thru line up is much less awkward than staring at the "drive-thru alley" sitters...

The Bilderberg Group

2009-05-18T21:37:00.003-04:00

PREFACE: When I started this site I told myself I'd keep it at least somewhat lighthearted and "dumbed down" if you will (writing about things we can all relate to and perhaps laugh at). I didn't want to go Alex Jones on everyone and start filling all my space up with what most would call conspiracy theories, and I won't. But this topic has been eating at me for the past week or so and I've honestly found it hard to write about the "dumbed down" topics. So I feel like I need to go Alex Jones on everyone and just get this off my chest so I can get back to the normal fun stuff. Thank you for your understanding.

Have you heard about the Bilderberg Group? Most likely no, and I don't feel any mightier than you because I have. The reason that you may not have heard of the Bilderbergs is because the mainstream media generally doesn't cover anything to do with them.

I can't even come close to giving you all the details here, but you're a big person, you can do your own research. I'm going to give you a description in a nutshell. The Bilderbergs are a group of approximately 150 of some of the most powerful people in the world. The group is made up of big bankers, politicians, corporate fatcats, and other people with a lot of sway. The meet every year in a different city and their list of invitees changes from year to year, though there are several "regulars".

Their meetings are kept as secret as possible. Like I said, the mainstream media generally doesn't cover it. The list of invitees is kept secret but it has a tendency to be leaked eventually. What is discussed at these meetings is also kept mum, but again, certain topics are often leaked. The security at the meetings is incredibly high. You can't even get close to the meeting building and Wiki Charlie Skelton for an idea of how seriously security is taken.

This year's meeting was in Athens and ran last Thursday to last Saturday. I'd like to link you to just two articles that sum it up nicely and I'll hope you'll take the time to read them.
Leaked Agenda: Bilderberg Group Plans Economic Depression
Bilderberg Inside Scoop: Elitists Want Global Department Of Health, Global Treasury

The main reason I chose those two articles is because they focus on predictions, past and present. This is not just some random, far-out theory that someone made up. There is actually something happening here. The thing about a lot of conspiracies is that often the majority of people don't realize anything's going on until it's too late. I'm here to pass this info along because I'm without question the guy that knows the conspiracy side of things in any one group. I'm the conspiracy connection. If I didn't pass this stuff along to my non-conspiracy friends they might not ever know about it.

I expect to be called nuts so do it if you have to. I could be completely wrong. That's what frustrates me. In my mind, there is no way of knowing whether I'm listening to the truth or just a bunch of garbage. That goes for conspiracy theories as well as mainstream media. So if I'm wrong I'm wrong and I'm nuts, Bob's your uncle. But if all this world government shit is happening, hey, you're bound to realize it at some point. And the sooner you know all of this stuff the better off you'll be and the better prepared you'll be to fight it, if indeed that's what you feel is best.

I think I've said everything I wanted to about this and I'm glad because now I can get back to the normal routine instead of having this tearing at me. Finally, I will not respond to any tin-foil hat comments because it's been done to death, it's not funny, it's not realistic, and usually the people who resort to it have no actual argument.

Keep fighting the good fight, little buddies.

P.S. I forgot to mention the real reason Bilderberg is evil: Tim Geithner attended the most recent meeting and as far as I'm concerned, any place that asshole walks automatically becomes tainted. Tim Geithner has the Midasshole Touch.

Quilts and Short Blankets

2009-05-17T21:21:00.003-04:00

I had a somewhat rough awakening this morning. Last night was my last night at the cottage and despite that fact, I went easy on the "brainstorming". See, and you bastards didn't believe me. I still maintain that there was no beer. But my point is that my rough morning wasn't from the gobs of creative thinking from the previous night. It was from a short blanket!

This has to be a ton of people's worst pet peeve. It's just not one that comes to mind until you're actually stuck in the situation. When your blanket or quilt is too short to fully cover you. Either your feet stick out the bottom or you can only remain covered up to the waist. Both are mind-numbingly annoying.

Is there anyone who actually thinks short blankets are a good idea? A-ha! I just found a picture of exactly what I mean. I woke up under this bullshit this morning. These blankets are possibly the worst thing in the world. As far as I'm concerned they are only meant for two things:

1) Keeping people's feet warm when they watch TV. And what's the point of that? Frankly I just don't trust anyone who claims to be OK with having a blanket cover half of their body or less. Anyone who sees me in a blanket is quite sure that the mob was recently at my place and got bored before they could dump my rolled up body into the lake. When it comes to blanketing, I'm pretty hardcore.

2) Smoking doobies on during Sabbath reunion shows. Bonus points if it's during Sweet Leaf. But this argument falls a little flat considering that blankets aren't traditionally used for this. The blanket isn't even serving much of a purpose, really. In this situation would you really miss the blanket if it weren't there? I think not.

So why do so many people have one of these dumbass blankets? It seems like everyone I know has one. Either granny secretly likes to get high and rock out or she's completely lost her mind. Honestly, guys, we need to stop with this half-blanket crap and start producing some good old-fashioned normal sized blankets. This is an important plan and we mustn't get cold feet on it...

...Just terrible.

I'm Going on Vacation, Bitch!

2009-05-15T20:12:00.003-04:00

It's the long weekend and I'm going to do you all a favour. I'm going on vacation! The purpose of this vacation is to drink a lot-ahem...to brainstorm. When I return on Sunday I will have a plethora of fresh ideas. And probably a hangover. I mean...I'll probably have a new found appreciation for life after spending a lovely couple of days waking up to the smell of lavendar, the breeze gently blowing through my window, easing me into the morning. There definitely won't be beer. Just chai tea and hard work. This vacation is completely for your benefit, I assure you.

Here's one more quickie to tide you over: Don't you hate bumblebees? Giant, hairy monsters loudly buzzing around. They're too damn fast and unpredictable. Insects are generally creepy enough as it is. The last thing we need are big, hairy ones. Bumblebees are fucking gross.

This Cruel, Cruel Week

2009-05-14T22:09:00.004-04:00

I don't like to bring my personal life into my updates because frankly, you probably don't care all that much. But since I have neither the inspiration or energy to come up with something better tonight, well, you'll just have to endure.

You ever see that movie The Truman Show? I swear I have a show of my own that tons of people must be watching right now. And I do believe this week is the "Try to Break His Will to Go On" sweeps. This week has been god damn dreadful.

I started getting sick on Monday. Sneezing like a bastard and runny/stuffy nose. About the same on Tuesday. Today I developed the cough that I knew would be inevitable. It's horsecrap because even though my illnesses clear up in a few days, my coughs go on for weeks. I don't know what it is. Tonight I just feel fucking drained and I want to go home.

The rest of the week aside from being sick? Monday/Tuesday I had the exercise soreness. Tuesday after work at 11:30pm my truck broke down on the highway. Once again I payed the price for not having a cell phone, but my pride is too strong to crack because of that. I had to endure 45 minutes of awkward conversation with a tow truck driver. What the hell do you talk to a tow truck driver about? My truck had to be kept at the garage for a couple days and the repairs are going to be about $1000. Back in the god damn hole again.

Today I was scheduled to be into work at 1pm. I had no vehicle and my work sure as hell isn't biking distance so I phoned my brother who then drove 40 minutes just to help me out. He picked me up and I spent another hour and a half commuting to work. I get to work and find out that I'm not even needed there anymore. Thanks for letting me know.

I do the same shitty pick-up/commute all the way home and rest for approximately half an hour before borrowing my dad's truck and driving in for my normal shift. Why didn't I just stay at work? It's complicated, but I assure you there is a good reason. You don't want to hear it, I don't want to write it.

I arrive at work and a note tells me that I'm an hour late. Apparently I was supposed to come in early and again nobody fucking told me. Now someone hates me just because I didn't do something I didn't even know I was supposed to do. And I spent the rest of the night weakly doing the same old shit at work, suicide making more and more sense with each passing minute.

Before the week is through I expect to have swine flue, have my truck stolen, get fired, and run out of toilet paper. It's bad, but hey, at least I'll be prepared for it.

Smart Reporters, Dumb Behaviour

2009-05-13T21:52:00.005-04:00

I was watching CNN earlier today and they had the usual Robert Gibbs conference on at around 2. This particular conference was a regular hootenanny though. The reporters seemed to be asking Gibbs some pretty smart questions, but that was all ruined by the behaviour you see above.

How do you not know that your cell phone ringing during a White House press conference would be a distraction to everyone in the room? Even though the video only shows two, I'm pretty sure at least 3 cell phones rang during today's conference and on the 3rd one Gibbs stopped joking around and told everyone to put their phones on vibrate, clearly annoyed.

How does this even happen? How do 3-4 different cell phones ring in the span of about 20 minutes in the same press conference? The second guy in the video was a complete asshole. He actually answers his phone and holds everything up before he finally realizes that maybe he should take his stupid bullshit outside. Then he strolls back in while Gibbs is answering another question (not in the video) and he doesn't even seem like he's sorry for interrupting things like an ass. Gibbs jokingly welcomed him back.

Congratulations, reporters, you've succeeded in turning the White House press conference into a fucking kindergarten class. The nerve. At least there was some mild public shaming. That kinda made up for it. I guess.

The First Jog of the Year

2009-05-12T19:43:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I started running again after slacking over the winter because I'm not one of those insane joggers that runs in blizzards. And treadmills don't seem to be my thing. I've been getting a little bit doughy again so I decided it was time to stop being lazy and hit the road.

Since it had been several months since my last run, I figured I should start out easy and not do any epic runs. I stretched for a few minutes and then ran to the end of my road and back which is about 3.5km. When I got back home I was actually quite proud of how I did for a first go. I really thought it would be more agonizing than it was.

Later on that day some odd circumstances caused me to power-walk for a straight hour and I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Around the time I got home from work (12:30am) the day's exercise started to catch up with me. Today I've really felt it.

My hips hurt, my hamstrings hurt, my thighs hurt, my ass hurts, my groin hurts, my lower abs hurt, even my hair hurts. That and my new "old man walk" indicate to me that perhaps I overdid it just a touch. Seriously, I'm shuffling along. I can't even take full steps without feeling the aches.

The only thing I really want right now is to go home, soak my ass in steaming hot water for a good hour, and then have some cute, nimble-fingered Asian girl to dry me off and massage me for like 12 days. That would be like the best thing ever right now.

The moral of the story is that I shouldn't be such a lazy fatass.

Yorkdale Mall

2009-05-11T22:02:00.003-04:00

I haven't even been there in like a month and I'm still traumatized. I'm pretty sure this mall is the worst place in the world ever.

To begin with, I hate going to malls. If you see me within 100 feet of a mall entrance chances are there is someone holding my hand tightly as I scream bloody murder. The mall is just a huge cesspool of dumb shit. Dumb stores, dumb items, and most of all, dumb people. I walk through the mall and all I see are stores selling crap that nobody needs. And it's all on sale, folks!

Walk through any mall and I guarantee you there won't be one store in there without a big-ass "30% Off Sale" sign in the window. The god damn whole mall is on sale. Holy fuck, do I ever hate the mall. Malls are for fucking idiots.

Now on to Yorkdale. Take my raw hatred for regular malls...now multiply the "moron factor" by approximately one hundred billion trillion million billion. Trust me, it's a real number. But what I mean by that is the people there are so much dumber than the usual mall crowds. It's a shuffling sea of whiteboys, loud black girls, and god damned flat brimmed hats. It's constantly jam-packed with the worst kind of young people: the rapper gangstas and their hos.

Inevitably I always see one old white guy who's got a "holy fucking shit" look on his face. Like he should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque. "Sweet baby Jesus, what the hell have I stepped into here?"

Yorkdale Mall: dumb stores, dumb items, dumb kiosks, loud annoying rappers. Honestly why is everyone so damn loud at Yorkdale? The whole mall is a huge shouting match. The only reason I ever go to that mall is to use the subway and when it finally arrives and I board, the only thing I can think of is, "Good God, hurry up and close the doors and speed me away from this fucking nightmare pronto."

And speaking of the subway, 6 bucks for morning subway parking now?!?! What the fuck?!

My Rainbow Shirt

2009-05-10T21:42:00.002-04:00

That's not my shirt. In fact my rainbow shirt looks nothing like that. And truth be told, I like my rainbow shirt. I just can't stand people commenting on it. Hmmmm...people commenting on a rainbow shirt. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I'm sure anyone reading this has, at one time, purchased an article of clothing and realized in hindsight that it maybe wasn't such a good idea. Such is the case with my rainbow shirt.

If you have seen my rainbow shirt and have thought of commenting on it, or if you know someone who would like to comment on it, please direct yourself or that person to the following two sentences:

a) No, I am not gay.
b) Yes, I realize I look like a fucking rainbow.

The whole reason I bought the shirt (sever years ago now) was because I was at a point in my life where I desired only the brightest, most colourful clothes I could find. I thought that was a cool style and though I dress more conservatively now, the rainbow shirt remains. It has nothing to do with sexuality or wanting to look like a weather phenomenon. These days I only wear the shirt because it's a fucking shirt and it fits.

Earlier this week I was talking to a co-worker about how he was "quitting smoking cold turkey tomorrow". A couple days later he was out smoking again. I haven't commented on it, nor will I because I assume he's dealt with a bunch of cute remarks from other people already. I figure he's got to be sick of it.

Will others follow my example? Can't people just assume that I've heard all the cutesy "gay" and "rainbow" comments from enough people already and just leave it alone?

No, I'm not going to stop wearing the shirt for fear that someone will mistake my sexuality. Like I said, it's a shirt, it fits, and it's comfortable. That's a good reason to wear a shirt as far as I'm concerned. I am, however, fully open to any witty retorts I can dish out to these dimwits so they'll think twice about making remarks about someone's shirt.

...Sorry, folks, I've got too much shit going on tonight to put any real effort into an update.

People Who Drive White Crown Victorias

2009-05-09T18:30:00.004-04:00

I say we enforce either of the following:

1) Start making vehicles that are exclusive to police departments.
2) If people want to drive white Crown Vics, make vehicle decals mandatory.

I'm really getting sick and tired of scrambling to put down my bong and nachos just because some grandpa wants to drive a police car. What, pray tell, is wrong with a nice Buick? Or why not drive a stunning green Crown Victoria? No, you have to come speeding past me in your white car of trickery and leave me choking on pot smoke and corn snacks. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I think deep down anyone who drives a white Crown Victoria and is not a police officer is an asshole. How can you go through the process of buying this car and not once think that you're going to make a bunch of people nervous every day? You have know that you're often going to get stuck behind people driving the speed limit because you look like an unmarked car in the rearview. Weapons smugglers are needlessly sweating bullets and maybe even shitting their pants because of you, you sick bastards!

Maybe decals aren't enough. Just to be safe we should put a giant bobbing smiley face on the roof of every white Crown Vic just so people know for sure there's just a normal asshole driving the car, not one with a badge.

Just a small idea of mine to help us all rest a little easier as we break the law.

The New Juicy Fruit Commercial

2009-05-07T21:20:00.003-04:00

I know a lot of commercials insult my intelligence, but this one seems to blatantly and shamelessly insult my intelligence.

First of all, I've seen this commercial several (too many) times and until tonight I had no idea who Julianna Hough was. I had to Google her and when I left the images section and removed "nude" from the search bar, it became clear to me who she was and why the fine people at Juicy Fruit thought this commercial would sell gum.

See, Julianna Hough is a country artist who apparently made a splash on Dancing With the Stars, a show that I've never watched and probably never will. People will fucking watch anything. Why would I want to waste an hour of my life watching celebrities dancing? Dancing is stupid and celebrities are stupid. Combined, it's just a huge typhoon of idiocy. But I digress.

So I guess if you're making a commercial targeted towards people who watch Dancing With the Stars, you don't need to display a whole lot of intellect or have a whole lot of content to be able to sell your product. Reading the comments on this commercial on Youtube is proof enough. Half of them are "OMGZZZ! She's so hot! I want to buy Juicy Fruit! LULZ!!!"

That's my problem with this commercial. It's fucking mindless. It's like the marketing people at Juicy Fruit sat down and made the decision, "Let's just get a fucking hot celebrity to dance around for 30 seconds and kick our gum around. Nothing else. Just dancing and hotness. People are morons and they'll eat that shit right up."

Yeah, sex sells, but this is just embarrassing. Aren't we past this? This is like the 50s when most people could be sold just by having an attractive girl in the ad. I thought we were smarter than this now, what with the internet and all. People are supposed to be disillusioned by this shit. We're supposed to be aware of basic advertising techniques so we're not brainwashed into buying every little thing just because there's a girl selling it. We're regressing, I tells ya.

Dancing and hotness are not enough for me. If you want to sell me something you'd better get off your ass and put some effort into your commercials and come up with something really creative or clever.

And that fucking smile over the shoulder at the end is not cute. It seems incredibly contrived and makes me want to vomit.

Medusa From The Rescuers

2009-05-06T10:35:00.003-04:00

My God, what a big heaping pile of bitch. Everything she says just makes you want to kick her squarely in the box.

Until last night I hadn't seen the Rescuers for a while. Both of the DVD players I own have crapped out at the same time so lately I've been watching VHS movies. And since DVD is the standard now, you can imagine that most of my VHS movies are ones from when I was a kid. So I watched the Rescuers last night.

SPOILER ALERT!

I feel obligated to say that even though I know that anyone who reads this
a) has seen the Rescuers
b) really doesn't give a fuck whether or not I give away details to a childrens' movie

So in the movie Medusa kidnaps a small orphan girl named Penny because she's looking for a huge diamond called the Devil's Eye. The diamond is buried down in a cave that adults can't fit into so that's why Penny was kidnapped. Medusa and her pussy-whipped, wimpy husband Snoops live on a shitty riverboat with Penny and basically treat her like ass all the time.

Medusa is seriously an ugly, snooty, bitch of a cunt, whatever that means. She is like turbo-bitch. Super robo-bitch. She had Penny lowered into the cave in a bucket to find the diamond and wouldn't pull her back up until it was in Penny's hands, even when the fucking tide came in and Penny and the Rescuers almost died. I mean, I've heard of being on the rag, but this is not normal. This requires therapy or medication.

Then when she finally got the diamond, super-robo-turbo-bitch defied the impossible and became even bitchier. She kept the diamond all for herself and held her own husband and a small child up at gunpoint. That was until the Rescuers showed up, oh ho ho!

Medusa got completely boom-roasted I'm proud to say. I won't go through everything, but in the end Penny stole her swamp-mobile and her diamond and Medusa was launched into a stack in the middle of the bayou and clung there as her two pet alligators snapped at her ankles and her husband pointed and laughed at her. The last time we see her she is clinging to this fat pipe wailing over her precious diamond. Slam!

Unfortunately I got carried away last night and drunkenly cheered at 4am, waking everyone up. When I became aware of this, I also discovered that in my excitement I had hurled an empty whiskey bottle at the TV screen and it was at that point when I decided perhaps it was best that I just go to bed.

I still don't know how the movie ended but I think Penny got adopted by the swamp creatures and now has severe social and mental deficiencies. Great flick.

Inadvertently Wearing Matching Colours

2009-05-05T20:27:00.004-04:00

Unless it's black. This must be one of my little quirks, but it annoys me. I can't stand throwing on an outfit and then discovering that my shirt and pants are the exact same colour. Black is OK though. In fact, all black looks very classy.

I honestly don't know why it gets on my nerves. Maybe subconsciously I relate it to wearing a tracksuit. They often look dumb to me. Maybe it's a subconscious gender role issue with me. I've been conditioned to believe that men just throw shit on and leave the house and women put effort and care into the outfit they're wearing. If I end up wearing matching colours people will think I put some actual thought into what I'm wearing and consider me girly! Can't have that.

Brown is iffy but acceptable for me. On one hand I feel like Dennis Muthafuckin' Hopper, which would almost make total brownness not only acceptable but encouraged. But on the other hand, UPS had to come along and rain on that parade of awesomeness. Because when you wear all brown people don't come up to you and say, "Whoa! You look like Dennis Muthafuckin' Hopper, man!" They say, "Haha, hey Mr. UPS Man!" Bastards.

When I was a kid I wanted to be an astronaut. Exploring space and meeting Martians were the only two things I wanted to do with my life. That was until I discovered that spacesuits were all white! Or maybe orange or sometimes blue. But that was it for me. I knew that I'd never be an astronaut and I sobbed for weeks. And I knew that I could never fall back on being a serial killer because sooner or later I'd end up in an orange prison jumpsuit.

My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes.

Classical Crossover

2009-05-04T20:40:00.002-04:00

I know my classical music. Not only was I a classical aficionado for several years, the nature of my job exposes me to classical music 5 days a week. So I know what I'm talking about here. Now...

To any budding classical music fans, I have one very important thing to tell you and here it is: no matter how badly you want them to be, Josh Groban, Sarah Brightman, Andrea Bocelli, Paul Potts, and film scores are not classical music. Especially Josh Groban. In fact, Josh Groban may someday receive his own entry just because he irritates me so much. Anyway, this music (with the exception of film scores) is what is called classical crossover. It's like classical meets pop. And it's shit.

Now that I've said that, I'd like to address that these people do perform operatic repertoire and that's the one thing that keeps me from completely disrespecting everything they do. But why does everyone melt over their bullshit songs like Time to Say Goodbye (the video above)? Con te partiro is the fucking worst. I've heard it way too many times, morons love it, and it's not even a great song to begin with.

People apparently listen to this and think it's opera. There is nothing I'd love more than to see Puccini, Rossini, Verdi, and Wagner crawl out of their graves and kick these peoples' asses.

I think my main problem with classical crossover is that I think of it as being sort of the Miley Cyrus of the classical music world. Today's mainstream music is all dumbed down and classical music is no exception. I hear so much great music today that never gets radio airplay or publicity because some jackass decided that it wouldn't make any money so it's no good. Instead they'll give people Miley Cyrus because she's good looking. But the music is FUCKING BULLSHIT. And that's the problem with the music industry. It's the "hotness industry" not the music industry. People apparently don't mind mediocre music if the singer is hot.

Classical crossover is the same. Everyone likes it because it's melodramatic and catchy and sounds more refined than Fergie because there are classical instruments involved and it's sung in an operatic way. And hey, most of the time the singers are hot. But it's garbage! Verdi never would have written crap like Besame Mucho. Well...he might have. He would have written it with his ass cheeks in less than 5 minutes and then wiped his ass with the manuscript after realizing he could do so much better.

And I'm sick of English rock songs being passed off as something more sophisticated just by transcribing it to classical instrumentation and changing the lyrics to Italian. Doesn't work that way. Paul Potts sings "Ognuno Soffre" (or R.E.M.'s Everybody Hurts to normal people). My theory is that they change the lyrics to Italian because if singers sang the words in English against a classical backing, they'd be ridiculed for doing a cheesy version of a song. But people are so dumb that if you just change the lyrics to another language, the song now becomes "refined" and "passionate" and "breathtaking".

Finally, film scores. I don't mind them nearly as much because they're a lot closer to classical music than Josh Groban. But again, the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack isn't classical music. It's instrumental music. This is a young person thing. Everyone loves the Pirates soundtrack. Well of course you do. It's not like that boring old Haydn. This has cymbal crashes and shit. It's exciting and brief enough to keep your dull little mind stimulated.

Anyway, I'm getting sick of writing this. There are some notes from a music snob.

Dickhead Birds

2009-05-03T19:55:00.003-04:00

The seagull I saw today was being a complete asshole. Not to me though. If I were ever in a fight with a seagull I'd probably lose. He'd probably be pecking at my face as I tried to reason with him verbally. Seagulls show no mercy even with pacifists.

But today I saw a seagull in a parking lot with a much smaller bird. They were fighting over a small scrap of food. The tiny bird would peck at it and then the seagull would pick it up in it's beak and move it away from the little bird. So the little bird would hop around and try to peck at it again and the seagull would pick it up and move it away again. What an asshole!

This continued for a couple minutes until the tiny bird got frustrated and flew away and the seagull proudly enjoyed the scrap of food. I wish the seagull would have just shared. It was kind of a dick move for him to use his size against the tiny bird. It reminded me of two brothers. You know, when the little brother wants something the big brother has and the big brother holds it way above his head. All the little kid can do is cry and desperately jump for it. Or knock the big kid in the balls and steal the item when he bends over in pain. I wish the tiny bird would have knocked the seagull in the balls.

Really though, if we humans can arm countries we're supposedly at war with, surely seagulls can give their bird brothers the end of a french fry. Is the end of a fry really too much for a tiny little birdie to ask?

The Lowe's Help Button

2009-05-02T21:06:00.003-04:00

If you're not aware, the Help Button is a service that Lowe's has. In every aisle they have a button that you can press that alerts the staff members that there is someone in that aisle that needs assistance. Please.

Let me just say that I'm sick and tired of all this customer pampering that is ever increasing. I'm sick of people getting free shit from the movie store if the movie the want is out. I'm sick of complimentary coupons. I'm sick of playgrounds inside fast food restaurants. I'm sick of "your business is important to us." I'm sick of companies bending over backwards and trying to make things right for unhappy customers. It's turning us into a population of self-important assholes and people take advantage of it. Act unsatisfied, get some free shit.

Now, the Lowe's help button isn't giving people free shit, but it's another customer pampering device and that's why I don't like it. I know it'll rarely happen just because of business fundamentals, but just once I'd like to see some badass shop owner say, "Don't like my store? Take your pansy ass somewhere else then."

Is there something wrong with taking a walk around the store and finding some acne-ridden teenage employee who can help you? Is it that much of an inconvenience to actually do 20 seconds of work? If I had suggested 50 years ago to a hardware store employee that they should look into installing Help Buttons in each aisle to help customers, I would have been asked, "What, are your legs broken?"

I've never pushed a Lowe's Help Button and I assume I never will. Personally I'd feel like tool. Imagine that, a tool in a hardware store. I picture myself pushing the button and then smugly waiting there with my arms crossed, tapping my toe as a Lowe's worker approaches me with a look that says, "You. You lazy piece of shit. You fucking astound me."

Maybe I'm just a guy that likes to help people. I think I'm just practical. I don't feel the need to treat the employees of a store I'm visiting like shit. I don't feel like they're obligated to wait on me like I'm British royalty. I like to meet people halfway. If you're kind enough to take some time out to help me, I'll help you by going to find you, not by standing there paging you like an arrogant prick.

I'm not necessarily saying that we should completely abolish the Help Button, but there are certain things you can do with it that would deter people from using and abusing it. For example, how about when you press it the following is played through the store's intercom: "Attention Lowe's employees. There is, at this moment, a worthless excuse for a person who needs assistance in Aisle 8. Please treat them with care, as their fucking legs must be broken. We realize that you are likely busy with other more important things at the moment, but again, the lazy sumbitch in Aisle 8 has evidently decided that moving is too much work. I know, it sucks, but if you can take care of that...the boss will buy you a beer or something. Lowe's apologizes for this inconvenience and thanks our valuable customers who can actually be bothered to do shit for themselves. Have a great day!"

You'd probably think twice about pushing the Help Button if you knew the store was going to publicly call you a lazy sumbitch, huh? Public shaming kicks ass.

Horse Shit

2009-05-01T20:53:00.003-04:00

I guess it was bound to happen at some point in my life. I finally saw a real live horse shitting today. It's not as great as you probably think it is.

Living in this Youtube world, I've seen a lot of videos of animals shitting. No, I don't seek out these videos. They just come up on variety sites and such.

Real life is different though. This was no video. This was not some guy with a camera phone at the circus who captured Jumbo dropping a deuce. This was me riding my bike down the road and...."What the fuck, the horse is shitting!"

It's not like I wanted to watch a horse take a shit today. But once your eye catches it, you're in for the entire ride. You know in your head that you can't look away because something like this might not happen again until you're well into your seventies. You don't want to watch a shitting horse, yet you have to.

What a stupid entry. Think of the embarrassment of the horse if it ever read this. Not only did someone catch it taking a shit, that person went home and wrote about the whole thing on the internet. I'd be stomping mad.

Too Many Gadgets in the Fucking Car!

2009-04-30T20:42:00.003-04:00

Maybe these car companies wouldn't be such failures if they had stuck to building normal fucking cars instead of pumping a bunch of stupid, pointless gadgets into everything. No, that wouldn't work. People are too fat and happy and gadget-crazy and they wouldn't buy sensible cars. Wake up, you morons! You have too many gadgets in the fucking car!

The following accessories, in my opinion, are completely dumb.

-Power anything. Locks, windows...what have you.
-DVD players
-TV
-Heated seats
-Automatic transmission
-Separate headphone jacks for each family member
-GPS
-Back-up camera/sensor
-Climate control

What kind of bullshit is climate control anyway? I wasn't aware that each seat had it's own "climate". It's a fucking bench, not the tropics. Christ...

And we wonder why there are so many car accidents. People are comatose behind the wheel. The car does fucking everything for these morons. They don't have to crank down a window, they don't have to change gears, they don't have to watch where they're going because they've got sensors to do that, they don't even have to know where they're going because Mr. GPS is there to help. All these people have to do is kick back with a Big Mac as they gab on their cell phones. Then it's the other guy's fault when they get into an accident.

What the hell happened to an engine, four tires, and a windshield? Oh, I guess that stopped being fun for people so we had to give them something to play with while they're careening down the highway in a ton of steel. Heaven forbid they're not being entertained at all hours of the day.

And we don't need fucking DVD players in the car! When I took family trips as a youngster I didn't have Power Ranger videos to take me there. I sat there in the back seat with a book, I shut the hell up, and I was grateful if we pulled over for some McDonalds at the halfway point. Now these kids get cranky if they don't get to watch Miley Cyrus on the 20 minute drive to ballet practice. And Pimp My Ride doesn't exactly help matters. They put like 400 TV screens in every vehicle they make over. I saw one where the headlights were little TV screens that looped VH1's Behind the Music: Snoop Dogg.

These modern cars are ridiculous. I'm waiting for the jacuzzi, jungle gym, and bunk beds.

Pussy Flaps

2009-04-30T09:14:00.006-04:00

Sorry if you thought this entry was going to be juicy, but that's just my own little term for the sun visors in the car. Because it's a flap and only pussies use them.

I was inspired to write this as I drove down the highway yesterday with the sun in the west shining through my driver's side window. I swung the flap around to block it and then quickly became aware of my status as a complete pansy and swung it right back up. Real men don't use visors. They squint into the sun as they exhale a huge Marlboro drag from their leathery faces, hardened from working in the mines for 40 years. None of this "Boo hoo hoo, the sun's in my eyes" garbage. What a bunch of wimps.

You know who didn't use a sun visor? Dennis Fucking Hopper. Never mind the fact that he was on a motorcycle and a sun visor wasn't an option. Even if he were driving a car he would've ripped the bastard off and flung it into a ditch in New Mexico. Just a hat and a tasty pair of shades is all Dennis needs. Très badass, Mr. Hopper.

I know these pussy flaps are nothing new, but there is entirely too much useless crap in our cars.* If you're driving, grow some balls and squint it out. Save your whimpering for the tampon department where you're undoubtedly going if you use a sun visor.

*More on that later. I missed last night's update because of internet troubles so I owe you one.

Letter Openers

2009-04-28T22:26:00.004-04:00

May I ask...who uses letter openers and if you do, what the hell are you thinking?

This has got to be one of the most useless things ever. I'm pretty sure 99% of the population would do just fine without one. Unless you've been hired to go through Miley Cyrus's fan mail, you have no business owning a letter opener.

What is wrong with the good ol' envelope finger fuck? It's traditional. It doesn't take any longer than using a letter opener. And most importantly, it doesn't make you look like a pampered douche.

Seriously, every time I use a letter opener (which is not often, mind you) I feel like I should be opening letters in a robe on the second-storey marble balcony of my secluded Colombian mansion as my wife hands me a mug of rich, dark, freshly-ground java. I feel like a prick. Like I'm above using my hand like the rest of the peons.

Letter openers are for rich assholes and the only acceptable way to be caught with one is if you're stabbing a guy who is actually using it for it's intended purpose.

That is all.